Wrestlemania 32 Review – Golden Shower Edition

Wrestlemania 32 is in the books, as is the night after Wrestlemania RAW. That means I am going to put out 2 blogs. The first one is going to be only about the show, and any feelings that I may have had after the show without knowing what happened the following night. The next blog will provide results from RAW and how I feel about the current direction from my perspective. I am a wrestling fan, I have been since 1989. I don’t to bitch and moan about every last little detail like most internet fans, but simultaneously, I choose not to slurp up every single thing that Vince and company serves us.

Why is this the Golden Shower edition since Rachel wasn’t involved? Did you notice how many wrestlers had gold in their attire? It was at least 75% it felt like. It would have made sense if gold was in the theme or Mania logo, but the colors for this year were black, red, and blue. Odd, right?

Pre-Show

Kalisto vs Ryback

I fully admit to having not paid a lot of attention to this. Ryback hit a few power spots, Kalisto used his speed. At one point, there was an exposed turnbuckle and Kalisto used that in the end with his Salida Del Sol. I like Kalisto, but this match simply didn’t interest me. At the time, I was far more worried about whether my extra cheese pizza was better than my chicken wing pizza.

Winner: Kalisto 3 out of 10 as they tried and didn’t botch

Total Divas vs. BAD and Blonde

I know that you are expecting me to shit all over this match, but this wasn’t bad all things considering. All the ladies had a chance to get some moves in. The highlight obviously was Natalya and Paige hitting the Hart Attach as an homage to her dad and Bret’s Hart Foundation finisher. Paige actually got a nice chunk of time it felt. In the end, naturally Brie went into Brie mode, my penis shriveled up inside of me, and then made Naomi tap out. Supposedly, Brie is retiring, and I couldn’t be happier. She has the worst entrance music, worst voice, makes a lot of stupid noise, isn’t very good in the ring, and steals from her husband and tries to ride his coattails. I legitimately have very little in the way of positivity towards her. I suppose that if she was nude and never spoke, she may be tolerable. If she makes Brian happy, that’s what counts though, right?

Winners: Total Dicklicks 4 out of 10, better than the first, but only marginally

The Usos vs. The Dudley Boys

This had to be one of the most uninspiring matches that I have seen at a Wrestlemania. I love the Dudleys, but I was just so bored. This combination simply doesn’t click for me. The Dudleys need to be out on the mic and given a little more free reign to do real heel-ish stuff, and the Usos….well fuck the Usos.

Winners: The Usos 2 out of 10 because I have seen worst, but I was terribly uninterested

Intercontinental Title Ladder Match

Now we’re talking! I felt bad for Cody and Sin Cara as they didn’t get much of a reaction from the crowd. I loved that Stardust had a black and yellow polka dotted ladder as an homage to his daddy, the American Dream Dusty Rhodes. Unfortunately, Stardust also probably took the biggest bump of the night thanks to Sin Cara, and I don’t know if Cody was selling it well, but to me, I think that he was in some legit pain after getting folded in half laying on the ladder. It honestly looked more painful for Sin Cara though. Zach Ryder hit a really nice looking elbow from almost the top of a big ladder, and he got some height on it too. I thought that was a great Wrestlemania moment for a guy who has long deserved one. Stardust also took a skull crushing finale from the Miz onto a ladder. Cody took the most damage, and it wasn’t even close. Owens and Zayn had some nice interaction. In the end, Miz appeared to have the belt won, he was all alone. then Zach shoves him off and wins the belt, and the crowd is beyond confused. Really, heading into the match, who would have thought that Zach, Stardust, and Sin Cara would play a bigger and better role in the match as opposed to Dolph, Sami, and Miz? OK, so the WWE really pulled an odd one there, but I liked it.

Winner: Zach Ryder 6 out of 10 I probably bumped it up one point because of the ending

AJ Styles vs Chris Jericho

I really thought that this match would steal the show. It wasn’t a bad match by no means, but I feel that we have seen better matches between the 2 guys. It lacked that extra level of personal viciousness to really get itself over. Simultaneously, it was very good, but far from great sadly. I expected more at Mania. Oh, and then Jericho pulled out the win. Nope, didn’t see that one coming at all. We have entered Bizarro-mania.

Winner: Chris Jericho 5 out of 10 I felt that there were some sloppy bits, I think on Y2J’s behalf

The League of Nations vs The New Day

I admit, I believed the hype that New Day would have some magical entrance. Instead, we get a large box of Booty-O’s cereal, the guys coming out with some Dragon Ball Z foolishness, and like that, it took me out of the Mania state of mind. What a shitty, shitty, fucking God awful ring entrance. It was booty. I was hoping that the League would have a great entrance, but instead we got Rusev kicking some of the over-sized pieces of cereal. Yeah. This match was incredibly forgettable. Remember when this was advertised as a 4 on 3 handicap match? Yeah, well it became a 3 on 3, and Barrett didn’t wrestle. The match had no time to get into a groove, and despite New Day being over, the League just weren’t the right opponents, duh. A 4 team match on the pre-show to determine number one contenders for New Day would have been a better move. Sheamus got the win. After that, the League acted all tough, cut a promo, and this prompted HBK, Mick Foley, and Stone Cold Steve Austin to come out a whip some ass. This was a very cool moment, and Shawn was in great shape. As I was watching this, I gotta tell you, I really wanted an HBK vs Del Rio match, that would be amazing. As you can guess, the legends beat them down. Then Kofi got HBK to twerk a bit, and Xavier tried interacting with Austin, so he got the stunner, and everybody drank while Austin spilled beer all over himself.

Winners: League of Nations 3 out of 10 for the match alone, the after match stuff was great

Brock Lesnar vs. Dean Ambrose

I admit, I was really looking forward to this match, probably the second most anticipated match for me. I was pumped, we would get weapons. We know that Brock and Dean like to bleed. I was absolutely expecting Dean to get his ass kicked but keep fighting and getting the respect by the end for being a never say die, tenacious mother fucker. And 12 minutes and 13 suplexes, and no real cuts or great weapon shots later, Brock hit an F5 on Dean on a pile of chairs and won. Rumor has it that Dean and Brock wanted to use more weapons but was not allowed. This match was a huge, huge disappointment. I expected an 8 out of 10 and possibly more. It didn’t even feel like a big match. This is Brock fucking Lesnar. Dean has been built very nicely since the Royal Rumble. This match should have solidified Dean’s placement in the hierarchy of WWE. Instead, I just don’t see where he goes from here. I may as well note now, Dean wasn’t even on RAW. I am so confused. They just can’t seem to wrap their heads around how to properly push him. Brock needs to move on. He needs matches with KO, Rusev, Sheamus, Orton, Rollins, and Cesaro. Those guys would look infinitely more credible against Brock. Oh, and Samoa Joe.

Winner: Brock Lesnar 5 out of 10 sadly. It needed 5 more minutes, more weapons, more drama

Charlotte vs. Becky vs. Sasha

Sasha’s entrance should have been great with Snoop, but whoever that bitch was that joined them, she could not sing at all. It was so fucking bad, like Thursday night, I’ve had 6 drinks karaoke night bad. Charlotte had a nice entrance and Becky’s was good but should have been better. These ladies pulled out a lot of nice moves. The match flowed nicely. They even hit some big dives outside that worked incredibly well. Probably the spot of the night was Sasha and then Becky’s dive. These girls busted their asses, tried not to work outside of their capabilities, and put on what would end up being the match of the night, and it wasn’t even close. My biggest gripe is Charlotte winning via Ric’s interference. I love Ric, but I fully believe that he played some backstage politics to get this win, and it should have gone to Becky or Sasha. The ending took some of the wind out of the sails for me.

Winner: Charlotte 7.5 out of 10 as it flowed really nicely the whole way through and made sense

Undertaker vs. Shane McMahon

What was I thinking that the match with the biggest stipulations would main event when HHH was in a match for the World title? My bad. This was the other match I had been looking forward to. We got no Wyatt interference in the Brock match, so this match was ripe for some crazy shenanigans. Nope, none of that. They eventually went outside the cell thanks to some bolt cutters. Shane then got Taker on top of one of the announce tables, and then jumped from the top of the cell onto Taker, well he missed, but still. Yes, it looked incredibly cool and dangerous. That is, until you noticed the mat or bag deflating under the desk. Wrestling is like magic, and you don’t want to give your tricks away. It really ruined the magic of that moment. I am glad they had something there for Shane, there’s no doubt, as his safety is incredibly important, but they did a piss poor job hiding this. It ruined teh moment. There wasn’t even a holy shit chant. How the fuck is that possible? Then Taker brings Shane in, hits the tombstone, and wins. That was that.

Winner: Taker 5 out of 10 as I can’t go any higher for a match predicated on one big spot. I love both guys, but this was not the match it should have been. You can’t put 2 guys their age, with their athleticism, and ring rust, and not have some interference or blood to mask the poor quality. Totally bummed out by this one.

The Andre the Giant Battle Royal

Baron Corbin came, Baron Corbin saw, Baron Corbin conquered. Also DDP and Shaq were involved. This was the night that Baron Corbin put his stamp on the WWE and looked pretty damn good all things considering. This was my personal favorite match as it exceeded expectation, and you can read about it in this blog. It wasn’t the best match, but my favorite, huge difference.

Winner: The future of the company, Baron Corbin  4 out of 10, it had it’s moments

Then out comes the Rock, with a flamethrower, and lights up this sign with his name on it. Then he talks and talks and talks, and bores the fuck out of us. Out come the Wyatts, and maybe we have something. Bray and Rock did their talks, some better than others. The Rock should have been funnier, but he got in  a few funny lines. We get a match, Eric Rowan vs. The Rock, and a Rock Bottom later, and it was a 6 second match. Seriously, that happened. The Wyatts come in, John Cena runs down for the save. Everybody is wondering where the last 15-20 minutes of their life just went.

Winner: The Rock 1 out of 10, but at least Eric Rowan can say that he had a Mania match against the Rock. You can’t tell me that he wasn’t pumped to find out that, no matter hwo short it was, he can say that.

Roman Reigns vs. HHH

Well, the pre-show started at 5. It’s 11, and the match hasn’t even started. Fuck my life. Stephanie does this whole speech and shes like Evilyn from He-Man, but it wasn’t too sexy. I liked the guys in the masks for HHH’s entrance, but the entrance sucked compared to last year’s. Roman’s entrance was beyond laughable with him punching the ground. Oh, and let’s not discount the boos. Then the match finally started, and I wanted to be turned on by Steph, but I just couldn’t be. This was the match that never ends, yes it went on and on my friend. I looked over, and Russ’ eyes were shut. We were just mentally drained. by 11:30 I was begging for them to end it any way they saw fit, just to fucking end the god damn match. HHH missed all of his sledgehammer shots, ALL of them, and then Roman won. The crowd was booing so loudly, that they had to mute the crowd a bit and utilize fireworks to drown them out. I sat there feeling sorry for Roman because it’s not his fault, but I don’t forsee him ever recovering from the past year’s awful booking. That’s on WWE, not Roman. He seems like a good guy.

Winner: Roman Reigns 3 out of 10, I can’t recall a single spot beyond the missed sledgehammer shots and Steph accidentally getting speared. The main event should have memorable spots. Remember how much of a bad ass Roman and Dean used to be? I don’t think those guys will ever be as over as they were in the Shield.

the_shield_as_face_2014

Now, if I take all of the match ratings and do an average, we come up with a 4.04 average thanks to the extra point 5 for the women. The pre show averaged a 3, the main show averaged a 4.4, and if you get rid of the Rock’s match, which I refuse to, you get a 4.8. Those are shit averages no matter how you look at it. I am sure some of you would have rated it a little higher, but try to be realistic. What did you see here that you couldn’t see on RAW? There was very little that was special.

On a more disgruntled note, where the fuck were the crazy run ins that help formulate story lines for the next ppv? Where were the betrayals? No real surprises aside from the 4 legends who had already been pretty much confirmed to be there in some capacity. None altered any story whatsoever. In the end, they did a very bad thing. They weren’t very imaginative. They didn’t seem to try to go for it with the exception of Zach and Baron. The status quo was in full effect, and when the outcome is logical and progresses a story, that’s awesome. Change for the sake of change is stupid. It’s on the writers to make changes that make sense and make story progress. That is where they failed more than anything else, and that’s a damn shame. I would have utilized this night to elevate some young talent with all of the injuries. Yeah, some may not have worked, but you could have made some new stars. They made Baron, and……hmmmm, they made Baron. Good job.

All pictures used in this blog are for review purposes. They are property of WWE and wwe.com.

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