Sixteen Candles (1984)

I gotta be honest, I am not even looking forward to this film, but it is a film that I have always avoided, and this is why I do the blogs.

So I guess the premise here is that Samantha’s family has forgotten her birthday, mainly because her older sister is getting married the next day.  I am aware that people are thinking “Duh, you dumb bastard.”  I deserve that.  I just don’t really care much for high school style films, unless it involves a white teacher teaching inner city youths how to do poetry, or some such nonsensical shit while Coolio is rapping.  Also, I really enjoy high school horror films, like The Faciity. Hey, titties!  Where was I?  I don’t know, but titties and doing pull ups the lazy.  That’s cool.  “I loathe the bus”, I totally agree with the sentiment.  Anthony Michael Hall is way better is a dickhead.  These things are obvious.

I am hearing the Twilight Zone theme song…..OK, you have my attention again. Grandpa’s boxers are up so high.  How does he not have male camel toe going?  Geez.  Grandma talking about perky boobies, that gave me a clue.  Her grabbing her tits gave me a raging clue.  Really, they called a character Long Duk Dong?  That alone gets this film a point.  An extra 0.3 for the gong.  Seeing Molly Ringwold angers up he blood.  She was terrible in The Stand as Frannie, and I don’t know if that’s on her, Mick Garris, or the producers, but damnit.  I had to vent.  Also, John Cusack is one of those people I cannot get away from.

I feel that if I was in a room with girls who were alive in the 80’s, they’d be giggling hysterically at a lot of this stuff.  This bitch, she’s blowing off the geek and is totally excited about Jake just asking about her.  Why am I watching this again?   Dong and his chick are what is keeping me going at this point, that and dedication to being awful at my craft.  OK, I can get behind the dad’s thought process about why crushes are called that, because if they were easy, they’d have a different name.  Makes perfectly good sense.  I appreciate that Jake said that he could go violate Caroline any time that he wants. That gets my approval.  I am also approving of this plan to take Caroline home. This drive home is pretty good.

“Dong, where is my automobile?”  The only scene that I was familiar with thanks to Tom.  So Ted ended up with Caroline.  Good for him!  Holy shit, Zelda Rubinstein!  What a great surprise.  Can I just consider the film complete after Zelda’s appearance?  Everything since that has been awful.

End film

OK, I will say that it was better than I anticipated in that I expected Molly to have more of a role.  She brought the film down with her nonsense.  Anthony Michael Hall carried this one, big time.  He did a great job.  I thought Jake was dull as hell.  He lacked charisma.  The sister at the end was funny.  There should have been more focus on the missed birthday, and her just saying fuck it and having a great day, like Ferris Bueller.  While the movie exceeded my expectations, they were incredibly low.  I am cool if I never see this again.  Long Duk Dong was by far the best thing in this whole film.  It wasn’t poorly done, but it bored me at times.  Just being realistic here.  It’s a movie that was never meant to appeal to me, but to make it palpable for me to sit through, and in that regard, it succeeded.  I’ll give this a 4.3.  I doubt that I would ever sit through this again.

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