Ritual (2002)

This is the last “official” Tales From the Crypt film, but there’s a story to that.  It was originally intended to be released after Bordello of Blood, but that bombed. Universal sold the rights to Miramax so they could make a stand alone film.  So there’s a brief history lesson.  I guess this movie deals with Voodoo.  I can’t say that I am excited to see this, I have avoided it all of these years, but no time like the present.  There will be spoilers coming up.  Feel free to skip to the end to see my final thoughts and rating.

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SPOILERS

Well we start off with girls in bikinis and lots of Cryptkeeper jokes.  He has a dreadlock wig, and these jokes are fucking awful.  Even by his standards.  This film has Jennifer Grey and Tim Curry appears to have a small role.  Well there’s Tim already, staring down some broad’s dress. Erick Avari is in this, and you know him from numerous films like The Mummy (Brendan Frasier’s), Stargate, and Mr Deeds.  He just got some action from a black chick with smaller boobs.  For whatever reason, his whole room just went up to 200 degrees, everything explodes, he exploded, she ran away and was being chased by something.  He was just to perform some DNA test for her.  I really don’t know.  Alice (Jennifer Grey) is a doctor I guess and wants to use an experimental drug that isn’t FDA approved or tested or something, on some sick child.  Her superior says no, so naturally she uses it and the child dies.  Show of hands, who is surprised by this?  What a lame ass attempt at a jump scare, it was all just a dream scene.  So her license is suspended for 2 years, wah wah wah.  That guy put Baby in her place.  Off to Jamaica she goes to be with a encephalitis patient names Wesley.  

Man, everybody has machetes in Jamaica.  I like that aspect, but it’s so warm, and I can only imagine the bugs there.  Fuck that noise.  I wish we all could carry machetes outside in upstate NY without getting weird looks.  JB is the guy who gives Alice a ride and his dad is a voodoo healer guy.  We meet Paul, who is Wesley’s brother.  Then there is Violet and Ramon are like the caretakers of the house.  Wesley has seizures and thinks that he’s a zombie.  OK, solid.  Caro is the black chick that was with the burned up guy.  Caro is a strange bitch.  Caro has a thing for Wesley.  Jennifer walk around with no pants o and open shirt, that’s adequate.  Alice see Wesley leave with 2 guys and Paul meets her outside.  He invites her in and Ramon ties her up on the couch and dumps spiders on her and of course it’s just a dream, with hard nipples.  She wakes up to some doll thing hanging above her shower.  

She goes and visits Caro in the morning and Caro has a fine ass.  The doll is Obeah, Jamaican voodoo.  Time to meet Wesley, and he’s such a pain in the ass.  Time meet JB’s father, and on the way, we find a man just hanging out inside of a tree.  JB then had a voodoo spell or some shit applied to him and he saw really bad shit, just not as bad as the special effects.   We find out that the dad can’t help, there’s a “bigger” man who is doing this, and is probably who fucked with JB.  Then Papa gets a mindfuck as well.  We find out that Tim Curry is Matthew Hope who is a doctor who likes pumpum.  We find out 20 years ago that Paul and Wesley’s mom as well Caro’s mom were killed via machete.    There’s a big dinner scene.  Wesley is very lively this night.  There’s a blonde with a nice rack, I want to know more about.  Jackie is her name and her man Scott was dancing with caro the whoooore.  Jacie is pissed and also revealed that paul is supposed to be selling the estate.  On the way home, Scott and Jackie’s tire pops.  Scott is killed and the car gets beat to shit.  Alice turned down Wesley’s advances.  Jen does try to show as much cleavage as she has, which isn’t much.  We keep seeing this cut scene of like a festive voodoo dance and Wesley is there.  Caro and Alice run, both are in really thin shape.  While out running, they find Jackie’s dead body.  So there’s that.  Jesus, Jackson is a ripped buff dude.  They are trying to get us to believe that Wesley is the killer, and Alice wants to leave because of so many things that she learning.  

By the way, pumpum means pussy.  This is so dumb.  Alice is riding with Caro, on a bike and thinks that she is being chased and gets them into a minor accident and Caro claims that she is fine.  Tim Curry is randomly carrying a goat.  Time for a swim, and Alice gets down to her undies and Tim Curry is pleased.  Oh man, big hoss Archibald just killed Jackson and Wesley and Alice are out on the beach making out.  Wow, she’s a fucking idiot talking about wanting to brag about kissing a zombie.  Hard nipples again though.  Oh and Wesley woke up with visions and he has a butcher knife.  Cool.  Well he just killed Caro and Matthew witnessed it.  He then attacks Alice, but it’s a dream….of course.  Matthew, Caro, and and Wesley snap her out of it.  Matthew and Paul both know what she has, but in 3 days, the sale goes through.  Matthew wants to tell her what she has, but Paul says nay.  Matthew called her anyway, but didn’t fully tell her.  Archibald then kills Matthew because he wants this deal to go through.  Wesley now finds out about the deal closing, and Jackie wa s a real estate broker.  Alice just has 24/7 hard nipples apparently.  Wesley is pissed about Paul selling.  Alice reaches out to Violet to get some help.  When Wesley got sick, he wrote out his will to give his money to all of the local people.  Soooo, any guesses on who the “bigger man” is?

Time to go to a Ritual and show off Jen’s sorta cleavage some more.  Jen is dancing hard, sweating hard, and her shirt is very see through.  It appears that the solution lies in the cat with leukemia.  They are so close to figuring it out.  They know that Matthew is the veterinarian who infected Wesley.  Paul, Archibald, and Matthew were the ones behind it initially at least.  Archibald has apprehended Wesley.  Do Violet and Ramon also have something at stake here?  Wesley is trying to overturn his brother’s power of attorney.  Alice and Caro try to check on Wesley, but the road is blocked, so they take an alternate route, but Caro gets exhausted, so Alice goes on up ahead meets JB.  There’s a big ceremony and Paul is there, Wesley looks fucked up.  Paul blows some zombie dust in Wesley’s face.  There’s also somebody dressed really neat in lack and white.  They are going to bury Wesley alive.  Caro was under the neat mask! What a tweest!  JB and Alice made their move too soon, dummies.  Caro is Paul and Wesley’s half sister, and that’s why her mom got killed and Paul did the same shit and that explains the DNA test in the beginning of the movie.  So much revealing happening.  Caro was never infected, she hung up the doll, smashed up the lab, and infected both Alice and Jackson.  Jackson killed Paul’s Pumpum and the real estate couple.  She tried to get Alice to leave.  Caro wants Alice to blow the dust in JB’s face, but she blows it in Caro’s face and they dig up Wesley.  Wesley then gets married to Alice.  Apparently so did Archibald and Caro…..the fuck?  Good for him.  Like he didn’t get arrested or punished after everything?  Really?

End Film, and here’s a gallery of Jennifer Grey’s hard nipples.

Final Thoughts – This was an interesting film.  Actually the story in totality is better than Bordello of Blood’s.  There are times that it really drags and the pieces are there but it takes awhile to piece certain things together.  Then there are the stupid dreams.  Then there’s the loud ass music dreams that are unnecessarily loud.  The acting wasn’t bad.  Actually Jennifer Grey did fine, but this role would have been improved by larger breasts.  Don’t doubt that opinion for a second.  Still, it worked.  I think I would watch this again.  I can’t sit here and place my reputation on the line and recommend this, but it’s not so bad, you do need patience.

Rating: 5.3 I think I would see this again.

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