In all honesty, I didn’t finish this movie, but I have seen it in the past. I don’t care much for Eliza Dushku. I love Jeremy Sisto. The rest of the case wasn’t memorable. Once Sisto got got, I lost a lot of interest the first time I saw it. Shockingly, the same thing happened again this time around. The sequels are perfectly fine for cheap ass direct to dvd type horror flicks. With this being the original, it should been strong I felt. This whole Hills Have Eyes meets Deliverance type story was adequate. Honestly, I’m really not gonna say much more. I’m giving it a 5.1 and moving on.
All the pictures used in this blog are for review purposes. They are the property of:
Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the last AHS blog of the year. Yes I know, it’s kinda sad. Not as sad as this season, but fairly sad. This is also our biggest blog to date because we figured that you needed something to remember us by. Whether you loved this season, thought it was adequate, or straight up hated it, I think that it is safe to assume that next season should be good because it’s an odd numbered season. As usual, I am joined by my for lady friends: Cece, Melanie, Stef, and Kelly. They have been here for a good portion of this season, and my heartfelt thanks goes out to all of them for making this a joy to do. Please enjoy and if you want to leave a comment, please do so in the comment section at the bottom of this blog. Anything written in bold font is from me.
Tell me your thoughts on the opening segment before the went to commercial. This includes the Paleyfest panel.
Cece: I thought the fans were fucking weird. Especially the chick who was obsessed with Lee. I knew it was gonna be the Polk dude who was shooting up the station. I’m tired of Lana Winters and Lee. (Lane is hopefully gone forever.)
Melanie: Well…Audrey thinks rather highly of herself. So weird to go back to them “living” after we watched them all “butchered”. Something I noticed, the FX in the corner of Lot Polk’s video, then they panned out it was a youtube…but the FX was in the corner of the youtube video. Well played, FX…well played. (Good catch. I have a picture of it later on.)
Stef: Simply, I think it was a total waste of time, and they could’ve used that time for making a better GD ending. (Are you implying that this wasn’t a good ending, and perhaps they could have spent 45 minutes to better develop characters and their history? HA! Never!)
Kelly: This entire scene made me want to turn it off immediately. But no, I had an obligation to this damn blog and here I am! It’s not like I’m surprised they threw this into the show – it has been horrible the whole time. I did however have a slight idea right at this moment that MAYBE season two of MRN was faked and we weren’t ever going to know about it. This scene led the finale off just how I expected – SHITTY. (Obligations to this damn blog kept me watching the past 3 episodes. I feel ya.)
Kent: What in the blue hell is that? That wig is fucking terrible. Audrey is as obnoxious as ever, and yet people wanted her to live. Seriously? I did love Agnes at the very least, but that drag queen is the sort of things that My Roanoke Nightmare is made up of. Fuck man, who did the makeup. I can’t help it, that is just the worst thing. “Uhmmm, what’s your favorite color?” Are you shitting me with this? And his response about the full spectrum…..for fuck’s sake man. It’s like, they are trying sooo hard to be terrible. I do love how Audrey looked sad about Rory hugging the dumb girl, and Dom being an attention whore himself. Bristol Windows, that’s the name. She was actually portrayed well because people really act this dumb. I did like the subtleties of Matt, Dom, and Shelby. Bristol’s commentary on turning something wonderful into something crass, yeah, you said it. At least Lot Polk looked handsome. Of course, I see the gun and can feel the social commentary just screaming out. Despite Denis O’Hare’s dapper ensemble, I hated this.
Did you like how they did the Crack’d segment?
Cece: No. I mean, it’s so cheesy. I hate shows like that normally.
Melanie: I did enjoy it. It was a spoof of the TV show Snapped, where they tell the story of ladies who go crazy and kill people (husbands, husbands and their mistresses, or anyone who looks at them funny. (Well, now I learned something new, like the name of a show that I can’t imagine that I will ever watch.)
Stef: I snickered. I enjoy the show “Snapped”, so I found this amusing. I thought it was a semi-clever way to show how it all went down with Lee after she escaped the house. (If it was a show that you didn’t watch or enjoy, would you find it clever?)
Kelly: I was so nervous at this point that all we were going to get for the finale was a reality television style of writing; a bunch of different little reality shows here and there with their take on the MRN show. This wasn’t the worst part by any means, it did dive into the trial with Lee which was pretty interesting. I love how they end up making it seem like Flora made it all up and let Lee go. Shocker. Can you taste my sarcasm? (Flora did make it all up. Fact.)
Kent: This just felt like a shitting Making A Murderer or any number of other shows that I do not watch, so there are probably better comparisons. Is this a fucking clip show? Lee’s lawyer was pleasant to look at. Gotta look at the positives, right? Under what logical circumstances would Lee ever be found not guilty given all of the overwhelming evidence? Even if you take away Flora’s testimony, there was legitimate evidence. This shit is straight up insulting. Also, Adore Me ads would be made better by seeing how well they fit, so that everybody would know if it’s something that a dude may want to buy for a special lady friend.
After the build up from last week’s preview, did the Lana Winters appearance go as you had hoped?
Cece: Exactly as expected. Boring and awkward. (I was sooo bored.)
Melanie: It did! I enjoyed how she tried to relate and deescalate a crazy in good old Lana Winter’s style.
Stef: Eh, I really had no expectations. I was more pissed about how/why they brought her on here looking like she was 60 at best, when she should be like 75-80 at this point. But that bitch took a hit! Surprisingly no bruises or anything… hmmmm. (Good point about no bruises. She’s old.)
Kelly: Okay so she definitely aged unlike the trailer suggested! So my theory from last week flew out the door. I think it was a bullshit interview, to say the least. Lana was a bitch. I’ve never been a fan of her character though. I did enjoy Lee stickin’ it to her with regards to what she did to her son in Asylum. It was pleasant having Lot bust in though and steal the show. I’m really getting tired of this Sarah Paulson gravy train they’re running. (I like gravy more so than the next guy, but yeah, Paulson needs to have a smaller role, like take a hit like Evan had to this season.)
Kent: Total waste of time just to bring Sarah Paulson back on my screen and to tie this season to Asylum. Absolutely unnecessary, and unbelievable that her 70 or 80 year old ass looks that good. Fucking terrible. Plus, the character sucked to begin with, if I may be so bold, which I shall be. Her character was actually a big reason why Asylum sucked. Let’s not put the old nostalgia shine on it. Her character was terrible, and this was terrible, and we should all feel terrible for having sat through this. At least Bloody Face got mentioned. I did enjoy how silly factor of Flora going missing. So dumb.
Considering everything we know about Lee, she was the star of the season. What did you think of her overall, and looking back, was she a good character to make the main focus?
Cece: I liked Lee at first. I was hoping she would pull through and be the last one standing. She pretty much was; except she started being crazy obsessed with seeing her kid. Then she murdered her ex-husband and killed lots of others off. She was downright shitty.
Melanie: I do think she was a good character. Being the breakout star, I wonder if she will be in future episodes. (If Ryan Murphy is kind, no she won’t. SO within a season or 2, probably.)
Stef: She was never my favorite, so no. Plus, the ending was just a ridiculous way for her to go out. smh
Kelly: Knowing that I was not a fan of this season, and though I was nervous with ‘new’ actors in the show, I think she did a fabulous job. I think she was the unsung hero, even through her dastardly ways. Kent, you predicted she would play a big part in this season and were totally right. Although I agree with your idea that Murphy has a “hard on for Paulson,” he did a really great job NOT making Sarah the absolute focal point of the season by the end of it. Hell, he even gave her one of the worst death scenes in AHS history. It was a nice change. (Thank you. You know, traditionally, the most beloved characters get the best, goriest deaths. But this season didn’t follow that tradition.)
Kent: I feel the need to point out that Adina Porter was consistently listed as “Guest Starring” yet ended up being the focal point. That’s amazing. To answer the question, who was often considered the least favorite person? Lee. In the second half, did she get better? Yeah, but not a great deal. Looking back at the iconic characters of the past seasons, aside from The Butcher and possibly Pig Head, this season was lacking. Still, Lee is far down on my list of interesting characters and I was ready for her to after the second episode. Sorry, but she was a shitty character, in my opinion.
A lot of you said that Lot would play a role in this finale, and you were right. Was it handled well?
Cece: Absolutely. The writing of his character’s revenge made sense. About the only good thing this episode. (Yeah, it made sense. One of the few bits of logical closure.)
Melanie: I think it was handled well and in typical Polk crazy creepy style. My favorite line…,”The world is watching you young man.” (Despite my disdain for her, it was a good line.)
Stef: I’m just glad he got capped. None of those inbred bastards needed to live. I was almost afraid he was going to kill Lana & Lee first though. (Would that have really been so bad if those dumb bitches got got first? Wouldn’t that have been better? Have you ever seen Wrong Turn? Deliverence? I Spit On Your Grave (classic not re-make)? Question mark?)
Kelly: I think they brought him in for a good scene. At first, it caught me off guard so it worked!
Kent: “She talks too much.” That was clearly the line of the episode. I don’t buy the fact that he had that particular style gun. Once again, it felt insulting. Would the Polks have them? We’re talking about mountain men, so shotguns or a hunting rifle makes more sense, preferably the shotgun.
How did you feel about the whole Spirit Chasers part of things? Were they just tossing as many different garbage style shows into the mix at the end or did this work for you?
Cece: It was pure garbage. I hate those stupid paranormal shows. I can’t stand it. It was pointless and I hated it. (Nodding in agreement.)
Melanie: Loved that shit! I ate it up!!! I knew it was coming and was so excited about it. I do love a good Ghost hunter type show. So much cheese! Also…we got a couple bad asses over here, lol.
Stef: Definitely garbage. Stupidity beyond all beliefs. WHY would ANYONE go back there during the blood moon?? Plus, the acting was terrible. (Stop bringing up logical points. This is horror damnit!)
Kelly: Tying back into my answer for #2, I did worry we were just getting stupid reality style scenes the whole finale. This was exactly as you describe it, garbage. I don’t have many thoughts on it as I believe the majority of us will feel the same. It was a careless way to take up ten minutes of the finale. This whole season was just cut and paste stupidity. (Laughing and nodding in agreement.)
Kent: Well, at the risk of insulting my colleagues or readers, I think that this style of show is on the same level as the Kardashians. I seriously think that it is absolute filth, and people should be ashamed of watching this fake shit. What is the point? Then, they film themselves breaking through the gate, and then had a guest star. So which is it? You don’t invite a guest celebrity to come and break into a place that you don’t have permission to enter. Where the fuck is the logic??? It makes no fucking sense!!! You wouldn’t film that to air on TV, and possibly expect people to believe it. Well, at least they have Emma Bell. I may be intrigued, only because of her. Wait, they are telling us that there was trauma there, I think where Dom got killed. Once again, it was filmed, they’ve seen the footage. Why state the obvious? I fucking hate this god damn episode. “I almost peed my pants” is a funny line as she does that in a film called Frozen, no not the Disney fuckery, but rather a horror flick. Why did it take Lee 2 weeks to come back to the most likely hiding spot for Flora? And who the fuck thought was a good idea to come back to a place with numerous confirmed murders during the blood moon? Pig Head showing up was welcome, plus Ashley screaming Croatoan made me giggle. Yes, go Chen’s! It’s kind of bullshit that they didn’t give the nurses a kill. Haha, the Butcher strikes. Why the hell are the arrows the weapon of choice? How dumb are those fucking cops?
Was the final segment, from the news reports to the final frame, a good way to wrap up this particular season?
Cece: I mean, I guess. I don’t see where else they could have necessarily gone with it. I’m just disappointed in this season.
Stef: Hated it. None of it made much sense to me.
Kelly: Do you want to know what a good way to wrap up this finale would be? Crumple it up, throw it in the trash, and forget it every happened. Yes, I’m bitter about this one. (Doing my best Palpatine voice “Gooood gooooood”)
Kent: I was happy to see Denis O’Hare made it in the last segment, as William Van Henderson. More Lana, oh the joy I feel. Am I wrong in saying that Lee should have immediately alerted the cops that Flora was in there? Hell, she got away with murders, so she seems fairly untouchable. I did enjoy Lee’s thing about drawings and parenting. I do love how Lee is so fucked up, being a shitty parent, but thinking that she can be a better parent to Priscilla. Think about that logic. Then it ends with settlers and their torches approaching the cops on the blood moon. And it ends, so abruptly. Like, could they not have given us a massacre at the end? No, this was shit. Flora somehow just walked away from an exploding house totally unscathed.
Was Flora being selfish, manipulative, or perhaps put up to doing what she did, in regards to Lee?
Cece: I think Flora was justified. Her mother is a piece of shit.
Melanie: I think maybe she gained some cra cra from her Mama! (The cra cra is strong within this one. I actually think older Flora will be on a later season.)
Stef: I think she was mostly being a little wretch. However, I do think she was being manipulated by Priscilla, and she HAD seen her mother beat her father to death with a rock. That’s gotta do something to a kid. (But Lee wasn’t guilty. Flora made it up. C’mon, weren’t you paying attention?)
Kelly: I was surprised at how Lee’s demise panned out. I am quite confused on the motives of Flora in doing what she did. I assume since her parents weren’t really there for her for a while, she found comfort in Priscilla like a sister. They both were lonely, “lost” children. I don’t know if she was “put up” to it really. I think most of all she just was unstable mentally with the loss of her parents, one to death and one to the media/law enforcement. (I think the fact that she had gone through so much and then was put in the spotlight from everything, it definitely played a role.)
Kent: I’m going with manipulative, but am probably over thinking this one. I think that she wanted to be rid of her mom after the Mason kill, and when Lee didn’t go to prison, Flora knew her back up plan. We’ll go with that. Also, did anybody else notice how similar that Priscilla looked to Gaga’s character when she was alive?
Priscilla finally had her big role that I had longed for. Do you feel satisfied with Priscilla’s story arc?
Cece: I was actually very confused by it. Is she the Druid chick? (I can’t determine if it was intentional to make them look so similar. It was apparent at the very least.)
Melanie: Nope! Still don’t know who she was.
Stef: There was no story! Again, could’ve wasted less time in the beginning, and spent more time on important things such as this. (Hell yeah!)
Kelly: Though I wasn’t invested in her the way you were Kent, I definitely don’t think she got her moment to shine that you were so longingly looking forward to. Her backstory wasn’t really explained well, if at all. I peeked at your answer, and I think you have a great idea there about Thomasin’s husband being her father. I assumed the Butcher had a problem with the nurses because my bets were on her husband having an affair. That’s what assumptions I’ve collected myself as to why the Butcher is bitter and dislikes certain characters. I think her husband was a cheater. (It really is the only reasonable thing to ascertain from this. I have a feeling that there are more answers in deleted scenes, or at least I hope. As a matter of fact, I think this is going to be a big marketing thing.)
Kent: NO NO NO NO NO NOOO! Are you kidding me? We still don’t know who her mom or dad were. I think the safest assumption is that Thomasin’s husband had an affair and knocked up a bitch. Otherwise, why hate the girl so much? As the writer, you need to fill in these blanks. You need to tell us why the Chen’s are how they are. So, while I was thrilled to see more Priscilla, it left me terribly unsatisfied. I was not Kentertained.
Bonus Deuce Cubed (Math is fun)
Who was your favorite and LEEast character from this season? Feel free to elaborate?
Cece: Favorite was probably Rory/Edward Mott. Call me cliche, but I love Evan Peters and his two characters were fun. Least was probably Audrey and Lee.
Melanie: I see what you did there! Favorite- Hmmmm…so tough…I think both Evan Peter’s characters. Least- Leslie Jordan, both characters. He is just creepy as fuck.
Stef: I enjoyed Cricket – I love mediums, and I have a sweet spot for gay men. Real life Lee was really probably my LEEAst favorite. ugh
Kelly: Evan Peters as Rory was ridiculous. I didn’t enjoy Cuba in his ‘big hot actor’ form either, but the one that first came to mind was Rory and Audrey – together, separate, whatever. They both sucked. As for my favorite, it very well could have been Kathy had she had a bigger part after MRN. They wrote her off pretty quickly. Even Gaga didn’t get to shine. It feels like they threw everyone away this time around. (That was a big issue. Nobody got to shine. You need to have a few bigger roles every season, even if they aren’t great.)
Kent: Pig Head, Butcher, Cunningham, Cricket, and Dom as favorites. LEEast favorite is Audrey, real life Mama Polk, Real Life Matt, Lee, and the thing with the wig on the season finale. Also, props to the Uber Driver. Gay for pay!!!
What story arc or subplot was your favorite from this season?
Cece: Honestly I don’t really have one. I mean, maybe Cunningham’s plight.
Melanie: I really liked the last episode for the Crack’d and Spirit Chasers sub plots. Both those type of shows are my secret pleasure tv shows. Also, the first episodes, paranormal documentaries are my jam!!!!
Stef: The back story on the witch was pretty good, and the first real massacre of the second half of the season was pretty outstanding.
Kelly: I enjoyed the nurses. I wanted more of them to reminisce a Murder House style. But alas, my dreams were crushed.
Kent: I really liked episode 4 where we actually had a story and some character development. The nurses is probably my favorite story because they told so many details and took care of them, and then gave them all of one kill. I really enjoyed The Witch’s past story, and how Thomasin became The Butcher.
Who’s death was the best or most satisfying from this season?
Cece: I loved Agnes’ death.
Melanie: Uhm…I think the nurses. The bad guys killing the badder guys is kind of their MO…and I love it!
Stef: Well, though we can’t be positive whether he was under some sort of trance or not, I’m gonna go with Shelby snapping and beating Matt to a bloody pulp. It came as a complete surprise, I think making it one of the best.
Kelly: Kathy got a good death being that she was so happy to have the real Butcher be the reason of her demise. Reminds me of how happy the Laundress was in Hotel when JPM offed her before the cops busted in.
Kent: Agnes’ based on the brutality and meaning behind it, the original Pig Head, and probably Cricket’s. Most satisfying death belongs to Audrey, because it was dumb and she was so dumb.
Out of the six seasons, where does this one rank?
Cece: I think this was my least favorite, unfortunately.
Melanie: In the middle for me I think.
Stef: I would say it’s 4th in my book – beating Asylum & Freak Show. Incase you haven’t figured it out by now, Freak Show will always be bottom of the barrel for me. I don’t know how it could possibly get much worse than that.
Kelly: LAST. I started to rewatch Freak Show after this finale so I could retouch on how I felt about it. I still think there are better storylines in Freak Show and even Asylum than Roanoke. I just – I have no words honestly. It was so bad. (I re-watched the Freak Finale, and I stand by it being the worst, but I can totally see both sides of this one.)
Kent: 5th tentatively, only above Freak Show. This season, the first 75% was fairly watchable and I enjoyed it. There were so many boring or shit episodes of Freak Show, well over half of them sucked big floppy donkey dick.
Looking ahead to next season, what would be your theme or premise, or horror aspects that you may want to see play out?
Cece: I’d honestly like maybe an anthology type season. Maybe I’m using the incorrect verbiage but what I mean is, like they hinted before this season. I’d like to see each episode play a different story. For example, say, one episode does a horror lore story such as Children of the Corn or something we grew up watching. The next episode does sort of a Creepypasta story like Slenderman and so on. Through an entire season. This way they can tell many stories, and also bring in new actors to AHS, and also recycle our favorite actors into new stories and characters!
Melanie: I would love for them to do like. Frankenstein theme.
Stef: Oh dear… I couldn’t even begin to wager a guess. This is why I don’t write movies.
Kelly: Can we please just go back to the writing styles of the earlier seasons? I had such high hopes and was pretty scared based on a few of the teaser trailers for season 6, but it just let me down worse than I ever imagined possible. I can’t predict a theme yet for the next season. Give me a few months.
Kent: I call it “The Will”. I have wrote half of the story already, but am not finished. Busy week. When it is ready, I will put it here on the blog for your reading pleasure. I’m not saying that it’s great, but it would follow the AHS formula and be better than this season at the very least. As for what the should do, I could absolutely go for a flu epidemic that isn’t zombie related, but show the real dark underbelly of civilization crumbling.
Are there any actors who you would like to see get a starring role, or any characters that you wouldn’t mind seeing fall back to more of a middle or supporting character? You can choose from anybody in the AHS history.
Cece: Always Denis O’Hare, but I’d like to see more Gabby Sidibe again, or Wes Bentley. It would be cool to always have more screen time for Evan too. Less Sarah. I’d like to see her have a smaller role next season. Also Finn. He’s great. I wanna see more of him.
Melanie: GAGA! I would love to see her be a Dr. Frankenstein/creator type character.
Stef: I would absolutely LOVE to see some of the actors/actresses lost along the way come back, and I don’t even care how big or small their parts… Dylan McDermott, Connie Britton, ADAM LEVINE *wink wink*, and most definitely Jessica Lange. I’d like to see Gaga come back as more of a starring role… or even Dennis O’Hare.
Kelly: Evan Peters, Frances Conroy, Denis O’Hare would all be great for big roles. Evan has come a LONG way since Tate and I still loved him as Tate. He’s a classic. But he has truly had a great metamorphosis as an actor. I’d like to see Sarah Paulson and even Lily Rabe take a back seat.
Kent: Denis O’Hare, Frances Conroy, Danny Huston, Taissa Farmiga, Kathy Bates (She’s the best so far, no offense to Lange), Andre Holland, Dylan McDermott, Zachary Quinto, Mare Winningham, Wes Bentley, Finn Whitrock, John Carroll Lynch, Alexandria Breckenridge, and Evan Peters. People who can go to the back of the line are Sarah Paulson, Adina Porter, and maybe Angela Bassett. I love Angela, but I would really like to see her have a really big role some season, and it may come with sacrificing a season. But seriously, Sarah, you can take the season off, you will not be missed.
If you could add one actor who is not an AHS alumni, who would you choose and why?
Cece: I’d kill to see Michael C. Hall. Also maybe Matthew Morrison from Glee.
Melanie: I would love to see David Duchovny in a role.
Stef: Hmmmm, it’s a big name and I don’t know how they’d get him there, but Jack Nicholson always plays an amazing f’d up part. I think he could be a phenomenal addition if casted in the right role.
Kelly: James Spader or Kevin Spacey for shits and giggles. Let’s change it up, man.
Kent: Robert Englund, Tobin Bell, Matthew Lilard, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Dee Wallace, Sid Haig, or Jeremy Sisto.
Finally, give us your parting thoughts and say whatever else you feel the need to say because we’re gone for 9 months.
Cece: I hope they go out with a bang for season 7. This one really irked me. Also, it’s been real.
Melanie: Thanks for the opportunity Kent!!! Can’t wait for next season.
Stef: I’ll just end up anxiously awaiting the next season, hoping for it to “WOW” and bedazzle me the way Murder House did. I guess it’s like a relationship for me – in the beginning it’s all new and amazing and exciting, then it starts to lose it’s luster, and at times it’s really great again, and you know it’ll never quite be the same as it was in the beginning, but you just keep faithfully hanging in there, waiting for some more good stuff.
Kelly: Murphy, step it the fuck up or you’re going to be losing a ton of viewers.
Kent: While I didn’t like how the last 25% played out, and basically tarnished this season for me, I’m going to miss it because I love horror, and I like seeing familiar faces. I don’t ever want to see “reality based” shows on AHS again because they are all contrived bullshit from my perspective. I know that they are some people’s guilty pleasures, and some people just love the stuff because they do, and that is why E!, TMZ, and other such stuff is so popular. It makes me sad. But with that being said, it was provided this blog with a great deal of varying perspectives, and that is what I was hoping for when I started this. So while I may have great disdain for many things, it hopefully has made reading this more pleasant. Maybe you found yourself agreeing more often with somebody and read their answers more closely, and if so, that’s fucking fantastic. If you think I am a horrible human being but found value in what one or several of the ladies said, then that’s awesome. We are obviously all built differently, and some of us tan better than others or have better hairlines, but I think that we all had fun, most of the time at least. These girls have given me plenty of things to consider and it actually helped me understand this season a little bit better. All in all, I had fun with this. This was an extension of what I had been doing the past couple of years. Kelly and I started talking AHS way back in season 3 and talk about pretty much every episode. It seems like every week, I get at least one article from her during the season about rumors or speculation. Stefanie and , we started talking about it maybe back during Freak Show. Stef has proved to me that she could potentially work well with me in an apocalyptic situation. Cece and I have had many a conversations, a lot about Evan Peters and just in general about why I loved or hated a season and same for her. Her and I may not fare so well in an apocalypse, haha. Melanie is really the only person that I didn’t have an AHS past with, so it’s been nice getting her input. I had fun doing a couple of podcasts with her and hopefully we can do them more regularly next season. I gotta thank my buddy Tom who helped during the first half of the season before he fell behind.
Thank you for reading, contributing, or just having a nice chat with me about AHS. I appreciate it. To the ladies, thank you for taking time out of your schedule to help me do this thing. Have yourself some happy holidays. It’s time to prep for LingFest, which is infinitely cooler than Paleyfest.
All pictures used in this blog are for review purposes. They are the property of the FX Network, Ryan Murphy, and whoever else is involved.
Hello ladies and gentlemen. I would like to welcome you to the only AHS blog that asks the 9 Deuce. I am your Negative Nancy of a host, Kent, and I am joined by my 4 lovely contributors, Melanie, Cece, Kelly, and Stefanie. They all say hi. So here’s how this goes. I ask 11 questions, and the ladies and I answer them. They tend to have a more positive perspective, while I am typically the pessimistic prick. We share a common goal in enjoying this show and we all want the best damn show that this can be. So whether you are enjoying or loathing this season, there will most likely be a perspective that you find yourself agreeing with. With all of that out of the way, let’s talk about Chapter 9.
Are you happy that Lee ended up as the survivor?
Melanie: I predicted it, so yup I am pretty pleased with myself.
Cece: I’m happy that my first prediction was right. However, I’m not satisfied with her ever since her confession. I don’t think she deserved to live.
Kelly: I’m not surprised; there was a good chance she and/or the real Shelby would make it through.
Stef: Though she was my original prediction, no. She turned out to be someone more rotten than I thought she was. And considering even after being axed, and thrown down into a basement, Audrey managed to survive, only to be gunned down in a heartbeat. Annoying. (Kent: In all fairness, Audrey shouldn’t have lasted that long, under almost any normal circumstances.)
Kent: Are you asking me if I am happy that the LEEast interesting character survived, ha, hell no. She killed one of the most likable characters in Mason.
Who did you want to be the final victim out of Audrey, Monet, the remaining Polks, and Dylan?
Melanie: Polks, so gross. I was pulling for Dylan being a veteran and all. (Kent: I found myself pulling for Dylan, but then remembered what season we were in. I couldn’t call a bookie fast enough to take my money that he would be the next to die.)
Cece: Audrey; which, she was.
Kelly: My first desire a few episodes ago was Sidney, but since that ship has sailed, I would have taken Monet out of those four options. (Kent: Yeah, they absolutely dropped the ball with Sidney.)
Stef: Well all I really wanted was see ALL of the Polks die, but it appears as though one managed to get away. ugh And the fact that a highly military trained man didn’t make it as long as the girls was a little disheartening. (Kent: Hmmmm, it’s almost like Ryan Murphy is sexist, isn’t it? Trained military dude or dumb bitches, and the dumb bitches survive. LOGIC!!!!)
Kent: Monet, so we could have had Lee vs Lee. Basically, I would have been happy with anybody that wasn’t Audrey, but……fuck man.
Did you find the shaky cam/go pro camera stuff in the beginning to work for this season, or do you just hate shaky cam?
Melanie: I like the shaky cam in AHS as they actually let you see what is going on. I HATE shaky camera angle when you can’t see shit. (Kent: Yeah, when you can’t see what you want, it causes issues as well, I agree. It’s lazy filming. Trust me, I’ve resorted to it before.)
Cece: I think it worked with the story pretty well, but I am anal about shaky filming because it bugs me. (Kent: It’s downright irritating, so I’m with ya on this.)
Kelly: It’s not my style so I could have gone without it.
Stef: I usually really hate shaky cam because very often it will almost make me nauseous, but this time it didn’t seem to bother me much.
Kent: I usually really hate shaky cam…..and this is no different. There’s no need for it, ever, unless you are watching COPS. To present a story properly, we should have a clear view of what is happening from whatever perspective it is. Then lazy fucks thought to use it, and keep using it, and it’s just a terrible cliché in horror now.
Did you like how Audrey’s final scene played out?
Melanie: I spent the whole time wondering if it was all a sham and she was still possessed, so yes.
Cece: No. I wish she could have gotten away too.
Kelly: Hell no! The woman had been through hell, at the hands of Lee even, and THAT’S how she died? Pathetic writing. (Kent: I concur with your last 2 words. She deserved it.)
Stef: NO! I thought that was bullshit. She was shot down by SEVERAL police, immediately. Wishing she had gotten in a terminating shot at Lee so at least her death wouldn’t have been in vain.
Kent: No. She got cleaved by the collarbone, yet the cops just lift her up by the arms, and no real huge signs of pain. Way to sell your injury! Way to write something that makes no sense. The cops would have seen this injury and helped her in a different way. But boy, did I love seeing that bitch soak up bullets like a sponge. Best part of the whole episode! I had hoped that they wouldn’t find Audrey until she had starved to death, but you can’t always get what you want, like a good finish to what had been a good season. I have no idea what my friends here see in Audrey’s character, BUT this is why the blog exists to get various viewpoints, no matter how many times I shake my head adamantly, and then get a headache. Every single week, haha.
Are you excited to see Lana Winters next week?
Melanie: Yessss!!! I can’t wait.
Kelly: As you know from our personal discussions as well as my opinions so far during this blog, this isn’t my favorite season. In fact, I enjoyed Asylum AND Freak Show more than this. So seeing Lana Winters next week isn’t specifically going to make me jump for joy. What will make me jump for joy is the fact that this hogwash is over. (Kent: It’s weird, because I really liked the first 75% of this season, but under the guise that they would tie up loose ends. With that appearing to be unlikely, I may be forced to say that this is worse than Asylum, but probably still better than Freak Show. Rest assured, next week I’m going to irritate all of you with ranking all six seasons and I can see the eye rolling now.
Stef: I will admit my first reaction was total surprise when they showed next week’s preview, however my thoughts instantly switched to the next question… (Kent……nodding my head)
Kent: For about 5 seconds, yes. Then reality hit me, and she was from Asylum, which sucked in my opinion, especially her character, and nostalgia got pushed aside for logic. Why does middle Lana look worse than older Lana? Is she gonna kill Lee? Just a thought, get vengeance for her doppelganger.
Do you see any issue with a character from Asylum in 1964 appearing in 2016, played by the same person?
Melanie: No and she has aged so well, lol. (Kent: Yeah, ain’t that some shit, right? She looks younger now than she did then.)
Cece: It doesn’t work so well with timelines and continuity…. (Kent: How dare you question the great and powerful Oz…I mean Murphy! Lana met Lady Gaga, who introduced her to a witch, played by Lady Gaga, and that is how the timeline works out so incredibly well!)
Kelly: Nothing surprises me about characters in this series because people come back from other eras. She could be dead for all we know which would explain her youth after all these years later. And maybe, if she did die, she didn’t die in a murderous house or hotel and can roam freely. We don’t know yet. (Kent: Woah woah woah, put down Pandora’s Box and do not open it. This could get ugly fast. What if All characters played by Sarah Paulson joined all of Jessica Lange’s character and sang The Name Game? Come on, you’d watch the hell out of that and it would be a guilty pleasure, like midget films.)
Stef: The whole timing thing irks me. They need to pay more attention to details like this. As cool as the whole tie-in could potentially be, they need to get their shit together in terms of making things more realistic. And if they wanted to bring Sarah in as Lana Winters at all during the season, maybe Audrey should’ve been played by someone else. (Kent: I think just using a different actress for older Lana, or have her daughter ask the questions, or just bring in Adam Levine because this season is just pandering at this point.)
Kent: Is Ryan Murphy even trying anymore? Does anybody else stop him and get in his ear and say: “Listen Ryan, we know that you have a raging clue for Sarah, and you show that by ramming her down the audience’s throat season after season, but for one episode, maybe we should get an actress that is in her 70’s or 80’s.” To which Ryan Murphy would then suggest that he’s got a fever and the only cure is more man ass!
Is it time to give us a break from Sarah Paulson, or do you want to see her as much as you can every season?
Melanie: I love her, so I do enjoy seeing her. I am VERY happy to not listen to that accent. (Kent: it really is the worst accent that I have heard in quite some time.)
Cece: I love Sarah Paulson, but I haven’t loved her characters in the even seasons. (Kent: I 100% agree with that, although I think she did a great job as Dot and Bette, but I disliked them.)
Kelly: I’d rather see her in a better role, such as Sally or Dot/Bette. (Kent: Hopefully Sally and Lana can shoot up before the interview. I’d be so pumped.)
Stef: I don’t mind her, honestly. I really couldn’t care either way.
Kent: Yeah, yes, si, oui, hell yes! Her character was great in Hotel because we didn’t have to see her every 3 minutes, and her talent shined in smaller doses.
Is Ryan Murphy sexist?
Melanie: Against men maybe…
Cece: I don’t think so.
Kelly: I don’t think so.
Stef: Kent, you’re just pissed that a dude didn’t survive. lol (Kent: While I totally agree with you, I am adamantly pissed about this horrible horror cliche, if you do read my tirade directly below, you will see that I have made a legitimate argument. Whether you agree with it or not, that’s entirely your prerogative. Really though, Dylan is an experienced military man and lasted like 1/200th the time that Audrey did? Really?)
Kent: No, he still loves dat man ass! Seriously, he has stopped giving great roles to men, which is a major hit to the overall character development. If you want to do this, just go to E! or Lifetime. I want to state that he did great in the first 2 seasons. Both men and females were featured very equally, and both sexes had roles in which they were allowed to be stars. Then Coven happened, and Aside from Axe Man, the male characters weren’t great in that season, but it was about witches, and that was fine, it made sense. But they lost Quinto, McDermott Cromwell, and Joseph Fiennes with Kathy Bates and Angela Bassett. He even managed to make Evan Peters awful. Still, it made sense to a degree for that particular season, so I give him a pass. Well, Freak Show comes along, and Evan is somehow shittier, a big percentage of the males are gay, Twisty is killed off too soon, and you are left with Dandy and Neil Patrick Harris’ characters, which is fine, but once again, most of the good roles are given to females. Being gay doesn’t mean that it’s a good role, as there are shitty gay roles. Season 5, they tried to bring things back. They developed a great male character is Liz, Evan had his best season, Wes Bentley was suddenly interesting, and…..well that was it, but that was an improvement. Still dominated by far more females, BUT at least 3 big male roles were awesome. Then this season. Aside from short roles from Cricket, Dr. Cunningham, and Sidney, where the fuck were the good male characters? The character of Matt sucked, and Dom was solid, but another short role. Pig Head had the best male role, which is saying loads for this terrible season. So 3 out of the past 4 seasons have been incredibly unbalanced while the other 3 were simply balanced, not male dominated, just balanced. I’m not making this stuff up, and I have presented my case. Murphy needs to get his head out of his dick and make AHS great moving forward. He knows how to. Can we get some hot lesbian action with nudity next season? I mean, we can show asses and we are supporters of the gay community, so let’s see some of that!!!! One of them can be Asian, that would add diversity. Let’s get these girls represented on screen Mr Murphy, unless you hate lesbians.
Do you think that the remaining, living Polk will play a role in the finale?
Melanie: The kids maybe, but not that dude or he will present himself as a changed person to get his kids back.
Cece: Maybe so. It would be cool.
Kelly: Yes I do. He could have died that last episode, but they let him go so he’s got to have some significance.
Stef: The thought has crossed my mind… maybe he’ll see Lee on t.v. and try to hunt that bitch down.
Kent: He should, BUT this season has been about huge, wasted opportunities. This isn’t even a huge opportunity. I will go with no. If you can’t find time to explain the various things that I will be bitching about 2 questions from now, then don’t tell me you have time on a wasted character. I like everything that the ladies above me suggested and I would happily steal from their ideas and claim that they were mine originally, but I don’t think it’s happening.
We have one more episode left, and we’ve seen the preview. Realistically, is there any way that we see Jessica Lange this season?
Cece: I don’t think so. But it is possible.
Kelly: I find it unlikely, but as always, I hold hope for next season.
Stef: Oh my gosh, I’m still hoping she’ll pop in there… even just for a few minutes.
Kent: If I say no now, it will make it look like I don’t know what hell I am talking about, but you know, I told you that Lee murdered Mason, I told you that Lee would be a far more sinister character than anticipated, and I told you that Lange and Taissa would be on this season. So yeah, we will get Lange. If I am wrong, I totally expect to get made fun of, and look forward to it.
Is there any unfinished business in your opinion, where you feel like you were left hanging, and with only one episode left, you are fearing that you won’t get closure on something?
Melanie: Is Lee still possessed? Will she be charged for anyone’s murder? Will they use any of the footage? (Kent: Technically she would have to be charged. We are seeing this found footage, and is being aired. So there’s no covering that up really, well there shouldn’t be, but I am dying for the inane technicality. Whether she is still possessed is a good question as I am curious if you have to be within for many feet to remain possessed. If not, why aren’t there more whackos out there?)
Cece: Somewhat. I was hoping for more character development this season, which didn’t happen much, due to people dying so quickly. (Kent: Character Development? What the hell is that? We’re doing a horror show where we have Taiwanese people crawling on the ceilings for no reason! And you love it!)
Kelly: Priscilla and Flora for sure as well as Dr. Cunningham. Oh, and the nurses too. I wish we had seen more of them. (Kent: Sigh……everything you just said…..sigh. That’s how they use the great Dennis O’Hare?)
Stef: Not really sure… I don’t think so. However, we never did get anymore back story about your girl Priscilla. (Kent: Priscilla went on to take over as the Supreme after Gaga wanted to go into semi-retirement. She also hates evil whores like her idol, the Butcher. But really, they couldn’t give us the final piece to her puzzle in something that could have taken as little as 30 seconds? I need to see Sarah Paulson and her fucking accent more instead of things that would have developed characters and told a richer story._
Kent: Oh gee, what a handsome question. Yeah, how about character development for one? How about who Priscilla’s father is? How about, why the hell are the Chen’s a bunch of creepy ceiling crawlers? Why is the one nurse an evil whore? Why was Dylan the first guy to check on the place? Why did we just waste Dr. Cunningham so quickly? Is anybody 100% with Pig Head’s overall story, or would you like to know why he did what he did? Oh, this last episode may touch on one of these topics if I’m lucky and then I will be left with a bunch of unanswered questions. That’s awesome. That’s really good, talented writing right there. But please, give me more Sarah Paulson because we have barely seen her this season.
On a personal note, I hate to admit this, but I have checked out of this season, but I am 90% through, so of course I am going to trudge through. I really hope that this last episode is amazing, and it would bring me great joy. I am cheering this show on. With that being said, I am a realist, and they supplied us with a solid first ¾ of a season and then it appears that they have flipped us off. I’m hoping for the best and expecting the worst, and I hate that feeling because this show is so good when it clicks together. When it doesn’t, it becomes the aspects of horror that I loathe. As a horror fan, this season is doing what so many bad horror films do. As of right now, I am not Kentertained!!! I’d rather watch Nightmare on Elm Street 2, the bad one, than to sit through more shitty episodes. So please, give your fans a great final episode. No, you know what, screw that. Give fans like me, who have proven to be loyal to a fault, an episode that makes me say that this ended up great. Make this cynic a believer again. From my perspective, you have won over my colleagues to various degrees. Now win over your legit horror fans who have sat through cliche after cliche waiting for that moment when it’s awesome. Also, anybody else remember those teasers before the season? We need to talk about those next week.
Thank you to Melanie, Cece, Kelly, Stef, and Russell Crowe. Without all of you, none of this would be possible.
All pictures used in this blog are for review purposes. They are the property of the FX Network, Ryan Murphy, and whoever else is involved.
Welcome ladies and….well probably just ladies, to the only AHS blog where people are asked copious amounts of questions, and we answer them. I’d like to proudly introduce my special lady friends who helped me out with this blog: Melanie, Cece, Kelly, and Stefanie. Glad to have you all back.
Well, this is an episode that we need to discuss. I think that this is the first time that I have heard the term twat used on cable TV. I have so many things to say, and rest assured, my girls here do too. Just know this, if you loved the episode, you are not alone. If you loathed this episode, you are not alone. I want to just discuss some things and get some varied opinions, which I guarantee. I talked with a few of the ladies during the show, and it seems like I am in the minority, but with this blog, as the only person with a penis, and the smoothest legs, I end up being the minority. This week, I wasn’t satisfied with just the typical 9 Deuce setup so that’s why we are giving you the 9 Deuce Deuce. Enjoy.
On a personal note, i downloaded a bunch of Stone Cold Steve Austin GIF’s to help describe things.
Ryan Murphy claimed that Jether Polk was “The most fucked up character of all time.” How do you feel about that proclamation after seeing this character this week?
Melanie: Fucked up meaning sad…no way. Fucked up meaning disgusting…not even close.
Cece: First off, from what I understand, Murphy said that this was specifically Finn Witrock’s most fucked up character. I don’t think he meant in general. But, I still don’t think I agree with that statement. Dandy Mott was a little shit and I loved to hate him. Maybe there’s more behind ol’ Jether toward the end? (Kent: Well, every source I have read suggests exactly what was written. Ryan Murphy wish he had this quote back because it was an out and out lie to hype up the show. Do a search for “ryan murphy most fucked up character” and you will find plenty of articles. I’ll provide links.)
Kelly: I don’t think he is! I actually felt bad for him. I liked the dynamic between Lee and Jether as they got to know each other. I’m sad he couldn’t be saved honestly because it seemed like he was out of place in the Polk family and could potentially be a functioning human being if he got away and got the right therapy/treatment.
Stef: Just like good ol’ “Crusty the clown” in Freak Show, I definitely wouldn’t go claiming he was the most ANYTHING sort of character. Fucked up & inbred, yes, but don’t hype it all up for us to be let down like that. (I’m glad I didn’t see/hear that statement before I watched the episode. I think they should just not make claims, and let us watch & decide.)
Kent: Are you fucking kidding me? This is a joke, right? I feel that we have seen 5-10 more fucked up characters in some sense throughout the franchise. Even Finn played one in Freak Show. This was strictly false hype to try to get viewers. Even if Jether makes more appearances, the bar is set so high that he would really have to push some limits. Are they truly copying TWD with bad hype mechanisms? TWD did the false Glenn death, the Daryl kill, and then the cliffhanger. SHAME!
We now know more about Pig Head. We know that he was Kinkaid Polk. We know the time frame that he was alive. Was he the same guy that Shelby saw in the woods in episode 2? If so, what the hell did he do? Give me some theories here if you have any because we still don’t have the full story.
Melanie: Ma Polk (shudder) and the youngest Polk (even bigger shudder) mentioned that Kinkaid Polk copied what the butcher did to her victims by putting a pig head on them before roasting them. That is what Shelby saw in the woods, one of The Butcher’s victims. (Kent: Well done!)
Cece: I honestly have no idea on what’s going on with him. I’m sure it was probably the same guy, but I barely remember the exact scene you’re referring to.
Kelly: I sadly can’t contribute to this question as I dont have a good answer about his character.
Stef: You mean the one Shelby saw in the woods over the fire?? I would say that was NOT Kinkaid, because didn’t the Polks say that the butcher stuffed a pig head on a man and roasted him to sort of pay homage to Kinkaid?? Or did I hear that all wrong?? (Kent: No, you’re right as well. I’m an idiot with zero short term memory.)
Kent: While I concur with what Melanie said and can’t say it any better, I will offer my wacky theory that Shelby made up what she saw in the woods based on information that was provided to her prior to filming. Let’s face it, all of these shows that the first half parodied are mostly a bunch of bullshit, so why wouldn’t this be the same? It’s just sensationalized.
Do you feel that they have left out important info on the Chen family?
Melanie: That they were apparently a family of gymnasts. (Kent: I laughed.)
Cece: This is also possible. I feel like they overlooked their story and just threw it in there quickly to add to Denis O’Hare’s stories. (Kent: I agree with that. Unfortunately, if that was the case and you needed more stories for Denis, which is the right decision, he could have told the story of the OG Pig Head or even about Kincaid. They could have left out the Chen’s as they haven’t really done anything. At least the nurses and Pig Head have kills.)
Kelly: They are a part of the season I forgot about… HAPPILY forgot about. I can’t even watch the scenes because they terrify me. The less I know and the less I have to see that family the better for me.
Stef: Ah yes! I almost forgot about the Chens! That would explain the creepy crawly things that look like they came out of “The Grudge”.
Kent: They have really dropped the ball here. The Chens seem like such a fascinating story. They had some important back stories to really delve into. The Chens are the creepiest of the characters to some, but have been treated worse than Priscilla. It’s not like Ju On existed when the Chens got got. We know that they moved into the house in 1973. We know that they came from Taiwan and nobody informed them of the house’s history. They were doing their best to adapt to American life. One girl, Amy I think, was scared by Pig Head and fell down the stairs and potentially hurt her arm. The Chen’s prayed and offered sacrifices to their gods, but it was Blood Moon season, so they got killed. The newspaper reported them missing. That is all I can find. These are the creepiest characters, and that’s the best that you can do? At least the nurses had a back story and have gotten a kill. The Chen’s deserve better! As you can see, even my esteemed colleagues are baffled. It’s not just me.
How do you feel about Lee admitting to killing Mason?
Melanie: We all knew it, so I guess validated? (Kent: Not everybody knew it, so don’t become a cocky jerk. Nah, join me in being a validated jerk! Yay, validation!)
Cece: I was honestly shocked. Was sort of rooting for her to be a better person.
Kelly: I see it. I wasn’t too sure in the beginning if she did it, being that there are many culprits who could have done it. It’s very reasonable though and I can see why Lee wanted to let her daughter know the truth so she could go on with her life knowing what really happened to both of her parents. (Kent: I like the reason for her admission. That was actually smart.)
Stef: I was disappointed, and a little shocked. I honestly didn’t believe she did it. But I still don’t think she was the one that strung him up like that. How could she have done it alone?? (Kent: I honestly believe that we are going to find out some stuff on Lee over the next 2 weeks. That bitch is sinister.)
Kent: I’m absolutely the kind of guy to say that I told you so because I’m a self-absorbed asshole. Yeah, I feel good to sit among the nay-sayers. I’ll tell you all something else, there is something more sinister to Lee’s character than we know. You won’t find that in any bullshit interview, you read it here first. You’re welcome.
Why did Audrey go for her ring first, once she was free, rather than killing Ma Polk?
Melanie: Because it was Rory’s gift to her.
Cece: It could have been of sentimental value to her and she wanted it back because Rory was dead.
Kelly: (Can I just add that I hate Frances got the reenactment version of Ma Polk instead of the real life version!) Instinct? The last remnant of her husband? That’s what I’d assume. (Kent: I agree, Frances should have been the real version!!! Exclamation points!!!)
Stef: Who knows. They’re traumatized & confused. It’s the only piece of her husband she has to hold on to right now I suppose. But I totally would’ve clubbed that bitch first. (Kent: With that response, you are allowed to survive with me.)
Kent: First of all, how were we getting all of the camera angles in the Polk’s place? We had some overhead shots. This is supposed to be found footage, right? Sorry for nitpicking, wait no I am not! These are supposed to be the real life people, so how are we able to see this footage. Is there a smart Polk that knows how to set up AV equipment?
To answer the real question, because bitches are dumb and don’t think practically. I want to say that it’s only in the films, but no, it’s real-life. Their priorities are completely inane at the most pertinent of times. Now this answer won’t win me any fans, and that’s fine. You kill first. You then arm yourself with as many useful things as possible. You then either execute a plan of attack, or fall back to where you can devise an appropriate, well thought out plan. If you get your ring, great, grand, wonderful. It sure as shit is pretty fucking meaningless if you’re dead because you’re a dumbass. Trust me, any guy who is reading this is nodding his head. In times of great danger, sentimentality will get you killed.
Why the hell didn’t Dom say anything when he heard Audrey and Lee return?
Melanie: adding suspense? (Kent: Yeah, that’s the TV Show reason.)
Cece: I honestly don’t know either. I think he was just burnt out and looked like he’d ‘seen some shit’. (Kent: I wish he had said that.)
Kelly: He just watched a woman he had intimate relations with slice her own throat and realized Sidney isn’t saving his “precious actor” ass. Shock, man. And he didn’t know what was the other side of that bathroom door. Even if it was Lee and Audrey, who knows if they were alone out there.
Stef: I know. I would’ve been freaked out & happy as hell to finally see them return, but he just sat there till they walked in the bathroom. I guess maybe it was done for suspense on the show’s part… keep us wondering for an extra minute or two if he’s still alive. (Kent: Yeah, suspense.)
Kent: Totally lazy writing. That is about as lazy as you can get. You are alone after dealing with that shit, first of all, you are going to be on your guard when hearing anybody come near. Secondly, if you recognized the voices, you’d get them in with you ASAP to add safety in numbers. As a matter of fact, had he acted in that manner, the dumbasses probably would have believed him when he told them what happened. This was the laziest bit of AHS since the final episode of Freak Show, which was trash!
Why was Dom such a pussy about being forced out of the room?
Melanie: He didn’t want to die.
Cece: Again, he was probably a bit traumatized by what was going on. Especially seeing Shelby kill herself right in front of him. He’s just an actor. He hasn’t gone through this shit much. (Kent: In all fairness, how many of us have sat in a bathroom of a haunted house with a white chick that you banged on the side, and watched her slit her throat hours after she bashed her ex-husband’s head in? Hands…..anybody? Just because he’s an actor doesn’t mean that he should lack common sense. I used to act, poorly. I still know enough to not be THAT dumb.)
Kelly: They’re in a house haunted by vicious ghosts and are being targeted by vengeful spirits… I’d want to stick together, too. He didn’t kill Shelby anyway even though he was being accused. They forced him out on allegations they didn’t know were true or false.
Stef: Omg! That pissed me off a bit. I know if I were him I would’ve been fighting for my life, and probably would’ve knocked Lee right the hell out if she didn’t believe me. (Kent: That’s the answer! Knock bitches out until you are safe.)
Kent: The real reason is quite simple. Lazy writing, yet again. The guy that just last week was talking about being the asshole of the group, now suddenly is a complete and utter bitch? No, they changed the character to suit the needs to get from point A to point Z. Unfortunately, they didn’t have Dom stay true to his character. He could easily have over powered both of those dumb bitches. He had the means to protect himself, and that’s how Dom would have reacted and been about himself as soon as they became aggressive towards him. So there you go, the truth.
Why were the women safe from attack while in the bedroom throughout the night?
Melanie: If they killed off everyone there would be no more episodes. (Kent: Real reason, preach.)
Cece: I think by the time they laid down, it was already starting to become morning and everything was stifled. (Kent: I think that is the most logical reason. Otherwise, lazy writing. I’m being generous and giving the benefit of the doubt though. Timing could have been an issue.)
Kelly: You got me! I thought for sure after Dom they’d be targeted. (Kent: That does seem logical does it not, dude?)
Stef: That’s what I can’t figure out. Pig man had been in the shower before, so why wouldn’t things come into the bedroom. I don’t recall any “spirit” attacks happening in the bedroom. ??? (Kent: Wasn’t Rory killed in a bedroom? I’m too lazy to look back to know for sure. But if it’s a bedroom thing, like a safe zone, that is intriguing.)
Kent: Yeah, I think it is potentially reasonable that time may have been on their side. With that being said, lazy writing yet again. All they had to do was show a shot of a clock after Dom’s death, or a shot outside of dawn. We know that Pig Head is pissed and just killed Dom, so there was no reason, no fucking reason why he didn’t come in there and kill Lee and Audrey. Logic fallacies are fun.
Why is Dylan the first person to check on the house? Shouldn’t there have been people trying to contact Sydney or pretty much anybody working on the set?
Melanie: Is it all made up? (Kent: That would be great! And then Jessica Lange wakes up as her character from Coven, Fiona, and Axe Man is all like “You were having one hell of a dream.” That is how I would end this season.)
Cece: He was probably supposed to do a gig for Sidney and be another scare actor to the plan of the weekend. He must have shown up late and stumbled into this fuckery. (Kent: That sounds like a reason that they could use, plus you used the term fuckery.)
Kelly: I hated the cliffhanger, gosh darn it! You give us the first interesting episode (in my opinion) and then leave us like that? Screw you, Murphy! You’d think more “staff” would be trying to get to the group but apparently either everyone involved died or didn’t find it necessary to bother them for the three nights. (Kent: You’re gosh darn right! Screw you Murphy! I just want to say it one more time. Gosh darn it!!! Ah.)
Stef: Right. I understand they’re out there a bit, but nearly everyone is dead now, and there’s been no one checking on them this whole time. Can’t anyone else see what’s being filmed right now?? (Kent: In the real world, yes, people would be running film back to be saved and uploaded for editing. There’s a lot of things that would be happening.)
Kent: I agree with what has been said. My issue is that we know that there are people who are supposed to be running the gags in the house, we know that there are supposed to be other crew. It’s lazy writing, yet again. Just give a reason why these people aren’t there. Maybe you should have done more than 10 episodes and filled in some gaps. That’s a crazy thought, I know.
Bonus Deuce Deuce
Do you believe in the even season curse? To elaborate, it is my belief that every odd season is a better season than any even season. Some may say that the even seasons, such as this, Freak Show, and Asylum were the low points in the AHS franchise.
Melanie: No. I think they have all been fantastic.
Cece: I don’t believe so. It all depends on everyone’s tastes. To me, Hotel and Freakshow were probably my favorite seasons. I need to re-watch Murder House, but I think I really like that one too.
Kelly: Yes. There were parts of Asylum that were worthy of remembering just like Freak Show, but overall I still love the odd seasons most. (Kent: I couldn’t have said it better in just one sentence. They were the oddities with some cool stuff every once in awhile, and the Name Game sequence, which I abhor, and I believe you love it.)
Stef: Yes, absolutely. They’ve definitely been the more terrible seasons.
Kent: Yeah, the curse is alive and well. Murder House, Coven, and Hotel were the 3 best seasons by most metrics, while Asylum had solid acting but forced too many things into a story that would have done better with less. Freak Show was just a fucking disaster on every level imaginable. So many holes in the ideology of it, it wasn’t even all that fun to watch aside from a few characters. It was the worst roles for Evan, Jessica, Denis, Emma, Matt, and even Angela. So how in the hell is Freak Show not complete shit again? Honest question, because aside from the setting, Finn, Neil Patrick Harris, Michael Chiklis, John Carroll Lynch, and Sarah Paulson, it was not good.
Who will be missed more: Shelby or Dom?
Melanie: Eh…either/or would have been fine.
Cece: Shelby. Dom was an ass.
Kelly: Shelby, even though I’m not a super fan of her anyway. Dom was an idiot and disposable.
Stef: I personally will miss Dom more. Shelby was too blah… Sulky & kinda whiny.
Kent: Dom, obviously. We don’t need more women killing bitches. We need guys who do work. Dom was not an ass. He was smart up until he got forced out of the room. Big fucking difference. This is why guys get called assholes. Fact. I also really enjoyed Cuba in this role.
Will Dom or Matt return from the dead to get revenge?
Melanie: Maybe Dom, if he is really dead. Matt is happy to be with his bit of strange. (Kent: Points for using the term strange in an appropriate manner!)
Cece: I’m not quite sure. Dominic may come back for the girls, but the person who killed Matt is now dead too…
Kelly: Possibly but none of the others have, like Rory or Sidney or even Edward. Not even Kathy’s character has shown up after her death. (Kent: Didn’t Edward make a brief appearance last week when the 3 girls were trying to escape through the tunnel? You bring up a point that hasn’t really been brought up. Is there a time frame from date of death to when you can revisit as a spirit/ghost? This is horror, and the only way horror can thrive is with established rules damnit. You don’t put Rory in direct light. You don’t get Monet wet. You sure as hell don’t feed Lee after midnight. I like Gremlins.)
Stef: Maybe Matt will step in to help save his sister. Who btw is CRAZY for wanting to go back to the Polk house to try to retrieve the video. I’m sure she wants to be rid of it incase she lives, so that Flora (and the police) don’t see her confession, but c’mon now… Is just worry about staying alive. (Kent: Following every standard set in horror, all of these irrational actions lead me to believe that Lee will be the last one when she kills Audrey or Monet last.)
Kent: While I would love to see Matt return, with Shelby dead, it reduces that possibility. We still can’t discount him being in a trance under The Witch and doing her bidding. Dom, I hope he gets revenge and kills Audrey and Lee. After that, I don’t care if it’s Monet or Wes Bentley’s guy who lives. Either is acceptable, but Audrey and Lee deserve to die. I still think that we will see more sinister behavior from Lee, so she is now the clear cut front runner to survive. She has a wound, so that fits a lot of horror clichés. Don’t be surprised when Lee kills off one of the remaining girls.
Why did you love or hate this episode?
Melanie: I liked it. I didn’t have super strong feelings about it.
Cece: I loved seeing Finn’s sick character. And I liked how the girls got away.
Kelly: Shit happened for once. It’s tying together.
Stef: This is too many bonus questions, Kent. I was satisfied with the episode. Didn’t hate it, but didn’t LOVE it because I would’ve liked to see some things go differently… like Dom’s death annoyed me. Ya know?? (Kent: I will attempt to keep it to the usual number of questions this upcoming week because editing all of this shit takes more time, and I know it keeps you up.)
Kent: I HATED this episode and has made me not give a fuck about the last 2 episodes in all sincerity. It is such a shame. The first half was some of the best stuff that AHS has ever offered us, and then it shit the bed in glorious fashion. The lazy writing, the logical fallacies, the choices that these stupid bitches made, make this episode a grueling thing to sit through. It was indefensible, from my perspective. I know these ladies will tell you otherwise, and if you are reading this, you are most likely a female, as that is the target demographic, and you are probably agreeing with the ladies, and that’s fine. Just try to think about all of the points that I have brought up, really consider them piece by piece, and think about why so many things happened. Take your fangirl glasses off, and analyze it. This episode is the embodiment of lazy horror writing. I have seen this sort of shit happen all too often, and it is very mind numbing, and it is cookie cutter shit. Horror at it’s finest is something that invokes a “what would you do in this situation” thought process. When you watch horror, you think about that at some point and then make fun of the poor decisions. That is the premise of the Scream franchise in a sense. The whole second half was one big bad decision, minus the fun factor, so more like Scream 3. I really am not looking forward to Wednesday’s episode other than to get it done with and hope for some redemption with a Priscilla or Chen’s story arc.
I need to insult people one last time. As of 8:05AM on Monday November, 7, 2016 EST, The top 3 rated episodes per IMDB as voted by the fans are 1) Chapter Six w/ 9.1 Rating, 2) Chapter Seven w/ 9.0 Rating, 3) The Name Game from Asylum w/ 9.0. Here’s a sadder thing, the top 11 Episodes per ratings are from the even seasons. Fucking idiots that rate there, mainly millennials and pompous film people who thing because they took a film class in college, that means that they somehow get things deeper. Fucking people. Back of my hand.
All pictures used in this blog are for review purposes. They are the property of the FX Network, Ryan Murphy, and whoever else is involved.
Welcome ladies and gentlemen. I just gotta say, wow. They tried to outdo the Walking Dead with the death count this week. You know who the winner is? We, the fans. This is fantastic. I always have these vague references to dudes with lots of women, and then I consider who my target demographic is and realize that nobody would get the reference, and it makes me sad. Anyway, I am joined by 4 ladies again this week because chicks dig the dolphin smooth look. I will say thank you to Melanie, Cece, Stef, and Kelly this week. The way this goes is simple. I ask 9 episode specific questions and then 2 bonus questions that can be anything AHS related. I provide plenty of typos and grammatically incorrect questions, and we some fun. Thank you for reading, and thank you ladies for the help!
Please feel free to leave your own questions or comments in the comment section. For example, tell me one person who will be dying this upcoming episode. Also, was the Priscilla in the opening 5 seconds of the episode?
P.S. Sometimes the formatting messes up and the answers are not the way that they should be. If you notice any errors, feel free to yell at me. My apologies to Kelly as I already botched her #5 response. If others are fucked up, let me know.
Who is the most interesting character now that we have had a massacre?
Cece: I am starting to be more interested in Shelby now. She must be feeling so much shit.
Stef: I think this leaves Dominic as the most “interesting”, after his confession about why he came back to do the show. (Kent: He would have been my answer had Finn not been in this week’s episode. I really dug his confessional.)
Kelly: It’s going to have to be Lady Gaga because they’ve already revealed that she is the original Supreme and we need some more info on that. (Kent: Yeah, that commercial for her new album was…something. Shame that we haven’t seen her in a couple of weeks now.)
Kent: It would be incredibly cliche for me to say Pig Head or Priscilla at this point, and although Dom really raised the bar this week, the obvious answer is Finn’s character that we caught briefly glimpses of this week.
What’s up with Matt? He claimed to have not remembered his first encounter with Gaga. We now know that he remembers stuff and fell for her. Yet, he was still a dick to Shelby and Dominic. What do you make of Matt now?
Melanie: This is reason he came back. He remembered his encounters and couldn’t get enough of that crazy! (Kent: Some dudes are just drawn to crazy chicks. I cannot relate in the least bit.)
Cece: I still think he is being possessed, or rather, unwillingly enslaved and in debt to her character.
Stef: Yeah, that was rather confusing. How do you NOT remember things that happened in the woods, but you came back for her because you’re in love with her?? Doesn’t make any sense. Maybe he was still “entranced” when he said that?? Doesn’t matter now, because Shelby bashed the SHIT out of his “non-recollecting” skull.
Kelly: The only thing I can assume is that she had him in a trance of some sort. Maybe she found out he was back and came to see him again. It doesn’t seem likely he’d come back for her if he really forgot their first encounter. He shouldn’t remember her, which makes sense as to why he was resentful towards Shelby’s affair. What do I make of Matt now? Well, orange juice because he’s pulp. *cue finger guns*
Kent: OK, while I think that he was in a trance based on how he was walking when he got up and went to the basement, I will just go in a different way. Matt was just playing both sides. He was playing the whole “I’m possessed” bit while pounding some sweet Witch strange. He claimed that, and then he acted all pissed off and defiant about the Shelby thing so he could act the victim and be portrayed in the media as a victim. He was playing that well. Kudos!
Were you disappointed by no big name returns this week, or were you satisfied with the episode?
Melanie: Happy to see Finn Wittrock back! Let’s be happy for small favors, lol.
Cece: I’m not sure honestly. I’m still in tune regardless.
Stef: I found this episode incredibly intriguing, but seeing more familiar faces would’ve made it more fun.
Kelly: No one wants in on this contract.
Kent: It appears that had I waited a day or 2, I could have read that we had 1-3 big names return, so I come off looking like a jackass. Good times.
I will probably keep asking this question, sorry for redundancy, but are you sticking with your lone survivor prediction, or are you picking somebody new?
Melanie: I still think it is Lee. She will be without a leg, but yes.
Cece: I may choose someone new due to this episode. My first choice just got turned into jerky. Sooo, I’d say maybe Dominic?
Stef: Well, Lee was my lone survivor prediction, but uhhhhh…. ??? She’s at least missing parts now. Maybe it’ll be Dominic.
Kelly: If I stay with one, Shelby (Lily). But at this point you killed off half the damn cast! Who cares who lives!
Kent: Well I predicted not one, but 2 people last week in saying that it was either Rory or possibly Sidney. Well, once again, looking like a jackass. Since I don’t like Lee, I’ll say Lee and hope that the Polks have a big appetite. I am absolutely cheering on Dom though.
Pick one: A) Lee was smart for having a gun. B) Lee was a dumbass for not bringing more ammo.
Melanie: Option B…you always need more ammo.
Cece: I say both. She did waste most on Edward Mott though. (Kent: I say pick one. You are disqualified.)
Stef: OMG, B!! Obviously!! Shit.
Kelly: Lee was a dumbass for not bringing more ammo. They didn’t know what they were dealing with! And she should have know out of that trio since she lived through it!
Kent: B is the right option. When you watch what I watch, you learn a few things. You don’t shoot your enemy just once. You shoot them at least twice, and one bullet should be for their head. Secondly, you never just hit your assailant just once. You hit until their head is goo. You should also wear a leather jacket and a baseball bat with a female name, but that’s just outrageous and nobody would ever do that.
Did Lee, Audrey, and Monet make the right decision, in theory, not utilizing hindsight, in venturing out to find Sidney instead of just going to town? Town is an hour and a half to 2 hour walk depending on pace and getting lost. Sidney’s trailer should be relatively close, so keep that in mind.
Melanie: Whatever they chose, they would have gotten caught.
Cece: I think maybe they should have headed to town, but no one really knew what they were gonna find out at the trailer.
Stef: I wouldn’t have wanted to wander around in those woods, knowing it was going to get dark soon, and potentially end up lost. Trying to find Sidney’s trailer just seemed like the obvious/smarter move.
Kelly: I think IF I were in that scenario I’d likely choose the trailer first. I feel like that’s instinct to go to the nearest thing first.
Kent: Knowing what I know, I find the road. I do not walk on the road. I walk close to the road while being in the woods. I keep going until I find a house that looks civilized and take my chances. Why? If I’m ever in a situation with some killers, they have probably watched the same shit that I have and are waiting to ambush me in the easiest and most likely places to get me. So zig when they are zagging and you may survive. None of my contributors would live, sorry ladies.
Would you have eaten some Lee flesh if put in the same position as Audrey and Money were put in by the Polks?
Melanie: Hell no!
Cece: Not much of a choice…
Stef: Oh god, I don’t know. If that were a REAL situation, I may have already been puking.
Kelly: I don’t think the Polks really care about money… They lived off the land, remember? 😛 (Kent: Sigh….well played. I am notorious for my typos.)
Kent: Sure, why not? I’m not saying that I am totally psyched about Ma Polk’s seasoning, but if prepared properly, it seems more enticing. I also just watched 6 Wrong Turns last night, so don’t judge me. Also, Pa Polk should have been played by Sid Haig.
Is Evan Peters really, only to be in 2 episodes, minus his brief cameo in the tree? If you think that he will be on in one of the 3 final episodes, tell me how, or under what scenario.
Melanie: Yes! All people who die on the property come back under the blood moon, right? So…we will see all of the dead back. I think that the people who died from the documentary will come to help the living. Besides Matt, who is going to kill Shelby. (Kent: I really like everything that you just said there and am jelly that I didn’t think about that first.)
Cece: Maybe his character, since he died there, will return as a ghost? Not sure honestly. I think this may be the end of him.
Stef: I don’t like to try to predict these things… would rather be surprised.
Kelly: Let me restate this from last week…
*in a Drew Carey voice* “Welcome back to Coven, where we throw away a flourishing actor’s potential!”
Kent: Whatever I say, it’s going to be wrong somehow. SO I’m just going to say no more Evan in hopes of him coming back.
What has been your favorite death in this half of a season: Diana, Rory, Alissa, Sidney, Matt, or Agnes?
Cece: Matt’s was sick!
Stef: I did love watching Agnes bow in front of the Butcher to get her face axed, but Matt’s death was completely shocking!
Kelly: Matt… Strictly because of the irony of TWD just a few nights prior!
Kent: I liked Agnes’ best, because it felt sincere. She finally got to meet her hero, so that’s the way to go. Matt’s, well 3 nights prior, I saw how that death happens, and how it was done better. Had there been man ass or had we seen more of the Witch, I could have been inclined to change my answer. I’m really sad that nobody chose Rory’s hilarious death. I can’t tell if AHS is just ripping off Walking Dead or paying homage at this point. First, they mentioned them by name in last week’s opening. Secondly, their star is actually British. Finally, they head bashed in death knowing full well which week TWD was doing theirs. I’m still hoping homage, but they should probably stop. If somebody starts using a crossbow though, and then I’m calling out AHS.
This is Cuba Gooding Jr.’s best role since _____ (name the role and or film, unless this is his best in your opinion)?
Melanie: Especially loved him in Jerry Maguire.
Cece: I haven’t watched in much, honestly. Last thing I remember seeing him in is ‘Snow Dogs’ honestly. Lmfao.
Stef: I’m not a huge movie buff… I’m no good at answering this.
Kelly: Snow Dogs! He’s been in so many other noteworthy films since then, but that’s always the first one I associate with his name.
Kent: Boyz n the Hood. That movie brought a new light on a culture that wasn’t terribly prominent in big films at the time. That movie is still one of my favorites, as is Menace II Society.
With only 3 episodes remaining, will we get more on Priscilla or Pig Head’s back story, or do you think that they have moved on at this point?
Melanie: Neither. Sorry Kent…you will never know more about Priscilla.
Cece: I believe we will see more of Priscilla’s. Not sure about Piggy.
Stef: I’m really kind of thinking/hoping that Pricilla will step in to help someone, somehow. So MAYBE they’ll give us a little more story on her.
Kelly: Pig Head we’ll at least see again due to next week’s preview, but not sure about any origin stories being told this time around. I have an inkling Murphy’s “secret season” that’s in the works might be a bonus to this one since we’ve gotten crap for 7 episodes straight and this season is mysteriously only 10 episodes long.
Kent: On one hand, there’s only 3 episodes to go and we still have some major players to introduce into the fold. On the other hand, they just massacred half of the damn cast, so they did open up some time in theory for some backstory. I feel that we will get one and not the other, and as much as Pig Head has been my boy all season long, I need to know more about Priscilla.
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And we are at the final chapter for now, and my goodness, this girl is totally nude and has a fantastic body. So the story is that Danny gains an inheritance, which is this old hotel with hot springs, established in 1902. The caretakers are a tad odd, Jackson and Sally. We also know the cannibals have to be around somewhere. Jackson is in on it with the cannibals, so Sally probably is too. Jillian is an obnoxious piece of shit, so she will presumably die early on. Jackson just gave our 3 boys the business, and said to leave Danny and company alone. Wait, Toni runs normal, not like a girl in a horror flick. I am amazed.
I just finished, and this had a different director than 3,4 & 5, and it shows. This one had a story again. That is nice. This one wasn’t just an outrageous kill fest. This one went deeper into the roots of the family. This was actually a fun movie that you could enjoy the story. Sure, it’s far from flawless, but there was some substance here, thankfully. This evolved nicely. I know that some people hated this, and the same can be said for all of them. A lot of people preferred 4 over 3 and 5. Morons aside, this left me wanting more. I stopped wanting more but now I am ready to go if we can ever get a part 7.
Rating – 5.1 as I think I would watch this one again. The chick in teh beginning was amazing, lots of gratuitous nudity, the kills were fun, and I liked Danny’s evolution as a character.
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Well this has to be an improvement over part 4 and illogical fallacies of the decision to not kill when you have them trapped. Fuck you film, you aren’t winning me over with tits this time. After the guy kills Kaleen in the beginning, why is his axe clean seconds later? How the fuck does the bow and arrow guy fire off 2 shots less than 2 seconds apart? Why did the officer shoot first? Who keeps paying for these movies to be made?
So far, this is infinitely better than part 4 and part 3 for that matter. I like the idea of people dressed like the hillbillies for Halloween. More importantly, I like having Doug Bradley involved. OK, Lita is getting the water ready for her shower and the water is cold, so she sticks her hand in there, and say “Ow”. What the hell? Is cold water painful to your hand? The sheriff lady is dumb as fuck as well. Lita, you are the worst in this movie. Your game plan is to hit an intruder once in the head and then run? Seriously? Fucking finish the job! OK, and what is the point in them taking sledgehammers to Gus’ legs? Aren’t they supposed to be cannibals? Aren’t you just ruining the meat? OH, they ran him over after. Once again, what is the point? HAHA, she has deputized Billy, Julian, and Mose to make it through the night and gave them shotguns. Oh, I am Kentertained. And then she leaves them after saying not to split up. This is just insulting to the viewer’s intelligence. 35-40 minutes remaining. Ugh. I should be drinking. The guys in the jail hear her fire a shot, and they decide to not go check it out. Wow…. just wow. Lita has made it to the Sheriff station.
Billy and Julian are now leaving to find Cruz, and leaving 2 women, a drunk, and Pinhead at the station. Smart. Well they find Cruz and get attacked, as expected. Both guys deserve to die. Haha, Billy is buried up to his neck on a soccer field, and Julian has a chain attached to his leg. Oh, here comes the sweet snow blower and both guys get got. Sheriff is going to send Mose out for help. Maynard is still trying to get himself set free. Lita wants to set Maynard free to end this, but Sheriff is stubborn. So Sheriff and Mose are outside. Smart. Well, Mose is driving, so probably somebody is in the backseat, because this is horror. Mose runs over the barbed wire and totally crashes. Of course. It sucks because Mose and Maynard are clearly the 2 best characters, and we know Mose isn’t surviving, we’ve known this all along. They lock Mose into a barrel, and i believe that they intend to roast him. Mose just got burned and then exploded. Oh, Maynard has convinced Lita to let him out. Good for him. Haha, she did it, he did it. Hahahahahahahaha, He just took out both of Lita’s eyes, has a gun, and Sheriff shot him. Haha, fuck you Lita. Sheriff locks him back up. I am so happy with Maynard now. Lita stayed right on top of her but she wasn’t fast enough to pull the trigger. Sheriff is no going outside for help and hears her boyfriend, Jason, and he has tape over her mouth, ropes attached to the door, he shakes his head no so she continues opening up the door, which cuts open his torso and he dies. Three Fingers just beat the shit out of Sheriff. Hey, what a surprise, the 2 dumbest bitches are the final survivors. Why?
Good, Maynard has duct tapes a shotgun to the Sheriff’s mouth and it is rigged so that when she gets off of her tip toes, she will execute herself. OH, and an added bonus, lights the jail on fire. Good. She deserved it for being a moron. So long Sheriff. Good job Maynard! Since this takes place before the original Wrong Turns, Maynard is actually the Old Timer from parts 1 & 2. Nice job with continuity. Maynard and the boys pick up Lita walking the on the road. Haha.
Rating – 4.0 back to what I expected from this franchise. Some insulting your intelligence stuff, but nothing so awful that you want to murder shit. Maynard really made this movie. I would consider watching this again, gun to my head.
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Well, why not enjoy a direct to video sequel, right? 4 minutes in, and a guy says wrong turn. Sold. Also, Kimberly was listening to Electric Avenus on the radio as she runs over a dude. It’s 7 minutes in and painfully obvious why this is a direct to video film. The intestines…don’t look that great.
On the plus side, Henry Rollins is in this and he’s like a retired military dude who is a survivalist expert who is hosting a shitty reality show called Ultimate Survivalist: Apocalypse. Yay, we have a token black dude and the sex kitten. This has potential. The skateboard dude was hitting on a chick about trying to get laid and told her that he’d give her something to choke on. So I am trying to figure out who wins and survives, and I am guessing Mara. I need to get some names again. Jake is the black dude. Jonesy is the skateboard guy. Nina is the hot vegan with bright blonde highlights, and her hair looks terrible. Mara is Mike’s woman who was never supposed to be a contestant. Amber is the military chick, and a lesbian. Poor Jonesy. Elena is the flirty whore. There, that’s established. Rollins got captured by the way.
So far, Mara is the most likable person, unless Elena gets nude, then that’s ups her game. Annnnd there is Elena’s tits!!! Fantastic. She will die, I’m sure, but good for her. Jake keeps turning her down because he’s a good dude, but Elena is a whore so she’s gonna give Mike a BJ to stay relevant on the show. Fabulous. Hahaha, and Mara sees Mike getting the aforementioned BJ. Awesome!
Mara and Nina end up at one of the house, see a lady give birth to a very deformed baby, and they escape the house surprisingly well. And Mara is dead and there goes that prediction. So next prediction is Nine as Amber is too obvious. Haha, classic dick move, Mike wants to keep getting laid a secret because he feels that Mara is the one. Yeah, the one who died first. Haha, inbred jacking it to Elena tanning and she has a sweet ass. Oh, and she dead. Nina is now with Jonesy, Jake, and Amber, who have been unknowingly eating Kimberly this whole time. Also, Mike got captured in the RV. Haha, Rollins killed the old timer from the original by blowing him up with dynamite. It was fun. The 4 person group found the horny one and his bitch fucking, and they interrupted. Nina took off and the other 3 stayed and fought then ran. YES, the 3 decide to split up. This always works in horror movies, and Nina is trapped. She fell into a pit, but Jake saved the day, and then dislocated his bad shoulder.
Rollins is making dynamite arrows. Fantastic. He’s had the best role. Amber and Jonesy are struggling and Jonesy just stepped into a trap that has hoisted him into the air. Amber goes to save him, Jonesy tells her to run, but she steps into a trap too. Haha. Oh man, one arrow through both of their eyes. Well done! Take that Denise from Walking Dead! What is up with lesbians getting an arrow through the eye? We are down to Nina, Jake, Mike, and Rollins. Nina and Jake make it to the paper mill and I will assume most of the rest of the film stays here. Mike is dead, Jake had a bad time, Nina is captured, and Rollins is on the hunt. Well, yeah, this dragged the last 15 minutes or so, and Rollins got a sweet death. The black guy lived, as did Nine, but the black guy fucking lived!!!! Woohoo!
This was never meant to be anything other than fun, and while it was fun, I would have enjoyed them including more of the challenges for the TV show. Why they would pick a location without scouting it first, well that’s just a thing that they would do. It was a nice mix of characters, and I honestly expected worse from this. Would I watch it again? I’m going to guess no, but maybe.
Rating – 4.5 because it was a fun movie that kept me entertained most of the way until the end. It wasn’t turrible.
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This movie has spawned a ton of sequels. Since I am digging this season of American Horror Story, a franchise about some backwoods folk seems reasonable. We are dealing with some mountain men cannibals who are mutated from generation of inbreeding. Sound familiar? Yeah, thought so. So kick back and enjoy.
I don’t remember much other than Jeremy Sisto and Eliza Dushku are in this, and I love Sisto, and that he dies early. That’s what I recall. I never under Eliza’s appeal. She doesn’t stand out to me I guess. There’s nothing wrong with her, I simply remember that she was very popular for a bit, and I never understood the hype. The chick playing Carly is wearing sweatpants, that’s just….terrible. Of course Sisto’s sunflower necklace is terrible too. Like everybody looks like tools is my point. I think that adds to this film though to be honest. Francine is the absolute worst character, so you know that early on, good stuff happens to her. Her boyfriend Evan gets it first, then she gets barbed wire to her face. Awesome. This is a movie where you absolutely want every character to die.
Sisto doing the “Can I get an oooo oooo” is great. Well, so far, Evan and Francine are fucked. Chris has joined Jessie, Carly, and Scott, and they make it to a house that nobody is answering the door, and a Deliverance reference. Oh, and Carly has to pee. Like serious, you are on in the woods, you know what to do. At the 26 minute mark, we get a…..record player. Seriously. This place is well designed, so props to the production crew on this. I love it, they find her the bathroom. She has been whining about needing to piss for a few minutes now. So she is in the bathroom, and she looks in the mirror, fixes her hair, looks around….like bitch, you had to piss so bad, keep wasting time in this house that you are trespassing in. Back of my fucking hand.
They finally decide to bail just as the people are pulling in the driveway. I say you just walk out and say that you were looking for some help while all 4 of you are together. You take your chances rather than hiding. Now they see Francine’s dead body on the ground, and I stand by my idea. Strength in numbers! Eliza, you breathe too heavily, dumbass. So if they had ever seen a horror movie in their lives, they would know to walk the the way that you came from, because that is the known. You don’t go in a stranger’s house. You piss in the woods. There, I just saved everybody’s life, but am willing to sacrifice Francine and Evan for the good of the cause. They go to leave while the guys are sleeping, so let’s make as much noise as humanly possible. Love it.
I now recall why this movie irritated me. 2 of the 3 last people are Carly, who exhibits zero common sense or survival skills, and Jessie who breathes heavy and makes so much fucking noise as to draw attention to her and anybody else trying to hide. She really fucks the group over, and that shit is not fair. The whole thing is cool and yet the outcome is bullshit. Just let it be realistic. Chris is a dude with a shot leg and is still more useful than the girls. You want equal rights and equal pay, but in a horror movie, women rarely ever step up to the plate in an reasonable way that would help others survive.
Rating – 5.1 as I think I have seen this like 5 times…..5 begrudgingly bad times.
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We’re back again. This week, I am joined by Tom and Stef. We are here to talk about Chapter 3 of My Roanoke Nightmare. It was a solid episode. I hope you enjoy!!!! Please leave a comment, answer some questions, ive me your take on some of these things.
Yes, Mason did die, as we speculated last week. Who killed him?
Tom: I’m gonna guess by the way that he was found, the Butcher. It seems like the obvious choice to me.
Stef: It’s an easy assumption to say it was Kathy Bates & her clan, but maybe there’s more to it. I don’t believe it was Lee at all… I don’t think she’s physically big enough to pull that off.
Kent: Lee, she was on camera, probably in a trance.
Is Lee innocent in all of this? Matt saw her on the security camera, and she has a poor track record of keeping an eye on her children.
Tom: Yes, she is innocent because they keep painting her into a corner and I think that’s going to be the big turnaround.
Stef: I don’t think she’s intentionally done anything. Possibly, like we saw with Matt, she was under some sort of trance.
Kent: No, I repeat, she killed Lee as she had mom/trance strength. It’s like mentally handicap strength.
Are we led to believe that over the 72 hours that they were looking for Flora, now nothing creepy happens in the house? Will we find out that something did happen over those 72 hours?
Tom: I’m gonna say no. I think that time period is covered as police presence was there, which may have covered anything, aside from stuff in the woods.
Stef: This question is going to force me to think too much… don’t know how to answer this. lol
Kent: No, shit happened, and yet, we will probably never see it. It’s a means of convenience.
What’s up with the 2 feral boys? Who are they, make up their background story.
Tom: They are not born into the Polk family, but we shall find out that they may have been kidnapped as orphans, or maybe left orphans by the last residents of the house.
Stef: Maybe they belong to Gaga’s character… her children somehow.
Kent: They are related to the Polk’s. They could very well be inbred and the mom left them out in the woods and one of the ghosts/Gaga have been helping them out.
Is Cricket to be trusted?
Tom: I think yes, he seems to be on the side of good despite being a tad sleazy on the side of money.
Stef: I think so. I think he’s mostly in it for the money, but I think he’ll be helpful.
Kent: Sure, I mean, just look at him. And I think the asking price was reasonable all things considering.
Did Shelby really see Matt? Was it Matt, or some mindfuck?
Tom: I think it was Matt in a trance that he doesn’t remember.
Stef: Like I referred to before, I think he was in some sort of trance. They’re trying to break the bond between Matt, Shelby, & Lee to drive them out of there.
Kent: Yeah, I have tried to come up with ways around it, but no, it was Cuba plowing Gaga’s sweet, round behind. Good for him!
Who, or what, is Lady Gaga’s character?
Tom: She’s some kind of forest spirit or demon because she is the one who gives the bitcher the heart in the woods.
Stef: I don’t know what I think about that yet – definitely spiritual though, not human.
Kent: I consider her like the devil on the Butcher’s shoulder, like they show in cartoons. Also, she is the devil.
Will AHS try to answer the significance of the carving of the word Croatoan?
Tom: Absolutely, it’s been said in the episode multiple times. Just based on what Cricket has said, he knows the truth of the story, so it’s gotta be revealed at some point.
Stef: I think eventually they’ll have to tie it in somehow.
Kent: Yes, they will try like hell to make something up.
Will we find out who Priscilla’s mom is?
Tom: Yes, we definitely have to find out for backstory alone. I have no guesses who it is yet.
Stef: I’m assuming we’ll get some history on her sooner, or later. I don’t have a speculations that come to mind at this point though.
Kent: Yeah, and we will get clarification on the mom. At one point I even considered the Butcher to be the mom, and she was raped, but that’s just not the tone that they presented. I’ll go one step further and suggest that Priscilla’s mom is Kate Mara or Taissa Farmiga. BAM!
What do you really think happened, historically, to the lost settlers, in the real world?
Tom: I think they did move, but not necessarily inland as the ocean was too valuable a resource, so probably south to warmer climates. I do think something major had to have happened to kill them off, possibly with the Inidans.
Stef: I don’t think I paid attention well enough during that whole thing, or there’s something I missed… I’m not sure.
Kent: Andre Linoge happened. If you have seen Stephen King’s Storm of the Century, you know that he made the settlers walk in to the ocean and drown one by one as they didn’t appease him with their offering. This is all fact.
Is Jessica Lange actually returning for this season? Is Taissa Farmiga also returning?
Tom: At this point in time for a character of Lange’s ability to show up. As for Taissa, it’s also a no.
Stef: I have a feeling Jessica is going to pop up, which excites me. I don’t know why she would’ve been on that magazine cover otherwise. And gosh, I haven’t thought about Taissa in a while! It’d be nice to see her face again.
Kent: Yes and yes. Who writes these questions? Also Mare Winningham, Zachary Quinto, Connie Britton, Dylan McDermott, Adam Levine, Precious, Pepper, Danny Huston, Jamie Brewer, a Cromwell, and Chloe Sevigny.
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