The Green Inferno (2013)

An Eli Roth Movie.  Nope, the trailer didn’t look good.  I assume this will be some big sacrifice type film.  I have no idea though.  I hope there’s  no bullshit message, if there I, too bad.  This stars nobody that I am familiar with.  Let’s just cross our fingers that I don’t want to punch things by the end.  There will be my usual spoilers are I watch the film, and you can skip those and jump to my final thoughts and rating at the end if you prefer a little TLDR version.

 

SPOILERS

It appears that we are dealing with some college students protesting with a hunger strike, but the one chick is in her panties, so that’s ok.  Kaycee is the blonde, bitchy, annoying, and the type of person that you wish to backhand.  Justine is the dark haired girl.  They are learning about female genital mutilation in some countries.  Wow, this is bad, really bad.  The protests were for janitors.  Some dude dude wants Justine to join this ACT group.  Fucking college kids.  Justine’s dad is a lawyer for the UN apparently.  Apparently some group is knocking down trees and wiping out some native people and Justine spoke up but Alejandro called her out for being a freshmen while big dude chased her down and apologized.  Alejandro is big on shaming people to get them to change their ways into his beliefs.  Uh huh.  OK, can we just get to the point when they travel to the Amazon?  I hope every last one of these fucks get killed.  Man, the pizza looks really good.  Justine is bringing her necklace, so that will be important.  Kaycee isn’t going, so that’s a shame.  I wanted to see her die.  We have a ginger girl on this trip.  On the plus side, I did say before picking this movie that I was looking for something mindless and it’s not letting me down.  Jonah is the bigger dude’s name and he is into Justine.  Alejandro is just letting them know that the people are about to fuck with will have guns, after they’ve flown to Peru.  He’s the worst.

These funcking idiots are using their phones way too often considering that that is their only line of defense.  Hey, a machete to go take a piss due to snakes.  Fuck, why am I seeing this dude’s dick and a spider.  Fuck no.  I didn’t sign up to see wang and no pussy.  Fuck that shit.  Equal opportunity!!!  They all get this suits and helmets and they look ridiculous.  Great.  Oh, and they have facemasks that block their identity.  Neat.  Now they are chaining themselves to trees and equipment.    Now, a big explosion.  Justine cannot get her lock to latch.  Hahaha, great.  She shows her struggle so they are going to get her.  Yup, they went after her first.  Yup, now they mention that her dad works for the UN and they openly urge them to kill her.  Good, do it.  Well time to escort them back to the boats, but the bags are missing that they left behind.  I forgot (didn’t care) to mention that.  They get back on a plane because Alejandro paid them up.  Oh, they are trending!  WOW!  This is fucking dumb.  I’m done typing for a bit.  I’ll cover the rest in a paragraph after this is done.Oh wait, the plane is going down….sweet.

All hell broke loose.  Like 3 or 4 people died in the crash, including a comedy kill.  They they got attacked by the natives in the red paint/blood and everybody gets darted, except for Alejandro’s bitch, she dead via arrows.  There are like 200 of these natives.  Oh, there’s some skeletons, head on a stick.  Good shit.  Lots of heads on sticks.  Jonah is laid down on rocks, forced to drink something, is now being held down, and has his eyes ripped out as the head bitch in charge eats his eyes.  Next his tongue is cut out and she eats it.  OK, chopping his right arm and leg off.   There goes the left leg and now left arm.  Finally his head is cut off.    Time to fill the bowl with blood for her to drink.  Alright, I am so on board with all of this.  It appears that they are prepping his body for eating, I hope.  I’m shocked at the lack of female nudity.  Everybody is getting some good eating from his body at least.  Oh great, one of the girls has the shits.  The kids all laugh at her diarrhea.  Ginger tries to escape through the roof, but there are dart snipers always watching.  They are accurate as hell.  Time to pick the next victim, or not.  They snag all 3 women.  They are checking if the girls are virgins.  Blonde wasn’t, Ginger wasn’t, Justine is, the tribe is pleased.  She gets marked by her cherry blood, and then dust in her face to knock her out.  She is special apparently.  Ginger is gonna try to escape, her name is Samantha, blonde is Amy.  I know have names.  They distract the guards with a phone and Samantha goes running.  She used to run track.    She made it to a boat, so there’s that.  Justine is brought back in her underies and is with some facial decoration.  Awww, Vegan Amy doesn’t like the food they offer her.  They plan on escaping tonight.  Well, she saw the kids were cut badly, So she breaks her bowl and slits her throat and no more Amy.  They have some left over weed and they put it down Amy’s throat in hopes of fucking them up when they cook her and feed her to the village.  Alejandro decides now the best time to jerk off.  Seriously.  They cook up Amy.

Everybody is high and passing out a bit.  Well Justine and Daniel escape, but Alejandro darted Lars to have somebody with him.  Lars is so fucked.  The guards have the munchies, and Lars is tasty to them.  Alejandro doesn’t care.  Yup, they just eat him raw, like zombies in the Walking Dead.  A little girl runs off with his leg.  She is so proud.  Back to Justine and Daniel, they see smoke so they plan on going that direction, but Justine is a shit swimmer and gets swept by the current.  He saves her dumbass.  As they get to where they had hoped would be the bulldozing crew, they find members of their team up on posts and all dead.    I’m just waiting for some darts.  There we go!  They were found and darted.  

Daniel is tied to a post and getting beat while Justine is nude and getting lathered up.  They are spreading green shit on Daniel.  Justine has some adequate tits, I can dig them.  Oh shit, they released the ant on Daniel.  Oh, this is bad.   Unfortunately, they covered Justine’s crotch, way too much. BOOOOO!  I said equal opportunity you punk ass bitches.  Justine escaped with help from a kid, and she has nice tits.  Good for her.  Daniel is still alive.  What about Ginger?  Daniel’s throat is now slashed.  Alejandro asks to be let out, but nope.  I could watch her run around like this the whole movie.  Well the boy who helped her escape is in trouble.  Justine comes across some big cat animal.    She avoids it to find men with guns shooting the tribe.  She thinks that just because she has a camera that she is untouchable.  She tosses and breaks the phone so the leader lets her live.  They get her to the chopper.  They covered her up.  What the fuck?  Oh, Alejandro is still alive, and got darted, wah wah wahhhhh.  I assume that I missed Ginger’s body somewhere while typing this.  She then tells her dad and other important men about how nice the natives were and how they helped her out of the jungle, and felt no fear until the bulldozers showed up.  She denies having seen any cannibalism.  Alejandro made it out and she bites him….and it’s just a dream.  She wakes up to more protests.

End Film

 

Oh my lawd, the credits feature the actor’s Twitter handles.  Fucking lame as fuck.  Justine gets a call from Luciana, Alejandro’s sister, and she saw a pic of him and now she wants to talk to Justine.  Was that the set up for the sequel?  Oh, apparently the food that they were serves was Samantha.  I missed that part.  My bad.  Also, Justine was being marked for genital mutilation, I missed that as well.  I figured she would just get railed until she got knocked up, or so was the plan.

 

Final Thoughts – This was better than I wanted to give it credit for.  I admit when I am wrong.  I just really loathed these characters, and I truly enjoyed watching them die.  It pisses me off that some characters lived.  I think there should have been way more nudity.  Justine’ during the last 10 minutes or so was good eye candy for what it was.  The gore and death were brutal at times.  Eli’s lighthearted take at times kinda screwed up the mood if you ask me.  A guy running into a  propeller like this was the three stooges or something, seemed odd. If you can get in the mindset that everybody in this film is an asshole, you can possibly enjoy the repercussions. Otherwise, you may want to avoid it, and know that it doesn’t pick up for a good 20-30 minutes in, but then it’s  a decent hour long flick.  Seriously, just avoid the first 30 minutes and I bet this movie is great.

 

Rating: 5.8 I would watch this again, probably minus the beginning third.

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