You know what’s great about Paranormal Activity? Usually I would laugh and say nothing, but that’s not true at all. The beauty is that you can technically see all the film in less than 15 minutes. Seriously, these movies are complete garbage juice and actually only get interesting later on in the franchise when they add a more convoluted storyline. If you like these movies, you may wish to avoid the next 4 entries because I am gonna trash the shit out of the films and it’s fans. Sorry.
I’m fairrly certain there is a spider near me, but I am too lazy at the moment to do jack shit. There, that story of mine was more compelling than this film. I’m gonna eat a piece of cake now.
My story about my experience with Paranormal Activity is definitely a unique one that needs to be told. I was hanging out with my buddy Ron, and we was watching Phantasm, a good to great movie, depending on your tastes. We had heard so much hype about PA that we stopped Phantasm mid way through so we could make it to the theater. On our way, about midway through, little to our knowledge, a dude started stalking us, yes this really happened. We get to the parking lot in Amsterdam, and this middle aged dude starts accusing us of throwing a bottle, like a plastic bottle I think, at his vehicle as he drove past us. This dude was fucking crazy. First of all, we did no such thing and had no idea what in the fuck he was talking about. Secondly, what was he really gonna do? There’s 2 guys in their 20’s, and his old ass. He’s not winning that fight unless he had a weapon. Plus we were in a parking lot, cops would have been coming. Like nothing made sense. So after telling him about 5 times that we didn’t do anything, didn’t know what the hell he was talking about, he begrudgingly left. Yeah, he easily wasted 10-15 minutes of his life chasing down the wrong people.
We get our tickets, get our refreshments so we could be refreshed, and get our seats. You can feel a buzz in the theater. People were pretty pumped, I felt like we was in a theater with some horror fans. Then the movie began, and nothing happened. And still nothing. I’m 18 minutes in, and it’s been nothing but bullshit talk. Some specialist in paranormal bullshit talked way too much, only feeding the dumb bitch’s paranoia. So we keep waiting. About 30 minutes in, people are checking their phones or watches, curious to see how much times has passed. Ron leans over and makes some joke about the movie. We’re starting to lose faith. Least they could do is show some tits or have a back story. You could hear other chatter in the theater. People were probably making similar comments. At the 21 minutes mark the door moves. OOOOOHHHHH, sooo fucking scary.
An hour in, the crowd is growing restless. People are getting a little louder in the theater, making jokes or expressing their displeasure with whomever they were with. It would have taken an amazing twist to really get the crowd back into. Every minute passes, more chatter, more displeasure. When they get to the night shots, more anticipation, more disappointment. It was like being a fat guy at prom. And before you know, it’s over. What? Wait, there’s gotta be more right? They hyped that guy’s return and he was on screen for like a minute, like the plot hinged on his return and he bailed so fast. Fucking hell, the theater was like verbally rioting. People were talking about demanding their money back. Nobody and I mean, nobody looked like they was happy. Between scowls and utter hatred on these people’s faces, people were fucking pissed. We came back and watched the rest of Phantasm. We should have done that all along.
27 minutes in, it’s a night shot. She wakes up like she had a nightmare. Oh, and they hear a thump. That’s the big scare, a fucking thump in the night? You know what, I have loud ass neighbors and their cat knocks shit over in the middle of the night all the fucking time. And I find spiders in my bathroom all the time. I guess I could make a movie and people would call me a creative genius. Seriously!!! I’m getting all kinds of pissed off just watching this.
Oh, let’s use a Ouija Board! Hey another night time scene. What TERRIFYING thing will happen next? I don’t even know what that noise was, ohh the living room lights are swaying. That is so damn scary, I’m about to piss myself. Can it get any scarier? Kids are growing up thinking this is scary. This is really happening. Unfuckingbelievable. I want to punch something. Yeah, get your asses back to bed, you stupid fucks. If Sam Kinison was still alive, I’d love to hear him do stand up about this film.
Haha, the bitch is complaining about the guy not taking this seriously. Was that a clever guilt trick to make the audience feel bad for not giving a fuck? Aside from Asian remakes, and Sinister, when was the last good horror flick that was mass marketed to theaters? Was it Drag Me to Hell, and prior to that Saw? Yeah, we are in a fucking lull on the mainstream horror scene. We’ve been given The Purge, Insidious, the Possession, Last Exorcisim (I should have included that on my list), The Conjouring, and I am sure I’m forgetting some but the pickings are slim. Indie horror is where it’s at for the past decade or so, that and France and Asia.
Oh, Katie is outside on a swinging chair in the middle of the night. Yeah that’s right baby, you build up some non existent tension. The only reason I hate Sixth Sense more than I hate this is because Sixth Sense was actually critically acclaimed and well received by the masses. Both are shallow and pedantic, yes, shallow and pedantic. Here’s another shitty thing, this girl starts looking girl because we haven’t had a chance to look at other females most of the movie. I think her sister was on for a minute. OK, we are at the halfway point, and normally I would stop typing and kick back and enjoy the film to give you a solid recommendation. That won’t be happening here. I have more insults.
There we go, he got out the Ouija Board. time for somebody to fuck with the other person and pretend like they ain’t doing anything. Katie is pisssssed and bitching him out. Typical fucking female. “How dare you? You said you weren’t gonna get this to scare me.” Yup, this is why women are so often the butt of the joke. Wait, lets keep the screen on the Ouija Board as it spells out something that we can’t see, the plants act like there is wind in the house, oh, and then the board sets itself on fire. This movie made so much money. DO you know why? Because no refunds were given to pissed off viewers. She’s still being a bitch, kicking him out of his room. I’d be all like, bitch, get a haircut, your hair looks stupid, and that outfit makes you look fat. This guy has to be the most whipped pussy I’ve seen. “I swear to follow Katie’s rules and regulations” blah blah blah. Sir, did you trade your balls in for a training bra? I wanna fight this guy so bad. I will be Maximus, he will be Daredevil. Daredevil dies.
This was the worst film I ever saw in the theater. By and large, I have had great luck. I did see In Dreams, What Dreams May Come (and don’t give me shit just because Robin killed himself, it doesn’t change how dumb that movie was), Spiderman, and Titantic. Those are my worst films I’ve seen in a theater. That’s not too bad. Oh and Sleepwalkers. It was a bad Stephen King movie with not much in the realm of redeemable qualities. I bought a flask in the shape of a mustache. Oh, we have another night scene. He has sprinkled powder on the flood. I bet Fred, Daphne, Velma, Shaggy, and Scoobey can figure out this caper. OH MY GOD, there are footsteps in the powder and in the bedroom. This is so absolutely scary. I wish I was webcamming my reaction through this whole film. It would be that of constant disdain and hatred. I wish my mustache flash was filled up, but if it was, it’d probably be emptied pretty quick.
I think this is my longest blog this year. Nice down the shirt view momentarily. I’m thinking about playing Angry Birds and how much I hate that I can’t watch the Bills play today. Oh, Micah found a picture of her as a kid in the attic. “There is no way you found that in our attic.” (In my best Hulk Hogan voice) Well lemme tell you something brother. If you haven’t seen the picture in 15 years, it’s not anymore likely that he somehow found it, shoved it down his pants, lied to you about seeing something, and then came back down and voila, here’s your burnt up crumby picture you stupid bitch. She’s back to being mean to him. I would pay some money for the copy where Ray Rice comes in during the middle of the night and punches her the fuck out. I know, I know, too soon, domestic violence isn’t cool, and it’s not funny to say I like my violence like my beer, domestic. But I am bored, and the big thing in this night shot is the door closed. I wish Vincent Price was alive to call this garbage.
20 + minutes to go, and doors are closing and she is panicking. She wears her bra to bed. Who does that? No wonder you can’t see her nipples. Call it a hunch, but I don’t think the footage in this movie is real. I think they faked it. Women don’t wear bras to bed unless they are sleeping next to me and don’t wanna put out. I won’t name names. From this angle, she looks very homely, like a pimp may toss her white ass back out on the streets. I am fighting the urge not to fast forward. Oh, another thump was heard. The glass on a picture frame is shattered and his face is scratched in the picture. I feel like OK, after all the hype of this old guy returning, the specialist, he stays there for 40 seconds, How long did they hype him coming back to help, then he returns for 40 fucking seconds!!!! Honestly, that was my breaking point in the theater. You have talked about this guy and how he was gonna help and blah blah blah, and 40 seconds. He was scurred.
People who were scared by this movie were also probably terrified every time Gargamel was on the Smurfs. Haha, so Micah found some bitch on a website who had the same things happen. Katie is like “So you mean to tell me that you found a woman online who has experienced all the same things that we have” in a very skeptical manner. If you’re skeptical bitch, imagine how I fucking feel. I wrote more cohesive plots on season one of the Malarkey Show.
Good news, we have 10 minutes remaining. I think this is the beginning of the final night where she gets dragged out of bed. Yup, that just happened. And the door closed. If this movie would have premiered when the Vietnam war was happening, I bet at least 7% of the male audience would have left that theater thinking about enlisting in the military to take out some aggression. Micah should have kicked her out of the house as soon as this shit started. Wiped his hands clean of her bullshit. He wants to leave, she wants to stay.
5 minutes remaining. Crank up your best of Europe CD, because it’s The Final Countdown, do do do dooo dodododo do, OK, I am sure I just botched that, but that was the most fun i have had during this film was playing the song in my head. The low calorie G2 Gatorade Glacier Freeze is surprisingly tasty. Oh, there was screaming after she got out of bed. We hear thumping like footsteps. I think this is the scene where they got a few jump scares . Yup, suddenly she flung Micah back in the room. It’s fucking amateur hour. Oh and she was like possessed as she kinda growled at the camera. Micah’s body was discovered by police, but Katie’s whereabouts is a mystery. SPOOKY! And end movie!
If you made it all the way to the end, congratulate yourself and please tell me that you made it through this blog. I wish to acknowledge you for your hard work maybe around blog 50. As for me, I think I am gonna reheat some food, eat it, then shower. I have a long, arduous day ahead of me. Still 3 more of these awful films to review. I really wish I had some chicken wings to get me through the day. Spoiler ruins the whole film, and I’m ok with that. I just saved you 90 boob less minutes.
34 Bare breasts
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