Texas Chainsaw 3D (2013)

Oh no, not another horror film trying to capitalize on the lure of 3D.  Seriously, it’s a ridiculously long, and by and large, bad list of horror films.  To try to make sense of this one, you have to forget every sequel and remake.  This gets rid of all of that and is a direct follow up to the 1974 film.  Confused?  Yeah, I imagine so were many other people.  Then there is the questionable casting of Trey Songz.  He wasn’t a good pick and I know that horror has a fine lineage of hip hop stars in horror films, but he wasn’t very good.  It wasn’t even his fault, but they made his character pretty shitty with not much to work with, if we are being completely honest.  Scott Eastwood is a capable actor, but he wasn’t given much to work with either.  They did bring back Gunnar Hansen, Marilyn Burns, and Bill Moseley from the past, and that was a cool thing.  Anyway, let me do up a synopsis with some spoilers and then my final thoughts and rating.

 

SPOILERS

 

This movie starts with the town getting vengeance on the Sawyer clan and burn their farmhouse down.  This is led by Mayor Burt Hartman.  It very much reminds me of the shoot out at the beginning of Devil’s Rejects.  This was a fun start.  A lady has a baby, Edith Rose Sawyer, and she gets shot, so Gavin and Arlene take the baby in and treat it as their own,  So like 20 years later, we are in present day.  We meet our group of jackass young people: Heather (Alexandra Daddario), Ryan (Trey), Nikki, and Kenny.  On top of that, they pick up a hitchhiker….yes, for reals, and his name is Daryl (Scott Eastwood).  Heather finds out that she is adopted by the way and gets all pissy at her folks.  She meets up with the lawyer, Farnsworth, played by the great Richard Riehle.  Heather has inherited a house from her aunt Verna, and Farnsworth keeps telling her to read the letter that comes with it, but Heather is a dumbass.  Seriously, you get a free house, maybe you should read the fucking letter.  

Anyway, Daryl tries stealing while everybody else is out shopping for food and supplies.  Well Daryl gets got by Leatherface.  As you can imagine, people get systematically killed.  This time though, There’s Leatherface and Mayor Hartman who just has a hate on for the Sawyers.  This gets a tad convoluted along the way as Heather learns of her family history.  At the end, when all of her people are dead, the Mayor and his cronie are about to put Leatherface in a grinder, but Heather saves Leatherface’s life.  He is now her protector and they fuck up shit.  This part was a feel good moment, although you are left to sympathize with the murderous Sawyers…I think.  I don’t know anymore.  There was a good story here, but too much bullshit to be truly happy.  Then the tacky addition of 3D does make for a less memorable experience.

Also, there’s a great post credits scene where Heather’s parents come to try to cash in, and Heather ain’t having any of that so they meet Mr. Leatherface.

 

End Film

 

Final Thoughts – I loved how they tied this to the original.  I really enjoyed that aspect.  I didn’t need all of the filler.  I know that filler was needed.  Unfortunately, they tried to make the Sawyer’s sympathetic, and I am unsure if that was smart.  This isn’t Devil’s Rejects where we followed them on this story and journey.  Technically, the journey was the original and that isn’t gonna make you like them much.  I’d be thrilled if we don’t get a 3D horror film for another 10-20 years.  They almost always suck huge donkey dick.  If you want a different take on the story, which is what all of the modern films seem to be about, you could do worse.  Just know that the acting is lackluster after the opening house burning.

Rating: 5.1 Mainly because I want to watch this after the original to see if I get more from this perhaps.  I wish it did better with the group’s characters.  

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WWE’s Week In Brooklyn: RAW 08/24/15

This week has been an amazing week for WWE as they had NXT Takeover Saturday, Summerslam Sunday, RAW on Monday, and I’m also checking out the NXT tapings as well. All of this happened at the Barclays Center in Brooklyn, and there were some highs and lows, but mostly highs unless you’re a pretentious ass clown. I would venture so far as to suggest, if you couldn’t find some entertainment from this week, then WWE simply isn’t for you, and that’s ok, but you’re probably a little SAWFT.

RAW

Only 4 matches on this one, soooo lots of talking.

Paul and Brock came out and bitched. Bo Dallas gave his endearing speech, and then took a ride to suplex city……bitch. It was a fun opening, and I love Bo. He is taking on Brock at MSG in October, so that should be fun.

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New Day vs Lucha Dragons with the Prime Time Players on commentary. Fucking new day come out with Xavier playing a trombone and they sing to the tune of Sinatra’s New York, New York. Wow, these guys are on fire in Brooklyn. They win, as expected. Then unexpectedly, there’s familiar music and pyro, and there they are, the greatest tag team of all time, The Dudley Boys. Yes, I rank them ahead of Edge and Christian, Legion of Doom, The Eliminators, and Yoko and Owen. Well, The Dudleys destroyed New Day and 3D’d Xavier through some tables. The crowd saying “Get the tables” was the loudest pop of the weekend I believe. Glad to see the Dudleys back, it should have happened long ago, or at the very least at Summerslam to help me win the predictions contest.

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Cena has granted 500 wishes for Make a Wish, more than any other celebrity, and I respect the hell out of that, even though on screen he annoys me.

Wyatts vs Shield rematch is happening. Typical match from these guys, until the end. The lights go out, and when they come on, there is a much larger Bray Wyatt looking man with a black sheep mask. This dude is legit big. He is a former strongman. He is awesome. He destroys Roman and Dean. This would have boosted Summerslam, but I get why they waited. This guy looks very impressive, now they just need to bring him along slowly, and he should be fine. I really am excited for when Rowan returns and we have a 4 man stable. We hopefully will get the Harper and Rowan feud with the Dudleys.

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Miz had a Miz TV segment with PCB, and it was ok. Becky stole the segment with her quirkiness. I admit, she is growing on me. Then Bellas and Alicia came out and talking shit. The crowd is shitting all over this. I’m sorry, but a “We are awesome” chant is dumb as fuck and people should be ashamed of themselves if they chanted that. These girls did in fact, deserve better. Miz did as good of a job as possible here. This led to a match, and Alicia finally picked up a win. Yay, go Alicia. She is the most underrated girl on the roster. I think they need a women’s tag title, and I think that may allow for better storylines. I’m ok with factions, but team BAD need to shine at some point, and Tamina is severely holding them back Meanwhile, where’s Natalya?

There was a segment with Stardust and Barrett out in the ring, and Stardust attacked Barrett, and then Neville came out and it was short and very rushed. Maybe this leads to a three way….sexually.

Jon Stewart comes out to explain himself. He hit Cena with the chair because Cena doesn’t deserve to break Flair’s record. What a great reason! They could have gone so many avenues, BUT they chose something incredibly logical. Nobody wants it to happen. Flair comes out saying that he was actually cheering on John. I hate that stuff because we both know deep down inside, Flair busted his ass for most of those titles, he earned them unlike Cena. Cena earned some, but a lot were not cool. Cena comes out, is angry. He AA’s Jon and Jon gets help exiting the ring. How neat would it be if we have more interference from other guest hosts during Cena title matches? I still believe the hunt to tie Flair’s record should be dragged out over 2 long years, make it known that is John’s goal, but he keeps falling short or getting screwed. After enough people screw him over, the only way to tie the record is to cheat to win it for #16. It would be a really good long term story, and would lead to the heel turn. By then, either Daniel should be healthy, Roman, Dean, Seth, Bray, Sami, or Cesaro should be over enough to the face of the company. So say he is against Dean for the title, one can hope, right? The crowd is split, as is usual. And Cena can’t put away Dean. Then a ref bump. And then Cena just goes crazy heel, and fucks over Dean. NOW you have a feud for the ages. Cena would go over and have a year long, maybe longer title run. This would be awesome. Cena can be face for #17, but 16 is the big one I feel.

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We then get an 8 man tag with Cesaro, Dolph, Randy, and Ryback vs Owens, Rusev, Sheamus, and Big Show. It’s the, let’s put as much talent in one ring for a match because we just don’t have time. Well, Big Show accidentally KO’s Sheamus, leading to the good guys winning. Afterwards, Owens and Rusev attacked Big Show. They leave together. Then Ziggler kicks Big Show, and Ryback and Cesaro lift Big Show in the air for the RKO. Sweet ending. I am actually intrigued to see if Rusev and Owens continue to work together.

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Backstage, HHH and Tits McGee tell Cena that it’s not cool to attack a celebrity host, so he is escorted from the building. That’s reasonable.

Now time for the Seth Rollins statue presentation. Lots of talking, and they all did their part. Seth was entertaining. He’s a better talker than Roman is. Time to lift the black curtain for the unveiling, and there’s Sting. SWEET. Sting attacks Seth and send him out of the ring, and Sting holds up the belt. And we have our main event at Night of Champions. Now, a few thoughts here. 1. How insultingly stupid was it that as HHH and Steph are backing away, the announcers inform us that immediately after RAW, HHH will be doing an interview? Either that was pre-planned and should have been advertised throughout the show, or it doesn’t make sense. Under who’s “authority” did anybody give the ok that HHH is doing a post RAW interview, while he was in the midst of walking away? Logic is not their friend here. 2. Sting is a great idea, fresh matchup. I wish he didn’t lose to HHH because it is going to suck to have him 0-2 in WWE. Jobbing him at Mania was oen of the worst decisions this decade, morons. If he had that first big win, he could rack up a few losses, and it wouldn’t be a big deal. 3. I still think Cena gets his US championship rematch at Night of Champions and Seth pulls double duty. That tells me that there will be another screwy finish there. 4. Sting looks great. Have him and Taker been working out together?

All in all, this was an angle heavy RAW, as was expected the night after Summerslam. We know at least of 3 matches with Sting vs Seth, Dudleys vs New Day and possibly PTP, and Wyatts and Shield surely aren’t over yet. Add in the Cena match, probably Rusev and Summer vs Dolph and Lana, that’s 5 matches. And we still have 6 guys from the 8 man match, plus divas. Should be a good ppvs. As for rating RAW, for a RAW, I guess you go 8.0. It did a lot. If the divas thing went over better, and the Stardust thing had more substance, it’d be higher. but any night where you have Sting and Dudleys return, a new Wyatt member, a logical explanation from Jon Stewart, a fun 8 man tag, and Bo Dallas pissing off Brock, that’s a damn fine evening if you ask me.

Thank you for reading. Please make sure to check out my other 3 reviews of WWE in Brooklyn.

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