Welcome everybody to Brooklyn. We have one of the all time greatest PPV cards in my opinion. This is pretty much a shoe in to be the WWE’s best PPV of the year, right? Yay, false optimism!!!! I will grade every match on a scale of 1.0 – 9.2. Fuck star ratings. We will start with the Kick Off Show.
Smackdown Tag Team Fuckery
The Usos, American Alpha, and The Hype Bros vs. Breezeango, The Ascension, and The Vaudevillains
First of all, Zack Ryder is in such good shape, he puts everybody to shame in this match. They also mentioned Rick Rude in this match. I have to really complain about something. Do they really feel it necessary to interrupt a PPV match, to advertise for the WWE Network service, which you have to be watching in order to watch the current match. You already have the Network. We aren’t the people that need to be advertised to. It’s fucking asinine and truly infuriates me. Honestly, I thought that The Ascension and Hype Bros had some nice opportunities to showcase their talents. Aside from that, we just saw this match last Tuesday, so kind of pointless. The only difference was the ending where American Alpha thought that they had the win, but Jey Uso tagged himself in to get the pin. AA looked a tad pissed or confused, but that lasted all of 3-5 seconds, and then everybody celebrates.
I give this match 4.0 as it was fun, but we just saw this matchup, and I have to deduct points for that, and it was interrupted by a WWE Network commercial. So dumb. The wrong team won as well, in my opinion.
At some point, Baron Corbin approaches our panelists (Renee Young< booker T, Jerry Lawler, and Lita), and he complains that he didn’t get to have a match with Kalisto because he wasn’t medically cleared. He comments on how his watch cost more than Booker T’s. He even dropped a little Spanish, and then cut Renee off and left. Yeah, that totally made up for him not having a match. Seriously, he was in the top 6 contenders for Dean’s title, and now he can’t make a card that has 13 matches? Are you shitting me? Fuck that!
The Dudley Boys vs. Sami Zayn and Neville
I wondered why this match happened. We now know that The Dudleys are officially retired. In that regard, I am cool with this match. It is a shame that they couldn’t have been involved with New Day, Gallows and Anderson, and maybe a 4th team like Enzo and Cass. Then put Sami and Neville against Jeri-KO. That is 2 matches instead of 3, and then you can get Baron Corbin’s ass in a match. Another match, this time advertising WWE Shop. What the fuck is this bullshit? I mean, this is seriously annoying as fuck and takes me out of an already short match. I loved Bubba mocking the Ole, Ole, Ole. That part cracked me up when I watched it. Bubba accidentally hits Devon with a clothesline, then a Helluva Kick on Bubba and finally the Red Arrow by Neville, and the crowd is happy and the Dudleys job.
I give this match a 3.0 as it wasn’t bad, but it was too short, had zero story build up, and got interrupted mid match to try to sell merchandise. Seriously, at this fucking point, if you want merchandise, you know where to go.
Sheamus vs. Cesaro in Match 1 in best of 7 series
This match was what you’d expect. Yes, they interrupted it to give us a commercial for Summerslam, because we weren’t already watching it. Yeah, logic! In the end, Sheamus won it, and took the air out of the crowd. Good decision WWE. Really fucking brilliant.
I will give this match a 5.0 because it was good, but it never felt great. These early matches shouldn’t feel great or be match of the year candidates, but it was still fun.
The Main Show
Enzo and Cass vs. Chris Jericho and Kevin Owens
Well, as you would expect, these guys were going to kick off the show and get the crowd fucking pumped. It worked. I gotta bitch that Enzo is wearing Yankee colors. Fuck the Yankees. That hatred still resides with me. Lots of New York references. This was fine for an opener, but the finishing move was sloppy as fuck. KO or Y2J weren’t in the right position as KO threw Enzo up in the air and Jericho was meant to hit him with the code breaker. This seems like something that you would rehearse. Just a shame because that finish marred the match for me a bit. Also, why are you having Enzo and Cass lose? Why make your fans hate you?
I give the match a 4.0 as it didn’t have enough time to do much.
Backstage, Shane and Daniel runs into Mick Foley, and then Jon Stewart and his boy show up. Jon complains to Mick about Stephanie, and of course Steph is right behind him. Was this supposed to be funny? What purpose did this serve? Oh wait, here’s New Day to join in this conversation, well Xavier and Kofi. Mick just stands there eating cereal along with Shane.
RAW Women’s Title Match
Sasha Banks vs. Charlotte
Charlotte looked really good I felt, so that’s something. She’s still gonna job. Sasha’s jacket is not doing her any favors. Quite frankly, it’s fugly, which is a shame. Still, Sasha looks good in her ring attire. This match wasn’t bad in any way, but Sasha wasn’t right. I said numerous times throughout the match how Sasha should be selling her back injury, but would then do something that clearly isn’t conducive to having a hurt back. Bayley wouldn’t have made those mistakes. The spot of the match was Sasha from the 2nd rope doing the double knees on to Charlotte who was on the outside. That deserved a holy shit chant in my opinion. Think about how much that would hurt both people. I liked Charlotte’s cockiness, which is similar to how she was when she lost the belt. Sasha had Charlotte in the crossface, and then Charlotte turned it into a pin and yeah, they just took the belt off of Sasha. Yeah, seriously.
I give this match a 5.5. It was a good match, it really was, but marred by the back injury stuff, and Sasha is supposedly legitimately hurt and out for a few weeks. On the other hand, piss poor booking of this whole feud. The outcome and build up matters in a situation like this as it affects the story of the match. I never gave Charlotte a chance of winning, so this just , fuck this match.
Backstage, Gallows and Anderson are still looking for a cure for Ringpostitus. AJ shows up to talk with his boys. This cheesy, but they got a “beat up John Cena” in there. Then Finn Balor shows up and they try to get him to do the Too Sweet, and Finn smirks and walks away as you hear the crowd audibly go “Awww”. Good segment for the cheesy factor.
Intercontinental Championship Match
The Miz vs. Apollo Crews
Maryse’s outfit is not very good. Who dresses her? Apollo got a decent pop, but it should be bigger next year if they figure out how to push him better. 6 minutes later, Miz hits the Skull Crushing Finale, and no fucks are given. Damn shame.
This match gets a 2.0 because the match was way too short. The build was lousy, the build up for the end of the match was lousy. You can sleep well at night if you never see this match.
AJ Styles vs. John Cena
The crowd popped big for AJ, and deservedly so. I say this often, but I am still so happy that AJ is finally getting the attention and appreciation that he has been so overdue. John Cena gets his typical John Cena sucks song, and this is going to be amazing. John Cena and HHH are now tied for second most Summerslam matches, behind The Undertaker. I can’t properly describe this match. I don’t want to do it disservice. This was the match of the night. This was the match of the weekend. This is the match of the year for my money. This lived up to the hype and I don’t know what more you could want from a match.
I am giving this match a 9.2. That’s the highest honor that I can bestow upon a match, and this is worthy. This match could have faltered in so many ways. They knew that this would be amazing, and they didn’t even do a ton of build for it on Smackdown. This match sells itself. The fact that AJ won it cleanly, on his own. I don’t even know what match exists this year that can top this when you consider how good it was, how much it means, the historical significance. The fans were also great during this. Sami vs Shinsuke, Aries vs. Shinsuke, Ciampa & Gargano vs. The Revival were all amazing matches. None held as much importance or historical significance, and if you want to talk about the rare ground for a match to be close to perfection, it needs importance. By the way, Zayn and Nakamura is actually slightly overrated based on emotions. That’s a fact.
Out comes Jon Stewart, and he gets on the mic, and totally bombs. Then he revealed that he’s out there to join New Day. And it still bombs. I love Jon, but this so didn’t work for me. The best part was getting the crowd to do the opening. The crowd did better than he did, HA.
RAW Tag Team Championship Match
New Day vs. Gallows and Anderson
Big E is still sidelined due to ringpostitis. I enjoyed Jon Stewart asking the ref and Jojo how they stay so calm, and I don’t think we were supposed to hear it, but it was the best part of Stewart’s involvement. By the way, I don’t blame Jon, but I don’t think they gave him much to work with. I liked this whole doctor gimmick at first, but I feel that the material got stale really fast, and I hate to say that. Both guys carried it out and did what they could for it, and it is something that I will look back fondly upon. 8 minutes in, and G&A are about to give Jon a case of ringpostitis, and Big E comes out, hits G&A, and there’s a DQ. That match got shit for time.
I don’t even know how you properly rate this match. I am going with a 3.0 because the whole thing took entirely too long, took away from match time, for a match that never had a chance to deliver, and ended with this terrible clusterfuck. Sorry, I would have loved to have given this a 7.0, trust me.
Smackdown World Championship Match
Dean Ambrose vs. Dolph Ziggler
I can’t tell you how badly I wanted this to main event so both guys could properly get their due. Instead, they have their match at the halfway point of a stack PPV. Oh boy. I am just going to come out and say it. This match never picked up enough momentum. The near falls never worked like they should have. Dolph never struck me as a legitimate threat, which was the whole point of the build up for the past month. Dolph should have been a constant thorn in Dean’s side, and get tons of close falls. This match deserved at least 20-25 minutes based on it’s premise. Also, why is Smackdown being treated with suck disrespect. The 6 women tag match is their last match, while RAW gets Rusev vs Reigns, Seth vs. Finn, and also Brock. Like, that shit is terribly biased. RAW has been the shittier product for the past month, but still is treated like the golden child. I hate WWE sometimes. This is one of them. This match got about 15 minutes, and it was like nobody really cared. I truly thought that this was going to main event, I thought that this would be the night of change. Nope.
I give this match a 5.5. In my opinion, this match bombed and failed to live up to any expectations. Yeah, let’s waste more time showing the WWE people doing stuff in NY. This is why we don’t have more than 6 minutes for the intercontinental title match and why Dean and Dolph only get 15 minutes? Seriously. Fuck you WWE.
Smackdown 6 Female Fuckeroo
Naomi, Carmella, and Becky Lynch vs. Alexa Bliss, Natalya, and Nikki Bella
Naomi’s entrance is fucking awful and makes me want to rage quit WWE. Carmella gets no reaction, still. Glad that you brought her up, eh WWE? Hell, Becky’s pop was sadly mediocre, but better than her teammates. That’s a damn shame because she is so talented and fun really. What the fuck did Alexa do with her hair? It looks fucking terrible. Haha, Eva still gets somewhat of an entrance. This is funny. I like the term beguiling. I loved the excuse for her not being there. Nikki got a huge pop. I don’t get it to be honest. Lots of women screeching. I don’t get it. I mean, she’s hot as hell, she’s actually an above average wrestler, and I enjoy her shorts. With that being said, it’s only Nikki Bella. This match got 10-11 minutes. It got more minutes than the IC and tag title matches, and almost as much as the Dean and Dolph match. You see the problem with this?
I will give the match a 5.0 because it wan’t bad by any means, but it wasn’t anything good. Also, I just learned that the rapper named Wale is not pronounced like Whale. See, you learn something new everyday.
I liked that Maria Menounos interviewed Rusev and Lana backstage, and Rusev isn’t terrible on the mic by no means. I love the video package showing how Roman is the bully in this feud, but he’s supposedly the good guy. Be A Star Roman.
WWE U*(%^#@$l Championship Match
Seth Rollins vs. Finn Balor
Oh yay, Finn came out in the same paint job as he did on RAW. No real cool theme like Jack The Ripper or Leatherface as he did in NXT. Thankfully, I just fast forwarded through his entrance. Thanks WWE for ruining that moment. No really, I appreciate it. Now, according to my 9 Deuce colleague, Russ, this match was “pretty darn close to great”. Yeah, no it wasn’t. I like both guys, and this match was above average. It had some good moments, and they worked very well together. Of course, this match got close to 20 minutes between underserving fuck, and shoved down our collective throats fuck. Sorry, but that’s on WWE for making me bitter. I will give this match a 7.0. If they didn’t give away Finn’s entrance, that number increases. If Finn isn’t fighting for the belt on his main roster PPV debut, this score probably increases. Unfortunately, a lot of the elements that make these guys great was fucked over by piss poor booking and story line. I don’t blame either guy, they worked their asses off. In 12 months, this match probably get a 7.5 or even a 7.8 from me, but it missed too many key ingredients that make a match great. So, it depends on your take, but I think 8.0 is great. A full point away isn’t pretty darn close, but that is up to interpretation, so I’m not ripping into Russ, but I think it was underwhelming based on how good it could have been. 7.0 is more than fair for the ketchup belt that shall remain nameless.
Then we are treated to a KFC ad with Miz on the Titantron. Then we get Dolph Ziggler on the entrance ramp, dressed as Colonel Sanders, Dolph interrupts and talks to the Miz from on the screen, then he walks to the back, shows up on the screen in the commercial, and then Miz comes rolling out and these 2 have a fight in the ring while a big ad for the Chicken Little sandwich is plastered on the big screen. I love those sandwiches, and they are probably the second best thing besides the chicken bowls, at KFC. Still, that was beyond cringe worthy, and also took away more valuable minutes that could have been used on better matches.
US Title Championship Match
Rusev vs. Roman Reigns
Lana gets on the mic and announces for Rusev. I thought that this would be a top 3 match of the night. I really got behind this match as these guys match up really well when Roman isn’t in full out burial mode. When Rusev comes off like a legit bad ass, this is a great fight. Neither guy got a pop. I don’t get why fans aren’t behind Rusev. It bothers me. Rusev gets a cheap shot in before the bell rings and they brawl outside. OK, I can get behind this. Rusev is tossing Roman into 2 sets of stairs. Oh god, the retard with the camera is at work moving every time Rusev is throwing a punch. Fucking amateur hour when they do that. Still no bell has run. And in under 2 minutes, Roman has the upper hand and is pummeling Rusev now, and the fucking camera shit again. I fucking HATE you WWE. Fucking cut your shit with that garbage. Nobody likes it and it takes away attention from what is happening. The camera isn’t getting punched. It is so fucking dumb. Officials are out and Roman has a chair, and Rusev is getting buried before my eyes. Seriously WWE? This is what you put before the main event? The IC Title match should have been here and this should have happened earlier in the match. Oh, and the crowd wants Slater. I give this 7 minutes of fuckery a 1.0 because I can’t give it any lower technically.
Oh god, Total Bellas. Fuck my life. Nope, i will NEVER EVER watch that. Put a gun to my head, I dare you. I double mother fucking dare you. You will pull the trigger before I watch it. I am dead serious. Who the fuck watches “reality TV” anymore? If you watch more than 2 reality shows, that accounts for a guilty pleasure or 2, you should be ashamed of yourself. You are basically supporting the downfall of quality TV programming.
Brock Lesnar vs. Randy Orton
Brock enters first to a nice big pop. Is he the heel here? Is there a heel? Is there a reason why WWE is paying him this kind of money to do so little? I mean, honestly, do you really think that Brock Lesnar is worth the kind of money that they are paying him? This is coming from a huge Brock fan. His matches are suplexes, more suplexes, maybe a few moves that look MMA or utilize his size and strength, then back to suplexes, then allows his opponent a few shots, then more suplexes, then a failed F5 attempt, more suplexes, maybe a submission, some blood, more suplexes, and then an F5. First of all, you know that what I just described was accurate as fuck. Secondly, think about how dull that is. We give Cena and Roman shit, but they vary shit up. Hell, Cena hits different moves in really big matches. Brock doesn’t, and it’s not his fault. Brock knows a ton of moves and is incredibly gifted and capable to perform a multitude of moves. WWE books him this poorly. I will say that I noticed Brock took the brunt of the German Suplex impact so as not to injure Randy. Of course morons on the internet will tell you that Orton sandbagged Brock, because a guy his weight can sandbag Brock. I loved that Randy went for the punt. That move deserves to come back. Brock takes off the gloves and then they set up the finish basically. Brock landed 2 elbow blows to the top of Orton’s head and busted him open, and this was actually fucking planned. Are you shitting me? WWE sits there on their high horse talking about how they care about their wrestler’s safety, but then book this shit? They have a concussion protocol, but they booked this shit? Fuck the WWE. This ends in a TKO. The last 2 matches of the night had non finishes, as did the tag team title match. There, that’s your 2016 Summerslam. Fuck you very much. I give this match a 4.0 because it had my attention and I liked a few things, such as the punt attempt. The ending was so bad though. Brock doesn’t deserve to utterly bury so many upper echelon guys. Brock never deserved the ultimate honor. It’s cool to have a guy who seems unbeatable, but you have to humanize him at some point. Also, Brock F5’d Shane.
Final Thoughts – I genuinely don’t know which PPV I hated more, this or Wrestlemania. Wrestlemania’s card was weaker, and didn’t deliver on match quality by and large, but my expectations were lower. The build up for this was actually incredible, and the delivery was 100% bullshit. Thankfully it had AJ vs. Cena, and Finn vs. Seth, and even the women’s title match. By and large, this was 6 hours of getting pounded in your asshole without any lube by the WWE. I wanted to walk away from this and say that WWE finally had a big PPV that outshine NXT. This was the card. But they failed. Overall, I guess this gets a 5.0 as that seemed about right most of the night. Am I being too hard on this show? Hell no. I was groaning more than I was enjoying myself, so perhaps I am being too nice on this, but I will stick with 5.0. If you disagree with me and think that this deserved a higher rating, you are welcome and entitled to your very wrong opinion.
The sad thing is, I’ll be watching RAW and Smackdown this week. I don’t ever need in a week, 3 hours of RAW, 2 hours of Smackdown, 1 hour of NXT, 2 and a half hours of Takeover, and a 6 hour PPV event, even if it’s Summerslam. I’ll still do it, but damn. It’s an addiction. I’m caught trap, I can’t walk out, because I love you too much WWE. Why can’t you see, what you’re doing to me, when you book this poorly? I may have been a tad grumpy during this review, but you would be too, if you did what I do.
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