Tomb of Annihilation (TFTPB) – Chapter Two

It’s me, it’s me, it’s that K E N T.  I gotta say, my favorite line of this week’s blog is: “Subsequently, Ilana and the others met up with Alexa, Dimebag, and a pile of dead elves.”  How does that not tantalize you?  Speaking of tantalizing, I was watching a model dance to this song earlier in the night and now the damn song is stuck in my head.  Skip to 2:28 to get to the actual song.  You’re welcome.  Send all hate mail to somebody who cares.

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Tales from the Plunderbund Consortium

Dark Sun Campaign – Chapter 2

 

Having sustained mild to moderate wounds at the hands of the gith, and needing to wait for the female Jua Dai to awaken, the adventurers decided to take a long rest.  During the rest Ilana decided to molest the magical fruit, at which point she learned that they were fruits of invisibility.

As Ilana finished her magical studies, the female elf awoken screaming, “where is Fanan, my beloved.”  Ilana immediately cast charm person on the elf to ensure they would be the best of friends.  At this point the elf was calmly informed that Jengi was Gith-chow.  

After the screaming, wailing, and gnashing of teeth subsided, the female elf introduced herself as Jengi.  As the conversation proceeded, the adventurers learned that Jengi was the daughter of the Jura Dai chief, Tuga Dai. They also learned many of the things they had been informed of up to this point; 1) slavers from Nibenay had been taking Jura Dai elves as slaves to be sold in Nibenay; 2) the Jura Dai had been doing a number of things to hinder Nibenay (the city state, not the sorcerer king) in the hopes Nibenay (the sorcerer king) would free the slaves as opposed to simply destroying the entire tribe (the annoyance v. actual threat matrix); and 3) they kidnapped the druid and poisoned the oasis to punish Cromlin for allowing Nibenay troops to water there and as part of their continuing campaign to free their brethren.  During their conversation the adventurers revealed their “interest” in the druid.

Despite the fact Jengi was actively hostile to everyone that didn’t have her under a charm spell, the adventurers decided to treat her as a traveling companion rather than a valuable captive.  Upon reaching the Jura Dai fort deep within the Black Spine Mountains, they were rewarded for their trust by having Jengi run ahead and yell, “guards, guards, intruders are here to take the druid, do not let them enter the fort!”  The watchtower guards then appeared, arrows drawn and pointed at the adventurers.

Not wanting to have to assault an elven keep, Dimebag and Alexa headed back down the trail.  Coraanu and Pane-Pan chose to hide in the woods.  Ilana, confused at how her new bestie could act like this (despite not having recast charm person), decided to confront the guards.  What occurred next was a vigorous back and forth between three parties.  Ilana would tell the guards that they saved the princess and that they should be allowed in to see the chief.  The head guard would then say, “you have a point,” at which point Jengi would say, “yes they saved me, but I’m ordering you to kill them, so do it.”  Then Ilana would begin her argument again.

Eventually, Chief Tuga Dai grew weary of this pointless conversation and appeared on the keep walls with his head psionicist.  Demanding to know who was appearing before the great Tuga Dai, both Ilana and Uk’Chataa introduced themselves.  Tuga Dai allowed them to enter the fort but warned them that death by 300 arrows would be swift if they said or did the wrong thing.

Confident in his defiling powers, and in the powers of his chief psionicist, Tuga Dai and the psionicist met alone with Ilana and Uk’Chataa in his private tower.  The two could feel the psionicist probing their minds, and they freely granted access.  They told the great chief that they were thankful for the freedom they were granted when the Jura Dai elves attacked the slave caravan days ago.  They also offered their services in helping free the Jura Dai elves that had been taken into slavery.  The two were also upfront about the fact that Cromlin had hired them to rescue the druid, but that they had no real loyalty to Cromlin and House Shom.  In fact, Ilana offered her services in helping the elves destroy Cromlin.  Tuga looked at her as if she was crazy as completely destroying the village would likely result in drawing the full force of the military power of both the Shadow King and House Shom, virtually ensuring the complete destruction of the elf tribe.

At the completion of conversation Tuga Dai left to confer with his psionicist.  Upon returning, he explained that the psionicist had learned that the adventurers were to rescue the druid, return him to the oasis, and then hire on to a merchant caravan heading to Nibenay.  Tuga explained that 50 Jura Dai elves had been taken as slaves offered the following deal:  He would release the druid into their custody, they would return to Cromlin and say they rescued the druid from the elves, and they would then hire on to the caravan and travel to Nibenay.  Then adventurers would then have six months to rescue half of the enslaved elves.  Doing so would earn them the eternal friendship of the Jura Dai elves, failing to do so would result in enmity and painful death.  The adventurers accepted.

Meanwhile, while all of this was going on, a Jura Dai hunting party was returning from a rather poor hunt.  The demoralized party soon ran into the retreating Alexa and Dimebag, at which point, seeing intruders in Jura Dia territory, they attacked.  Many elven kneecaps and torsos were axed that day.

Subsequently, Ilana and the others met up with Alexa, Dimebag, and a pile of dead elves.  Uk’Chataa then proceeded to “prepare” the meat, and Dimebag (whose battle axe had broken in the fight) crafted a shiny new bone dagger.  From there the entire party plus T’klick’chik the druid had an uneventuful trip to the oasis, where the adventurers guarded the druid as he cast many neuralize poison spells to remove the methelinoc from the water.  After completing the task, T’klick’chik pulled the adventurers aside and told them that the caravan they would soon be guarding would spend an intire day and night watering the mekillots at the oasis.  He hoped they would agree to a nature spirit reading on that evening as the spirits apparently had a lot to say.  The adventurers agreed; even Ilana who normally doesn’t take no guff from no punk ass nature spirits.

Upon returning to Cromlin the adventurers accepted their reward, and then spent the evening drinking (Alexa), sleeping with and then robbing some drunk dude (Ilana), and having a pimped out leather jacket with bone embroidery made (Dimebag).

The next morning the adventurers reported for duty with the caravan master, Capt. Gen’erik.  During the day patrol the elves were run around the caravan’s perimeter at a moderate distance, while the shorties (Alexa and Dimebag) were to take the far perimeter while riding on crodlu.  The bugs would stay in the wagon during the day and patrol the perimeter at night.

The first day’s trip back to the oasis was uneventful, as was the day spent guarding the caravan as the mekillots watered.  That evening, T’klick’chik gathered the adventurers around to hear what the spirits had to say.

First, Dimebag was told that to fulfill his focus, he must “find the tower of light that protected men when the silt was blue.”

Ilana was informed that, “the mad spirit of the stream wishes to speak with you.”  A likely reference to the possessed elf-hating water source at the clan reservation.  Ilana told the druid to inform the stream that, “she will come see him when she is damn good and ready.”

Pane-Pan, to his surprise, was told that “the spirit of Far-Misc is waiting for you at the Temple of the Sky Serpent.”

From there, the druid turned to Alexa and noted that, while the spirits see great promise in her, she should stop trying to surpass the greatest half-giant barbarian and instead focus her sights on surpassing the greatest halfling barbarian; namely, Nok Thal, the halfling barbarian warlord that raised such a mighty army Hamanu himself was forced to finally enter the fight to stop the uprising.  To start her journey, Alexa was advised to first seek Nok’s tomb.

This led the druid to turn to Coraanu and informed him that, “the spirits note that you have magical potential within you.  However, they would see you properly trained so that you do not turn to the vile depravity that is defiling magic.”  Coraanu was directed to seek out one of the spirit’s greatest champions, a man known only as, “The Mountain.”  [DM’s note:  “The Mountain” was a former player’s 4e Warden character from approximately 2009]  Coraanu was informed that The Mountain had returned to his guarded land in Cresent Forest north-west of Nibenay.  He was also informed that The Mountain’s guarded lands included Nok’s Tomb.

Finally, the druid addressed Uk’Chataa-Hookeri, letting him know that, “Mutami is with the one who silenced the Stealers of Songs.”  Had Coraanu’s player been in attendance that night I’m sure this would have led to much emotional roleplaying and stuff.

As the reading came to an end, the adventurers returned to the caravan duties.  The next morning, about two hours after leaving the oasis, Alexa, holding on for dear life to her crodlu mount, saw in the distance raiders heading straight for the caravan.  Expertly swinging the mount around, she arrived in time to warn the caravan and set up defenses.  

While the raiders put up somewhat of a fight, for the most part they were slaughtered by the adventurers and crossbow wielding caravan staff.  As the last raider sought to flee, Alexa mercifully lowered her blood axes; however, the captain yelled to Dimebag that the raiders were likely from the “Silt Saviors” slave tribe, and that if they captured the former slave turned raider they could torture him for the location of the Silt Savior’s slave tribe and sell the information to slavers.  Being a dwarf of low to no moral character, Dimebag set off on his crodlu to capture the raider.

Expertly piloting the animal, Dimebag was able to wrangle in the raider; however, realizing that he was about to put all of his friends and family in jeopardy, the slave-turned-raider bit his tongue off.  Dimebag attempted to save the raider’s life (so that he could be tortured later), but the raider soon bled to death.

The remainder of the trip to Nibenay was uneventful, and, per their word, the caravan master bribed the templar gate guards to ensure that the adventurers would not be searched.  What new adventures await them in the city-state of the Shadow King?  


You can find us at the actual 9 Deuce website where we have the archives as well as other content such as horror movie reviews, wrestling blogs, podcasts, and some other material.  We’re on Facebook, on Twitter @official9deuce, or Tumblr @ superkent92 or Instagram at Official9Deuce .  Share this, like this, write us an email with a question or a comment at kent@9deuce.com.  Hell, you can subscribe via RSS.  Facebook and the website are probably the best bets.  Thank you.

Tomb of Annihilation (TFTPB) – Chapter One

Welcome back friends, this is Kent.  What a big surprise last week, right?  That kinda came out of nowhere.  New beginnings are good and I’m very excited.  So far I have seen a Dudehammer and Poxmark Poe which makes me want to watch Con Air, so I think we are on the right track.  As I’m not involved, I am strictly an outside observer, I will say that I straight up don’t trust Xilix.  Never trust a name that has two non-consecutive X’s in it.  These are rules to live by.  In honor of Poe, I bring you one of my favorite under the radar songs of the 90’s….by Poe.

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Tomb of Annihilation

Chapter 1 – Death Curses and Dinosaurs

 

As is tradition, four low level adventurers with no prior association, Hertz Cunningham, cleric of Talos, Young Tempest, pirate monk, Xilix Andethia, amnesiac wizard, and Ethelwynn Devir of Mantol-Derith, sorceress of pie, all arrived at the mansion’s gates at the exact same time.  The four had been directed by their various patrons to meet with former adventurer Syndra Sylvane at her palatial estate.  After engaging in forced and awkward pleasantries and introductions, the four entered the compound.

Knocking on the door to Syndra’s mansion, they noticed that the estate, while nice, was very quiet.  The door was soon opened by Syndra’s man-servant Claud, who ushered the group into the dinning room.  Sitting at the head of the table was someone who appeared to be dressed in Harry Potter Death Eater Cosplay, basically just a robe and metal mask.  It was most unnerving.

The creepy figure, who introduced herself (himself? itself?) as Syndra, invited the group to sit and eat lunch while they discussed business.  Claud was apparently a very good cook and the group happily ate their free meal, with Ethel eating triple portions of everything.

Syndra explained that she was dressed in such a creepy manner because she was recently afflicted with the “Death Curse,” a malady that appears to have been spreading across the globe.  In explaining how the curse worked, Syndra noted that during her days as an adventurer she had been slain and clerical magic was used to resurrect her good as new.  Unfortunately, the death curse, which appears to have first manifested within the past few weeks, specifically targets individuals who previously died and were resurrected through magical means.

The bodies of those who were previously revived through magical means, and were now subject to the death curse, were now beginning to necrotize and fall apart until the individual was no more.  Basically, Syndra had super‑leprosy.  Upon hearing this Hertz, Tempest, and Xilix lost their appetites, while Ethel cleaned their plates for them.

Syndra explained that she did not have much time left, and she gathered the adventurers together in the hopes that they could discover the source of, and destroy, the death curse.  Why she entrusted a group of low-level adventurers who had never worked together with this task was not explained.  She conveyed her belief that the cause of the curse was a magical artifact known as the “Soulmonger,” and that said artifact was likely hidden somewhere in the land of Chult.  Obviously hesitant to undertake such a dangerous mission, the group quickly changed their positions on the matter when Syndra offered them each a magical item from her vast treasure hoard should they succeed in breaking the curse and saving her life.

With the greedy adventurers prepared to risk their lives for profit, Syndra and Claud prepared a teleportation spell which sent the six of them to Port Ninzaro, one of the few bastions of civilization in Chult.  After the teleportation dizziness wore off, and Ethel finished puking up lunch, the group found themselves in a vibrant port city that was totally not just fantasy Brazil (spoiler: it’s totally just fantasy Brazil, please put that mental image in your head so I don’t need to spend time describing the the city’s details).

Before the group could even begin to consider how to proceed, Xilix saw some awesome flowers that he had not previously studied (or that were studied prior to his being an amnesiac).  As Syndra was explaining to the group that she would be staying at a nearby tavern and that she looked forward to receiving regular reports of their progress, Xilix paid her no mind and went over to the flower bush, cutting one off for study.  It was at this point that Xilix realized that there was an angry shopkeeper standing over him, holding the club he had named “Shoplifter’s Demise.”  Xilix quickly apologized and paid the shopkeeper 1 gold for the flower, about 10 times its actual value.

As the four conversed with the now much more affable shopkeeper, the camera panned over to a tiefling (basically half-human, half-demon) warrior who had been intently watching the motley crew ever since they teleported onto the docks.  The voiceover explained that this man’s identification code was “Compassion,” and that he was wandering knight in training.  A montage then played of Compassion’s previous training exploits, including saving puppies from being eaten by wolves, saving puppies from a burning building, saving puppies from an evil wizard, and killing puppies that had been possessed by a legion of demons intent on using demon dogs to assault the heavenly stronghold of the god of cats.  Basically, Compassion’s trainers had decided that his training had become a bit too puppy focused, and they decided to send him to Chult where it was exceptionally unlikely that his adventures would involve puppies, or even full‑grown dogs.

The voiceover also explained that Compassion was looking for the gold half-dragon quartermaster Zindar.  By some stroke of coincidence, both Hertz and Ethel had been told that if they ever found themselves in Port Ninzaro they too should look up Zindar.  As such, we he saw that the shopkeeper had directed the crew to Zindar’s location, Compassion shadowed their movements in the port.

Upon seeing the motley group approach Zindar, Compassion came out of the shadows to join their conversation.  The group did not find this strange at all and acted as if Compassion had been with them all along.  While not in anyway helpful in sharing information about the death curse, Zindar was able to inform the group about individuals looking to hire adventurers for work, specifically, Pockmark Poe and Alister Boll.  Zindar informed them that Poe was in a rundown hut in the “old city.”

While on their way to the old city Compassion, now a full-fledged and accredited member of the party, because reasons, asked if they could stop off at an armorer’s stand so he could purchase some splint mail.  Unfortunately, the party was quick to learn that all metal armor in Port Ninzaro had a 300 percent markup because GOD FORBID ANYONE NOT PLAY A DEX-BASED CHARACTER.  Instead, the only thing they got of use from the armorer was knowledge about the political structure of the city, namely, that Port Ninzaro is basically run by a handful powerful merchant princes (and princesses).  His merchant princess boss, Aquenieffa, might be able to offer the group a discount if they spoke with her.

Unable to purchase reasonably priced armor, the group continued to old town and easily found Poe’s hut.  Entering the run-down and rather creepy hut, they soon found that Pockmark Poe truly lived up to his name.  They also found that he must be rich, as he was attended by a number of scantily clad average to slightly above average looking women (and one man) fanning him and feeding him grapes.  The group explained that they were looking for work and Poe immediately sprung up.  He began to tell the group that he wanted them to enter a dinosaur racing competition . . . at which point everyone enthusiastically accepted.  When asked if they wanted to hear more or if they wanted to know what they would be paid, Hertz replied, “fine, whatever, just hurry up, we have dinosaurs to race.”  Poe explained that he had paid their entrance fees and gave them their competition tickets.  He then told them that the purse would be gold and a trinket known as the oracle eye.  The group was to win the race and bring him the eye, the winnings would be theirs to keep.

With a few hours prior to the race, the group decided to head to the House of Repose where Tempest had been directed by his faction, the Harpers, to meet with a contact.  Upon arriving at the tavern Hertz pulled out his lute, got on the empty stage without asking, and began to play his latest hymn to Talos, “The Storm in Our Hearts.”  Hertz was convinced he had at least 20 new converts by song’s end.

Meanwhile, Xilix, realizing he knew nothing about riding, much less racing, dinosaurs, decided to “make friends” with a group of patrons dressed in green who appeared that they might know a thing or two about dino-racing.  Unfortunately, Xilix lacks certain social traits such as “personality” and “not being an annoying elf,” and quickly put himself in a position where he was about to get his butt kicked.  Luckily, Compassion was nearby and quickly ushered Xilix the hell out of the tavern.

As Hertz was entertaining and Xilix was offending, Tempest was meeting with his contact, Sagi, master of the Body Beast Drinking Style of unarmed combat.  While Sagi was very entertaining, he was also very unintelligible.  By the end of the conversation, Tempest was pretty sure she learned that 1) the oracle eye was a smaller piece of the broken up Amulet of Dreamers; and 2) fellow Harper Urissa wants the eye.  For the time, Tempest decided to keep this info to herself considering they had already been hired to deliver the eye to Pockmark Poe, and only an idiot would betray an obviously rich and somewhat-powerful underworld boss.

Nearing race time, the inexperienced and completely unprepared dino-racers headed for check in.  Upon being assigned their individual racing velociraptors, the group headed to the starting line where, surprise, surprise, the green dressed men from the House of Repose where their competition.  Each racer was then provided with a staff that could be used to beat the other competitors.

As the starting bell was about to ring, Ethel turned to one of the opposing racers and said something so insulting and utterly emasculating that the opponent immediately withdrew from the race in shame (his body was found later that evening after hanging himself from the tree outside his children’s’ bedroom window).

Knowing himself to be an average rider at best, Hertz decided to play a support role.  He started his helping by using his quarterstaff to slap Tempest’s dino on the rear end in the hopes that it would go “super extra fast.”  To his surprise, it worked, and Tempest’s dino ran out far ahead of the competition.  Unfortunately, as Tempest was a former pirate with no real land-based mount riding skills, she was unable to control the beast, which decided to run off in the wrong direction, negating any benefit from the increase in speed.  Xilix tried to use his “medicinal herbs” to inspire his mount to go faster , however, the herbs only served to nauseate the beast and cause vertigo, resulting in the dinosaur running into the stands and injuring five bystanders.

After a good 30 seconds of trying to regain control of her mount, Tempest was ready to race for the finish line, that was, until, one of the opponents came flying by and knocked her off of the mount with his staff.  Upset that a man would dare lay his hand on a fellow female party member, Ethyl attempted to cast a spell to hinder the green rider’s dino.  Unfortunately, the spell backfired, resulting Ethyl being teleported off of her dino and onto the opponent’s dinosaur.  In the resulting confusion, a massive 5 dino-pileup occurred, taking out the majority of the competition.

It was at this time that Hertz noticed that Compassion had been ignoring any of the fun parts of the race and was instead racing straight for the finish line.  Never one to miss an opportunity to exalt in the glory of Talos, Hertz pulled out his lute and began singing about how Compassion was inspired by the divine righteousness of Talos to embrace the power of the storm and to gust through to the finish like the wind.  New converts by end of race – at least 16!

As Compassion crossed the finish line he dismounted and waived to the crowd.  He then walked forward, ready to except the prize money and the Oracle Eye.  Unfortunately, it was at this point that Compassion learned that he had only won round one.  In the next round, he, and any friends he so chose, would enter the gladiatorial area and face its champion, Bro Dudehammer, and his pet dinosaurs, Snuggles and Baron Von StudDino, in hand to claw to tooth competition.

Upon finding out that winning the Eye would take more than winning the dino race, Tempest came up with a plan.  It was then that he informed the group that he wanted the eye to give to his friend Urissa, who would pay them money for it.  Hertz was particularly against this as they already had a contract, and betraying a man named Poxmark Poe would likely result in future assassination attempts and not getting invited to all the best parties in Chult.  After five minutes of debate that went nowhere, the group agreed that whoever got the knockout blow on Dudehammer would get to decide what to do with the Oracle Eye.

As the group entered the area and set up a tight-knit formation, they were explicitly told not to kill Bro Dudehammer or his pets; nonlethal damage only please.  As the war horn sounded, Ethyl responded to this directive by casting a firebolt spell directly at Baron Von StudDino’s face.  The resulting explosion burned off at least half of the dinosaur’s face, with the good Baron falling to the ground, apparently dead.

Enraged at the harm done to his brother, Snuggles ran past the front line and bit deeply into Ethyl’s side, chomping off at least five years’ worth of fat accumulation in one bite.  Ethyl fell to the ground and it was obvious she was bleeding to death.  Seeing an ally in trouble, Hertz went over and prayed to Talos to stop Ethyl’s bleeding, stabilizing her condition.  Xilix, thinking he was next on Snuggles’ dinner place, also shot a firebolt off at the dino, resulting in yet another charred and possibly dying dinosaur.

Meanwhile, aggrieved at the possible loss of one of his best friends, Dudehammer knelt down next to Baron to see if he was alive.  By the grace of the gods he was!  Baron was going to be ok!  Seeing the joy in Dudehammer’s eyes, along with the fact he was distracted tending to his dino, Tempest also broke ranks, ran to Dudehammer, and began kicking him in the head repeatedly like Dudehammer owed Tempest money.  Soon after the referee had to call the match in favor of the adventurers.

Compassion simply stood in the middle of the ring shaking his head in disbelief at the group’s utter lack of strategy and cohesion.  Meanwhile, boos loud enough to be heard all throughout Chult rained down on the group, expressing their displeasure with the group’s lack of sportsmanship or adherence to the code of the gladiator.

The group strode out of the arena as the boos continued to ring in their ears.

Had they truly won the competition, would they finally get the Oracle Eye, and would Tempest really be fool enough to betray Poxmark Poe?  Find out in Chapter Two of the Plunderbund’s new campaign, Tomb of Annihilation!


You can find us at the actual 9 Deuce website where we have the archives as well as other content such as horror movie reviews, wrestling blogs, podcasts, and some other material.  We’re on Facebook, on Twitter @official9deuce, or Tumblr @ superkent92 or Instagram at Official9Deuce .  Share this, like this, write us an email with a question or a comment at kent@9deuce.com.  Hell, you can subscribe via RSS.  Facebook and the website are probably the best bets.  Thank you.

#357 Bloody April Fools (2013)

This is also know as Los inocentes according to IMDB. It’s an hour and 5 minutes. Let’s face it, it’s on here because it’s a quick movie that may or may not pay off.

Woah, this dude sleep with a stuffed animal of ALF! Sold. Like seriously, that’s how little you have to do to win my attention. He seems like a nerdy kid who gets tricked into thinking that some chick wanted to meet him in the boiler room.  Well, the asshole guys lock him in and then the girls are all taking hot showers. We get to see boobs. This guy is going to get got. He’s going to end up looking like Freddy Krueger, the poor bastard. All just because he was hoping that somebody liked him? Fucking people. Kill for better reasons! That was in 1998, and now it’s 15 years later. 98 was a decent year. I partied a lot that year, got zero bitches, gained some wait. Yep, decent year.

first-death

So basically we get 9 idiot teens or college kids and they are going back to the scene of the crime type story. This could be good fun, so off to the Hostel. Not THAT Hostel….or is it? I mean I am about 7 minutes in and I can sum this up right now. The guy who wants to get the chick survives along with the chick and he probably saves her, and hell, I’ll say that he dies saving her. They are forewarned by an officer and a gas station lady not to go to the Hostel as it’s abandoned and dangerous. Oh, Ines says that she won’t go, she is taking a bus home. Smart.

So far a Spiderman and a Bruce Wayne reference. Maybe Ines is absolutely fucked. I feel bad for her as she made the smart move.  A dude offers her a ride into town, but it’s night and she refused. Smart. Chino is a prankster, so he is definitely not surviving, but an early favorite of mine. Ines has had her suitcase stolen, and somebody  put a poisonous snake in her suitcase and she got bit. Man, that’s fucked up. She lays on the road and the bus she was waiting for, runs her over. Damned, I liked her, but she broke one of the cardinal rules, don’t break away from the group unless it’s to get laid. I know what you’re thinking: “But Kent, don’t couples who have sex always get killed early on?” Why yes, yes they do, but your odds of survival aren’t good anyway, so if you gotta die, you may as well be getting a piece of ass while dying.

Eva is cute. She will survive, and Alex is too naive. Some dude is getting his fuck on, so let’s prove Kent’s theory! Hello titties. Just like clockwork. I swear, sometimes I make this look easy. Ohh, bloody tits. I like that this movie isn’t pulling any punches and just getting straight to the point. OK, watching Sandra pleasure herself by rubbing her brain, fantastic. Our final four are Alex, Eva, Christian, and Lara. Now for the chaos filled ending. Lara has a wonderful rack, just saying. WOAH, she took her shirt off 3 minutes later, and my god, I was soooo right.  Her and Christian are in a room with gas being pumped in, but back to those fantastic boobs. Just a treat. Good for her and whoever she is banging currently. They are using a nice version of The Hall of the Mountain King. They are just laughing from the gas, Lara has lost her foot, but she has won my heart.

So, we are down to Alex and Eva, and this movie has played out perfectly. They are in the boiler room, he has a striped shirt on, and she has taken off her pants. Fantastic. She saves him in the end, because like John Cena, she never gives up. Hustle. Loyalty. Respect. A car comes by to check on them, the same car I believe. She wants to get in the car with this dude, and that seems legit, I’d do it. Somebody threw out some spikes and punctured his tire.  But this dude also has Ines’ bag. Alex finds a gun, and pulls it on the dude, who pulls out a rifle.   The guy tells Alex to put the gun down, and gives him to the count of 3, but the gun is glued to Alex’s hand, so he just shoots the old dude. Now rape your chick dude……or get shot by the old guy because you never finished your kill. Fucking dumbass. Wait, there’s still 15 minutes, so this should end like every other horror movie like this. Hopefully she runs in the woods, trips, has a fight, and then somehow overcomes adversity. He ass in those panties….lawdy. Whoever cast this deserves a raise. Have your final chick in a tanktop and panties and make sure that she fills both out in all of the proper ways. Awesome.

The gas station lady shows up, so she’s probably the original guy’s mom. Uhmmm, yeah, that seems to be the case. This plays out in a fun way. I think you’ll enjoy it.

Rating – 6.2 Perfectly entertaining slasher type of film that wastes zero time and goes right for it. It’s on NetFlix so go watch it.

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#305 Final Destination 5 (2011)

As of right now, this is the last of the franchise. Give it time and there will be a 6th or a reboot because Hollywood is just the worst currently. It makes me sad. I hope this is an improvement over the last 1 or 2 of the films. Fingers crossed. This brings Tony Todd back into the fold. I see Emma Bell’s name on here, and she was in the horror film “Frozen” and was Andrea’s sister in the first season of the Walking Dead. Then to round things out, David Koechner is here as well, and I love that dude. Good start!

final-destination-5

Start Film

We start off with Sam, who is lousy at his job in sales. His chick is named Molly, and she cancelled a trip for them, and she is breaking up with him. Peter is Sam’s boss, and Candice is his chick. She’s cute. Who is this hooker?Olivia is her name, and her dude says that she has a Lisa Loeb look to her, and yeah, she is a treat. Isaac is a dude who has been friend zoned by Molly. Peter suggests that Sam just apologize, for what, he don’t know. Koechner is the boss, Dennis. Dennis doesn’t know Sam’s name, or he just likes to fuck with him. Either way, I like it. Nathan is another guy that is joining this crew, but he was dealing with this asshole union rep, Roy. As Sam goes to get on the bus, he notices the “Watch Your Step” sign, and now they are heading to bridge construction. Awesome. We find out that Candice is superstitious. A logging truck passes the bus. They finally make it to the bus, and Sam is all observant. When do we get to the “it was all just a dream” part? I assume it’s about here that the premonition starts. He gets a cut on his thumb, and “Dust In the Wind” plays on the radio, and not John Denver. The bridge is a rockin.  The cement is cracking all over. A car just fell in. Bye Candice as she’s impaled on a sailboat. Isaac is at the back of the bus and it’s tipping and it’s falling, see ya Isaac.  Olivia has fallen, and lost her glasses. There’s only a beam to walk across now over about 20 feet. Molly makes it and Sam helps Olivia get on the beam. She is reaching out to Molly, but the beam tilts, and then she falls, and a car lands on her. Nathan just got got by a cable. There’s Sam, Dennis and Molly I believe, Dennis is hanging off the edge and some hot tar just covered him, so bye Dennis. Peter is still alive, and he makes the jump with Sam, but are hanging on some railing perilously. Some rebar just came down and impaled the hell out of Peter. Sam then gets sliced in half. And he wakes up and cuts his thumb again. Dust in the Wind again, and so he panics and says that everybody needs to get off the bus, and Dennis says to relax. Molly and Nathan follow. Dennis insists that Peter get them back due to liability, and Candice follows Peter. Olivia, Isaac, and Dennis all get off as well and the concrete is cracking, as was predicted. He saved everyone, and of course the old “How did you know?”

Agent Block is questioning Sam about this. Then he questions others about Sam. Forensics came back blaming the bridge collapse on high winds. 17 other Presage employees apparently died on the bridge. They all show up at the memorial service. Everybody is asking Sam how it happened. Dennis is giving a eulogy and included Isaac’s name, haha. Dennis is great. As they go to leave, Bludworth is there and tells Sam and Peter that Death doesn’t like being cheated. Tony Todd is a national treasure damnit! Sam is working at a restaurant, he cooks. Sam visits Molly, and invites himself in basically. The tea kettle goes off, lights are flickering, and Sam sees an old pic of him and her. They talk about how Sam is supposed to go to Paris for a job, but she doesn’t want to go and encourages him to chase his dream. Peter visits Candice at some gymnastics practice for college. The music is ominous.  The AC is not working well and one of the uneven bars is awfully loose. Fans are getting plugged in. Candice we know is the first to die. Water is starting to drop from the AC that is just starting to work, and one of the fan cages is coming loose. Candice  is on the balance beam, and there is a screw on the beam, but she kept missing it. The water is landing on the cord and looks like a spark, but she drops a towel unknowingly on it. Candice is now on the ad uneven bar. The bolt is almost out of the bar. This one girl is on the beam with the screw, she falls, knocks over the powder into the fan, blinds Candice and she lands and just snaps in half. That was gruesome.

Sam checks in on Peter. Isaac will be next. Sam sees Bludworth in the distance in the gym, but then he’s gone. Sam and Molly are at work, and Olivia says that she’s surprised more gymnasts don’t die like that. Dennis is dealing with extra responsibilities, and Isaac is at Debbie’s desk and then Robert’s and he’s going through everybody’s shit, stealing whatever, and he cuts his finger. Nathan comes up, and he has beer, Peter has a bottle of booze, and Isaac has left to spend the gift certificate at the spa. There is some gorgeous Asian lady at the front desk. Isaac is such a dorky dude who tries to be a creepy player. He wants an erotic massage, but then backpedals, and wants it to be happy. This guy is awesome. She gets him laid down and prepped so he can be serviced. And of course it ends up being the experienced old lady who can’t speak English. Hahaha. She is trying to align his back in a painful manner, and the table may not hold up. Olivia gets a call, and she breaks a picture frame where the glass shatter over her face. Peter is all pissy about Candice’s death, and Dennis calls Agent Block. Dennis wants to have code names, ha. Block is at the gym/crime scene. Isaac is still getting worked over. Time for acupuncture. Oh good lord, so many pins in him. His phone is vibrating, so she sets it on a desk by a candle and she tells him to sleep for 30 minutes. She turns the light down and all the candles are blowing weird, and now there’s a fire started in there. He rolls off the table, lands on all of those needles, and alcohol has leaked. He is just wrecked. So many bent pins in his flesh. His phone vibrates the candle and it sets the alcohol on fire, but it doesn’t reach him, but the Buddha statue falls on his head and he dead. Olivia is next.

At the spa, Sam, Molly, Peter and Nathan show up, and there’s Bludworth and Sam asks him why he is there, and Bludworth plays coy. He explains that he has seen this before, and then the lucky few who survive, they get taken out one by one. He explains that they shortened death. He explains that a life has to be lost basically to fix this. Sam says that Molly is safe, as she didn’t die in the vision. Peter is just being a dick. Peter wants to kill people to replace him on Death’s list. Nathan ain’t having it. Olivia is at a laser eye surgery place. She is very nervous and shaky. He secures her head in a vice of sort. He numbs her eye and then attaches the thing that keeps the eye lids open. She is squeezing the hell out of the teddy bear and pops his eye off. He needs more paperwork so he leaves her. There was a cup on the water dispenser, it falls on the electrical outlet nearby and causes the laser control to start heating up and it takes out one eye. She is stuck in the vice, burns her hand all to hell, and she gets up. Sam, Molly and the doctor hear screams and she slips on the bear’s eye, falls out the window, lands on the hood of a car, and dies, and her eyeball fell out for good measure. Nathan is next.

Agent Block is questioning Sam and Molly, and Sam tells him about their theory. Sam is starting to piece together the order of deaths, finally. Nathan is at work watching all the men in the warehouse, and he needs to talk to Roy. Nathan sees a hook about to fall and is trying to save Roy, but he gets the hook through his head, and he dead.  Dennis tells Peter that they are getting shut down, and Peter mentions Isaac and Dennis thought that Isaac was already dead. Haha. Dennis calls Agent Block, saying that Pete sounded kind of threatening. Pete accuses Nathan of killing Roy to avoid Death. Nathan admits that he may have. Dennis would be next. Dennis comes down to see what the hell happened and he got a huge wrench flung into his head and he’s dead. So we have Peter then Sam per the premonition. Sam goes to work in the kitchen of the restaurant.

Sam is a little spooked by all the sharp objects blades and whatnot. He approaches his head chef about the Paris apprenticeship, and it’s his for the taking.  Sam makes Molly something.  Damn, Molly looking good here with the red lipstick. The restaurant is closed, and Peter shows up looking shook up. I trust him.  Oh, the candles just danced a bit. Pete is questioning whether he could kill a stranger to save his own life, and so he went for a walk last night. He had numerous opportunities. But he didn’t do it, he couldn’t kill somebody who didn’t deserve to die. Then he thought about all these other people that didn’t deserve to.  But if nobody deserves to die, then why does Molly deserve to live, and he pulls out a gun and Sam buys her time. Agent Block is there on the scene. Pete fires towards Sam, but he’s really after Molly. Sam almost has a knife fall on him. Pete turns on all the stoves and the deep fryer stuff. Block finds Molly, asks what’s happening, and Peter shoots Block. Peter says that it’s now after Sam’s life. Pete can’t just leave after she witnessed the murder. Sam is up and now we have the big brawl. I doubt that Block is dead. These 2 wrestle, and a gun is on the stove. So that’s something. Pete gets the upper hand, so Molly intervenes as well. And Sam impales Peter from behind. Yeah, that didn’t sound inappropriate.  The gun goes off, but Sam and Molly are fine, and they hug.

Two Weeks Later

Sam and Molly are on a plane.  Hahaha, YES, they did it. Sam sees the fight between Alex and Carter from the original, because they were going to Paris too. So they are on Flight 180. Sam puts on some headphones, and hears “Dust In The Wind” and he cuts his thumb. We watch as the plan starts to break down and go into complete shit storm. Molly is being pulled out and Sam hangs out as long as possible, but she is sliced in half, and he gets burned up. Nathan is at a bar, and a coworker explains that Roy had a brain that was hemorrhaging and was going to kill Roy any day. Then the bar’s ceiling gives out and crushes Nathan.

End Film – I love the credits showing all of the franchise’s deaths. The final shot was of Bludworth.

Final Thoughts – This one was really good. This one really surprised me. I like it a lot. The kills were fine, nothing pissed me off. The only throwaway death happened to Dennis, but that was perfect for his character. Some were gruesome like Candice, and others were just well executed like Isaac and Olivia’s. The absolute best part was that they kept saying Paris, and for me, it wasn’t just the Paris thing that gave me hope that this would come full circle. It was more to do with how they never directly talked about any of the past people specifically, which is always a Final Destination trademark. From the moment that Molly agreed to go to Paris, I would have bet anything that this was going to happen, and yet, I’m such a pessimist, I still don’t buy into my logic, so I was still pleasantly surprised to be correct. I have to say, I didn’t like Molly’s character. I know Emma is a very capable actress, so I think it was more the character needed something else to help stand out and make her more 3 dimensional. This one also had plenty of solid one liners. The first one had them, but they got less and less funny as the franchise grew. This brought it back. Maybe it’s a case of severely lowered expectations, but I found this comparable, and in some ways, better, than part 2. Also, the whole bridge thing was my favorite premonition since part 2, and bridges just freak me out a bit, especially after seeing Mothman Prophecies.

Final Score – 6.5 because it did plenty of things very well for a horror flick. Yes, I think this is better than part 2.

All pictures used in this blog are for review purpose. They are the property of New Line Cinema, Parallel Zide, Practical Pictures, Jellystone Films, and whoever else may have been involved. I recommend that you support them with a purchase.

#304 The Final Destination (2009)

So far, the franchise is following the horror movie franchise curve, meaning that every movie progressively gets slightly worse. This franchise though, is showing me that it is not to be taken lightly. This is the fourth installment of the franchise, and I think it was a mistake to not include the number, but Fast and the Furious did the same thing oddly enough.

Start Film

We start off at a race track, with a song that I feel is supposed to pump me up, and I may actually enjoy it, in a weird way. Is the premonition going to be that somebody takes a right turn? We have 4 friends, as is usual. One is Nick, and he noticed the bench crack when he sat down. Haha, a mom is putting tampons in her kids ears to cut out the sound. Nick is noticing a crack in the concrete. He’s due for his premonition. Hello chick in bikini top. There is an oil slick of sorts. The fence is starting to get loosened by death.  There’s a flyer that comes to Nick that says in memory of beloved drivers, and then he saw a shirt about death. One car pulled away prematurely with a tool in it and it just came loose, and popped a car’s tire, and we have it flipping and a tire came and decapitated a bitch. Flaming car in the stands now. The benches are clearing, and the one is broke. 2 people got sliced in half, and a chick got an engine land on her, while a dude gets impaled by the wooden shard sticking out. Concrete is now falling, and it’s total panic. Nick’s 2 friends got crushed by the concrete, now more people are getting crushed, then the security guy and Nick’s chick are crushed, and Nick gets killed. There’s the premonition. Let me pause for just a moment. This was one of those 3D horror flicks, and I hate 3D horror when it is so glaringly bad to watch in non 3D. Like it really takes away the “realness” of the horror flick about death killing people.  Well, if you’ve seen one, you know what happens next. So the question is who survives. OK, Nick escapes with his friends, a racist and a mechanic are chasing them. The security guard gets involved. Yup, there’s the crash. Both rednecks have now lost their women.

They end up at a coffee shop called “Death by Caffeine”. Lori is Nick’s chick, and then Hunt is the obnoxious dude, and his chick is Janet.  They decide to go to the memorial, and the tampon mom thanks Nick. George is the name of the security guard. The racist redneck is only credited as Racist, and he’s such a douche to George. Nick has some premonition with a door like in Nightmare on Elm Street, and chains and a hook, and Lori’s picture just got stabbed. Racist is outside of George’s house it appears. He’s pissed because George wouldn’t let him back in to try to rescue his woman.  It appears that racist has a wooden cross and a shovel and is going to be a total douchebag. Death is pissed off in his truck though, and starts playing “Why Can’t We Be Friends” which I love. The truck is moving. He tries to stop it, but he gets hooked and dragged on the street, and the hook causes sparks, and sets redneck on fire. He dead.

Hey, Lori has a sweet ass in these small green shorts. On the news, Nicks sees the red door, which is George’s. He now sees a premonition of a pair of scissors. Next up are the 2 boys who had tampon mom. The mom gives the boys money to play video games so she wants to get her hair done.  So that’s where the scissors will play in probably. She is getting her hair and toenails done. So there’s some liquid spillage on the floor, the ceiling lamp is coming loose, shit is moving a lot, the chair lever looks like it wants to do something, like lower. The hairspray can is moving and heating up. Hey, the boys returned, slipped on the floor, and the can explodes, the fan falls to the floor, and nobody dies. The lawnmower outside hits a rock and sent int flying into MILF’s head and kills her. Nick and Hunt are looking at the news, and there are some good reference to to previous installments.

Nick and friends are now having the talk, and they looked up stuff like Flight 180, and how everybody dies in the precise order that they were meant to die. BUT there might be a way to intervene and end it. Janet is getting all worked up and emotional. Hunt wants to go get laid and says “I’m dying, I’m tryin'”. Good for him! Nick just had another premonition. Will you PLEASE stop with the 3D nonsense. Nick and Lori go back to the race car track to try to remember who is next. George shows up and tells them that they are trespassing, but he is going to show Nick the security cam footage, and it’s the mechanic who is seemingly next, then Hunt and Janet, then George, then Lori, then Nick. Time to find the mechanic. They find him at his job and tell him that he’s gonna die. Stuff is happening in the garage while our survivors are outside.  Some stuff fell, sparks, and a van is on the loose, and the comes at him, but is stopped by a cable. Mechanic is pumped about not dying, but then the other end of the cable caused a canister to fly at him and kill him by pushing him through the fence.  Yup.

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Hunt is with some blond with a great rack.  Nice booty too. He got laid. Janet gives a homeless man some change, and he is pissed about a penny, so he throws it, and causes birds to fly and shit on Janet’s windshield.  Nick is by a sign that says “Clear Rivers Water” and is now seeing a premonition about some water and a PSI gauge.  So many chicks in bikinis by Hunt. Nick tries calling Hunt but a kid in the pool squirted Hunt, got his phone. Now time to see how this plays out by the water. Technically, Janet and Hunt should die simultaneously. Coins keep going in the water too. George and Lori are tracking down Janet at the car wash. Her antennae gets ripped off, causing a spark, and the fuse box has shorted, and Janet is in the middle of the car wash. She’s stuck. She opens her moon roof and water starts pouring in from a pipe. A golf ball hits Hunt, and it causes him to loose another coin so he goes in after it, and is now getting sucked down by the pool suction at the bottom. Janet fits her head out of the roof, but is now pinched, and the car wash is moving again. She is close to getting worked over by the one spinning cleaner, but George rams her vehicle, and Lori pulls her out. Hunt is still stuck. Nick is there, and the motor for the pumped is starting to steam. And Hunt got sucked through and that was lame.

Now Lori and George tries figuring out what to do next. George is OK with it as he lost his family due to his drunk driving. George goes home with some wine, and he is just so unsure and nervous. Lori and Nick are trying to death-proof their place. Lori is pissed that George is so calm about this. A cup of coffee spills and leaves “Through action they were saved” dry in print. So they go to George’s and say that saving Janet broke the chain. They find George trying to hang himself, but they save him.  He can’t die, he’s puked up all the pills, tried killing himself via exhaust pipe. So they celebrate. People are too happy.

Time has elapsed, it’s day time. Lori wants Nick to go to a 3D movie. Janet showed up to hang with Lori at the coffee shop. Nick gets a premonition about water and snakes, and the TV comes on and the cowboy dude has survived the first incident, so Nick is hightailing it. Nick is trying to get George to meet him at the hospital to keep the cowboy alive. Above cowboy’s room, a tub is overflowing and cowboy can’t ring the nurse buzzer. Cowboy is trying to escape. Hahaha, great elevator conversation between George and Nick about death, with 4 other people in the room. The tub falls and squashes Cowboy. Lori is ignoring Nick’s calls and texts.

Lori and Janet are at a mall, and there is something overhead getting moved, it looks heavy. George and Nick are leaving the hospital and an ambulance just took out George in a very Terry like way, from the original. So we are down to Nick, Lori, and Janet. Some construction guys are building 6 new theater screens. Lori’s shoelace is stuck in the escalator. And it resulted in nothing. It got me hopeful of a scene similar to an 80’s movie called The Kiss. The girls have gotten their movie tickets, and Nick is trying to get there but has a premonition about the movie theater exploding, seriously. Why is everything a big explosion? Just asking. So yeah, flammable stuff are in the new theater rooms and they are close to the screen where Lori and Janet are. Lori thinks that she can see things like Nick does. Seems reasonable as Clear was able to, and others have been able to. OK, stuff is on fire, Janet don’t want to leave. Nick is looking in all the theaters as apparently this film is very popular. Lori is saying stuff isn’t right, just like at the track. Nick finally finds her, and Janet won’t leave. Annnd explosion and Janet gets spiked in the torso. These explosions are just silly. The escalator is torn apart, and Nick tries, but Lori gets pulled in and chewed up. Oh, that was a dream….because that’s how this goes.

Nick goes to the mall. Everything is playing out as expected, and nick pulls the fire alarm to no avail. He is not using a fire extinguisher, but it runs out of stuff. He tosses the extinguisher, which hits a table, with a nail gun, and a spark is flying, more fire, and the nail gun pins Nick’s arm to the wall. Flammable liquid is pouring out nearby as it creeps towards the flame.  Nick grabs a long flaming stick and puts in by the fire alarm.sprinkler system. The sprinklers come on just in time.

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2 Weeks Later

This is where we get at least one last second kill, as always. Nick helps out a construction worker and goes to the coffee shop. The 3 friends are all happy and smiling. The homeless dude comes in and talks to Nick and says that he saved a lot of lives. Nick is seeing stuff, a bunch of stuff from earlier, the pool, the movie poster, a race, and a carving on the table. Nick wonders what if they didn’t change anything, and then a big rig swerves into the cafe and kills them all.

End Film

This was fine if you got to see it in 3D and like that stuff. It may have even been good. The story was OK, but the worst so far. This was unfortunately a mediocre film from my perspective, without 3D. The acting was good. I feel that it was certainly missing Tony Todd’s voice. The premonitions were the worst, and it’s not even close, and it was because they tried something too different, and if you binge watched like I am, you’d probably be put off by them as well. The deaths probably the worst, the initial scenario was the worst. This is a bad Final Destination movie. With that being said, it’s not a bad movie, but comparatively to the previous 3, this was bad.  I liked George and Nick, especially in the elevator. I loved the car wash scene, and I liked how the mechanic died and even the racist. Didn’t care for how George or Hunt died. Then the ending. I didn’t like it, but it was an improvement to part 3 only because it was definitive, and that counts.

Final Rating – 5.1 because I know that if I binge watch again, I’m not going to just stop the film. But this is as low of a rating as I can give a re-watchable movie. With that being said, buy this in a collection, not on it own, unless you like 3D horror, then buy the blu ray.

All pictures used in this blog are for review purpose. They are the property of New Line Cinema, Parallel Zide, FlipZide Pictures, Practical Pictures, and whoever else may have been involved. I recommend that you support them with a purchase.

#303 Final Destination 3 (2006)

At this point, let’s face it, you know what to expect. People are going to cheat death, and death is going to be pissed and kill them anyway. Some characters from previous installments will be referenced. Don’t expect a very detailed blog here, but more the highlights.

Start Film

Mary Elizabeth Winstead is in this, so that’s cool. She starred in 10 Cloverfield Lane as Michelle, which was a decent film in my opinion, and she will be in the upcoming season of Fargo. Her character is named Wendy. Her and 3 friends are at an amusement park, and there are 2 skanks with their thongs hanging out, and they won an inflatable palm tree.  Wendy is getting pics for the yearbook I guess, and that will probably be her premonition vessel.  The speaking devil sounds like Tony Todd, and it is. No Bludworth in this apparently. I believe that Wendy’s boyfriend is named Jason, and he talks her into getting on this roller coaster, something like Devil’s Night or Devil’s ride. Frankie Cheeks is trying to be a smooth playa. Ohhh, they’re gonna board the ride at gate 6. How ominous. Jason is with his buddy’s chick and vice versa for the ride.  Jason and her are at the front of the ride while Wendy and Kevin are at the back. The Roller coaster has sprung a leak, for some fluid.  There are zero likable characters so far. No loose objects on the ride, but naturally Frankie has his video camera. On the ride, going upside down, he somehow drops the camera, and as it falls, it wraps around the track. The fluid lines are breaking. That fluid keep the restraints held down, so that’s fun.  The wheels are sparking.  Things are going well. SO of the carts just went flying off the track. A black dude is just hanging on, now grabs Kevin, but black guy just got got. And the cart stops while they are upside down, people are dropping. Time to try rocking the cart., going backward. Kevin got it, and Wendy finally falls and  wakes up, So she is freaking out and Wendy gets them to let her and Kevin off. Lewis is the black dude, and him and Kevin fight. Some people try breaking up the fight. Hot chicks and Frankie exit. Jason wants to be let off, but they won’t let him. You know how this plays out. And the ride goes to hell, and now all of our survivors need to slowly get picked off.

Yay, Wendy is like a social outcast. Kevin did his research on Alex and flight 180. Julie is Wendy’s bitch of a sister. Ashley and Ashlyn are the 2 chicks, and they are at a tanning salon, and they are going to be the first two victims. No drinks are allowed, they have a drink, now messing with the thermostat. Wendy is getting raging clues at her place. The shelf above Ashley’s bed. Hey, both just got topless. Alright alright alright, and Roller Coaster of Love is playing.  The moisture from the drink is dripping down on the the power supply. Uh oh, it’s getting warmer and warmer in there. Wendy is trying to call Ashley, but can’t get a hold of her. The shelf came down and basically locked them in the beds and they can’t open up the beds. They are burning alive. The store owner is locked out as he was taking a call. Things are bursting into flames, and they dead. That was well done.

There was a memorial service, Ian made a big speech about how it isn’t fair and disrupted stuff, so him and Erin bounce. Lewis says that he wants somebody to leave him a PSP at his funeral so he has something to do. Wendy is telling Kevin about her premonitions and how she can feel things. Wendy and Kevin are riding, almost get into an accident, then they are in a drive thru and she has some weird signs about “control of your”, the radio signal changing, something with a mud flap, and a big truck. So this one, dump truck I think, starts backing into Kevin’s car, and pinching them, and here comes a runaway big truck.  The car ahead has Frankie in it. Kevin kicks out the windshield just in time, then the trucks hits the car behind, and Frankie gets got via a fan. Now it’s time to try to save Lewis.

Lewis ain’t having it, because he’s the angry black dude in a horror film. The stereotypes are strong with this one. The clue is something with these swords as Lewis is playing football for The Sultans. They are in this gym with everybody getting jacked. The swords come down, cut the cord on the weight machine that Lewis was on, but he missed it, so he celebrates by doing another curl or whatever and gets his head crushed by the machine. Sorry, but that death was meh.

Now we are with Ian and Erin. Ian has a bad ass nail gun, and is killing pigeons as they keep setting off the alarms at the place that they work. Wendy and Kevin show up there. Ian is pretty much telling them how stupid this is, and Erin is trying to play both sides of the field here.  They are in a warehouse, lots of things are falling, and a chain is unraveling thanks to a magnet, and there’s a hook, and now antifreeze is involved. There’s a forklift moving on it’s own, running over antifreeze containers, and now pierces the shelving/walls.  Ian is still trying to prove these 2 wrong, and going on about Newton’s laws of motion. He says that if somebody killed themselves, it would stop death’s plan. Everything just came crashing down, and Erin just got a bunch of nails in her dome via the nail gun.

By Wendy and Kevin’s calculations, since they intervened and prevented Ian’s death, now Kevin is next, so he’s going to bail for a few hours to be with his dad. Seems reasonable. Ian is stalking them. Joyce just took the charm bracelet and it appears that looking at the photo, Joyce may indeed be next. Wendy calls Kevin, and he’s going to be looking for Joyce. Looking at more pics, Wendy has a picture saying McKinley, like Ian. Kevin’s picture had too much light and he is working at a fireworks show, so there’s that. Wendy is going to try to meet up with Kevin, but is getting stalked by Ian.  This is like a re-enactment that Kevin is working at. Kevin just saw a dude dressed as Ben Franklin and says “Fuck you Ben Franklin.” That was good. So there is an old cannon and the pole that you use to stuff it, and that knocks a cannonball that went rolling away. Kevin has found Julie. The cannonball his one of the trailers that is holding the fireworks. There is a spooked horse, and idiots with little firecrackers. The firecracker scared the horse, and it is running.  It is dragging the rope and the stake attached.  Kevin is still trying to get Julie, but the rope is now around her neck and the horse is dragging her. Kevin cuts the rope at the last possible second before she gets impaled. Wendy asks Julie who sat next to her on the roller coaster, and it was a friend who was with her, and she just got a flagpole impaled in her. Wendy goes to save Kevin, and succeeds, but there’s Ian and he is nearby stalking. Ian makes this big speech about how he’s not dying. The trailer tips and the fireworks get shot towards him, but they miss, he mocks Wendy and this big ass platform falls on Ian and kills him.

5 Months Later

Wendy is on a subway, and some dude is singing about somebody being behind you, and she gets freaked out obviously.  So she takes a seat. So many death references in cheesy ways, but I enjoy it. Wendy wants to get off at the next stop. Hey, Joyce bumps into Wendy and so Wendy stays in the subway, and Joyce reassures her that things are fine. There’s also a rat eating a candy bar.  Wendy sees Kevin and he’s sitting down. What a coincidence. Uh oh, the train is off the tracks and this isn’t going so well. Lots of flashing lights and explosions. I don’t even know who got got, but bodies are all over the place. Wendy is alive with a broken leg. A train comes at her as she laying on the tracks, but it was all a dream. We are back on the subways train and they try to stop it and I don’t think they succeeded.

End Film

Final Thoughts -This one just wasn’t as good as the first two. Wendy was more likable than Kim from the sequel, so that did help. The 2 chicks dying in the tanning beds was actually one of the best kills in the Final Destination franchise. It wasn’t just the tits, but more the way that they caused it, and the way they suffered and struggled. That was horror art in my opinion. The showing of the real roller coaster ride death seemed like it was cut short, but the premonition was good. The ending, I think is my main issue. In a franchise like this, don’t leave us hanging, you need to show it. I hated the lack of follow up on our survivors from part 2 as well. Still, Ian was a good character, and that stuff with the horse dragging Julie was really fun. This is a mixed bag, and for a part 3, you could do wayyyyyy worse. Actually, this is a pretty good part 3 for a horror franchise, and you won’t regret watching this, making it worth your time and money.

Final Rating – 5.8 meaning that it is re-watchable, but you may get pissed at some small things, and the weak ending.

All pictures used in this blog are for review purpose. They are the property of New Line Cinema, Zide-Perry Productions, Hard Eight Pictures, Matinee Pictures, Practical Pictures, Kumar Mobiliengesellschaft mbH & Co. Projekt Nr. 1 KG, and whoever else may have been involved. I recommend that you support them with a purchase.

#302 Final Destination 2 (2003)

I honestly don’t recall this film, but I know that I have seen it. Will it be just another shit sequel, or will it be halfway decent? It’s only 0.3 less on IMDB’s rating scale, so that’s encouraging.  Clear returns as does Bludworth.

Start Film

This takes place a year after the first one apparently. We hear a talk show interview about how the survivors cheated death. This is done for those who haven’t seen the first one, you are immediately caught up. Hey, there’s a VCR! I remember when that was like the only clock most people had in their bedrooms. Yeah, I’m old. So what?  Our main chick this time is Kimberly, and she has some irritating friend who I immediately want killed. So it is Kim, Shaina, Dano (the dude with weed), and Frankie, and they are on their way to Daytona. An old lady who is homeless, wants cans, and drops some.  While driving past a school bus, Kim hears the people on the bus chanting “pile up”. Heyyy, Highway to Hell was playing briefly, but she changed it. Fucking hell. Kim’s car is leaking transmission fluid. A biker chick just flashed her tits briefly. They are followed by a cop, so they tell Dano to get rid of the joint that he’s smoking, so he flips it onto the car next to them, and that vehicle has dry leaves on the wiper blades, so that is not good, but nothing seems to be fucked.  Kim wants to pull off at a rest station as the servince engine light came on. There’s a big truck hauling wood, a pregnant lady, a biker driving erratically, a truck driver drinking beer. Ugh. They go past a little boy who keeps ramming 2 vehicles into each other, and then some white dude listening to hip hop, and various other people. You get the idea.  The cop’s coffee spills on his lap, and he’s behind the wood truck. The wood comes loose, takes out the cop. The fast biker starts sliding to avoid shit. The cocaine guy is trying to avoid him, but both get killed in various ways. Pregnant lady got it. Beer drinker, and mom got it. Kim’s vehicle finally take a tumble, and speed car guy gets exploded. This is every bit of a clusterfuck as you’d expect. Basically everybody died, but it was a day dream. The old lady with cans shows up, then the school bus passes. She starts flipping out saying that there will be a big crash. Nobody is buying her story, but hey, Highway to Hell again. Do we get to see tits again? Kim blocks traffic, and the cop sees this and approaches Kim. Dano is flipping out about his weed. She explains that there will be a big pile up, so he asks her to get out of the vehicle, and everybody is pissed and impatient. Kim then sees the lumber truck, and is flipping out, and the cop tells her to calm down, and there’s accident and pile up. Pregnant lady, mom, biker, cocaine guy, and speed racer all are saved. Another truck swipes everybody in Kim’s vehicle, but the cop saved her. Now that we’ve established that, we have a plot.

At the cops station, a lot of people are there for questioning. One officer asks Kim to go over what happened. Fuck, 17 minutes in, and she has to describe what we just saw. She talks about Alex having a premonition, and how she had something similar. The biker, who’s this awesome black dude with a great voice, explains what happened to the survivors of Flight 180 or whatever it is. Oh, Clear is in a mental institution in Stonybrook. I know that I am simply here for the kills, but I don’t like anybody yet in this film, aside from the biker and Clear. Ugh, Kim tells her dad that she has a really bad feeling, and it’s not over yet. We have about an hour left, and by my calculations, 6-8 people to kill. So maybe this can pick back up for me.

Speed Racer walks up the stairs, down a hallway, almost falls, but doesn’t, because that’s how this movie rolls. This guy has a lot of Corona, and is a sloppy cook. He tosses his old spaghetti out the window.  He sprays out cooking oil. A magnet falls into his Chinese, which he just put in the microwave. Apparently his name is Evan, and he won the lottery, and a bunch of chicks call him because he’s got money. The Microwave scares him, he drops his new ring down the sink. The microwave is sparking, and his hand is stuck in the sink.  Now his pan is flaming. He tries to put out the flame from afar, , but he just sets more stuff on fire. I have seen porns like this, where a hand gets stuck in the sink. They are all hilariously bad. He frees himself, uses the fire extinguisher, but it runs out. He heads towards his windows, but they close. He breaks out of the window and is on the fire escape. His apartment explodes. He keeps climbing, but the ladder is stuck, but it lowers. He takes a step, slips on the spaghetti that he threw out, lads on some glass, fire ladder drops, but gets stuck, and then it drops and goes through his eye socket. And there we go.

The cop is looking up how every person died from the first one, and Alex got killed by a falling brick, come to find out.  Why Alex wasn’t brought back, I do not know. Update: Come to find out that contract negoitions didn’t go well.  The new survivors are now seeing stuff on the news, including Evan’s death. I know the mom and son’s names are Nora and Tim. We see Tim reading Stephen King’s “Bag of Bones” for those who are interested. Tim’s got a sweet bedroom at the very least. At night, Kim sees tree branches that look like hands coming after her. Kim looks up directions to Stonybrook. This is the same institution as was used in Halloween Resurrection.

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So Kim visits Clear, and isn’t allowed to bring in anything that is possibly harmful. It’s a hell of a list. Clear is in room 109.  She has a nice padded room at least.  We see a ton of newspaper clippings on Clear’s wall. Clear doesn’t want Kim to come close to her, she is not trusting. Clear explains death’s list and the order and all of the same old shit. Because the officer intervened, Kim is now last in line. Kim says that he friends died last, so this is messing with what Clear knows and understands. Clear warns Kim to watch out for the signs, in your face, irony stuff. Don’t ignore it. Clear gives Kim the boot. Kim calls Clear a coward and selfish for not helping others. Nope, she’s just smart. The officer visits Kim, and the survivors are meeting at his apartment tonight. Kim sees pigeons in a reflection and is concerned for Nora and Tim. I am not. Clear looks like she is ready to leave the asylum.

Tim is at the dentist’s office, and there is this hot Asian chick. That’s cool, and a sweet fish tank.  The fish tank motor is leaking water, near an outlet. A pigeon attacks a window. Chick’s name is Jean. Tim is going to get some nitrous, that’s cool. A pigeon has broken through in the waiting room.  Tim is left alone and a bird figurine falls into his mouth and he is too groggy to get it out, but Jean saves him. The rest of the visit goes fine. Kim and Officer Burke show up screaming about pigeons. Tim is seeing a bunch of pigeons, so he scares them, they scatter, startle a construction worker, and a huge plane of glass falls on to Tim. Yeah. The death did look cool at least.  Kim is finally believing, and she gets home, and there’s Clear. Clear brings them to Bludworth (Tony Todd). Yay!

There he is. He’s been expecting Clear.  He tells her that you can’t cheat death. She is insistent that they can beat the design. “Only new life can defeat death.” Basically for every death, there is life and so on. He tells Kim to follow the signs. Great scene. At a gas station, a guy says “Beeyotch”. I haven’t heard that term in a fortnight. Kim sees a premonition of a white van and crashing into a lake and drowns. That’s great. So they talk about the pregnant lady…duh.  Time to find this bitch. Her name is Isabella Hudson.

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All of the survivors meet up at Burke’s. Kim is handing out phones to contact people when she gets her visions. Eugene is the biker’s name, and he finds all of this to be bullshit. This sets off a series of follies that almost kills Clear inside the place. It was a fun, silly thing. Rory is cocaine guy, and Kat is the business lady who is easy on the eyes. They are deathproofing the house. Nora is ok with dying as her husband died 4 years ago, and now Tim. Tim was supposed to be younger, but they studio execs didn’t want to kill a 9 year old. Amateurs. Eugene and Nora are going to leave. Rory almost gets it via things in closet coming nown on him. He sees a vision of a man with hooks, and both Nora and Eugene are in an elevator with a guy who has a box of hooks, and he likes sniffing Nora’s hair. Ha. Burke calls Nora, but she can’t really hear him.  A hook gets attached to her hair, so she is freaking out and when the elevator stops, she tries to exit, but we know the door closes hard, and now her head is stuck in the doors and the elevator is rising. Clear and Kat try to save her, but she loses her head over it. The Cryptkeeper would have enjoyed that. Eugene is seething and pulls a gun on the survivors now. Rory just said chillax.  Eugene tries to shoot himself in the head, but the gun won’t fire. The gun was in fact loaded, and it wasn’t his turn to die. Time to find Isabella.

Since Isabella is supposed to drive into a lake, she is unable as she is in police protective custody. Isabella’s water just broke. The officer is panicking. She insists that he gets her to a hospital. She suggests that they take her van. Eugene says that this wasn’t the first time that he cheated death.  So now everybody has a story. Burke has a story, and now Kat has one. She was on the bus that killed Terry from the first film. Rory was in Paris when Carter got it. Eugene replaced Val Lewton.  Burke was at the train after Billy’s death. Wow, really guys? Kim’s story is about seeing a news report on Tod. So there we have it. Everybody avoided death due to the survivors from part one, all part of the plan. So had they not got off flight 180, all of our current survivors would be dead, get it? Good, because we must beat a dead horse. As the officer with Isabella approaches the Survivors in in the SUV, a tire explodes, and Eugene is hurt. Officer Adams calls in the accident, but has to get her to the hospital. Eugene’s lung is fucked. Kat is still pinned inside due to a tree limb. The ambulance shows up for Eugene. Rory just saves this one kid’s life.  A news van shows up, hits a jagged rock, punctures the gas tank, and gas is now leaking, down a drain or pipe. Rory gives his keys and wallet to Kim to get rid of the drugs and porn so that it doesn’t break his mom’s heart. While trying to free Kat, this rescuer triggers the airbag, and her head gets implaed on a pipe. The gas leak causes an explosion that sends a piece of fence at Rory, and slices him into pieces. Clear, Kat, Burke, and Isabella are the remaining survivors. Kim just had a vision in a hospital, with a nurse/doctor named Kalarjian, trying to kill Isabella.

Eugene is still alive, so that’s good.  The room’s door closes. Vents are closing, the bed is moving, and the oxygen tank tubes are coming undone. A little silly. They need to do a C Section, and call up the doctor from Kim’s vision. The plug is slowly getting pulled from the wall. Bruke and Kim are trying to find Isabella, and Clear is looking for Eugene. His buzzer is out of reach. Uh oh. The umbilical cord is wrapped around the baby’s throat. Burke stops Dr. Kalarjian. The baby survives and is born. As Eugene is choking, the emergency battery kicks out to save his life. Kim and Burke are super pumped.  They think it’s over. Kim now she sees a premonition about Isabella never supposed to be dying and sees the water, and there’s bloody hands. Clear is looking for Eugene. Clear opens his door, and because all of that oxygen was leaking and the vents were sealed, once the machine was unplugged, it caused a spark, and Eugene and Clear got roasted in a fiery explosion, and Kim and Burke just barely survived.  Kim’s hands are bloody, and she sees the machine from her vision, and now the lake, the white van, it’s all coming together. She decides that she has to die in order to save them. She tells Burke to get Kalarjian. Burke tries to follow, but the door seals so he can’t follow fast enough. She steals an ambulance and drives into the lake. Yeah. Burke is running, dives in the lake and is going for the rescue. He finds her and the van, but the door won’t open. Burke is trying to break the glass.  She decides to just close her eyes, but he is trying to break that window.  We are treated to like a recap of the film with Kalarjian trying to resuscitate Kim, in her wet bra. OK, they held out, but some eye candy. Burke says that thanks to her, they cheated death. That must be a push up bra because laying down, her tits look huge.

Now we are at a cookout with the family where the explosion happened, where Kat and Rory died. The boy Brian, he talks about how Burke saved his life. And Brian goes to check on the grill, and he explodes.

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End Film

Final Thoughts – This wasn’t a bad movie.  There are cheesy elements to it, but this is horror, so you can’t be too self righteous about certain things. They did at least tie things back to the previous one, and I kinda insulted that, but it was the right call, and I applaud them, despite me finding it silly. Most of the things here made sense given the premise, and everything tied together at the end. I didn’t really like Kim as a lead, and Burke was only adequate. Eugene would have been better as a lead. That’s where I have to really deduct some points, the characters weren’t all that fun. They aren’t going to be crafted incredibly well, but I want to like people before they die, or loathe them. I don’t want to feel indifferent. At least with the first film, I liked a lot of the main characters, or was excited about their impending death. The elevator death was my favorite.

Rating – 6.2 as it was an honest effort, and I enjoyed various chunks of it, and I would watch it again.

All pictures used in this blog are for review purpose. They are the property of New Line Cinema, Zide-Perry Productions, and whoever else may have been involved. I recommend that you support them with a purchase.

#301 Final Destination (2000)

I remember when this was a shiny, brand new concept, and people were dumb and afraid to get on a plane after this. Then they made another, and another, and ended up with 5 total in the Franchise. I haven’t seen every last one, but that ends now. On the plus side, Tony Todd is involved.  Ali Larter has done some cool shit, including this, House on Haunted Hill, and some of the latter Resident Evil movies, so that’s a plus. We also get Sean William Scott, so there are people that you are probably familiar with. James Wong directed this, and he has been working on AHS lately, so that’s cool.

Start Film

We meet Alex, and his parents. He is due to go on a senior class trip to Paris for 10 days. Mom rips off this tag on his bag, and it was an allusion to a plane crashing. Yes, they are very, VERY in your face about it early on.  Whoever the teacher is, she’s too hot to be a high school teacher (Valerie Lewton). Those boys would never concentrate. Alex keeps seeing weird things. This one dude, Tod, has a brilliant idea, take a shit before they get on board. I concur with that idea for a long flight. Oh, there’s a thunderstorm, and Alex is concerned about this. They get on the plane, and there’s a crying baby, so that is seen as a good sign. The 2 hot chicks want to sit next to each other, and Tod wants one to himself, but Alex fucks that up. Clear Rivers (Ali) is not the hot chick apparently. The plane is moving, Alex is not doing well. Very nervous.  Hitchcock is eating Whoppers, so jealous right now. Some turbulence is occurring. OK, stronger turbulence, masks are dropping. Panic as set in, and there are sparks, the plane has burst open, and seats and people are flying, as are the whoppers.  We have a fiery explosion, and it was a dream. Alex gets woke up by the hot chicks asking for his seat and he checks on something, and it’s just like the dream, so he begins flipping out. Carter punches Alex, so him, his woman, Alex, Clear, Val, and Hitchcock are all escorted back to the terminal.  Tod checks on Alex. Hot teacher talks the male teacher to get back on the plane, and our group will have to catch the next flight. They watch as the plane goes to leave while Alex explains to Val what he dreamed about. Another fight, and the plane explodes. What a TWEEST! Yup Carter, Alex saved your bitch ass.  Terry is Carter’s chick’s name, and she is pretty.

Agent Weine and Schreck from the FBI are there to ask questions. They are unclear about how Alex knew. Valerie is living with some guilt. The families show up, and everybody is all hugging, except for Clear, who has no family showing up, so she gets a ride home from Alex’s folks. How is she not the hot chick again? Fucking movie logic!

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All 287 passengers are feared dead. Imagine if this movie came out the following year. It simply wouldn’t have after 9/11, so that’s timing. Alex watches the lightning outside. Now we are at the memorial for the students and teachers. This is every bit as lame as you would speculate it to be. Carter is talking shit to Alex as they are up by the memorial statue, because there’s always one.  Carter is never going to die according to him, FACT. Billy Hitchcock asks Alex if he’s going to die young because of his driving instructor. Tod’s parents don’t like Alex, because that makes sense, granted Todd’s brother, George was on the plane, so I don’t know, splitting hairs. Clear gives Alex a flower to thank him.

At home, Todd is in the bathroom, windows are opened and now closed, the door closes, and the pipe to the toilet starts dripping as he takes a seat. Alex decides he is gonna check out a Penthouse. Good call. Todd is now shaving, and cuts himself as the water leaks closer and closer to where he’s standing. He goes and plugs in a small boombox, with Rocky Mountain High playing, then immediately unplugs it and walks away from the water. An owl scares Alex, causes him to throw up his reading material, the fan shreds it, and a piece of it lands on his lap, and it says “Tod”. Dun Dun Dunnnnnnn. Tod, still in the bathroom is removing clothes from this clothesline, slips, gets his neck caught in the clothesline, and is slipping in the tub and is so close to reaching the scissors, so close, and then he’s dead, and the liquid retreats. Great death scene, in my opinion. Alex goes out to check on Tod, and sees the ambulances, and the FBI is there, and Clear is there warning him to get out of there. Tod’s dad says that Tod killed himself over his brother’s death. Alex tries to defend himself, to no avail.

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The next day, Alex visits Clear. He asks her why she was at Tod’s house last night. She explains herself, and it’s exactly why you would think. Wow, she tells him that she has a connection with him, because she felt something when he felt something and she can still feel him, and that’s why she was there last night. Yeah. Alex hypothesizes that maybe Tod was only the first. Alex wants to go see Tod, so time to break into the funeral home with Clear. I think there was supposed to be a jump scare, but now we meet Bludworth, played by Tony Todd, who is the mortician.  Alex says that it looks like it was an accident, not a suicide, so Bludworth sets him straight that it’s all part of Death’s great design. Alex ponders if they can cheat death, but then death redesigns. The risks of cheating the plan of death can cause all kinds of issues and piss off the Grim Reaper. They go to leave, and Bludworth tells them that he will see them soon.

So now Alex and Clear start talking about Death’s plans and the signs, including the Tod paper. Basically, they’re gonna die, unless they figure out the patterns. Carter and Terry pull up, and are listening to Nine Inch Nails. Carter is pissed, does a 180, almost causes Billy to get run over on his bike. OK, so now all the survivors are here together, and Terry is even more pissed and wants to move on. So she tells Carter that he can drop dead if he can’t move on, and immediately gets hit by a bus and dies. BAM. Great death. Clear keeps calling Alex’s home, and he won’t talk to her. There’s a news report on what happened on the plane, and of course the important seats are seats that Alex recognizes. The path of the explosion went Tod’s seat, then Terry’s, then Valerie’s.

Yup, we go to Val’s place next. She looks out her window and sees Alex, so she calls Agent Schreck. Alex is checking Val’s car, to make sure it’s safe, and the agents show up and put him in the backseat. Val walks away from the window, and the curtain moved ever so slightly. Alex explains that he thinks that Val is next. Val puts on a John Denver record, Rocky Mountain High is playing, yeah, you see where this is going. Val fills up a tea kettle and wipes down the excess moisture and sees an odd reflection, but turns around and sees nothing, but her plant was moving slightly.  She lights the stove, nothing is fucked. The FBI asks Alex to promise that nobody else is going to die, like that’s reasonable, so they let him go. Schreck is a little creep’d out by Alex. Val pours water in a mug and she flips out, but oh well. Time to have some vodka on the rocks from that same mug, and it’s cracked and leaking. It leaks over the top of her monitor, and well it causes some internal sparks, and it explodes. A shard of glass ends up in her throat, and she slips. Alex sees a fire on his way home. The is following Val, and her alcohol trail, and we have an explosion. She is down and grabs a towel, and knocks over the knives and stabs her in the chest. Another explosion causes a chair to finish her. Alex grabs the knife like an idiot and then runs off, into Billy, and the house explodes.  Cool.

The FBI is asking Clear where Alex may be. Carter, Billy, and Clear end up at the memorial statue because Carter wants to add Terry’s name to the plaque. She wants to find Alex to find out who’s next, so they in carter’s car to find Alex. Time to split up because that’s the best plan, always. She finds him at a park, and then Clear talks about her parents, and how a dude killed her dad at a 7-11. Then her mom basically couldn’t handle shit. They all meet up again, and they are going to Clear’s dad’s cabin in the woods.  He admits that he knew that Val was next. So who’s next? Everyone is paranoid, and Alex says that not knowing doesn’t make things any easier. Not that it really matters, so Carter speeds up and says fuck it, let’s die now. They keep narrowly avoiding an accident. Alex sees a train, and they get to the crossroad for the train tracks and he stops the car. Uh huh. A train is coming, so Alex, Billy, and Clear panic. Carter doesn’t want to move. Carter decides it’s not his time, so he goes to start the car, and of course it won’t work. Now the door just locked and the seat belt won’t come free. Alex tries to rescue him. Alex saves Carter at the last possible second, and there is metal shrapnel from the car getting crushed.  Billy is pissed at Carter saying that Carter is next, and then the shrapnel flies up and decapitates Billy.  Alex is aware that if he intervenes, he messes up the plan.  After Billy, then Alex is next, then Clear, then back to Carter.  Off to the cabin in the woods.

Alex is attempting to death proof this places with various safety features, and duct tape. This is actually comical how hard he trying to avoid any potential danger. He’s wearing gloves to open a can, has a plastic spoon, and the wind is a blowing. The wind blows a garbage bag over, which hits a fishing pole, which starts to open a door, which he promptly shuts.  Now Alex is talking shit about how he has the cabin rigger to beat death. The FBI guys are sitting in front of Clear’s place, but she won’t turn him in. They want to get him in for protective custody. Alex is realizing that he had the seating chart off wrong, and Clear is actually next. Lightning hits a transformer in front of her house. Alex is off to be the white knight. The FBI show up to nab Alex, so he rows off in a canoe. Ha. Clear lights a candle, and her dog is pissed.  She needs to go save him.  And the candle just went out. Alex is on the run again. But the FBI are hot on his trail. Clear narrowly avoids getting impaled while trying to rescue her dog. Alex trips and rolls down a hill, almost gets impaled. Water is leaking from the pool and the electric is  dancing, but she misses it. Alex gets there, but a tree comes down on him, not enough to hurt him, but he is pinned, and appears to be drowning a bit. Clear is still hanging on the side of her house. Alex frees himself from drowning. Clear escapes only for the power cable to come inside and so she escapes the house and gets in her car. She is just going to ram the car through the garage door, but it gets pinned. She finally escapes, and there’s a gas can leaking, and the power line is flailing, so Alex knocks away the line. The line of fire is following the car, so he is going to sacrifice himself to help death skip her. He grabs it as the FBI show up. Oh yeah, he’s very hurt.

6 Months Later

Clear, Carter, and Alex take a flight to Paris. They sit down and have a good drink.  Carter is appreciative, and how they foiled the plan.  There’s just something that Alex can’t figure out.  Clear looks worse with lighter hair.  Carter says that it could circle back due to lack of intervention. Alex is getting a clue and is worried. He’s awfully jumpy. He now thinks that it’s him. He is going to the hotel and tells them to stay away. Clear yells his name, and he barely misses getting hit by a bus. A lot of stuff happens, a huge neon sign starts falling, Carter saves Alex, and Carter is all proud until they realize that he’s next and the sign swings back and takes out Carter.

End Film

This was actually at the forefront of bringing horror back in the 2000’s. Yeah, it’s kinda cheesy after you’ve seen it, but if you lived back then and avoided hearing about it, it’s a very smart, well done horror flick, surprisingly.  it was a really ingenious idea, and it was perfect for sequels, because the killer is simply death.  I feel that Ali Larter absolutely shined in this, and Alex and Carter were both good in their roles. Sean William Scott is actually a decent actor for what he is good at. The thing I liked most in this film is the creative deaths. Once again, you know that in sequels, these will get cheesier and cheesier until they get in 3D, but still, fun, mindless stuff. This had a great story. In another 10 years, this will get remade.

Final Score: 7.8

All pictures used in this blog are for review purpose. They are the property of New Line Cinema, Zide-Perry Productions, Hard Eight Pictures, and whoever else may have been involved. I recommend that you support them with a purchase.