Love Actually (2003)

This has a great cast.  But a lot of these films do and they still suck.  So I am reserving my judgement, but right away, before the credits, fuck Hugh Grant.  Let’s check it out.

Oh for fuck’s sake, you really have to mention 9/11 within a minute?  OK, they are singing “Love is All Around Us” by the Troggs, which I have on my PC right now.  Great song.  They are doing a Christmas version.  Fucking hell.  Hey Liam Neeson, but his daughter hasn’t been kidnapped and he’s not fighting Batman or The Grey.  Boo.  Hey, there’s old Hugh himself.  I’m aware that I am supposed to recognize a lot of people  There’s Rick Grimes, where the hell is Coral or Daryl?  Chiwetal has always been a solid actor.  Everybody is way toooo happy.  We need a walker herd in the worst way.

Hey, tits!  I have often complained that chicks flicks should have more tits than horror flicks to give the guys something to think about when the nonsense is happening.  Good for them!   Joanna Page is the topless chick, kudos to her.  Wait a second, the black DJ is wearing a Motorhead shirt, while playing “Puppy Love”.  I don’t know how I should feel other than great confused.  Hmmm, Alan Rickman is in a scene with Laura Linney.  I don’t know if I have seen any of her movies that don’t have Richard Gere.  He has one of the all time great voices, plus I just saw him in Robin Hood.

I have a favorite character, Billy Mack, well aside from the chick who showed her tits.This Natalie chick, if she can show her ass, we could be in business.  OK, yay, I finally laughed 35 minutes in with Billy.  Liam’s character is bringing me down.  His wife just died, he’s left with a little boy, and he doesn’t appear to have a particular set of skills.  Man, it’s bout time we get some Murica involved with Billy Bob Thornton as the US president meeting Hugh as the Prime Minister.  Billy Bob has moved since his days of being in the control room navigating Bruce Willis to help save the planet from Armageddon.  Don’t wanna close my eyes…….

USA! USA! USA!  Yes, our president was trying to get to know Natalie a little better.  Awesome!  If only there had been a rape.  A man can dream.  Well, the foreign chick just took off most of her clothes.  Delightful.  Unfortunately, their stuff is terribly cheesy.So damn cheesy.  Women, do you see this stuff and think “awww”?  Does it make you moist or something?  I don’t get it.  Also, me writing moist clearly has lost me some readers!  Woohoo.

I really need Rick to grow a beard soon here.  I don’t like this clean shaven look.  Cool, so Rick is a creeper who videotaped the hell out of Keira Knightley.  Good for him.  She’s better looking that Lori.  I’d still keep Michonne, because, ya know, she can use a sword more effective than Keira.  We aren’t even halfway done.  Good gracious, Ignatious! I miss ya Abe.

Does Liam’s boy have no soul or something?  He has some evil eyes.  Are you shitting on my balls with showing me Titanic?  Come the fudge on.  Also, why are people calling Natalie fat?  She’s probably the hottest chick in this film?  Would she be the nerdy un-pretty girl in a high school movie?

Dude, why are you letting the foreign chick go?  You grab her and lock her in your trunk until you can figure out a better plan.  Wow, this music video…..I can dig that….suckaaaaaa.  I;m really hoping that Rickman gets laid by this Mia chick.

Alright, I am hoping that Laura Linney is about to get plowed by this Karl dude.  His real name is Rodrigo.  Good for him!  He has good hair.  Now get her naked, sir.   Oh shit, we get some Laura Linney titties!  Karl ain’t getting any tail tonight thanks to Laura’s crazy brother.  Hey, Mia in her undies.  Solid.  Rickman’s wife is getting jelly due to Mia, as she should.

Hey, there’s Rowan Atkinson!His name is Rufus, the jeweler.  His role was small, but perfect for him.  Man, Rickman is so screwed.    I haven’t given enough props to the softcore porn couple.  They are killing it.  Jesus, now they are play some Rob Thomas and Santana’s “Smooth”.    Man, young January Jones is bangin’, as is Elisha Cuthbert.  She used to be on Are You Afraid of the Dark.  The other chick was in Running Scared.   Oh man, I love this song, “Wherever you May Go” by The Calling.  Such a good song.  Colin just got some good chicks.  Great for him, no matter how ridiculous it is.  Mia is something to enjoy, visually.  Rickman gave her the necklace and not his wife.  He is so screwed.  Can we go back to Natalie or Mia in her undies, the porn stuff, or Colin and the Americans?

Yay, Billy Mack is #1!  Oh, and now we get porn couple.  Ohhhh shit, Otis Redding singing White Christmas.  I love Otis!  He has one of the best voices ever.  Laura Linney is actually one of the few actresses who I do enjoy.  Keira is really, really thin, and Andy Lincoln is trying to get that chick.  Good for him.  Hey, he got a kiss at least.  Man, he got his strut on after that.  OK, Hugh Grant and his dude singing to the 3 little girls was pretty solid.

Oh man, there’s Claudia Schiffer, of course she’s in this.  It was smart. How the hell doe sthis kid know his way around an airport so well?  Hell, I’d get lost.  This shit in France, wow, like really guys? Fuckin A, Shannon Elizabeth and Denise Richards are  here too.  How much money did they spend on the talent?

End Film

Holy balls, that was a long ass MF’ing film. As with many of these chick flicks, there are some highs and lows.  I am left wondering what happened with Mia and Laura Linney.  Laura has obviously chosen her brother over her own personal life, and I get that, but that just seemed weak.  Mia, like what the hell?  Follow it up with Rickman ending it with her and her killing herself, or he leaves hsi family for the hot piece of ass.  I don’t know, but offer something.  Then there are the scenes that you hate about chick flicks that give women these stupid ideas about romance.  Like the wedding in the beginning, that was lame.  Hugh making out with Natalie behind the main curtains when he was trying to be sneaky?  Come the fuck on.  Half the damn town following the author dude in France, and the scene at the restaurant, bitch peas!  The airport balderdash with the short kid out running grown ass men and getting that far.  Not cool.  Then the whole thing where Rick was trying to nail his buddy’s woman.  I get it, but that’s how you’re gonna leave it?  Why the hell did what’s her tits seemingly accept Rickman back?  Isn’t it a terribly stupid idea for Natalie to be banging her boss?  The soft core porn couple, they were great, but completely unnecessary and pointless, but there were tits so they get a pass and I wish they had more scenes.  I’m also hoping that Karl is plowing Mia because his hair deserves it.

As for the positives, Hugh Grant didn’t completely ruin this film.  There were tits.  Liam Neeson’s boy should be in a horror film.The soundtrack was excellent.  Rick Grimes was in it, but I wish Morgan and the Governor were also there.  There were way too many stories to fit in to the time frame, but they did as good of a job as they could in regards to pacing.  The acting was pretty solid all around.  I loved Billy Mack and Joe’s characters.  They were the highlights, beyond the tits and absurd amount of hot chicks.  Yeah, that is a whole other thing.  Really, name another movie with this many gorgeous chicks.  I’ll wait.  Guys, you can totally watch this one, fantasize about the bitches, while your bitch is getting all moist and bothered, and then you can get tail while you are still fantasizing about the hot chicks and Liam Neeson.  That’s a pretty good win.  You may want like a bucket of popcorn too, especially to get through the first 30 minutes.

All in all, I am not in any way suggesting that if you’re a single dude, that you should go out of your way to watch this.  If you want to please your woman, eat, and probably get laid, while checking out hot chicks, you could do way, way worse.  I can’t imagine that I will ever see this again for any reason whatsoever.  So based on that, it can’t score above a 5 out of 9.2.  That’s my rule.  So with that being said, I will give it a 4.9, which is a good rating.  It’s indicative that I respect what they were doing, I simply wouldn’t watch it again.  Although I would listen to Bill Nighy sing more.

OK, upon further thought, this movie has actually lingered in my mind for some odd reason.  That tells me that I didn’t hate it.  I apparently, actually enjoyed it.  So I am bumping this up to a 5.6.  Good pick Cece.

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