Welcome meat sacks to the preview for WWE’s Fast Lane 2017 Preview, presented to you by 9 Deuce. Today, I am joined by Russ, and neither of us are remotely looking forward to this garbage. When I think wrestling, I think Fast Lane! Yeah! I have laid down a challenged in #8, so you won’t want to miss that. You may want to miss the match though. Fast Lane! Historic! Women’s Revolution!
Of course, we also did our podcast, Are You Not Kentertained, where we discuss some of these topics and others, plus do our weekly segments. It’s like a verbal companion to the blog. Please check us out at facebook.com/9deuceblog , on Twitter @official9deuce, or Instagram at Official9Deuce. Share this, like this, write us an email with a question at firstname.lastname@example.org. Thank you.
- Sasha Banks vs Nia Jax
Russ: I think I’d rather watch paint dry than these two go at it in the squared circle ever again. Seriously, I don’t care who wins this garbage heap.
Winner: Nia, Certainly not the fans
Kent: I’d rather be in Chyna in her current state than to watch this match. Ahhhh, vulgar!
Winner: Nia, although I want to say double Count Out or something silly.
- Bayley vs Charlotte for the RAW Women’s Championship
Russ: Anyone who thinks Bayley has a chance of winning doesn’t know the WWE very well. I guess they could go and destroy Charlotte’s winning streak, but it would be stupid to do it now… Nah, WWE won’t do that.
Winner: for the 600th time in the past 2 months: Charlotte
Kent: Cue Vince McMahon’s music and talk about Bayley and how great her title run has been. She’s defended it how many times? That’s super.
Winner: Charlotte, and rumor has it that this match is going to get a lot of time due to how short the main event will be. Rumor also has it that I shall not be watching this live, but rather Walking Dead and Talking Dead. At least they don’t continuously insult my intelligence.
- Rich Swann & Akira Tozawa vs THE Brian Kendrick & Noam Dar
Russ: Alright, I like all of the competitors in this match, but I worry that WWE won’t give this enough time to be a decent match. I’d really like to see Akira vs. THE Brian Kendrick in a singles match, but maybe they are holding that for WM. Anyway, if this is given enough time this could steal the show.
Winner: Rich Swann and Akira
Kent: I believe that this is the kick off show, but will probably be the third best match of the night. I expect Noam to eat the pin, and I expect Foxey to be looking oh so fine. I like everybody involved here. We, the fans, are the real winners here.
Winners: Rich and Tozawa
- Enzo & Cass vs Gallows & Anderson for the RAW Tag Team Championship
Russ: The funny thing about this match, about 5 months ago I wanted to see this happen really badly. Now, I just don’t care. WWE has destroyed the Tag Division in the past 3 months and I have failed to care about it. Consider these guys to be casualties. I feel really bad for G&A because they should be considered great champs and I feel like they have been forgotten. As for Enzo and Cass, they went from fun and exciting to watch to sketch comedy done wrong. I love sketch comedy, but these guys don’t cut the mustard. Since they have destroyed the Tag Division, why not bury it even more…
Winners: and new RAW Tag Champs, Enzo and Cass
Kent: I don’t know how the WWE can make me start to care again about their RAW tag team division. I simply don’t care. I want to, but I don’t. Same goes for Smackdown, but I’ve heard that maybe they will get revived soon and then they can go hard. Fuck you Fast Lane.
Winners: Gallows and Anderson because putting the belts on Enzo and Cass should be on a bigger stage. Something big is coming up. If only the WWE would advertise it or give us signs, or just point us in the right direction, I might remember what it is.
- Roman Reigns vs Braun Strowman
Russ: Ok, I know I said I am looking forward to this match on the podcast and I am, but this match can easily go one of two ways. First, both men have proven they can put on high caliber matches. Big Show vs. Braun a couple of weeks back was a really fun and exciting match. So if these two play their cards right we are could be looking at a decent high quality match between two big guys. The other way this could go and the way I’m fearing… They just do a boring brawl with a few hold moves until Undertaker comes out. Roman has been very good at PPV’s in the past year and I don’t see why this should be any different so I’m going to be optimistic here. Undertaker should make his presence felt here costing Roman a win.
Winner: Thanks to the Undertaker, Braaaaauuuuunnn
Kent: Both guys are capable of having a good match, but they have to have the proper opponents. In this case, both guys are way better when they have a better guy in the ring to lead the match. I assume Roman is the leader in this match. I am withholding judgement, but this feels like when Dean and Baron first had a match and it was a dud. These guys need more time to get into a groove, but instead, brawling and rest holds, which are fine, if done right. I expect this match to be pretty fucking bad, and even Taker can’t save this one.
Winner: Braun due to Taker’s gong
- Sami Zayn vs Samoa Joe
Russ: Sami I have some news for you. Joe is going to KILL you. This is the match I can’t wait for. Two fantastic in ring performers and Joe’s first main roster PPV. He isn’t a rookie though, so look for this match to be fantastic.
Winner: Joe, but Sami will put up a hell of a fight.
Kent: This match has to deliver in a big way, and I don’t know if it will. We know that Joe has to win. What we don’t know is if there is going to be any interference. Also, has there been any consideration of maybe doing Joe and HHH vs Seth and Sami at Mania in order to ease Seth in and have a really good match?
Winner: Joe via HHH’s help would be awesome. It would move the story that Joe is HHH’s bitch basically.
- Jack Gallagher vs Neville for the Cruiserweight Championship
Russ: Again, given time this match should be another great match. I love Jack and his time will come, but right now Neville needs to keep that Championship in order to build it up a bit. I was ok with the quick change of hands in the past, but now we need to develop some prestige and Neville is the guy to do it. If this match gets more than 10 minutes (I’ll be shocked) this could be the edge that the cruiserweights need to finally get off the ground as a division.
Winner: Neville, but I won’t be heartbroken if Jack wins.
Kent: Neville should win this since we are on our 4th champion already. This isn’t the RAW women’s division, so let’s chill on the switches. I like both guys and I think this has match of the night potential and is actually my pick.
Winner: Neville, maybe with some cheating as that would be fine.
- Goldberg vs Kevin Owens for the Red Belt
Russ: Alright, this has two ways of going as well. First way, and the way I dread it will go. Goldberg will squash KO and win the belt and our Main Event will be utter garbage, but Jericho will come out in the end and pick the bones clean of KO. Or worse yet, wait till Monday night where KO will get his rematch and Jericho will ruin that. Either way I don’t care for this ending. Second, and the best possible outcome: Jericho said a few weeks back that he wouldn’t let Owens lose the belt at Fastlane. I hope he keeps that promise and attacks KO during the match therefore giving the win to Goldberg, but not putting the belt on him. This will give us the Main Event at WM that we really want to see, Jericho vs. KO, belt for belt!
Winner: (being optimistic again: KO
Kent: I’m not doing it, I’m not saying it. It’s not happening. Spoiler alert, Goldberg is not walking away as the champion tonight. It just makes zero sense moving forward. The WWE is dumb, but is it this dumb? Reputation time. I will go so far as to say this, IF Goldberg leaves tonight as the champion, I will write a 5 page essay about all the dumb things that WWE has done over the past 14 months. It will be absolutely insulting, and time consuming, but I will do it if WWE is this fucking stupid. I’ve laid down the gauntlet. Kevin Owens deserves to be treated better.
Winner: Goldberg, but KO retains.
- When the night is over, will this event be memorable for anything whatsoever?
Russ: Does being quickly forgotten count as memorable? Seriously though, There are potential for some good matches here, maybe we’ll get a diamond in this rough patch.
Kent: I think this has potential to be the best Cruiserweight match since the tournament and may be remembered by the end of the year as a candidate for match of the year.
- Name the match that you are most looking forward to.
Russ: Joe vs Sami, these two have had some good matches in NXT, up on the big stage I expect it will be even better.
Kent: Neville vs Jack is what I am banking on, but the Joe and Sami should also be great. Nothing else.
- Name the match that you are least looking forward to.
Russ: Nia vs Sasha, but it barely beat out Charlotte vs Bayley
Kent: Charlotte vs Bayley only because it should be a long ass 20-30 minute boring match of boredom. Also, I’m really not looking forward to the Goldberg match.
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