Tales From The Crypt released Demon Knight in 1995 and it was quite a success, it was a really fucking good movie, so they immediately pounced to do a second one. Alas, I think most people would agree that they either chose the wrong project or they rushed it. Looking on IMDB, it didn’t even make back half of it’s budget, and maybe it did after video sales, but the fact remains, this film flopped. It stars Dennis Miller, Angie Everhart, Chris Sarandon, Corey Feldman, Erika Eleniak, Phil Fondacaro, and even William Sadler briefly. Not great, but a capable cast. Another complaint that I want to air immediately is how Demon Knight had a great song on it’s soundtrack that got lots of radio play in Hey Man Nice Shot by Filter. This one goes uses All Right Now and Ballroom Blitz, so that didn’t help promote the film one damn bit. Things like that make a difference. On with the show, and so I will have my spoilers and then my final thoughts and rating at the end.
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We start off with Phil Fondacaro, the awesome midget/little person that we have seen in Seinfeld so frequently. He’s on an expedition in Tierra del Fuego which is in Argentina, as I just learned. They find an ancient tomb. It’s the tomb of Lilith, and she is the most horrible woman the world has ever known, and Phil has her heart which is in 4 separate chambers. He allows the heart to reconnect, and it’s beating. This is beyond silly already. He puts the heart in her, and it stops beating. So he tells the guys to wrap her up, but now there is blood and through the power of terrible 90’s special effects, we see her come back to life. She’s a vampire and she is attacking Phil’s entourage. She goes to attack Phil, but he has the key from Demon Knight, and that keeps him safe. Lilith is played by Angie. We then see that this is actually a story told to the Cryptkeeper by the Mummy, who is William Sadler. They wasted half of their talented actors on the first ten minutes of this film. They play a game, Mummy wins and he chops off Cryptkeeper’s hand, which is a callback to the TV Series. Now it’s time for the real film.
Katherine Verdoux (Erika) and Caleb (Corey) are brother and sister. She seems normal, minus the religious stuff, while Caleb is a go nowhere type of guy. At the bar, Caleb and his 3 friends decide that they want to get laid, so this weird guy tells them of a place to go get their fuck on. The address brings them to a funeral home, which is obviously a bordello. McCutcheon answers the door and takes Caleb and his one buddy, Reggie, and tells him to get in this big ass coffin, they don’t want to, but McCutcheon has a gun, so that’s the way it is. It appears that they are going to be burned alive, but it’s a trip straight to a pair of delicious titties. So many titties. Tallulah is the black chick and she takes Caleb’s buddy, but Lilith joins in and well he’s dead via tongue extending down his throat and causes his heart to explode out of his chest. Caleb’s chick is Patrice, and she has a third nipple. Lilith pays a visit, and scene change. It all goes downhill from here.
Katherine reports her brother missing, and the cops won’t do anything, but Rafe Dennis Miller) is there to help. Reverend Current is played by Sarandon, and he is so over the top, it’s pretty fucking funny to be honest. Huh, Phil has another role in this. Good for him. McCutcheon likes to play with this bigger dead ladies tits. He is a creepy fuck, and he does it incredibly well. Jenkins is the name of the guy that gives out the address and talks about getting fucked. That dude is probably the best part of this, aside from the mass amount of tits. Ohhhh man, the “Two, Four, Six, Eight, You can watch me masturbate” while Angie is dressed as a cheerleader scene. I’m not gonna lie, as a 16 year old without internet porn, I very much enjoyed that scene. The officer’s name is Noonan, hopefully a shout out to Tom Noonan, who was in Monster Squad.
So at about the halfway mark here, let me catch you up to speed. Phil, who’s character’s name is Vincent is still alive and still has the key but he is working for Lilith and JC, yes those are Reverend’s initials. Clever, right? So Rafe is doing investigating, and he’s a down on his luck guy who is kind of a joke, his wife divorced him, got all of his money, he’s basically a Steven Weber type character and I’m surprised they didn’t just cast Steven Weber in this particular role. So he checks out the whorehouse, locks up a girl and accidentally leaves his wallet. Lilith tastes his blood as the chick had some bloody residue on her fingers, and he apparently has some rare blood. She hasn’t had this blood since Ivan the Terrible. Katherine works for JC, she wants to believe Rafe. They go to the cops with the nose ring that Rafe found at the bordello. They check things out, but there’s no evidence of anything wrong currently. Also Katherine saw Rafe with Lilith and her taint is no longer tingling for him. JC is apparently the #2 guy in charge. Katherine wants to make a documentary about lust and Vincent stole the key back. Lilith wants to expand her business into the local strip club, and the key has been destroyed by Vincent for whatever reason. There is no videotape and photo evidence that they are dealing with invisible people…or vampires.
Caleb calls Katherine, and her and Rafe find him, but he’s a vampire now, and his performance is so fucking over the top. Good ole Feldman. The whole scene is terrible. Katherine is captured by McCutcheon, Vince, and Caleb, while Rafe is put in cuffs by Noonan. Rafe kills a vampire nurse, and Whoopie Goldberg appears as a patient in a bed briefly. Rafe drives a car through the front door of the bordello, and McCutcheon and Vincent are taken out. JC and Rafe join forces to kill the titties, I mean whores, with a super soaker and Ballroom Blitz playing. This is some of the most 90’s film that you will ever see. JC goes to free Katherine, but it’s really Lilith, and she stabs him, so Rafe hits her with a battle axe. Solid. Rafe finds Katherine, unties her, and they check on JC who is on the verge of death. So they are gonna go live at the TV studio and crazy shit is happening. The producer, Jonas is killed, Rafe gets handcuffed to scaffolding, and Lilith attacks Katherine. Rafe starts the laser up and yeah, I forgot to mention the laser show with the devil, but yeah, it’s there and getting used. It lasers a cross in Lilith’s back, which isn’t enough to take her out. Oh, her prosthetics are so badly done. Katherine removes Lilith’s heart, calls her a heartless bitch, we get some slow-mo for no real reason. The 90’s, am I right? Now Katherine and Rafe are all close and lovey dovey. We then see the vampire bite marks on Katherine’s thighs as she kills Rafe. By the way, if you didn’t see that coming after Rafe quickly checked her neck for bites, well consider yourself an amateur.
Final Thoughts – This movie has aged really badly. The pro’s are that tits will always be fun to look at, and the Cryptkeeper is timeless. Oh, and Corey Feldman may or may not fully know what he’s doing, but you can’t take your eyes off of him. The con’s are plentiful, from the terrible special effects, to the characters, to the very lousy story. Dennis Miller was fine, but Steven Weber would have been better. Angie, she tried, and this was a good role for her. I’m not sure if anybody could have really done the role much better when put into context, but I would have loved to see Kathy Ireland try it. This film simply lacked the charm that the TV show and Demon Knight and all of the old 70’s films had. I haven’t seen Ritual yet, so this may not be the worst of the group. With that being said, I have seen this film far too many times thanks to adolescence. Boobs are boobs.
Rating: 5.3 because I have seen it so many times, and I do enjoy a few of the characters and scenes. It’s guilty pleasure material at best though.
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