Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)

I feel that this movie gets the shaft when discussing the OG’s of slashers.  Everybody has this odd proverbial hard on for Carpenter’s Halloween, and I have always favored this film instead.  Plus it came out years ahead of it’s time.  We also lost director Tobe Hooper this year, so let’s do this in honor of him.  We will be writing up a spoiler filled synopsis, so feel free to skip over that and hop down to my Final thoughts and rating at the end of the blog.  Enjoy.

 

SPOILERS

I really asked if this was real after watching the opening when I was a kid.  My mom had no clue, I think she said it was.  Good for her lying to my dumbass.  So we have Sally and Franklin, who are siblings, and visit their grandfather’s grave.  Franklin is in a wheelchair.  We also have Jerry, Kirk, and Pam, but let’s face it, they are cannon fodder.  Was it a prerequisite for all horror movies in the 70’s to have a van?  Jerry has great hair and a great shirt.  Franklin talking about how the cows are slaughtered, just ridiculous, and then they pick up the hitchhiker.  We get him and Franklin talking cattle, then he steals Franklin’s pocket knife and cuts himself and giggles.  This guy is so nutty, but set the stage for what’s to come.  He invites the gang to have dinner with his family and takes a picture of them, but it’s not very good, so he decides he is going to light it on fire, and then takes out his razor and cuts Franklin’s arm.  Poor Franklin. Pam won’t shut the fuck up about horoscopes, so we know who I want to die first every times, but it never happens first.  Sally doesn’t believe in bras, and I thank her.

They make it to the house and nobody is helping Franklin, so he is just bitchy, and hilarious.  Kirk and Pam go off to find a swimmin’ hole, but it’s all dried up.  On the plus side, they see a barn and hear a generator and hope to get some gas.  Kirk goes in the house while Pam sits outside pissed, and he hears a pig squeal.  Well, he meets Mr. Leatherface and his friend, the sledgehammer.  The imagery inside the house is just wonderful.  All the bones and feathers, it’s something to just soak in.  Pam is in a very bad room with lots of tools.  She tries to leave, but Leatherface snags her and places her ass on a meathook, well not her ass, but you get it.  He starts cutting up Kirk with the chainsaw and Pam has to watch. Jerry goes looking for Kirk and Pam while Sally and Franklin stay at the van, and she is pissed at him.  Jerry hears noises in the house and he walks in.  Like everybody just walks in to stranger’s houses like it’s nothing.  Jerry opened the freezer to find Pam, and Leatherface just hammered Jerry in the head.  I bet ole Leatherface was so happy to have that many visitors, but maybe not.  

It’s now nighttime and Sally and Franklin are getting worried.  Franklin thinks that they should go back to the gas station, but Sally wants to go looking for them.  Awww, they don’t have the keys to the van.  Sally’s hard nipples really wants the flashlight, but Franklin doesn’t want to give it up.  He insists on going with her to look.  They keep yelling for Jerry, but wouldn’t it be more efficient to yell for Pam and Kirk with their monosyllabic names?  They hear something.  Ohhh.  It’s Leatherface and Franklin just got tore up in that wheelchair.  Run, Sally, run!!!  

We now have a 25 minute chase scene quintessentially, and old Leatherface is fast for his size.  She runs right to his place because she sees some lights on.  She runs in the house and goes upstairs, of course she does.  She finds a room with 2 bodies in clothes and chairs, so that’s nice.  She starts back down the stairs, but he’s heading up so she just leapt through a window.  Typical female running and falling down.  They make it to the gas station, and she never stops screaming, but fortunately the guy who owns the shop is there to help her.  

The guy offers to drive her to Childress since he has no phone.  He comes back with the truck, a burlap sack and rope.  He attacks her with a broom.  He’s tying her up and gagging her.  Thank you sir.  Sick of her screaming.  He put his sack over her face….HA!  She is whimpering so he starts prodding her with the broom stick.  As he’s driving, he comes across the hitchhiker and this dude starts beating his ass.  So the old dude is the daddy of Leatherface and the hitchhiker.  Daddy is pissed that Leatherface ruined the door.  This is fucking hilarious.  Time to get Grandpa.  Awww, we finally hear the name Leatherface for the first time.  Allllright!  Granpa has seen better days.  Grandpa is sucking on Sally’s cut finger and he is one happy pappy.

Sally passes out, but when she comes to, she is strapped to a chair at the dining room table, and she screams so the brothers start howling.  Hitchhiker starts berating his daddy, saying that he’s only a cook.  She has really beautiful eyes.  They want to let Grandpa have a whack at her.  Grandpa was the best ar killing.  He can’t really hold a hammer anymore.  He tries, and he finally gets her.  But then she leaps out a window and gets to trying to escape.  Hitchhiker is out after her first followed by leatherface hauling ass.  He is cutting her back up from behind.  Then a black dude in the Black Maria truck comes up, runs over and kills the hitchhiker.  Poor Leatherface falls and cuts his thigh and she gets picked up by a pickup truck, and Leatherface stays out in the road just swinging that chainsaw wildly in disappointment.

End Film

Final Thoughts – When I think of the perfect 70’s looking horror flick, this is what comes to mind.  Visually, it is incredible.  It feels so rustic and unfiltered and I mean that in a good way.  The deaths were short, and Sally screams for way too long, but it was a good time.  Leatherface is most definitely silly in a way, but I love the crazy killing family angle.  It just worked really well together.  Also, I loved that Franklin was wheelchair bound.  It was different seeing that kind of character in this type of film.  

Rating:  7.6 seems appropriate given how many films I have enjoyed over the years have openly borrowed from im.  

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I Drink Your Blood (1970)

I know that this film has a group of satanist hippies who wreak havoc on a town.  I know that there is a rape, and I believe some kind of infection happens in the movie.  This was originally given an X Rating due to the graphic violence, and now you know how I chose this movie.Still, I don’t know how bad violence can look in 1970.  Salo came out in 75 and that was brutal.  The challenge has been laid out by me.  I am hoping this impresses me.  I will be writing about the film as it happens, and in my industry, folks call that spoilers, so if you wish to avoid them, scroll  to the last paragraph where I will give you my final thought and a rating.   I want to note that this was apparently filmed in Sharon Springs, NY which is awfully close to me.  Interesting.   Cheers fuckfaces!

 

SPOILERS

Oh man, it starts off in the most grindhouse way, and I’m excited.  This promises to be awful.  Oh man, just starting off with a nude man and his bushy ways, and now lots of people’s bare asses at this satanic ritual meeting.  Satan was an acid head apparently.  The one chick is night to look at.  OK, time to drink from the cup while this chick is spying on the group.  2 of the girls aren’t bad at all.  So they pledge to worship and all of that stuff, including willing to kill for him.  They cut a chicken’s throat, and is dripping blood on a nude woman, and the spy is found, so we get great chase music.  The black dude is super jacked.  Oh the spy is the girl who supposedly got raped.  The black dude has a great belt.  I already have a favorite character.  So the group’s vehicle breaks down so all but one get out, the other guy is sleeping, so they push the vehicle down into a stream and it’s really fucked up.  Mildred accuses her boyfriend’s construction crew of being responsible for the rape of Sylvia.  Horace is the leader of the group and he’s a jacked Native American.  I really hate that term.    Sue Lin is Horace’s Asian chick, and he carries a sword.  The boy warns them that this place they are breaking into is haunted and infest with rats, which we then see a rat hunt of epic proportions.  So weird.  By the way, this town only has a population of 40, so most places are abandoned.  Well, they killed like 30 rats.  Oh, the black dude’s name is Rollo.  Even better!  Because Rollo caught the most rats, he is the master of Sados for the night, I guess.  Ohhh, they do another ritual and they cut the bottom of this dude’s feet.  Damn.  Pete asks his grandpa what he’s doing, but grandpa ha a shotty and he ain’t scurred.  

The group have strung up bloody foot guy and grandpa has found them.  This ought to be fascinating.  Pete followed Grandpa like a dumbass.  Grandpa confronts them, and Horace breaks his glasses and steals his gun and then punches him in the belly.  Sir, you have shit for game.  All talk.  The short haired chick just put some shit in his mouth, I’m sure it’s LSD or something of that nature based on what I have read.  Horace goes after Pete, but he gets kicked in the nuts, and now the chase is, well it’s over, Pete is swinging a big stick like he’s Shelley Duvall going up the stairs fending off Jack.  Pete gets his grandpa and they head back home.  Alrighty.  Grandpa is now home tripping his balls off.  Pete is really impressed, and loading a shogun.  Well Pete shot a mad dog.  Then he went out and extracted some of it’s rabie riddled blood.  Pete has Mildred make some extra pies for the hippies and is going to inject those pies with bod rabie blood.  This kid is fucking great.  He sells the hippies a dozen of meat pies for a quarter apiece.  I don’t know if that is cheap or the going rate for a meat pie in 1970.  Yes, I am curious.  The hippies, except for Andy, who’s been a real whiny bitch this whole film, are enjoying some meat pie.  

Andy sees Sylvia and apologizes for what happened.  Oh, Sados stands for Sons and daughters of Satan.  I am oblivious at times.  Well the sados all have upset stomachs, and Horace wants revenge.  Sue Lin is doing some tarot cards at night and draws the death card.  Uh oh.  She wants Rollo to kill bloody foot guy and so he does, and Andy is a Debbie Downer, as you would expect and then runs away as Rollo gives chase, but Rollo looks messed up, and he finds an axe, awesome.  Horace wakes up and sees the dead dude.  Rollo comes back in seeing shit and swinging the axe at Sue Lin, and he gets shot at and then he chops off one of bloody foot’s feet.  I think Bloody Foot may have been named Shelley.  Rollo is chasing short haired girl through the woods.  Everybody has lost their damn minds.  Roger sends some of the guys to check out what the hell the group is up to.  This chick is such a skank, good for her!  Some of the guy’s find Shelley’s body.  Horace lynch’s one of the guys, the one with the gun, and Horace is foaming at the mouth and this fucking awful noise is playing.  Jesus, enough.  Horace hurts the other guy too.  Any and Sylvia are rolling around in hay.  I think the guys with short haired chick is about to pull a train.  She’s about to give everybody rabies.  This one guy is really adamant about giving her a shower, no that isn’t some figurative thing.  I think short hair may be named Molly.  Carrie is the name of the hot ginger who is a mute.  She has been escorting the pregnant lady.  Carrie also just attacked this nice lady who allowed them in and cut the lady’s hand off.  Pregnant chick took off.  

All of the construction workers are rabid, and some have machetes.  There’s like 8 of them.  This is fucking hilarious.  They don’t like being splashed upon.  There are 10+ grown men having a splashing water fight.  Horace just found a big ass snake in a cage.  This should go well.  Why was this rated X?  Haha, the owner comes out in a white onesie pair of PJ’s and then wrestles with him and puts him in a sleeper.  The fuck was that all about?  Molly is the name of pregnant girl, so short haired girl was Sylvia.  Yes, two characters were named Sylvia in this for some stupid reason.Molly now knows that she has rabies, so she stabs herself in the belly.  Rollo is still on the loose and looking amazing.  Sue Lin wants to kill Mildred.  Roger has a great head of hair.  I think Grandpa has a pitchfork through his throat.  When did that happen?  Mildred is pretty attractive.  Roget leaves Mildred so now Sue Lin and pouring gas on the store, and Horace is running around with his sword and tells Sue Lin to die.  She doses the ground with gas and sits and he charges at her with his ridiculous sword and she lights herself on fire.  Andy, Sylvia and Pete are running, and they are in between Rollo and Horace, who apparently need to square off in a dream matchup, sword vs axe.  This scene proves that as long as you have committed people and a video camera, you can make a film.  The construction people are dragging a goat and Mildred will not let  Sylvia, Pete, or Andy in..  Andy is beheaded and now Mildred lets them in.  Rollo and Horace are still spinning to win.  Some of the absolute worst sound effects in the history of ever.  Mildred, Sylvia, and Pete go downstairs, Rollo kills Horace.  The construction workers are invading the basement, but Mildred as the shotty.  Shotgun bang, what’s up with that thang, I wanna know, how does it hang?  

So Rollo is the last of the original group standing. Mildred is using the water hose to buy some time and they make it into the car.  Did Rollo just die via water hose?  The workers rock the car.  The cops show up and are just firing.  They keep re-using the same footage of the guns firing.  Hahaha.  Roger tells them to hold their fire.   The car got flipped, but they all lived.    

“Death by hydrophobia is agony.” – Police Officer #1

End Film

 

Final Thoughts – You know what, this was bad, but in that entertainingly bad movie that knew it was cheesy but went all out and tried and in that regard, they succeeded.  So many movies try so hard and fall way short because the plot is shit, or it’s miscast.  This one succeeded in all the areas it needed to.  This is definitely a film I will see again a few more times.

Rating: 5.7 Mainly guilty pleasure material here, did they did have a decent script all things considered.  For a close to 50 year old film, they did good.

Please check us out at the actual 9 Deuce website, on Facebook at facebook.com/9deuceblog , on Twitter @official9deuce, or Instagram at Official9Deuce.  Share this, like this, write us an email with a question at kent@9deuce.com.  Thank you.

For the month of October, if you see this logo, click on it to go see the updated list of my 100 Horror Movies In October Marathon.

 

All the pictures used in this blog are for review purposes. They are the property of:

Please go find a copy and support the creators.