Texas Chainsaw 3D (2013)

Oh no, not another horror film trying to capitalize on the lure of 3D.  Seriously, it’s a ridiculously long, and by and large, bad list of horror films.  To try to make sense of this one, you have to forget every sequel and remake.  This gets rid of all of that and is a direct follow up to the 1974 film.  Confused?  Yeah, I imagine so were many other people.  Then there is the questionable casting of Trey Songz.  He wasn’t a good pick and I know that horror has a fine lineage of hip hop stars in horror films, but he wasn’t very good.  It wasn’t even his fault, but they made his character pretty shitty with not much to work with, if we are being completely honest.  Scott Eastwood is a capable actor, but he wasn’t given much to work with either.  They did bring back Gunnar Hansen, Marilyn Burns, and Bill Moseley from the past, and that was a cool thing.  Anyway, let me do up a synopsis with some spoilers and then my final thoughts and rating.

 

SPOILERS

 

This movie starts with the town getting vengeance on the Sawyer clan and burn their farmhouse down.  This is led by Mayor Burt Hartman.  It very much reminds me of the shoot out at the beginning of Devil’s Rejects.  This was a fun start.  A lady has a baby, Edith Rose Sawyer, and she gets shot, so Gavin and Arlene take the baby in and treat it as their own,  So like 20 years later, we are in present day.  We meet our group of jackass young people: Heather (Alexandra Daddario), Ryan (Trey), Nikki, and Kenny.  On top of that, they pick up a hitchhiker….yes, for reals, and his name is Daryl (Scott Eastwood).  Heather finds out that she is adopted by the way and gets all pissy at her folks.  She meets up with the lawyer, Farnsworth, played by the great Richard Riehle.  Heather has inherited a house from her aunt Verna, and Farnsworth keeps telling her to read the letter that comes with it, but Heather is a dumbass.  Seriously, you get a free house, maybe you should read the fucking letter.  

Anyway, Daryl tries stealing while everybody else is out shopping for food and supplies.  Well Daryl gets got by Leatherface.  As you can imagine, people get systematically killed.  This time though, There’s Leatherface and Mayor Hartman who just has a hate on for the Sawyers.  This gets a tad convoluted along the way as Heather learns of her family history.  At the end, when all of her people are dead, the Mayor and his cronie are about to put Leatherface in a grinder, but Heather saves Leatherface’s life.  He is now her protector and they fuck up shit.  This part was a feel good moment, although you are left to sympathize with the murderous Sawyers…I think.  I don’t know anymore.  There was a good story here, but too much bullshit to be truly happy.  Then the tacky addition of 3D does make for a less memorable experience.

Also, there’s a great post credits scene where Heather’s parents come to try to cash in, and Heather ain’t having any of that so they meet Mr. Leatherface.

 

End Film

 

Final Thoughts – I loved how they tied this to the original.  I really enjoyed that aspect.  I didn’t need all of the filler.  I know that filler was needed.  Unfortunately, they tried to make the Sawyer’s sympathetic, and I am unsure if that was smart.  This isn’t Devil’s Rejects where we followed them on this story and journey.  Technically, the journey was the original and that isn’t gonna make you like them much.  I’d be thrilled if we don’t get a 3D horror film for another 10-20 years.  They almost always suck huge donkey dick.  If you want a different take on the story, which is what all of the modern films seem to be about, you could do worse.  Just know that the acting is lackluster after the opening house burning.

Rating: 5.1 Mainly because I want to watch this after the original to see if I get more from this perhaps.  I wish it did better with the group’s characters.  

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Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)

I feel that this movie gets the shaft when discussing the OG’s of slashers.  Everybody has this odd proverbial hard on for Carpenter’s Halloween, and I have always favored this film instead.  Plus it came out years ahead of it’s time.  We also lost director Tobe Hooper this year, so let’s do this in honor of him.  We will be writing up a spoiler filled synopsis, so feel free to skip over that and hop down to my Final thoughts and rating at the end of the blog.  Enjoy.

 

SPOILERS

I really asked if this was real after watching the opening when I was a kid.  My mom had no clue, I think she said it was.  Good for her lying to my dumbass.  So we have Sally and Franklin, who are siblings, and visit their grandfather’s grave.  Franklin is in a wheelchair.  We also have Jerry, Kirk, and Pam, but let’s face it, they are cannon fodder.  Was it a prerequisite for all horror movies in the 70’s to have a van?  Jerry has great hair and a great shirt.  Franklin talking about how the cows are slaughtered, just ridiculous, and then they pick up the hitchhiker.  We get him and Franklin talking cattle, then he steals Franklin’s pocket knife and cuts himself and giggles.  This guy is so nutty, but set the stage for what’s to come.  He invites the gang to have dinner with his family and takes a picture of them, but it’s not very good, so he decides he is going to light it on fire, and then takes out his razor and cuts Franklin’s arm.  Poor Franklin. Pam won’t shut the fuck up about horoscopes, so we know who I want to die first every times, but it never happens first.  Sally doesn’t believe in bras, and I thank her.

They make it to the house and nobody is helping Franklin, so he is just bitchy, and hilarious.  Kirk and Pam go off to find a swimmin’ hole, but it’s all dried up.  On the plus side, they see a barn and hear a generator and hope to get some gas.  Kirk goes in the house while Pam sits outside pissed, and he hears a pig squeal.  Well, he meets Mr. Leatherface and his friend, the sledgehammer.  The imagery inside the house is just wonderful.  All the bones and feathers, it’s something to just soak in.  Pam is in a very bad room with lots of tools.  She tries to leave, but Leatherface snags her and places her ass on a meathook, well not her ass, but you get it.  He starts cutting up Kirk with the chainsaw and Pam has to watch. Jerry goes looking for Kirk and Pam while Sally and Franklin stay at the van, and she is pissed at him.  Jerry hears noises in the house and he walks in.  Like everybody just walks in to stranger’s houses like it’s nothing.  Jerry opened the freezer to find Pam, and Leatherface just hammered Jerry in the head.  I bet ole Leatherface was so happy to have that many visitors, but maybe not.  

It’s now nighttime and Sally and Franklin are getting worried.  Franklin thinks that they should go back to the gas station, but Sally wants to go looking for them.  Awww, they don’t have the keys to the van.  Sally’s hard nipples really wants the flashlight, but Franklin doesn’t want to give it up.  He insists on going with her to look.  They keep yelling for Jerry, but wouldn’t it be more efficient to yell for Pam and Kirk with their monosyllabic names?  They hear something.  Ohhh.  It’s Leatherface and Franklin just got tore up in that wheelchair.  Run, Sally, run!!!  

We now have a 25 minute chase scene quintessentially, and old Leatherface is fast for his size.  She runs right to his place because she sees some lights on.  She runs in the house and goes upstairs, of course she does.  She finds a room with 2 bodies in clothes and chairs, so that’s nice.  She starts back down the stairs, but he’s heading up so she just leapt through a window.  Typical female running and falling down.  They make it to the gas station, and she never stops screaming, but fortunately the guy who owns the shop is there to help her.  

The guy offers to drive her to Childress since he has no phone.  He comes back with the truck, a burlap sack and rope.  He attacks her with a broom.  He’s tying her up and gagging her.  Thank you sir.  Sick of her screaming.  He put his sack over her face….HA!  She is whimpering so he starts prodding her with the broom stick.  As he’s driving, he comes across the hitchhiker and this dude starts beating his ass.  So the old dude is the daddy of Leatherface and the hitchhiker.  Daddy is pissed that Leatherface ruined the door.  This is fucking hilarious.  Time to get Grandpa.  Awww, we finally hear the name Leatherface for the first time.  Allllright!  Granpa has seen better days.  Grandpa is sucking on Sally’s cut finger and he is one happy pappy.

Sally passes out, but when she comes to, she is strapped to a chair at the dining room table, and she screams so the brothers start howling.  Hitchhiker starts berating his daddy, saying that he’s only a cook.  She has really beautiful eyes.  They want to let Grandpa have a whack at her.  Grandpa was the best ar killing.  He can’t really hold a hammer anymore.  He tries, and he finally gets her.  But then she leaps out a window and gets to trying to escape.  Hitchhiker is out after her first followed by leatherface hauling ass.  He is cutting her back up from behind.  Then a black dude in the Black Maria truck comes up, runs over and kills the hitchhiker.  Poor Leatherface falls and cuts his thigh and she gets picked up by a pickup truck, and Leatherface stays out in the road just swinging that chainsaw wildly in disappointment.

End Film

Final Thoughts – When I think of the perfect 70’s looking horror flick, this is what comes to mind.  Visually, it is incredible.  It feels so rustic and unfiltered and I mean that in a good way.  The deaths were short, and Sally screams for way too long, but it was a good time.  Leatherface is most definitely silly in a way, but I love the crazy killing family angle.  It just worked really well together.  Also, I loved that Franklin was wheelchair bound.  It was different seeing that kind of character in this type of film.  

Rating:  7.6 seems appropriate given how many films I have enjoyed over the years have openly borrowed from im.  

Please check us out at the actual 9 Deuce website, on Facebook at facebook.com/9deuceblog , on Twitter @official9deuce, or Instagram at Official9Deuce.  Share this, like this, write us an email with a question at kent@9deuce.com.  Thank you.

For the month of October, if you see this logo, click on it to go see the updated list of my 100 Horror Movies In October Marathon.

All the pictures used in this blog are for review purposes. They are the property of:

  • Vortex (as a vortex/henkel/hooper production)

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#94 The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)

In a moment of full disclosure, I was busy catching up on blogs and didn’t pay as much attention to this as I’d have liked, but I have seen this at least 5 times, so we’re in a good place. There isn’t any big names involved in this unless you count Gunnar Hansen, who made his name from this role.

So what can I say about this brilliant film? It was made in 74, before any of the big franchises, and it is gritty, and 70’s awesomeness. There’s a noise that is overused in most horror movie trailers, it came from this movie. This movie has 5 main 20 something characters, and they pick up this hitchiker, because in the 70’s, you drove a big van and picked up hitchikers. This guy sets the tone for creepiness, and awesomeness. He says and does some really freaky shit. This whole scene was awesome. Then you know, some wandering around and 2 of them end up in a house, and it has some skins hanging up, this dude is snooping around and boom, Leatherface pops out from a room and regulates. He man handles this fool. The dude’s woman visits, she gets hung up on a meat hook for her troubles. My other favorite scene is when they try having grandpa smash one of the girl’s heads in with a hammer. It is a very gripping scene.

I don’t want to say much, realistically there isn’t much to say because it’s a simple, yet fun and terrifying movie, especially for back. And of course Leatherface was based off of Ed Gein, thank you Kelly. Is this the best ever? Nah, but it is very fun. We’ll go with a safe 7.0 and move right along.

All the pictures used in this blog are for review purposes. They are the property of:

  • Vortex (as a vortex/henkel/hooper production)

Please go find a copy and support the creators.