#146 The Exorcist (1973) Review

A horror movie with an 8.0 rating on IMDB? Well, we must be in for a treat, right? Hmmm, it’s 40 years old. Watching with Raylene who has never seen this, so this is a barometer for people who have no patience, to see an older film.

Well I dropped the ball big time, as I started falling asleep. Then follow that up with a day full of Walking Dead. So here we are, about 30 minutes in. Oh, and nothing has really happened.

So far Regan was getting bloodwork, She saw a demon, and now she is swearing at the doctor. OK, 30 minutes for that. I should say that Regan’s mom, played by the awesome Ellen Burstyn, who I absolutely adored in Requiem For A Dream, she plays an actress who is temporarily in Washington DC for some acting work. There’s a young priest who’s mom is very sick. This is making him have doubts with his faith. And then there is Max Von Sydow, another Father, and he is gonna tangle with an old foe.

Regan interrupted a dinner party with her mom’s friends, and she told some dude “You’re gonna die up there” and then she pissed herself in front of everybody. A few minutes later and Regan is screaming. Momma comes rushing in and the bed is shaking with Regan in it. Regan likes to swear, the doctor thinks Regan has mental issues, and a lesion in the temporal lobe and that may cause spasms.

Yup, Raylene finally had her moment of making fun of a 40 year old movie and how non scary it is. Students of the film game just audibly sighed. I get the viewpoint of both. I try to get people to put themselves in that time frame, the mindset of the time. Uncreative people lack imagination. It happens. But some people are able to wrap their head around it. And at this point, I have settled down her outrage, not with a snickers, but by persistently making my point. You see, I am a persistent prick, and if I am passionate, I’m not losing no damn argument.

Back to the movie, Father Karras is bow trying to help Chris, the mom, with Regan. This is some crazy shit. Keep in mind, 2 generations ago, society was a lot more religious and god fearing. Now I don’t care where you stand on religion, but if you was and had never seen anything like this before, this would be pretty fucking freaky.

This is one of those movies, that once it picks up, it really grabs your attention and doesn’t let go. So yeah, I stopped typing. The whole Exorcism scene was really an amazing thing to behold. It’s funny to me that there have been numerous possession movies since this one, none really top this for drama and aura of the situation. That’s pretty impressive. I’m sure some of you can name a different movie or scene, and that may be true, but I still think this has held the test of time and is still the best at what it does. Maybe it’s not scary to desensitized audiences of today, but it is still very well done.

I would recommend this to anybody who loves films, or like to get some horror history lessons. I really recommend this to younger people, just hold out and show some patience, and you will be rewarded. I give this movie a solid 7.5. It’s just so well done and holds up to the test of time.  Definitely earns it’s keep on the horror film all time pantheon.

The Quest for Breasts Total

56 Bare breasts

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#128 Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones (2014)

Finally, the end of the road of this awful journey, until next March. This time it’s an all Latin cast apparent, in Cali somewhere. I don’t care. I just want this done and over with.

I am over a fifth through, we have seen 2 named women, but only pair of breasts, one vulva, one fat ass. Where’s Scott Steiner when you need him?  Nothing has happened, at all. This somehow got a higher rating than part 4. One of the main characters was eating Lucky Charms. That counts for something. Oh and they was playing cards, and I see Eleanor, the Jack of diamonds.

A third the way through, and absolutely nothing of any significance has happened. This has been a complete and utter waste of time. Well apparently Jesse, one of our 2 main protagonists has super strength as if he has been “marked” by Toby. This movie is dumb as hell.

At the halfway point, just saying things outloud to entertain myself. This one is bad on a different level. An hour, still no changes. I hate this movie. Oh, they brought Ali back from part 2. She conveniently explained some nonsense about male babies and when they turn 18 and something something dark side. I dunno. I should honestly have stopped watching. I am almost bored to tears. I’m just bitter at this point. I never thought I’d look so forward to Leprechaun in Space, or Children of the Corn 8, or Hellraiser Bloodline, because that takes place in outer space, or Jason X, cause that takes place in Outer Space, or Alien because it is awesome.

Haha, I just said outloud :I’ve even run out of ways to insult this movie. I wish Brock Lesnar would just come on the screen and start raging and then Mark Ruffalo would join him, and they would destroy every person ever involved in these cinematic abominations. Well, this movie has gone even worse. The sister and friend joined up with some gangsters to find Jesse. they whip out guns and they take on the witches. I wish I was making this up. I truly wish I was, but I’m not. Well sister is dead. Both gringos we are assuming are dead, but we can’t confirm the one with the shotgun yet. They are back at the house in part 3, where it all began. Hey, a level of continuity. What a tweest. I am sick of all the jump scares that have perpetuated the last 5-10 minutes of this. Jump scares….how lame. I mean, so you have first person camera work, and then he is in a house, wandering around confused, and then you have things jumping out at him. That is a hack job.

What a clusterfuck that ending was. It kinda made sense, but I don’t think it was accurate to what we was led to believe happened. I don’t even wanna bother. I’m done, I’m fucking done.  I’m giving this a 2.5, avoid at all costs. Just avoid it. Even if intrigued, just no. I’m finding a picture, then I’m wiping my hands of this.

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37 Bare breasts

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#125 Paranormal Activity 4 (2012)

Finally….we’ve reached the end of this awful franchise. I can’t wait to be done. We see events from the end of part 2 in the beginning with Katie and Hunter.

Now we are in Nevada, no longer in Carlsbad, CA. So we have a new family. A mom (Holly), dad (Doug), teenage blond (Alex), and young boy (Wyatt). They have new neighbors, a single mom and her son (Robbie). You would never guess who they are. So Alex and her boyfriend (Ben) are gonna hang out at night in her treehouse, and sure enough there’s Robbie. Then the next knife, there’s cops or something at the mom’s house, so the family randomly takes in Robbie because….I just don’t even know how this would ever happen. Robbie is just a creepy kid with an imaginary friend. You can tell where this is going. Oh, they just danced to Rob Zombie’s “Dragula”.  I also enjoy that Ben records Alex when they webcam. That is a totally creepy thing that I have never ever done in my life. Ever. It’s an invasion of privacy damnit! Ben, you were wrong to do that, I am very disappointed with you.

I’m gonna get my camera back and start recording all the time, then record while I edit together my life story, and see all the spooky things that happen. OK, let’s face it, I plan on recording all the asinine things that somebody in this house says so I have video proof They will love that.  By the way, Ben is clearly my favorite character of this franchise.

It has been brought to my attention that there is a 5 Paranormal Activity. I want to say I am very sorry for this revelation. I am as depressed as anybody about this. I am not at all looking forward to what I must do. When all is said and done, I am guessing I will have spent approximately 8 boob less hours thanks to this awful franchise. I promise I will make up for this. I think I may have to watch Slumber Party Massacre 1, 2, and 3, and Sorority House Massacre 1 & 2, and maybe a few other to help get our breast numbers higher. I do this for charity.

Watching this, nothing scary happening, I am peacefully typing. Watching with Raylene and Robbie is riding a tricycle in the kitchen. Raylene screams “Danny Boy!” in an hommage to The Shining apparently. The volume level seriously went from a normal conversational 5, to a 25. It startled me. I then scolded her. Louder than Russ during a Brock Lesnar match.

Now less than 20 minutes ago, Raylene made fun of the girl constantly checking out random noises in the house. I made fun of her then as she always hears things and is looking out the window like a jackass. Well she just heard a sound. Don’t know what it was, don’t really care. My guess is the neighbors, or my mom, or a demon. I honestly don’t care what it was, but sure enough Raylene got up and looked and I then ridicule her. She just got done making fun of the girl in the movie for doing the exact same damn thing. I am living my own personal horror movie. C’mon demon, kill her, possess me, make something happen. Raylene claimed it was the dog in the kitchen. Yes, the same dog that we had to put down 2 months ago. Really?

I just said that To Cruise won’t come out of the closet. These movies are beyond dumb. I regret going through so many classics last year. Speculating that I may do this again next year, I am holding out on some franchises. I only did 2 of the big 3 last year. I am not sure if I am saving that for next year or not. I have  until February before I have to watch that particular franchise again. Get my hockey mask on.  Haha, Alex almost got hit by a car and she says “Fuckin Prius”. Oh, there’s creepy shit that happens in Robbie’s old place. It’s spoooooooky. Not really. And Katie is home now, oh and there’s a weird lock on a closet.

So a knife almost dropped down on the dad’s head so he is freaking out, the wife comes down, won’t let him get a word in at all and kept telling him to come to bed. So yeah, I wanted some domestic violence to occur, and I wanted him to make sure that she had AllHandsOnDick, one of my favorite screen names oh all time, right up there with ChunkyLover92.

Wyatt is talking to Toby at night, but here’s the dumb thing, Toby is behind him, so why the fuck not have Robbie turn around and talk to the invisible entity face to face? And why the fuck are they video recording Wyatt in a bathtub? Nobody else is bothered by this? Nobody? Fine, I’ll just be all outraged by myself. There’s no parent s in there, just Wyatt. I ask again, why is this being recorded?

This movie is full of the same shit. Somebody gets dragged up or down stairs, they get dragged off the bed or above the bed, things get pulled really fast, doors open and close. I just resorted to saying “Is she petting her pussy” while she is on her webcam petting the cat. Yup, I’m bored and childish and immature. This is the movie that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. The Bills won today. That was cool. By the way, Wyatt is adopted and now thinks he is Hunter and Katie is in the house telling Wyatt/Hunter that his aunt Katie is there.

Alex got locked in the garage and the car magically turned on. She was choking on the fumes. She took a golf club and broke a window on the car. Raylene honestly asked why would she do that? I said, “To put the car in reverse and break down the garage door.” Then she did that. I told her what I have numerous  times before, in a real life scenario, you are going to die. If there is ever an epidemic, or apocalypse situation, Raylene only lives as long as I allow it and can guide her. And if I die, well she’s dead within 92 minutes.

Less than 5 minutes to go!!! More bodies getting flung and dragged. Screw this, just call the movie “One hour of doors closing followed by a few bodies being flung and dragged by a ghost followed by an unsatisfying ending”!

You’ll never believe this, but the ending was completely unsatisfying. I’m just as shocked as you are. Here’s a picture of the ending. Yeah, it made little to no sense. Nobody gives a fuck. Why must these movies be so dumb? I’m holding off til tomorrow to watch part 5 to mess with Raylene more. These seem to scare her, so I figure why not make life miserable two nights in a row?

Breasts Totals

34 Bare breasts

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#124 Paranormal Activity 3 (2011)

This is the best of the 3 movies so far, I can’t vouch for 4 as I haven’t seen it. I thought the pacing and story was infinitely improved. This could actually come close to passing as a horror film. Let’s see how much of this I come to regret saying.

This movie is good in the fact that it starts right off providing back story for part 2. It shows Katie bringing boxes over to store in Kristi’s basement. That was a very smart decision. There, I started off with a compliment.

Here’s my first big issue. In the first movie, we don’t question a guy filming stuff. There’s far too many people that do that dumb shit all the time. In part 2, it was like dude, you also have cameras, but it was more a home security. OK, cool we got past that. Now this one, we go back in time when Katie and Kristi are kids, but dear old dad or stepdad has a video camera and he records a lot as well. SO the women in this family insist on being with a man who loves a video camera apparently. It’s minor, but questionable.

OK, it’s done. The grandma was part of some cult. There, that’s all that really happens. I just saved you another 90 boobless minutes. You’re welcome. This is the best of the 3 movies. This was actually watchable. I’d say if you have seen the first 2, then see this one. If you want one of the movies to see, I’d suggest this one, even though it may give away some stuff for future ones, I would say this would be the best. Here’s a fun GIF.

Breasts Totals

34 Bare breasts

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#122 Paranormal Activity (2007)

You know what’s great about Paranormal Activity? Usually I would laugh and say nothing, but that’s not true at all. The beauty is that you can technically see all the film in less than 15 minutes. Seriously, these movies are complete garbage juice and actually only get interesting later on in the franchise when they add a more convoluted storyline. If you like these movies, you may wish to avoid the next 4 entries because I am gonna trash the shit out of the films and it’s fans. Sorry.

I’m fairrly certain there is a spider near me, but I am too lazy at the moment to do jack shit. There, that story of mine was more compelling than this film. I’m gonna eat a piece of cake now.

My story about my experience with Paranormal Activity is definitely a unique one that needs to be told. I was hanging out with my buddy Ron, and we was watching Phantasm, a good to great movie, depending on your tastes. We had heard so much hype about PA that we stopped Phantasm mid way through so we could make it to the theater. On our way, about midway through, little to our knowledge, a dude started stalking us, yes this really happened. We get to the parking lot in Amsterdam, and this middle aged dude starts accusing us of throwing a bottle, like a plastic bottle I think, at his vehicle as he drove past us. This dude was fucking crazy. First of all, we did no such thing and had no idea what in the fuck he was talking about. Secondly, what was he really gonna do? There’s 2 guys in their 20’s, and his old ass. He’s not winning that fight unless he had a weapon. Plus we were in a parking lot, cops would have been coming. Like nothing made sense. So after telling him about 5 times that we didn’t do anything, didn’t know what the hell he was talking about, he begrudgingly left. Yeah, he easily wasted 10-15 minutes of his life chasing down the wrong people.

We get our tickets, get our refreshments so we could be refreshed, and get our seats. You can feel a buzz in the theater. People were pretty pumped, I felt like we was in a theater with some horror fans. Then the movie began, and nothing happened. And still nothing. I’m 18 minutes in, and it’s been nothing but bullshit talk. Some specialist in paranormal bullshit talked way too much, only feeding the dumb bitch’s paranoia. So we keep waiting. About 30 minutes in, people are checking their phones or watches, curious to see how much times has passed. Ron leans over and makes some joke about the movie. We’re starting to lose faith. Least they could do is show some tits or have a back story. You could hear other chatter in the theater. People were probably making similar comments. At the 21 minutes mark the door moves. OOOOOHHHHH, sooo fucking scary.

An hour in, the crowd is growing restless. People are getting a little louder in the theater, making jokes or expressing their displeasure with whomever they were with. It would have taken an amazing twist to really get the crowd back into. Every minute passes, more chatter, more displeasure. When they get to the night shots, more anticipation, more disappointment. It was like being a fat guy at prom.  And before you know, it’s over. What? Wait, there’s gotta be more right? They hyped that guy’s return and he was on screen for like a minute, like the plot hinged on his return and he bailed so fast. Fucking hell, the theater was like verbally rioting. People were talking about demanding their money back. Nobody and I mean, nobody looked like they was happy. Between scowls and utter hatred on these people’s faces, people were fucking pissed. We came back and watched the rest of Phantasm. We should have done that all along.

27 minutes in, it’s a night shot. She wakes up like she had a nightmare. Oh, and they hear a thump. That’s the big scare, a fucking thump in the night? You know what, I have loud ass neighbors and their cat knocks shit over in the middle of the night all the fucking time. And I find spiders in my bathroom all the time. I guess I could make a movie and people would call me a creative genius. Seriously!!! I’m getting all kinds of pissed off just watching this.

Oh, let’s use a Ouija Board! Hey another night time scene. What TERRIFYING thing will happen next? I don’t even know what that noise was, ohh the living room lights are swaying.  That is so damn scary, I’m about to piss myself. Can it get any scarier? Kids are growing up thinking this is scary. This is really happening. Unfuckingbelievable. I want to punch something. Yeah, get your asses back to bed, you stupid fucks. If Sam Kinison was still alive, I’d love to hear him do stand up about this film.

Haha, the bitch is complaining about the guy not taking this seriously. Was that a clever guilt trick to make the audience feel bad for not giving a fuck? Aside from Asian remakes, and Sinister, when was the last good horror flick that was mass marketed to theaters? Was it Drag Me to Hell, and prior to that Saw? Yeah, we are in a fucking lull on the mainstream horror scene. We’ve been given The Purge, Insidious, the Possession, Last Exorcisim (I should have included that on my list), The Conjouring, and I am sure I’m forgetting some but the pickings are slim. Indie horror is where it’s at for the past decade or so, that and France and Asia.

Oh, Katie is outside on a swinging chair in the middle of the night. Yeah that’s right baby, you build up some non existent tension. The only reason I hate Sixth Sense more than I hate this is because Sixth Sense was actually critically acclaimed and well received by the masses. Both are shallow and pedantic, yes, shallow and pedantic. Here’s another shitty thing, this girl starts looking girl because we haven’t had a chance to look at other females most of the movie. I think her sister was on for a minute. OK, we are at the halfway point, and normally I would stop typing and kick back and enjoy the film to give you a solid recommendation. That won’t be happening here. I have more insults.

There we go, he got out the Ouija Board. time for somebody to fuck with the other person and pretend like they ain’t doing anything. Katie is pisssssed and bitching him out. Typical fucking female. “How dare you? You said you weren’t gonna get this to scare me.” Yup, this is why women are so often the butt of the joke. Wait, lets keep the screen on the Ouija Board as it spells out something that we can’t see, the plants act like there is wind in the house, oh, and then the board sets itself on fire. This movie made so much money. DO you know why? Because no refunds were given to pissed off viewers. She’s still being a bitch, kicking him out of his room. I’d be all like, bitch, get a haircut, your hair looks stupid, and that outfit makes you look fat. This guy has to be the most whipped pussy I’ve seen. “I swear to follow Katie’s rules and regulations” blah blah blah. Sir, did you trade your balls in for a training bra? I wanna fight this guy so bad. I will be Maximus, he will be Daredevil. Daredevil dies.

This was the worst film I ever saw in the theater. By and large, I have had great luck. I did see In Dreams, What Dreams May Come (and don’t give me shit just because Robin killed himself, it doesn’t change how dumb that movie was), Spiderman, and Titantic. Those are my worst films I’ve seen in a theater. That’s not too bad. Oh and Sleepwalkers. It was a bad Stephen King movie with not much in the realm of redeemable qualities. I bought a flask in the shape of a mustache. Oh, we have another night scene. He has sprinkled powder on the flood. I bet Fred, Daphne, Velma, Shaggy, and Scoobey can figure out this caper. OH MY GOD, there are footsteps in the powder and in the bedroom. This is so absolutely scary. I wish I was webcamming my reaction through this whole film. It would be that of constant disdain and hatred. I wish my mustache flash was filled up, but if it was, it’d probably be emptied pretty quick.

I think this is my longest blog this year.  Nice down the shirt view momentarily. I’m thinking about playing Angry Birds and how much I hate that I can’t watch the Bills play today. Oh, Micah found a picture of her as a kid in the attic. “There is no way you found that in our attic.” (In my best Hulk Hogan voice) Well lemme tell you something brother. If you haven’t seen the picture in 15 years, it’s not anymore likely that he somehow found it, shoved it down his pants, lied to you about seeing something, and then came back down and voila, here’s your burnt up crumby picture you stupid bitch. She’s back to being mean to him. I would pay some money for the copy where Ray Rice comes in during the middle of the night and punches her the fuck out. I know, I know, too soon, domestic violence isn’t cool, and it’s not funny to say I like my violence like my beer, domestic. But I am bored, and the big thing in this night shot is the door closed. I wish Vincent Price was alive to call this garbage.

20 + minutes to go, and doors are closing and she is panicking.  She wears her bra to bed. Who does that? No wonder you can’t see her nipples. Call it a hunch, but I don’t think the footage in this movie is real. I think they faked it. Women don’t wear bras to bed unless they are sleeping next to me and don’t wanna put out. I won’t name names.  From this angle, she looks very homely, like a pimp may toss her white ass back out on the streets. I am fighting the urge not to fast forward. Oh, another thump was heard. The glass on a picture frame is shattered and his face is scratched in the picture. I feel like OK, after all the hype of this old guy returning, the specialist, he stays there for 40 seconds, How long did they hype him coming back to help, then he returns for 40 fucking seconds!!!! Honestly, that was my breaking point in the theater. You have talked about this guy and how he was gonna help and blah blah blah, and 40 seconds. He was scurred.

People who were scared by this movie were also probably terrified every time Gargamel was on the Smurfs. Haha, so Micah found some bitch on a website who had the same things happen. Katie is like “So you mean to tell me that you found a woman online who has experienced all the same things that we have” in a very skeptical manner. If you’re skeptical bitch, imagine how I fucking feel. I wrote more cohesive plots on season one of the Malarkey Show.

Good news, we have 10 minutes remaining. I think this is the beginning of the final night where she gets dragged out of bed. Yup, that just happened. And the door closed.  If this movie would have premiered when the Vietnam war was happening, I bet at least 7% of the male audience would have left that theater thinking about enlisting in the military to take out some aggression. Micah should have kicked her out of the house as soon as this shit started. Wiped his hands clean of her bullshit. He wants to leave, she wants to stay.

5 minutes remaining. Crank up your best of Europe CD, because it’s The Final Countdown, do do do dooo dodododo do, OK, I am sure I just botched that, but that was the most fun i have had during this film was playing the song in my head.  The low calorie G2 Gatorade Glacier Freeze is surprisingly tasty. Oh, there was screaming after she got out of bed. We hear thumping like footsteps. I think this is the scene where they got a few jump scares . Yup, suddenly she flung Micah back in the room. It’s fucking amateur hour. Oh and she was like possessed as she kinda growled at the camera. Micah’s body was discovered by police, but Katie’s whereabouts is a mystery. SPOOKY! And end movie!

If you made it all the way to the end, congratulate yourself and please tell me that you made it through this blog. I wish to acknowledge you for your hard work maybe around blog 50. As for me, I think I am gonna reheat some food, eat it, then shower. I have a long, arduous day ahead of me. Still 3 more of these awful films to review.  I really wish I had some chicken wings to get me through the day. Spoiler ruins the whole film, and I’m ok with that. I just saved you 90 boob less minutes.

Breasts Totals

34 Bare breasts

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#115 The Last Exorcism Part II (2013)

I have never seen this. Going by IMDB, the first movie got a rating of 5.6 and this one got a 3.9. For horror, I tend to bump those scores by 1-1.5 because horror is never going to get the respect it deserves from film snobs. You know who you are you pretentious asses. With that being said, I don’t know how much I’ll write. It depends on how engrossed I get in this. I do know that we have some original characters coming back. Let’s jump right on in, then maybe I can take a nap, or more than likely, watch another movie.

After less than than 2 minutes, we have been recapped on the previous movie, and as I have mentioned, that is very important to me in sequels. It allows a viewer to remember something that they saw years ago usually.

14 minutes in and I’m wondering if I made a poor decision. Nell is in a home for girls that need help, and in return, they try to get jobs and become productive members of society. Some girl just said “alright, alright. alright” in passing. They are in New Orleans, and well, everybody is out doing some festive shit. This is about as eventful as Paranormal Activity. I fear this movie putting me to sleep. They are using hackneyed jump scare tactics as opposed to building up tension, or provide a decent ambiance. Again with the jump scare. Loud sounds coming out of nowhere is not horror. 3.9 may have been generous for IMDB.

I just realized what this movie reminds me of. You know how Blair Witch was amazing, I do not understand anybody disagreeing, but I know there are people who don’t understand quality when they see it. Any way, remember how there was an awful sequel to the found footage genre’s first king? The sequel was a straight movie, no found footage stuff.  And it was supposed to be at that moment that people realized that making sequels to found footage movies was incredibly difficult. It is almost unheard of to make a sequel to a found footage movie that is better than the original. First of all, in horror, sequels traditionally are weaker, much weaker as a matter of fact than the original. In this case though, you have 2 paths to take. You can make the sequel a normal film, or you can go back to the found footage angle. If you go back to found footage, you rarely can use anybody from the original cast because, well everybody dies in found footage movies usually. So how many different ways can you do something different with the same theme, keep it as a true sequel. That’s damn near impossible. I think V/H/S did a nice job with it’s sequel because of it’s format. You take rec/Quarantine, Paranormal Activity, Grave Encounters, and others, and they stayed with the found footage format, and every sequel was weaker. So you go the opposite way, and you make a real film for a sequel to your found footage, but now you have to make a good story that stand on it’s own in a completely different format.  Consider how good Blair Witch would have been if not shot in a found footage style, if it had been in a traditional sense. It’s safe to say that the scares don’t work, and most importantly the night shots are abysmal, especially when they finally enter the house. Like that would be a throwaway movie. And so it is with Blair Witch 2. That was a hell of a long spiel.

Considering what I just wrote, Last Exorcism 2 is doing an admirable job of crossing from foot footage, to normal style. They have a story that can work in either fashion. The problem is have is that this particular story is not all that great. Could I have made this better? I’d like to think so, but the reality is that I would have went in such a different direction than they did as a follow up.Within the first 15-30 minutes, I would have made it seem like Nell was the victim again. Maybe involve another priest to do another exorcism. When he bites on performing, after Nell does some acting making him feel such pity, the priest is killed during the exorcism. We find out that Nell has had control all along, or at least Abalam, the demon. Make her a badass entity that completely messes with people and kills them. She’s already somewhat famous after the incident, so many peoplee would be trying to cure her, and she could just wreak havoc. Then you can have a final standoff of sorts, where good seemingly wins, but there’s a nod to the audience that Abalom still lives on in Nell or has moved on to one of our protagonists.

Oh geez, here we go with CROATOA. Can we also bring Legion into this to in order make this more foolish? I even liked this being in New Orleans, hoping for some solid voodoo shit, but we really aren’t getting as much of that as we should. We just had the big reveal of who the masked person was. It would have worked if it had been her brother Caleb, but I knew he was only in this in archive footage. So that left only one of 2 possibilities, one that was predictible, which they did, or have it be something a lot more outlandish. I’m trying not to be too hard on this, but we have less than 10 minutes to go. I can’t imagine they are on the verge of blowing my mind.

Uhmmmm, I stand corrected, they did something right at the end. I can’t tell you, but I am happy. Those last 5-10 minutes does not make up for the first 90% of the film. I bet they thought if they did this just right, they could make a part 3 and possibly have a franchise. Their failure was in pacing and timing for the big reveal. I assure you that turned away a lot of viewers, and by the time that it happened, people had zero fucks to give. This movie failed to give the audience enough to keep it interesting, and even with a good ending, I admit that this was far from a good movie. I do want a part 3 now. I give this movie a 4.0.  I can’t go any higher because of the ending or how much potential it has down the road, only based on what I just saw, and 4 may be too generous/. I’ve seen much worse, and if you truly liked the first one, then I’d say watch it with an open mind knowing that it eventually goes somewhere for a small payoff with big implications. If you were on the fence about the original, avoid this at all costs.

I don’t own the rights to this picture or film. It’s from the film, so they are the owners, not me.

T & A Totals remain the same yet again

19 Bare breasts

3 bare asses

2 concealed breasts

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#114 The Last Exorcism (2010)

I loved this movie in the theater, and I love the opening to Lionsgate’s films. I’m pumped to say the least. I don’t recall which floozy I was with at the time when I saw this, but this movie was better than that relationship.

This is documentary/found footage style. The main character is Cotton, he’s a preacher, but one of those charismatic type dudes, very entertaining. He knows he openly tricks people into his rhetoric, very slick, also a rip off artist of sorts. He’s an exorcist as well.  He doesn’t believe in ghosts. He admits that he doesn’t do much, but he does help with healing, that’s his justification. You can imagine where this is going. His goal is to expose exorcisms for what they really are, in his own words. This is easily my second favorite exorcism movie. So he gets letters asking for help, he chose one, and he has this camera crew following him so he can show off his tricks and prove how fake all of this is.

So he ends up at this farm house in Louisiana. We have the concerned father, Louis, his son, Caleb, and his daughter, Nell. Nell is possessed and she does bad shit at night, hurts the livestock and whatnot. She comes off as a sweet god fearing teenage girl, very plain but sweet. Caleb is anti all of this exorcism stuff, wants Cotton and his crew gone. 2 years ago, Louis’ wife had died from cancer. Louis is trying to raise Nell as best he can, but she has gone downhill since her  mom’s death. Louis is now home schooling Nell and is very over protective of her.  Caleb thinks his dad is a superstitious drunk, and that Nell isn’t the issue.

Cotton performs a physical examination, and making them think he’s doing stuff, and giving them concern by pulling some shady business. It’s all like a joke to him. Cotton is telling them she is possessed by Abalam, a demon. Caleb is onto Cotton’s trickery, but in a way that gives Caleb some reassurance. Cotton now goes to work to set up things for his big performance. This is where I stop myself, sit back, relax, enjoy the movie and give you some random and final thoughts after. Hell, you can stop reading this and go watch it, it’d be a good use of your time.

After watching it now for my 4th time, it’s still solid. It’s the type of movie I know teenage Kent would have loved. Pre-teen Kent would have loved it. It does spoon feed you here and there. The foreshadowing was far from subtle, but it was a fun ride. On top of that, you had a decent enough cast. You had characters put in unusually difficult predicaments where there may not have been a right or wrong answer, and I’m sure some would love to argue that point, and you’re free to. All in all, I will stand by with my 7 rating. I have no doubt the sequel will be worse, but I look forward to it.

In conclusion, if you like found footage style films, or if you like demonic possession type stories, or if you like a story with numerous twists and turns, this is a good way to spend your time. And if you’ve seen the movie, you already know the pic I am gonna use. All hail Bray Wyatt.

I don’t own the rights to this picture or film. It’s from the film, so they are the owners, not me.

T & A Totals remain the same….oh well

19 Bare breasts

3 bare asses

2 concealed breasts

All the pictures used in this blog are for review purposes. They are the property of:

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#334 Exeter (2015)

This movie has Stephen Lang, who starred in Don’t Breathe. We start off with a hot chick in just her panties, and she kills herself and we have boobs. All within the first minute. You have my attention, Exeter.

Why do so many films use record plays and old projectors to convey a creepy vibe? Just curious. We find out that Exeter was the name of this sanitarium, basically. They killed off a ton of the patients there.

This guy, Patrick, has been working on the building, renovating it or some shit. Like he helps volunteer with the church to take care of the building. This leads to a ridiculous party.  Lots of obnoxious young assholes, and some chick named Amber who Patrick is not doing a good job at sealing the deal with. They want to do the Light as a feather, stiff as a board, and the one girl promises her boyfriend anal if it fails. Well it really worked, but he still wants it. Good for him.

Nobody pays attention when they drive in this movie. We’ve had 2 people get hit thanks to the driver not paying attention. Rory is possessed seemingly, and we have 2 early deaths, plus original hot chick.

The movie finished, lots of dead people, and the twist is starting to get overused.  I don’t mean that to be demeaning, but for those of us who watch way too much horror, we see the same situations play out. Unfortunately, the films that have these endings tend to not be very mainstream films, so it’s mainly your horror fans that see it. If it was just some idiot on a Friday night looking for a horror flick, they probably don’t see it coming because they don’t plow through this stuff like we do. So it’s not a criticism, but for horror fans, we knew the ending, and others probably didn’t. Still, it didn’t take away too much from the film.  I’m a big believer in doing things the right way, even if predictable, than to have some random M Night twist for the sake of it.

I liked this movie once the majority of the partiers left and we got to meet and know the characters better. That is important to me. Loud parties are boring and a turn off for me in real life and in watching in a film. I get why it was done, but did they ever consider that just as much could have been accomplished by having a small party to begin with? Everybody could have gotten drunk and high just as easily and we got have developed the characters better, so for that reason, I do have to deduct something for that. Never forego character development just to be loud and obnoxious. I found the stereotypical characters to be fun. I don’t mind those cliches if they have fun with it. That was important to me, I feel that they had fun making this one.

Just found out that the director also did Friday the 13th and Texas Chainsaw Massacre reboots. Good for him! Marcus Nispel is his name.

Rating – 5.5 because it was fun for most of the part, and was cheesy at times, but, the good kind of cheesy. Most importantly, it made sense by and large.

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Please go find a copy and support the creators. It’s on NetFlix, so please go watch it now.

#317 Ava’s Possessions (2015)

William Sadler, that is all I have to say. The mom is from a bunch of stuff, but probably most famous for American Pie. The older lady at the magic shop, she was the star of  Tales From the Crypt episode.

This is about possession, but it is done in a very unique way in how it’s presented, but more importantly, how the public accept it, to an extent. This film goes way out of it’s way to pay homage perhaps to Suspiria with all of the lighting techniques. It got to a point of almost distracting, and that’s rarely a good thing. You want the lighting to amplify the story or to compliment it, not be the focal point. I really liked how the story was told, and it really progressed and built up at a very satisfying pace. By the end, you are not left with many unanswered questions, unless you are dwelling on some stupid shit, or I may have missed something, I am sure. This was the most fun I’ve had with a possession film since The Last Exorcism. The last 10 minutes or so really ties everything together, and don’t sell yourself short because not everything is known until the end.

Rating – 6.3 seems fair. I could see myself going higher if it was more fun the second time, which it may actually be. Some movies do better upon multiple viewings.

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Please go find a copy and support the creators. This is on NetFlix currently. Definitely worth your time.