Can’t Buy Me Love (1987)

Yay, another movie that sounds absolutely awful.  I can hardly wait.  This one was suggested by Bitty, so the next 90 minutes is on her.

Oh crap, I forgot that The Beatles did a terrible song called Can’t buy Me Love.  Fucking hell.  Hey, Seth Green is involved.  He’s gotta be young as hell here.  Paula Abdul was the choreographer.  Good to see 80’s mom hair in full effect.  If I never hear this song ever again, or any Beatles for that matter, and I would be okay.  I don’t hate them, but I have heard them way too much.  Cheerleaders….I can get interested about them, if they go in the shower together and show lots of skin. Ronald has the right idea just gawking.  By the way, I dislike high school movies, as I have mentioned before.  Dad in cut off shorts….yikes.

This is dumb.  He’s giving her a grand and he’s not even getting a hummer?  All of this in hopes of getting cool?  Fuck being cool.  You pay for pizza or BJ’s.  a grand can get you over 50 pizzas today, so let’s say 100 back then.  100 pizzas or high school popularity?  Yeah, I am bringing reasonable perspective to this.  Or do half and half, 50 pizzas, the rest on a cute chick who isn’t popular, but combined, it raises your popularity profile a bit.  Bitty, since you are reading this, why did you do this to me?  HEY, PIZZA!!!  OK, now they are reading my F’N mind.  What a waste of perfectly good pizza.

Cindy’s attire in this film is terrible.  Cindy has never even done a nude scene.  Oh man, the old Doritos bag!  So far the food has pumped me up more than anything else in the first third of the movie.  She’s already starting to dig him?  They didn’t wait at least 15 more minutes.  I’m confused.  Where’s Jason Voorhees when you need him?  The romantic place to be is the airplane junkyard?    Maybe this is why I have always been bad with bitches.  That or because I call them bitches.  No, definitely my lack of airplane junkyard knowledge.  Well sir, nobody is living on the moon, you jackass. Seriously, he blew the deal?  Wow, I mean, I know that I am terrible with girls, but man.  “I love your hair.  It is so saturated.”  Really?  REALLY?  Did the writer of this like pro wrestling?

This kinda reminds me of Stephen King’s “Christine”.  Nerdy high school becomes cool, slicks back his…….locker room, girl’s locker room!!  Wait, there is pro wrestling!  Hahaha, fucking A, nailed it! Anyway, this is similar to Christine, but I haven’t heard any great songs, and nobody has died.  There’s a reason why Christine will still be cool as shit 30 years from now.  It has it all.  One thing I can say for 80’s high school movies is the school dances always had live bands and they were ALWAYS amazing.

Yeah, his spastic dancing is starting a trend.  For fuck’s sake. This scene is getting the slow clap, and is the best thing so far.  This is the 80’s shit I can get behind.   Anytime a chick says “alone at last” if you aren’t groping her within 5 minutes, you have blown it.  Make that 3 minutes.  How is Seth Green never being monitored by his parents?  All 80’s films should be required to have a van or a station wagon.  These are facts.  Cindy taking the high road is balderdash.  Ronnie, how you gonna do your boys like that with the Halloween shit?  You never fuck your guy friends over, no matter what age.  These are the rules.  “Shut up Chuck!”  “She’s given more rides than Greyhound.”  Some of these are winners.  The second third was infinitely better than the first, thanks mainly to the dance.

Ronnie is killing it.  Oh, and there’s Bobby.  It’s about time.  Miller Genuine!  The Champagne of Beer!  Bobby’s hair is something to behold.  YEAH, Bobby just called Cindy a prostitute and stormed out.  Ohhhhh shit.  It’s going down for real with the big reveal.  Cindy is bringing down the truth hammer, ouch.  Now he’s being rejected by everybody.  See, this is why pizza was the better play.  He could still have about 20 pizzas to eat and been getting tail from the average cute chick.  Even the big girl is getting in on the joke!  That’s what I am fucking talking about right there.  Kenneth is about to break his foot off in Ronnie’s ass.  Just finish him, put a bullet in his bubblegoose.

Dude, you can’t go in the girl’s bathroom, unless it’s to get your freak on, or play a hilarious joke.  Once again, there are rules.  I wish they would play Chicago’s “Look Away” here.  It would be sweet.  Really, we got the slow clap, like really got one.  You know how to make this movie end better?  If CIndy’s mom nailed him.  Oh fuck, stop with the Beatles.  Come on, I was softening my stance on this.

End Film

Oddly enough, I would watch this again, if we can skip the first 15-20 minutes and any Beatles music.  Those are the caveats.  This just flowed better, told a better story than something like Sixteen Candles.  This feels like a precursor to Angus, a movie that I loved as a teen.  Now granted, he didn’t pay the girl, he was just a big dude, but similar idea.  This just resonated with me more for whatever reason.  Good job Bitty!

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