#148 Children of the Corn 666: Isaac’s Return (1999) Review

Well, it sounds like Isaac is returning in this one.  Stacey Keach is in this, and he’s awesome. And it got a 3.7 on IMDB. Why did people continue to make these movies? Like who was their audience that kept saying we want more awful Children of the Corn sequels? I am a hardcore horror fan, just in case you haven’t been paying attention, yet I don’t know a single person who loved or even liked any movie aside from the original.  So I repeat, who is their target audience?

So we start off with this pretty decent looking chick, Hannah, and she drives past an older dude on the side of the road. He is reading from the Bible to her, and then told her Samuel would make a good name for a son. She said that she didn’t foresee kids in her future, and he said that she may not have a choice. Suddenly he magically disappears, and she crashes into the cornfield. A female cop talks down to her, and checks her license. She then realizes “it’s her” whatever the fuck that means. So the cop now is ok with taking her to the hospital. That’s where Stacey Keach is a a doctor of sorts.”Am I gonna live til my next birthday?” “Oh that’s tomorrow, on Halloween.” How mother fucking convenient.  She is looking to find info about Gatlin, and now the cop has lost somebody and it’s apparently not the first time. So they go looking and Hannah snoops in Keach’s office.

Apparently, there is nothing but kids in this hospital. She is roaming the halls and some dude jumps out, grabs Hannah telling her that she’s the only one who can stop Isaac. He is chasing her. He keeps saying that “He’s the resurrection of life” And he disappears, but then somehow got ahead of her. This is surprisingly creepy. She gets chased to a room where Isaac is lying in bed unconscious. And she just woke him. They are using the original guy who played Isaac in the original CotC. That guy has not had a great career.

Some guy named Gabriel finds Hannah and brings her car to her. The cop asks why he let her go, and Gabriel says the prophecy says that she has to find out herself. Now some old ass Ford pickup is trying to run her off the road. The fuck? She ends up at a motel, and there’s a creepy kid outside. The crazy guy in the hospital is trying to “Smite the wicked” and tries suffocating Isaac, but Keach stops him. There’s 2 teens running the motel, and they know Hannah’s name. Hannah wants the cops, but there’s only the one chick cop, Cora. The chick was a bitch, so the dude tries to help as there aren’t any hotels around for ways.

Something about Isaac at the hospital. I dunno. Hannah goes to leave her room and there is like 10-15 teens outside hanging out, and creepy kid was hanging in the back seat of her convertible. Isaac asks Cora how long it’s been, and Cora tells him 19 years. Isaac has a son. It could be Cora’s I don’t know yet. Hannah is back at the hospital. I know I’m gonna regret this, but I am actually enjoying this movie.  Hannah sees weird visions of Isaac walking down the hall in a walker. Gabriel shows up, tells her that Isaac is locked up, to protect him. Hannah is apparently looking for her mother, and apparently her mom was a member of the cult, as was Gabriel’s parents. Suddenly Jake swings an axe, at a rat. Jake is apparently Cora’s brother. Jake knows like the whole town’s lineage and who begat who.

Some dude broke into Hannah’s room. Ohhh, she is in a tand and panties. I’m not gonna lie, that was a thing of beauty, her ass that is. The guy was the dude in the pick up. I am guessing it will be the original creepy guy who disappeared in the beginning. Suddenly a weird guy, Jesse, with a machete approaches her and asks if she has a gas can. He knows who she is, asks if she will be coming to the festival, she says she’ll pass, but I call bullshit. OK, the truck driver was a lady named Rachel Colby, it appears she is a mid aged gal. She was bringing flowers to a grave. It was the grave of Baby Colby. Alrighty then.

Back at the motel, in the shower it says “Get out or die” written in blood. Hmmm, Rachel may be Hannah’s mom. Hannah was Amos’ woman, as he sacrificed himself for He Who Walks Behind The Rose. Apparently Rachel’s daughter is going to foster the next generation of children. Rachel may also be with Stacey Keach, the Doc. Yup, they are leading us to believe that Rachel is Hannah’s mom. This whole movie is one giant mindfuck. Hannah is apparently here to find her mom. Gabriel keeps hanging out with Hannah. Stacey tells Rachel that he won’t be needing her to bring dinner to him anymore after tonight. He urges her to go see her daughter, and she says she should have never given her up. Jake is trying to flood Stacey’s office. Isaac is pissed at Keach for getting Hannah out of the town. Isaac is talking to Matt, the nice guy from the motel. He’s gonna father the child that’s gonna lead the next generation.

We’re at the halfway point, I think I need to stop the play by play. This movie so far….I dig it. I will keep posted on anything truly great, but I think if you are enjoying this so far, go download this and enjoy it. You should see the original again because so many of the characters are referenced in this. Rachel, Amos, and Isaac are all in the original.

So some bad shit happens, so shit gets said, 2 somebody’s save the day, one somebody gets got, the other does other stuff. And Hannah is in her panties again. Uh oh, somebody is trying to fuck up the prophecy. This is the worse sex scene I have seen in a long ass time. Lots of grunting and ohhs and ahss, and kissing, but not boobs, butts, or balls. C’mon, I thought this was America!!!!

Well there have been some well thought out twists and turns, some more obvious than others.

Here’s my final thoughts.

All in all, that was the best CotC since the original, and it’s not even close. In some ways, the story was actually better. I only gave the original a 5, I must have been pissed, it deserves a 5.5-6.0 range. This movie, it was actually better. How the hell is that possible? I came in with such low expectations, and other people may see this movie as utter garbage, and I would understand that point of view, but this movie has so many positive things going for it. It has creepy children, creepy hopsital, voices all around, a cult, killer children, a mysterious past that slowly unravels, a horrible sex scene. It really has a lot of positive things, and they are pretty well done all things considering. I cannot believe I am saying this, but I am giving this movie a 6.6 rating. Not gonna be cheesy and say 6.66 to go with the movie. I can’t give it a 7, but it’s just a smidge better than 6.5. I recommend this to fans of horror. If my list of positive aspects appeals to your taste in horror, try this out. It’s short, like 75-80 minutes. The ending isn’t amazing, but it’s what it needed to be, and sometimes that’s all I ask for. I also learned not to search for Children of the Corn 666 Hannah Panties. Got lots of porn. I saw some things I can’t un-see.

The Quest for Breasts Total

56 Bare breasts

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#7 Children of the Corn (1984)

Back to some Stephen King 80’s movies. Alas, has any original movie with a long set of sequels been as mediocre as this? Yes, probably Warlock, Prophecy, Leprechaun, Hellraiser, and Fast and the Furious. Yes, I may get a lot of shit for throwing Hellraiser in there, and damned if I don’t want to love the movies, but I have seen 4 or 5 of them, and they never truly hold my interests. My apologies to it’s fans.

Anyway, where were we? Ahhh, yes, me semi-slamming Children of the Corn. Talk about a movie that seemed to kick so much ass when I was a kid but has really worsened with age. Let’s talk about the positives since I want to be optimistic. The diner scene in the beginning is one of the best scenes of the 80’s. It’s all truly downhill from there obviously. There are some good characters and actors. I don’t know who is more iconic, Isaac or Malachai. I personally like Malachai myself because he was more bad ass, had the red hair, and wasn’t as big a bitch as Isaac, but to each their own. Linda Hamilton of terminator fame is the lead lady, and is so much better than the black lady they used in the remake. Soooo much better. The children can be scary. Thankfully we got a great South Park parody from this movie. There are some other good scenes.

Then there is the ending…..that awful nonsensical ending. Talk about a movie that would have benefited so much from a average to great ending. This syndrome is common place in a lot of Stephen King’s works sadly. Rest assured you will hear this same gripe when I get to IT. As a kid, I may have given this a 7.5-8 range. As an adult, I give it a 5, and I am not sure how wise that even is.

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