Ritual (2002)

This is the last “official” Tales From the Crypt film, but there’s a story to that.  It was originally intended to be released after Bordello of Blood, but that bombed. Universal sold the rights to Miramax so they could make a stand alone film.  So there’s a brief history lesson.  I guess this movie deals with Voodoo.  I can’t say that I am excited to see this, I have avoided it all of these years, but no time like the present.  There will be spoilers coming up.  Feel free to skip to the end to see my final thoughts and rating.

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SPOILERS

Well we start off with girls in bikinis and lots of Cryptkeeper jokes.  He has a dreadlock wig, and these jokes are fucking awful.  Even by his standards.  This film has Jennifer Grey and Tim Curry appears to have a small role.  Well there’s Tim already, staring down some broad’s dress. Erick Avari is in this, and you know him from numerous films like The Mummy (Brendan Frasier’s), Stargate, and Mr Deeds.  He just got some action from a black chick with smaller boobs.  For whatever reason, his whole room just went up to 200 degrees, everything explodes, he exploded, she ran away and was being chased by something.  He was just to perform some DNA test for her.  I really don’t know.  Alice (Jennifer Grey) is a doctor I guess and wants to use an experimental drug that isn’t FDA approved or tested or something, on some sick child.  Her superior says no, so naturally she uses it and the child dies.  Show of hands, who is surprised by this?  What a lame ass attempt at a jump scare, it was all just a dream scene.  So her license is suspended for 2 years, wah wah wah.  That guy put Baby in her place.  Off to Jamaica she goes to be with a encephalitis patient names Wesley.  

Man, everybody has machetes in Jamaica.  I like that aspect, but it’s so warm, and I can only imagine the bugs there.  Fuck that noise.  I wish we all could carry machetes outside in upstate NY without getting weird looks.  JB is the guy who gives Alice a ride and his dad is a voodoo healer guy.  We meet Paul, who is Wesley’s brother.  Then there is Violet and Ramon are like the caretakers of the house.  Wesley has seizures and thinks that he’s a zombie.  OK, solid.  Caro is the black chick that was with the burned up guy.  Caro is a strange bitch.  Caro has a thing for Wesley.  Jennifer walk around with no pants o and open shirt, that’s adequate.  Alice see Wesley leave with 2 guys and Paul meets her outside.  He invites her in and Ramon ties her up on the couch and dumps spiders on her and of course it’s just a dream, with hard nipples.  She wakes up to some doll thing hanging above her shower.  

She goes and visits Caro in the morning and Caro has a fine ass.  The doll is Obeah, Jamaican voodoo.  Time to meet Wesley, and he’s such a pain in the ass.  Time meet JB’s father, and on the way, we find a man just hanging out inside of a tree.  JB then had a voodoo spell or some shit applied to him and he saw really bad shit, just not as bad as the special effects.   We find out that the dad can’t help, there’s a “bigger” man who is doing this, and is probably who fucked with JB.  Then Papa gets a mindfuck as well.  We find out that Tim Curry is Matthew Hope who is a doctor who likes pumpum.  We find out 20 years ago that Paul and Wesley’s mom as well Caro’s mom were killed via machete.    There’s a big dinner scene.  Wesley is very lively this night.  There’s a blonde with a nice rack, I want to know more about.  Jackie is her name and her man Scott was dancing with caro the whoooore.  Jacie is pissed and also revealed that paul is supposed to be selling the estate.  On the way home, Scott and Jackie’s tire pops.  Scott is killed and the car gets beat to shit.  Alice turned down Wesley’s advances.  Jen does try to show as much cleavage as she has, which isn’t much.  We keep seeing this cut scene of like a festive voodoo dance and Wesley is there.  Caro and Alice run, both are in really thin shape.  While out running, they find Jackie’s dead body.  So there’s that.  Jesus, Jackson is a ripped buff dude.  They are trying to get us to believe that Wesley is the killer, and Alice wants to leave because of so many things that she learning.  

By the way, pumpum means pussy.  This is so dumb.  Alice is riding with Caro, on a bike and thinks that she is being chased and gets them into a minor accident and Caro claims that she is fine.  Tim Curry is randomly carrying a goat.  Time for a swim, and Alice gets down to her undies and Tim Curry is pleased.  Oh man, big hoss Archibald just killed Jackson and Wesley and Alice are out on the beach making out.  Wow, she’s a fucking idiot talking about wanting to brag about kissing a zombie.  Hard nipples again though.  Oh and Wesley woke up with visions and he has a butcher knife.  Cool.  Well he just killed Caro and Matthew witnessed it.  He then attacks Alice, but it’s a dream….of course.  Matthew, Caro, and and Wesley snap her out of it.  Matthew and Paul both know what she has, but in 3 days, the sale goes through.  Matthew wants to tell her what she has, but Paul says nay.  Matthew called her anyway, but didn’t fully tell her.  Archibald then kills Matthew because he wants this deal to go through.  Wesley now finds out about the deal closing, and Jackie wa s a real estate broker.  Alice just has 24/7 hard nipples apparently.  Wesley is pissed about Paul selling.  Alice reaches out to Violet to get some help.  When Wesley got sick, he wrote out his will to give his money to all of the local people.  Soooo, any guesses on who the “bigger man” is?

Time to go to a Ritual and show off Jen’s sorta cleavage some more.  Jen is dancing hard, sweating hard, and her shirt is very see through.  It appears that the solution lies in the cat with leukemia.  They are so close to figuring it out.  They know that Matthew is the veterinarian who infected Wesley.  Paul, Archibald, and Matthew were the ones behind it initially at least.  Archibald has apprehended Wesley.  Do Violet and Ramon also have something at stake here?  Wesley is trying to overturn his brother’s power of attorney.  Alice and Caro try to check on Wesley, but the road is blocked, so they take an alternate route, but Caro gets exhausted, so Alice goes on up ahead meets JB.  There’s a big ceremony and Paul is there, Wesley looks fucked up.  Paul blows some zombie dust in Wesley’s face.  There’s also somebody dressed really neat in lack and white.  They are going to bury Wesley alive.  Caro was under the neat mask! What a tweest!  JB and Alice made their move too soon, dummies.  Caro is Paul and Wesley’s half sister, and that’s why her mom got killed and Paul did the same shit and that explains the DNA test in the beginning of the movie.  So much revealing happening.  Caro was never infected, she hung up the doll, smashed up the lab, and infected both Alice and Jackson.  Jackson killed Paul’s Pumpum and the real estate couple.  She tried to get Alice to leave.  Caro wants Alice to blow the dust in JB’s face, but she blows it in Caro’s face and they dig up Wesley.  Wesley then gets married to Alice.  Apparently so did Archibald and Caro…..the fuck?  Good for him.  Like he didn’t get arrested or punished after everything?  Really?

End Film, and here’s a gallery of Jennifer Grey’s hard nipples.

Final Thoughts – This was an interesting film.  Actually the story in totality is better than Bordello of Blood’s.  There are times that it really drags and the pieces are there but it takes awhile to piece certain things together.  Then there are the stupid dreams.  Then there’s the loud ass music dreams that are unnecessarily loud.  The acting wasn’t bad.  Actually Jennifer Grey did fine, but this role would have been improved by larger breasts.  Don’t doubt that opinion for a second.  Still, it worked.  I think I would watch this again.  I can’t sit here and place my reputation on the line and recommend this, but it’s not so bad, you do need patience.

Rating: 5.3 I think I would see this again.

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Bordello of Blood (1996)

Tales From The Crypt released Demon Knight in 1995 and it was quite a  success, it was a really fucking good movie, so they immediately pounced to do a second one.  Alas, I think most people would agree that they either chose the wrong project or they rushed it.  Looking on IMDB, it didn’t even make back half of it’s budget, and maybe it did after video sales, but the fact remains, this film flopped.  It stars Dennis Miller, Angie Everhart, Chris Sarandon, Corey Feldman, Erika Eleniak, Phil Fondacaro, and even William Sadler briefly.  Not great, but a capable cast.  Another complaint that I want to air immediately is how Demon Knight had a great song on it’s soundtrack that got lots of radio play in Hey Man Nice Shot by Filter.  This one goes uses All Right Now and Ballroom Blitz, so that didn’t help promote the film one damn bit.  Things like that make a difference.  On with the show, and so I will have my spoilers and then my final thoughts and rating at the end.

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SPOILERS

 

We start off with Phil Fondacaro, the awesome midget/little person that we have seen in Seinfeld so frequently.  He’s on an expedition in Tierra del Fuego which is in Argentina, as I just learned.  They find an ancient tomb.  It’s the tomb of Lilith, and she is the most horrible woman the world has ever known, and Phil has her heart which is in 4 separate chambers.  He allows the heart to reconnect, and it’s beating.  This is beyond silly already.  He puts the heart in her, and it stops beating.  So he tells the guys to wrap her up, but now there is blood and through the power of terrible 90’s special effects, we see her come back to life.  She’s a vampire and she is attacking Phil’s entourage.  She goes to attack Phil, but he has the key from Demon Knight, and that keeps him safe.  Lilith is played by Angie.  We then see that this is actually a story told to the Cryptkeeper by the Mummy, who is William Sadler.  They wasted half of their talented actors on the first ten minutes of this film.  They play a game, Mummy wins and he chops off Cryptkeeper’s hand, which is a callback to the TV Series.  Now it’s time for the real film.  

Katherine Verdoux (Erika) and Caleb (Corey) are brother and sister.  She seems normal, minus the religious stuff, while Caleb is a go nowhere type of guy.  At the bar, Caleb and his 3 friends decide that they want to get laid, so this weird guy tells them of a place to go get their fuck on.  The address brings them to a funeral home, which is obviously a bordello.  McCutcheon answers the door and takes Caleb and his one buddy, Reggie, and tells him to get in this big ass coffin, they don’t want to, but McCutcheon has a gun, so that’s the way it is.  It appears that they are going to be burned alive, but it’s a trip straight to a pair of delicious titties.  So many titties.  Tallulah is the black chick and she takes Caleb’s buddy, but Lilith joins in and well he’s dead via tongue extending down his throat and causes his heart to explode out of his chest.  Caleb’s chick is Patrice, and she has a third nipple.  Lilith pays a visit, and scene change.  It all goes downhill from here.

Katherine reports her brother missing, and the cops won’t do anything, but Rafe Dennis Miller) is there to help.  Reverend Current is played by Sarandon, and he is so over the top, it’s pretty fucking funny to be honest.  Huh, Phil has another role in this.  Good for him.  McCutcheon likes to play with this bigger dead ladies tits.  He is a creepy fuck, and he does it incredibly well.  Jenkins is the name of the guy that gives out the address and talks about getting fucked.  That dude is probably the best part of this, aside from the mass amount of tits.  Ohhhh man, the “Two, Four, Six, Eight, You can watch me masturbate” while Angie is dressed as a cheerleader scene.  I’m not gonna lie, as a 16 year old without internet porn, I very much enjoyed that scene.  The officer’s name is Noonan, hopefully a shout out to Tom Noonan, who was in Monster Squad.  

So at about the halfway mark here, let me catch you up to speed.  Phil, who’s character’s name is Vincent is still alive and still has the key but he is working for Lilith and JC, yes those are Reverend’s initials.  Clever, right?  So Rafe is doing investigating, and he’s a down on his luck guy who is kind of a joke, his wife divorced him, got all of his money, he’s basically a Steven Weber type character and I’m surprised they didn’t just cast Steven Weber in this particular role.  So he checks out the whorehouse, locks up a girl and accidentally leaves his wallet.  Lilith tastes his blood as the chick had some bloody residue on her fingers, and he apparently has some rare blood.  She hasn’t had this blood since Ivan the Terrible.  Katherine works for JC, she wants to believe Rafe.  They go to the cops with the nose ring that Rafe found at the bordello.  They check things out, but there’s no evidence of anything wrong currently.  Also Katherine saw Rafe with Lilith and her taint is no longer tingling for him.  JC is apparently the #2 guy in charge.  Katherine wants to make a documentary about lust and Vincent stole the key back.  Lilith wants to expand her business into the local strip club, and the key has been destroyed by Vincent for whatever reason.  There is no videotape and photo evidence that they are dealing with invisible people…or vampires.

Caleb calls Katherine, and her and Rafe find him, but he’s a vampire now, and his performance is so fucking over the top.  Good ole Feldman.  The whole scene is terrible.  Katherine is captured by McCutcheon, Vince, and Caleb, while Rafe is put in cuffs by Noonan.  Rafe kills a vampire nurse, and Whoopie Goldberg appears as a patient in a bed briefly.  Rafe drives a car through the front door of the bordello, and McCutcheon and Vincent are taken out.  JC and Rafe join forces to kill the titties, I mean whores, with a super soaker and Ballroom Blitz playing.  This is some of the most 90’s film that you will ever see.  JC goes to free Katherine, but it’s really Lilith, and she stabs him, so Rafe hits her with a battle axe.  Solid.  Rafe finds Katherine, unties her, and they check on JC who is on the verge of death.  So they are gonna go live at the TV studio and crazy shit is happening.  The producer, Jonas is killed, Rafe gets handcuffed to scaffolding, and Lilith attacks Katherine.  Rafe starts the laser up and yeah, I forgot to mention the laser show with the devil, but yeah, it’s there and getting used.  It lasers a cross in Lilith’s back, which isn’t enough to take her out.  Oh, her prosthetics are so badly done.  Katherine removes Lilith’s heart, calls her a heartless bitch, we get some slow-mo for no real reason.  The 90’s, am I right?  Now Katherine and Rafe are all close and lovey dovey.  We then see the vampire bite marks on Katherine’s thighs as she kills Rafe.  By the way, if you didn’t see that coming after Rafe quickly checked her neck for bites, well consider yourself an amateur.

End Film

 

Final Thoughts – This movie has aged really badly.  The pro’s are that tits will always be fun to look at, and the Cryptkeeper is timeless.  Oh, and Corey Feldman may or may not fully know what he’s doing, but you can’t take your eyes off of him.  The con’s are plentiful, from the terrible special effects, to the characters, to the very lousy story. Dennis Miller was fine, but Steven Weber would have been better.  Angie, she tried, and this was a good role for her.  I’m not sure if anybody could have really done the role much better when put into context, but I would have loved to see Kathy Ireland try it.  This film simply lacked the charm that the TV show and Demon Knight and all of the old 70’s films had.  I haven’t seen Ritual yet, so this may not be the worst of the group.  With that being said, I have seen this film far too many times thanks to adolescence.  Boobs are boobs.

Rating: 5.3 because I have seen it so many times, and I do enjoy a few of the characters and scenes.  It’s guilty pleasure material at best though.

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