WWE Fastlane 2016 Predictions

I hate the whole term/concept of Road To Wrestlemania. What do I hate more than that? This stupid Fast Lane name, and eliminating the Elimination Chamber. I miss the ppv being called No Way Out, that was the best name. Alas, here we are at Fast Lane. Like, what the fuck does Fast Lane even indicate? This isn’t racing. Fuck man, it’s such a dumb name!! Quick plug here, if you would like to see how I would book Wrestlemania CLICK HERE.  Let’s quickly look at the matches.

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US Title Match – Best 2 out of 3 Falls

Kalisto vs. Alberto Del Rio

Remember when the League of Nations was running through everybody on the roster not named Roman Reigns? Yeah, me neither. Christ, why did Alberto even come back? Honestly, what is the point? The pay better be worth it to work in this soul less company. This is the pre-show match by the way. Remember when Cena buried…I mean beat Rusev and his tank at last year’s Wrestlemania and legitimized the US belt? That was almost worth Rusev losing….ALMOST. Cena eventually does a piss poor job to Del Rio because Cena wanted to film some bullshit TV show and Del RIo was returning. Here we are, wrestling on teh fucking pre-show. If Cena was holding the belt, would the match be on the pre-show? Exactly!

Prediction: Kalisto wins and zero fucks are given. I can see Kalisto involved in a bullshit multi man match at this year’s Wrestlemania for the belt. Sigh. The dude is actually very good, as is Del Rio. Unfortunately, how many matches have we seen on ppv and RAW and Smackdown between these 2? Seriously, like 5 at least.

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Divas Tag Match

Sasha Banks and Becky Lynch vs. Tamina and Naomi

The build up to this match has been well done, well executed, but nobody can take Naomi and Tamina seriously. Team BAD should have been beating up on Natalya, Summer Rae, and even Lana in the early parts of the divas revolution so that they had some momentum and were better developed. This isn’t fucking rocket science, this is pro wrestling!!! STill, I like this very basic storyline that still works when executed properly.

Prediction: Sasha and Beck win, and I would go so far as to guess that Becky gets the win. Why? Because they need to build up Becky way more than Sasha. The fans already know how great Sasha is, and it’s only weeks away before she is crowned champ. Give Becky the win, elevate her without hurting Sasha. Who am I kidding? Sasha will win via Bank Statement. Fucking WWE.

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IC Title Match

Kevin Owens vs. Dolph Ziggler

Wow, what a brand new and refreshing match up that I have never ever seen. Really? Can we stop having these guys wrestle so damn much? I like both guys. They put on good matches and seem to have great chemistry. This is going to be the midcard version of Cena vs. Orton or Rusev vs. Swagger. WWE, you want to know why ratings sucks and nobody gives a fuck about the vast majority of your ppvs? It’s because you give us the ppv matches away for free on RAW and Smackdown, often more than once in the same month. If this was 10-20 years ago, the buy rates for this ppv would be absolutely abysmal. This is another reason to bring back more enhancement talent so wrestlers can have matches while building up their rivalry through promos and sneak attacks and keeping them separated until it is ppv time. That’s how you make the fans crave to see the match. Once again, this isn’t fucking complicated.

Prediction: Kevin Owens wins and goes on to feud with AJ Styles at Mania, or maybe Owens has this awesome match with NXT superstars like Finn, Apollo, Baron, Sami, Samoa Joe, and Austin Aries. Admit it, you would mark out for that match up if you add a ladder.

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6 Man Tag Match

Kane, Big Show, & Ryback vs. Luke Harper, Eric Rowan, and Braun Strowman

Wait a second……we are in the midst of one of the biggest talent injury bugs ever in the WWE, they need all the star power that they can muster……and Bray Wyatt doesn’t have a big singles match? What sense does this make? I get why you may not have Stardust on the card, sadly, but Bray is supposed to be one of your top 10 guys on your roster, and Cena, Orton, Seth, and Cesaro are out. What the fuck man??? Does anybody give a fuck about Ryback? Or Big Show? Or Kane? Sadly, most people would currently answer with No, No, & No. All 3 of those guys could have been used in the upper midcard. Luke Harper should have been wrecking shit while everybody is injured. Nope, we get this match. I love Kane, but I don’t care at all. I will be paying attention to Luke throughout the match, and Braun’s crazy eyes.

Prediction: Wyatts win, and if they don’t, they will kill everything moving after. Seriously, they are going to win, unless we get a shit DQ ending. Easiest match on the card to call.Man, I can’t wait for Bray to job at Wrestlemania again. Does anybody remember how epic the Shield vs Wyatt showdowns used to be, and the future looked so promising. Well Seth and Roman are both former champs, and Dean will be this year most likely. This is why Bray should have won the Rumble and had a bad ass run and beat Brock at Mania. It would have looked to be an indestructible badass group, like the 4 Horseman as far as unity goes and keeping the belt.  But hey, HHH vs Roman is what the fans want, right Vince? Fucking hell.

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Divas Title Match

Charlotte vs Brie Bella

I can’t stand Charlotte right now. I want her to be better, but for the time being, she bores and baffles me. Yet, somehow she is infinitely better than Brie Bella. Nikki is out for months. Daniel just retired. Cena has been hurt. Brie is rumored to be on her way out soon. Still, I can 100% see Brie pulling out the win. That would be a fond farewell, but I hope Brie doesn’t get it. She just sucks in the ring, and she has the absolute worst theme song on the current roster.

Prediction: Ric interferes, and this prompts Brie to get a RAW rematch, maybe even main eventing a RAW. In order to get her re-match, she insists that Ric is banned from Ringside, or handcuffed, or some shit, but Charlotte will only allow it if Brie puts her career on the line. That would make the match incredibly captivating. Retiring Brie would be a great ending to RAW, and give Nikki something to do immediately when she comes back. Maybe have Daniel show up to hug Brie after she loses, gain some sympathy and let it end. OR let Charlotte just be a cocky, condescending bitch after winning and get some real heat with her dad. I’d love for Arn Andersen to interfere during the match, it would be awesome.

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Cutting Edge Peep Show with Edge, Christian, and New Day

Well, the Dudleys need a match. I truly feel that we are getting a big TLC at Wrestlemania, so plant the seeds now. We want New Day, Dudleys, Usos, and maybe a 4th team. Not necessary, but maybe something like Sheamus and Rusev could be added to bring something different.  Actually, scratch that, add Luke and Rowan to the mix. That would be better.

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 Chris Jericho vs. AJ Styles

Expect this match to be great. Expect Jericho to lose and look great and help AJ look great. I hope Miz gets involved because Miz has been instrumental throughout this “feud”. Maybe you make him the special guest referee. That’s my best guess. I hope AJ gets over because he is a talented guy.

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Triple Threat Match for #1 Contender and main event of Wrestlemania against HHH

Brock Lesnar vs. Roman Reigns vs. Dean Ambrose

Where to begin? Ah yes, the beginning! So, the night after the Rumble, the Authority want to make a match for Fast Lane to determine the #1 contender  The Authority would be watching the matches all night, and whoever impressed them most would get the match at Fast Lane. For months, Roman has been feuding with The Authority, and so has Dean by proxy. Brock didn’t even have a match. Meanwhile, AJ Styles beats Chris Jericho in his first match on RAW. Naturally, The Authority gives Roman and Dean another opportunity despite hating them, and Brock despite not having a match. There is insulting the fan’s intelligence, and then there is making us gag on your cock while getting ass raped with no lube. WWE chose the latter. Thanks guys. Roman and Dean could have easily taken over the main event, maybe hold Vince hostage in some way, really force Steph and HHH’s hands. They finally are given the Fast Lane main event, but they gotta get past one other obstacle, the Beast. See how that ending of RAW works way better? Or if after being granted the match, Brock sneak attacks both guys, lays them out, and with an evil smile, Vince is now up with Steph and adds Brock to the match to punish Roman and Dean. That adds an extra layer. The build up has been mostly focused on Dean surprisingly, not being afraid of Brock. As for Roman, most of it has to do with questioning if he has it in him to beat his “brother”. Uhmmmm, guys, they just fought at Survivor Series approx 3 months ago. Are you fucking kidding me? Christ, I would fire half of the writers immediately. You can still make great story lines despite obvious pushes. Assholes!!! Please, let me write for one full year, and I promise that the product will be improved.

Prediction: Well, Brock is rumored to be fighting Bray at Mania, and that helps nobody. Not without the belt. Bray gets buried again? Brock beats a guy who has no wins at Mania? See, nobody wins there. I suggest that Brock hit Dean with 3 straight F5’s, maybe some suplexes, just to be a bully. Roman is outside resting because he has no cardio it seems. Have Roman come in, he’s been F5’d through a table earlier. Roman comes in and whoops Brock’s ass with a series of big moves and even if there’s some back and forth, Roman hits Brock with a knockout blow and Paul gets Brock out of the ring. Roman then sees Dean who is badly hurt, blood would help here. Roman looks like he doesn’t want to do it. Dean gets up  in the corner very slowly and Roman goes for the spear. Dean moves and then quickly rolls up Roman or hits Dirty Deeds and gets the quick/cheap win. That way we have a Main Event that has a clear cut crowd favorite and clear cut heel, and Dean finally gets the belt. Dean is money, and he gets cheers. Hell, you can elongate it by having Roman turn on Dean at Mania, who knows. I would have Roman vs. Brock part 2. For all the hatred thrown at Roman, he gave Brock one of his best matches since Brock returned. That match was very good up til Seth joined and made it a triple threat. I want to see that match again quite frankly, because they have great chemistry. Yes, I’d have Brock winning, maybe due to interference, but whatever. That way a jealous Roman can turn on Dean.

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