#357 Bloody April Fools (2013)

This is also know as Los inocentes according to IMDB. It’s an hour and 5 minutes. Let’s face it, it’s on here because it’s a quick movie that may or may not pay off.

Woah, this dude sleep with a stuffed animal of ALF! Sold. Like seriously, that’s how little you have to do to win my attention. He seems like a nerdy kid who gets tricked into thinking that some chick wanted to meet him in the boiler room.  Well, the asshole guys lock him in and then the girls are all taking hot showers. We get to see boobs. This guy is going to get got. He’s going to end up looking like Freddy Krueger, the poor bastard. All just because he was hoping that somebody liked him? Fucking people. Kill for better reasons! That was in 1998, and now it’s 15 years later. 98 was a decent year. I partied a lot that year, got zero bitches, gained some wait. Yep, decent year.

first-death

So basically we get 9 idiot teens or college kids and they are going back to the scene of the crime type story. This could be good fun, so off to the Hostel. Not THAT Hostel….or is it? I mean I am about 7 minutes in and I can sum this up right now. The guy who wants to get the chick survives along with the chick and he probably saves her, and hell, I’ll say that he dies saving her. They are forewarned by an officer and a gas station lady not to go to the Hostel as it’s abandoned and dangerous. Oh, Ines says that she won’t go, she is taking a bus home. Smart.

So far a Spiderman and a Bruce Wayne reference. Maybe Ines is absolutely fucked. I feel bad for her as she made the smart move.  A dude offers her a ride into town, but it’s night and she refused. Smart. Chino is a prankster, so he is definitely not surviving, but an early favorite of mine. Ines has had her suitcase stolen, and somebody  put a poisonous snake in her suitcase and she got bit. Man, that’s fucked up. She lays on the road and the bus she was waiting for, runs her over. Damned, I liked her, but she broke one of the cardinal rules, don’t break away from the group unless it’s to get laid. I know what you’re thinking: “But Kent, don’t couples who have sex always get killed early on?” Why yes, yes they do, but your odds of survival aren’t good anyway, so if you gotta die, you may as well be getting a piece of ass while dying.

Eva is cute. She will survive, and Alex is too naive. Some dude is getting his fuck on, so let’s prove Kent’s theory! Hello titties. Just like clockwork. I swear, sometimes I make this look easy. Ohh, bloody tits. I like that this movie isn’t pulling any punches and just getting straight to the point. OK, watching Sandra pleasure herself by rubbing her brain, fantastic. Our final four are Alex, Eva, Christian, and Lara. Now for the chaos filled ending. Lara has a wonderful rack, just saying. WOAH, she took her shirt off 3 minutes later, and my god, I was soooo right.  Her and Christian are in a room with gas being pumped in, but back to those fantastic boobs. Just a treat. Good for her and whoever she is banging currently. They are using a nice version of The Hall of the Mountain King. They are just laughing from the gas, Lara has lost her foot, but she has won my heart.

So, we are down to Alex and Eva, and this movie has played out perfectly. They are in the boiler room, he has a striped shirt on, and she has taken off her pants. Fantastic. She saves him in the end, because like John Cena, she never gives up. Hustle. Loyalty. Respect. A car comes by to check on them, the same car I believe. She wants to get in the car with this dude, and that seems legit, I’d do it. Somebody threw out some spikes and punctured his tire.  But this dude also has Ines’ bag. Alex finds a gun, and pulls it on the dude, who pulls out a rifle.   The guy tells Alex to put the gun down, and gives him to the count of 3, but the gun is glued to Alex’s hand, so he just shoots the old dude. Now rape your chick dude……or get shot by the old guy because you never finished your kill. Fucking dumbass. Wait, there’s still 15 minutes, so this should end like every other horror movie like this. Hopefully she runs in the woods, trips, has a fight, and then somehow overcomes adversity. He ass in those panties….lawdy. Whoever cast this deserves a raise. Have your final chick in a tanktop and panties and make sure that she fills both out in all of the proper ways. Awesome.

The gas station lady shows up, so she’s probably the original guy’s mom. Uhmmm, yeah, that seems to be the case. This plays out in a fun way. I think you’ll enjoy it.

Rating – 6.2 Perfectly entertaining slasher type of film that wastes zero time and goes right for it. It’s on NetFlix so go watch it.

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