9 Deuce Horror Presents The Tales From The Hood Discussion

To celebrate 9 Deuce 2017, I asked the group to watch Tales From The Hood, one of my all time favorites, or possibly guilty pleasures.  I am undecided.  Anyway, we watched and it’s still has it’s moments.  Thank you Teddy, Cece, and Dom for your time.  Please leave us a comment.

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  1.  Tales From the Hood has 4 stories plus the wrap around story with the mortician.  What is your favorite of these stories?

Teddy:  definitely the killer’s “rehabilitation” it’s a story that connects to the much larger story

Cece: I think my favorite is the Cops story. Story 1.

Dom:  Toss up between : Rogue Cop Revelation and Boys Do Get Bruised

Kent:  Boys Do Get Bruised because of David Allen Grier’s performance.

 

  1.  In “Rogue Cop Revelation”, did Clarence get what he deserved in your opinion?  Did he deserve worse due to his decision to not help or better because he led Strom, Billy, and Newton back to the gravesite?

Teddy:  idk I’m on the fence because he technically did refuse to testify against the other cops, so that sorta makes him complacent and guilty in that sense.

Cece: It’s kind of hard to really say. I mean, he could have definitely done a bit more. Instead he got drunk and just moped around. He could have done a wee bit more to bring the politician to justice.

Dom: He got what he deserved.  He didn’t do anything to stop them and it ultimately led to his own mental break down

Kent:  I say that he may have deserved worse, but having a long life in that mental state is probably worse than I am giving it credit for.  He didn’t do the right thing, and when he tried to finally do it, it was beyond a point of retribution.  He’s the black Theon Greyjoy.

 

  1.  Aside from Marton Morehouse, who got the worst death in “Rogue Cop Revelation”?

Teddy: The worst deaths were the guy getting pulled into the grave by his dick and the last guy to die imo.

Cece: I’d say Newton for sure. The needles plus being placed into a mural with that face of shock!

Dom: I agree with Teddy.  I  mean getting pulled into the earth by a dead dude grabbing your dick?!?!  And getting killed by hypodermic needles, which btw those always remind me of Shawnee Smith and her scene in Saw 2, I saw yes worse but justly deserved deaths

Kent:  Billy got it the worst.  Note all 3 guys noting the dick grabbing.  That is not a coincidence.

 

  1.  In “Boys Do Get Bruised”, we see a very different David Alan Grier than what we were used to at the time.David was just wrapping up his great stint on In Living Color, and in this film, he portrayed a horrible person in a very serious role.  Do you think that he did a good job in his role as Carl/The Monster?

Teddy:  absolutely. Without knowing who he was prior you would’ve never guess he was actually a big comedian.

Cece: Yes, I do. I actually did not really grow up seeing him in other things, so, this wasn’t all too shocking for me. But great job.

Dom:  Absolutely.  It’s great to see any actor who is known for a specific genre and  step outside it and be terrific.  He did a great job

Kent:  Yeah, I loved it.  It reminded me of the handful of times that Jim Carrey absolutely nailed a different type of role, like in Man on the Moon.

 

  1.  At the end of “Boys Do Get Bruised”, we see Walter burn the picture, and therefore he sets the kitchen on fire.  Seriously, how the hell is Walter, Sissy, and Richard supposed to not only explain that fire, but also explain Carl’s disappearance?  Really, that’s not a very happy ending.

Teddy:  I mean they could just chalk it up to “being in the hood” where stuff like that happens a lot

Cece: I mean. He was a fuckin’ demon, dude. Not that anyone would believe them. But hey, it’s true.

Dom: Umm oops?

Kent:  I don’t see a logical out for this one, but as Teddy pointed out, I’m sure cops have dealt with stranger things in the hood.  Wow, did I just make a crossover show/movie?  Stranger Things in the Hood would be amazing.

 

  1.  In “KKK Comeuppance”, do you feel that the morale message of the story may have been lost due to how silly/cartoony/over the top some of the lines and sequences were?

Teddy:  Not at all. The dolls were still scary af even despite the CGI on the dolls during the movement scenes.

Cece: I don’t think so. I mean, the dolls are terrifying dude. But, this is coming from someone who doesn’t like dolls. Either way, the message was very clear.

Dom:  No, the message was still clear.  Doll animation has always and will always be bad when done in movies.  That was the message right?

Kent:  I’m sorry, but you do lose the message a bit when you give the racist guy all of the comedic lines, although a lot were groan inducing.  I felt very conflicted after seeing it because he was an awful guy but also the most entertaining.

 

  1.  In ”Hard Core Convert”, we get a Clockwork Orange type of treatment against violence.  The thing is, he dies at the end because he didn’t learn from his mistakes and allowed rage to take over rather than listening to Dr. Cushing’s advice of taking accountability for his actions.  When the doctor is talking to him during the flashing light sequence, was that all in his head or did he have an opportunity to be set free?

Teddy:  I believe the lady was god or an angel sent to give him another chance at life, and he blew it.

Cece: He was definitely given a chance to walk out, being absolved, but, he decided to go against it and keep acting ignorant.

Dom:  He had an opportunity.

Kent:  I think it was all in his head, or in an afterlife type setting.  It also kinda reminded me of A Christmas Carol, or more specifically, Mickey’s Christmas Carol.  Scrooge made good on the opportunity.  

 

  1.  I think that there are many similarities in this film to other films and TV shows.  Name 3 or less and explain why or how they relate.  Yes, limit yourself to 3.

Teddy:  I’m not a big show buff so I can’t really name any xD

Cece: The only thing I found this really similar to, is Creepshow. The campy filming and the fact that it’s anthology. Not really too sure on any others?

Dom:  Creepshow movies, Tales from the Crypt, Tales From the Darkside, Trick or Treat, Trilogy of Terror,etc….  So many, many more

Kent:  Geez Dom, you left out Creepshow 2 and 3, Asylum, Twilight Zone, Outer Limits, Tales of Halloween, Nightmares and Dreamscapes, Masters of Horror, Fear Itself, and probably another 100 things that I have long since forgotten.  Oh, and Cat’s Eye!  I love that movie!

 

  1.  I love knowing what people’s favorite lines are in films that have several great one liners.  What is your favorite line from Tales From The Hood?

Teddy:  “I’m gonna piss on his grave”

Cece: Mr. Simms: “Don’t worry. You’ll get the shit. You’ll be knee-deep in the shit. I’ve got it hid. There’s so much… I couldn’t even lift it all myself.”

Dom: “Welcome, to Hell”

Kent:  Nothing can top the knee deep in the shit line.  I have said that to people in various contexts and every once in awhile, somebody recognizes where that line came from.  He delivers that line so fucking great.

 

Bonus Deuce

  1.  Could Tales From the Hood be a successful film in 2017?  Why or why not?

Teddy:  With the injustices that still exist in this day for PoC I feel this movie is still relevant. I think it would have pretty good success especially since Get Out made bank recently.

Cece: Most definitely! They should do a like Fathom events type thing around Halloween and re-release this to theaters. I’d go!

Dom:  Totally.

Kent:  I don’t think the KKK one could go down today.  With some tweaks though, yes.  The thing is, you can’t be preachy in your message or else you lose a good chunk of your audience, hi Crash.  I would love to see a sequel with new stories, or even a Candyman that touches on this stuff.  Candyman in Detroit would be bad ass.

 

  1.  What was the silliest thing that happened in this film?

Teddy:  I think it’s a tie between DAG’s death due to being crumbled up, and the Cop’s death by dick grabbing xD

Cece: I think Mr. Simms is. And he’s also my favorite part about it all, too.

Dom: Those damn dolls

Kent:  Mr Simms is, no doubt about it for me.  The puddle of a person that DAG ended up in was also amazing.

#148 Children of the Corn 666: Isaac’s Return (1999) Review

Well, it sounds like Isaac is returning in this one.  Stacey Keach is in this, and he’s awesome. And it got a 3.7 on IMDB. Why did people continue to make these movies? Like who was their audience that kept saying we want more awful Children of the Corn sequels? I am a hardcore horror fan, just in case you haven’t been paying attention, yet I don’t know a single person who loved or even liked any movie aside from the original.  So I repeat, who is their target audience?

So we start off with this pretty decent looking chick, Hannah, and she drives past an older dude on the side of the road. He is reading from the Bible to her, and then told her Samuel would make a good name for a son. She said that she didn’t foresee kids in her future, and he said that she may not have a choice. Suddenly he magically disappears, and she crashes into the cornfield. A female cop talks down to her, and checks her license. She then realizes “it’s her” whatever the fuck that means. So the cop now is ok with taking her to the hospital. That’s where Stacey Keach is a a doctor of sorts.”Am I gonna live til my next birthday?” “Oh that’s tomorrow, on Halloween.” How mother fucking convenient.  She is looking to find info about Gatlin, and now the cop has lost somebody and it’s apparently not the first time. So they go looking and Hannah snoops in Keach’s office.

Apparently, there is nothing but kids in this hospital. She is roaming the halls and some dude jumps out, grabs Hannah telling her that she’s the only one who can stop Isaac. He is chasing her. He keeps saying that “He’s the resurrection of life” And he disappears, but then somehow got ahead of her. This is surprisingly creepy. She gets chased to a room where Isaac is lying in bed unconscious. And she just woke him. They are using the original guy who played Isaac in the original CotC. That guy has not had a great career.

Some guy named Gabriel finds Hannah and brings her car to her. The cop asks why he let her go, and Gabriel says the prophecy says that she has to find out herself. Now some old ass Ford pickup is trying to run her off the road. The fuck? She ends up at a motel, and there’s a creepy kid outside. The crazy guy in the hospital is trying to “Smite the wicked” and tries suffocating Isaac, but Keach stops him. There’s 2 teens running the motel, and they know Hannah’s name. Hannah wants the cops, but there’s only the one chick cop, Cora. The chick was a bitch, so the dude tries to help as there aren’t any hotels around for ways.

Something about Isaac at the hospital. I dunno. Hannah goes to leave her room and there is like 10-15 teens outside hanging out, and creepy kid was hanging in the back seat of her convertible. Isaac asks Cora how long it’s been, and Cora tells him 19 years. Isaac has a son. It could be Cora’s I don’t know yet. Hannah is back at the hospital. I know I’m gonna regret this, but I am actually enjoying this movie.  Hannah sees weird visions of Isaac walking down the hall in a walker. Gabriel shows up, tells her that Isaac is locked up, to protect him. Hannah is apparently looking for her mother, and apparently her mom was a member of the cult, as was Gabriel’s parents. Suddenly Jake swings an axe, at a rat. Jake is apparently Cora’s brother. Jake knows like the whole town’s lineage and who begat who.

Some dude broke into Hannah’s room. Ohhh, she is in a tand and panties. I’m not gonna lie, that was a thing of beauty, her ass that is. The guy was the dude in the pick up. I am guessing it will be the original creepy guy who disappeared in the beginning. Suddenly a weird guy, Jesse, with a machete approaches her and asks if she has a gas can. He knows who she is, asks if she will be coming to the festival, she says she’ll pass, but I call bullshit. OK, the truck driver was a lady named Rachel Colby, it appears she is a mid aged gal. She was bringing flowers to a grave. It was the grave of Baby Colby. Alrighty then.

Back at the motel, in the shower it says “Get out or die” written in blood. Hmmm, Rachel may be Hannah’s mom. Hannah was Amos’ woman, as he sacrificed himself for He Who Walks Behind The Rose. Apparently Rachel’s daughter is going to foster the next generation of children. Rachel may also be with Stacey Keach, the Doc. Yup, they are leading us to believe that Rachel is Hannah’s mom. This whole movie is one giant mindfuck. Hannah is apparently here to find her mom. Gabriel keeps hanging out with Hannah. Stacey tells Rachel that he won’t be needing her to bring dinner to him anymore after tonight. He urges her to go see her daughter, and she says she should have never given her up. Jake is trying to flood Stacey’s office. Isaac is pissed at Keach for getting Hannah out of the town. Isaac is talking to Matt, the nice guy from the motel. He’s gonna father the child that’s gonna lead the next generation.

We’re at the halfway point, I think I need to stop the play by play. This movie so far….I dig it. I will keep posted on anything truly great, but I think if you are enjoying this so far, go download this and enjoy it. You should see the original again because so many of the characters are referenced in this. Rachel, Amos, and Isaac are all in the original.

So some bad shit happens, so shit gets said, 2 somebody’s save the day, one somebody gets got, the other does other stuff. And Hannah is in her panties again. Uh oh, somebody is trying to fuck up the prophecy. This is the worse sex scene I have seen in a long ass time. Lots of grunting and ohhs and ahss, and kissing, but not boobs, butts, or balls. C’mon, I thought this was America!!!!

Well there have been some well thought out twists and turns, some more obvious than others.

Here’s my final thoughts.

All in all, that was the best CotC since the original, and it’s not even close. In some ways, the story was actually better. I only gave the original a 5, I must have been pissed, it deserves a 5.5-6.0 range. This movie, it was actually better. How the hell is that possible? I came in with such low expectations, and other people may see this movie as utter garbage, and I would understand that point of view, but this movie has so many positive things going for it. It has creepy children, creepy hopsital, voices all around, a cult, killer children, a mysterious past that slowly unravels, a horrible sex scene. It really has a lot of positive things, and they are pretty well done all things considering. I cannot believe I am saying this, but I am giving this movie a 6.6 rating. Not gonna be cheesy and say 6.66 to go with the movie. I can’t give it a 7, but it’s just a smidge better than 6.5. I recommend this to fans of horror. If my list of positive aspects appeals to your taste in horror, try this out. It’s short, like 75-80 minutes. The ending isn’t amazing, but it’s what it needed to be, and sometimes that’s all I ask for. I also learned not to search for Children of the Corn 666 Hannah Panties. Got lots of porn. I saw some things I can’t un-see.

The Quest for Breasts Total

56 Bare breasts

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#147 Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror (1998) Review

Here I am, looking on IMDB, checking out the cast. We got Fred Williamson (Black guy in From Dusk Till Dawn), Kane Hodder (Jason Voorhees in 4 of the Friday the 13th), David Carradine (Bill from Kill Bill), Ahmet Zappa, Angela Jones (Asmarelda Villalobos from Pulp Fiction, and Eva Mendes (Will Farrell’s woman in The Other Guys which is a fantastic film). I also noticed Alexis Arquette and I saw that she was in Pulp Fiction. Now this is where some people may laugh at me for not knowing this, but Alexis used to be Robert, and Robert was the guy that shot a ton at Samuel L and Travolta inside the apartment, but missed them completely. Yeah, that guy, who is now that girl.

With that being said, that’s quite the cast list. Let’s hope this movie is remotely watchable.

We start off with a doofy looking kid going to a cornfield at night, some green power flows into him. He got mad at his dad, got him outside, flew him up into the air with his new magic power, then like shocked him to death. It’s absolutely as dumb as it sounds. The mom comes out and 2 other children come out to get her.

Now we have Zappa and Jones riding around in a convertible. Zappa is obsessed with blow up dolls and leaving them randomly on the road so his buddies can find them. While putting one up, Charlotte, played by Jones goes out to the cornfield. Why? Because……she wanted corn. Zappa goes looking for her. She sees kids running around in the corn. She just got sliced up, they barely showed anything, like I don’t even know how she died because they would only show bloody corn falling. This is awful. Well 5 kids are checking out the dead body. Dumbass Zappa makes too much noise upon finding them. So he gets chased. Now, despite everything you have read, this is about to get worse.

So 2 kids start chasing Zappa. One magically get in front of Zappa and pushes him backwards, more accurately bulldozes him backwards. Zappa is clearly bigger, but putting up no fight despite staying on his feet. they are going fast, and then Zappa gets impaled by a scythe. A scythe held by a girl. The girl didn’t even budge. So he was pushing an adult back with such force and velocity to easily impale him, BUT she didn’t even move an inch from the impact. Sorry, I’ll buy into the levitation and magical shocking before I’ll buy that the girl didn’t move an inch.

We get back to our 4 main characters, which is 2 dudes, a homely bitch, and Eva Mendes. A blowup doll falls on their windshield, they end up driving off the side of the road. 3 children act unfriendly to them. They go to a bar to try to get assistance. They talk to Kane Hodder (Jason Voorhees) the bartender. They don’t get much info from all the bar people. They go outside, and there’s sheriff Fred Williamson. He tells them there’s a bus at 8AM and 8PM, and if they run they can make the 8PM. Oh, Eva is wearing heels. They get there in time to see the bus pull away. They end up in this abandoned house. They talk about fruit cocktail and she tosses a dude a can of SMEAT which is movie generic speak for SPAM. This was sooo bad.

Our 4 main people are Allison, the homely girl, Greg, the person who becomes Alexis and is the nice guy, Ker, Eva Mendes who just had a boyfriend die and had his ashes splashed over her, and Tyrus, the guy who is now banging Eva Mendes. Good for Tyrus. The gang finds their 2 dead friends. The sheriff likes to give these kids shit for finding their dead friends. He wants them to take the 8AM bus the fudge up outta Dodge. Of course Allison wants to stay so she can find her brother i guess. This story foolish. Allison does have a decent ass, nothing mind blowing but you know, like if you’re bored, why not? The group decides to stay in town, real smart. they run into the children again, she wants to see her brother, whom little magic kid knows, and apparently knows Allison’s name. That’s silly. Oh, Tyrus told Eva that last night wasn’t a one night stand, but Eva says it was to her. BOOOOM!!!

Now Allison has to speak to creepy ass David Carradine. He gets all creepy talking about how he helps take care of the children and stuff about He Who Walks Behind The Rows. Allison is trying to match wits with Bill, well Carradine’s name is Luke, but for fuck’s sake, he will always be Bill to me. The creepy kid’s name is Ezeekial, one of my preferred names for a male.

Greg is snoopng around, a boy with an axe scares him. Eva is talking to Zane, another child from the corn.  Eva starts crying, for like 2 seconds, no tears, no wrinkled face, no redness in the eyes. She is a quality actress. Let’s face it, if she didn’t look the way she does, she would be shacking up with a guy using him for his money because she is somewhat talentless with adequate assets. Allison finds Jacob. Apparently his birthday is tomorrow, I wonder if the plot will be that he is turning the bad age, 18 when he becomes the age where he stops being pure of heart and then becomes evil. He is married, and probably tomorrow, he’ll be sacrificed.

I can’t believe I have written this much about this awful movie. They are reading this book that Jacob gave to his sister. Eva decides the book makes sense about how adults taint children into being evil. Hehehe, I said taint. Allison reads what Jacob wrote, the first letters in the column spell out HELP. Sheriff is mad that the group is still there. Oh, Eva took off.

Oh, look at this, Jacob has to ascend the ladder and jump into the flame because he’s turned 18 and this will help the crops. Seriously, this shit is predictable. Jacob doesn’t want to kill himself, so he pleads with his wife to leave with him. Well Ezeekial sends a few kids to go after him. “Who among us will next become 18 years old?” Out comes Eva saying she will be. She wants to join and she wants to join with Kurt, her dead boy toy. This is so bad. Eva is gonna climb the ladder in this super short dress. Every boy is gonna have a wet dream that evening. Good lawd. She is up, she looks at this fire that has green in it, and she leaps in. See ya eye candy. Maybe next time you can show your tits.

Uh oh, Jacob is strung up, he has committed insubordination. Ezeekial stabs him and says his sole purpose will be to serve as a scarecrow. Mmmhmm. Uh oh, the outsiders are coming. I am assuming they are not referring to Scott Hall and Kevin Nash from the NWO in WCW in the late 90’s. Admit it, you know who I am talking about. Now the NWO song should be playing in your head.

Now emergency vehicles are showing up at the house. The sheriff has a search warrant and he wants to nail Bill’s ass. Bill gives a bunch of scary prophetic shit about He Who Walks Behind The Rows is gonna be pissed. 2 firemen are now on fire. They don’t know how to put it out. They clearly are not good at their job.

I don’t know if I can properly put what I just saw into words. Bill says he can no longer stop what’s coming. Bill’s head starts illuminating and splits open, a little creature sprouts up, and spits a fireball through the sheriff’s head and kills him too. WOW.

The other cop got killed. Allison got attacked but Greg saved her. They can’t find Eva, for obvious reasons. Here we go, the run through the cornfield at night scene. Lots of rabble rabble rabble. This is the epitome of so bad that it’s good. I would recommend Eminem’s song So Bad to all my ladies out there. It features Dr Dre. Allison, Tyrus, and Greg end up in a barn hiding, and there is Jacob. He’s dying. He’s dead. The guys find Charlotte’s car, that’s their ticket out. OK, so Greg is dead, he blew up 2 of his assailants and himself while working on the car. I think Tyrus is dead. Allison ascended the ladder. Ezeekial followed and hooked her in teh back. She unhooked herself, then hooked him and flung him in the flame. She also just threw something else in the flame. This last 20 minutes is fucking brutal. Allison leads the remaining kids away, they are all scurred and lost with Ezeekial.

Allison goes to a house, and apparently this is Lily’s adopted family’s home. Home is Jacob’s window, and she had a baby. Allison is gonna raise her nephew. Ugh, Allison is singing Mockingbird to the baby. HOLY CRAP, the baby has flames in it’s eyes. What a tweest!!! Fucking AWFUL!

I give this movie a 5.1 because I could see myself watching this again, and I don’t know why. It’s not good, it’s really not. I think it’s more the laughability of it all. You don’t have to be a fan of the franchise to understand this movie. It it self explanatory awfulness. I don’t recommend it, I truly don’t, but as I have learned, some readers actively seek out the movies I don’t recommend for all of the wrong reasons, Amanda Bellinger, I’m looking your way. Watch it with some friends, I think you may have a good time, as long as your friends are funny. Don’t have anybody annoying like Buzz Killington in the room. Onward we go.

The Quest for Breasts Total

56 Bare breasts

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#146 The Exorcist (1973) Review

A horror movie with an 8.0 rating on IMDB? Well, we must be in for a treat, right? Hmmm, it’s 40 years old. Watching with Raylene who has never seen this, so this is a barometer for people who have no patience, to see an older film.

Well I dropped the ball big time, as I started falling asleep. Then follow that up with a day full of Walking Dead. So here we are, about 30 minutes in. Oh, and nothing has really happened.

So far Regan was getting bloodwork, She saw a demon, and now she is swearing at the doctor. OK, 30 minutes for that. I should say that Regan’s mom, played by the awesome Ellen Burstyn, who I absolutely adored in Requiem For A Dream, she plays an actress who is temporarily in Washington DC for some acting work. There’s a young priest who’s mom is very sick. This is making him have doubts with his faith. And then there is Max Von Sydow, another Father, and he is gonna tangle with an old foe.

Regan interrupted a dinner party with her mom’s friends, and she told some dude “You’re gonna die up there” and then she pissed herself in front of everybody. A few minutes later and Regan is screaming. Momma comes rushing in and the bed is shaking with Regan in it. Regan likes to swear, the doctor thinks Regan has mental issues, and a lesion in the temporal lobe and that may cause spasms.

Yup, Raylene finally had her moment of making fun of a 40 year old movie and how non scary it is. Students of the film game just audibly sighed. I get the viewpoint of both. I try to get people to put themselves in that time frame, the mindset of the time. Uncreative people lack imagination. It happens. But some people are able to wrap their head around it. And at this point, I have settled down her outrage, not with a snickers, but by persistently making my point. You see, I am a persistent prick, and if I am passionate, I’m not losing no damn argument.

Back to the movie, Father Karras is bow trying to help Chris, the mom, with Regan. This is some crazy shit. Keep in mind, 2 generations ago, society was a lot more religious and god fearing. Now I don’t care where you stand on religion, but if you was and had never seen anything like this before, this would be pretty fucking freaky.

This is one of those movies, that once it picks up, it really grabs your attention and doesn’t let go. So yeah, I stopped typing. The whole Exorcism scene was really an amazing thing to behold. It’s funny to me that there have been numerous possession movies since this one, none really top this for drama and aura of the situation. That’s pretty impressive. I’m sure some of you can name a different movie or scene, and that may be true, but I still think this has held the test of time and is still the best at what it does. Maybe it’s not scary to desensitized audiences of today, but it is still very well done.

I would recommend this to anybody who loves films, or like to get some horror history lessons. I really recommend this to younger people, just hold out and show some patience, and you will be rewarded. I give this movie a solid 7.5. It’s just so well done and holds up to the test of time.  Definitely earns it’s keep on the horror film all time pantheon.

The Quest for Breasts Total

56 Bare breasts

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#145 Sorority House Massacre (1986) Review

I need a slasher to get my head back in the game. So why not go to the decade where the slasher genre was perfected? We are back in 1986, and a sorority house is going to apparently get massacred. Here’s the synopsis from IMDB.com.

“A little girl’s brother kills the whole family but her (she escapes by hiding in the basement). He is committed, and she grows up with a new family, eventually going to college, where she joins a sorority. Due to a memory block, she doesn’t remember that the sorority house was her childhood house. Her brother senses her presence in the house and escapes so he can finish the job he was unable to complete.”

There’s absolutely nothing outlandish there at all. I mean, I usually sense when somebody I haven’t see in years goes in a house that I haven’t been in in many years. That’s like a sixth sense. It’d be better than seeing dead people.

OK, the outfits…..this is way better than your typical 80’s style in a horror movie. Check these ladies out. Especially the white dress.

Or this pic.

The boobs just piled up. 1….2…..3, 3 boobs! The girls were playing dress up in awful outfits, so many awful outfits. And this all happened during some smooth sax, reminded me of Kenny G’s version of Careless Whisper. I wanna hear that song right now, it’s great. “The hair, dresses, the music, the breasts” is what I just said outloud. The killer just stole a station wagon with the wood paneling on the side, and the woman half assedly tried to stop him, so she got half assedly hit.

Naturally we’re at the point where teh boys come over to scare them, Here was the best thing, our main girl has the same haircut and color as her boy toy. This really happened. I couldn’t tell who was who. It’s not like she dresses like a lady, or has big knockers or anything like that.

This movie is bad, but in a silly way. It keeps me paying attention.  This whole bullshit with the brother and sister sensing one another….that’s just garbage.

So that whole paying attention thing…..I apparently lied. This movie has hit a really bad lull. the middle third has been boring as hell. Yeah, even now with the killer doing his thing, he is beyond dull.  I don’t need a charismatic murderer, but I want him to want it. That’s very important to me. This guy seems determined, but lacking that special something that all horror icons have.

We’re down to 3 girls still alive, and I just want everybody to die. No amount of great ending will make this good. We know it’s watchable. Hell, there’s a Dee Snider poster in the beginning on a wall. That is solid. A movie shouldn’t progressively get worse. It can have highs and lows, but it shouldn’t peak 20-30 minutes in and just snowball downhill after. That’s not cool. Here’s another downfall, with 12 minutes remaining, including credits, so we’re in final 10 minute territory, they spend 4 minutes hiding in the same place. I’m sorry, that is not anywhere close to how you should be spending the last 10 minutes of a horror film.

This girl keeps hitting the killer with a shovel, like you are trying to save your friend from murder, and it’s like an 8 year old girl is hitting him with a shovel that is too heavy for her to wield.  That’s just poor directing  Storyline, the idea was there, but the execution was abysmal

I really, really wish I could make a sweeping recommendation. I can’t and won’t. Too many issues. It’s ok as cheesy background noise horror flick while you’re playing poker or something like that. It is on Netflix, so feel free to check it out. But I can’t even use the “it’s so bad, it’s good logic” because that charm wore off quickly. I am giving it a 4, although it was almost a 3.5. I can’t overlook the fact that the plot idea in an of itself could have really made this stand out, but it needed a little more than slight tweaking. Oh well, missed opportunity. I’d like to see this movie revisited and remade with some alterations. I’m not saying that would make a great movie, but you could easily get to the 6-7 range with proper directing and a smarter script.

The Quest for Breasts Total

56 Bare breasts

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#144 Children of the Corn: The Gathering (part 4) (1996) Review

We are back to those crazy kids in their corn. This sequel was filmed a year after Urban Harvest (Part 3) and that was a treat, so hopefully this will be too.

This movie actually has 2 stars, how the hell did that happen? Naomi Watts, I love that lady, so much as well as Karen Black from house of 1000 Corpses (Mother Firefly). We hopefully are in for a good time.

So of the important things, Naomi Watts, although attractive here, really got more beautiful over the next decade plus.

I don’t think I have ever seen this one, but so far, it’s been dull and not much cohesion.  The story here is that Grace (Naomi Watts) has come back home because her mom June (Karen Black) is having mental issues, going a little crazy.

Grace has 2 younger siblings, Margaret and James. Apparently she has a black chick friend, Sandra. Sandra’s dad and brother are in this Grace and Sandra help out at a doctor’s office. The doctor is an awesome old dude. You just know he is going to die at some point. A bunch of the town’s kids are all experiencing fevers. Oh and here is the bad ass kid who will be our leader of the children I am sure. These kids are running temps over 105, and they are convulsing because evil kid is somehow fucking with their dreams or something. This is nonsense at it’s finest. It all culminated in a girl screaming, and the kids are in ice baths, and the fevers are dropping. How does a movie with such talent have such a bad story?

Looking through the cast list, there’s a character without a last name, named Josiah. I’m taking a giant leap of faith and guessing that he is the evil kid. Ugh, so sick of these bugs in these movies. I don’t think they existed in part 1 or part 2. Hell I can’t recall. It’s still stupid as hell. Uh oh, black did named Marcus is now evil, and mommy just got it. The cops think daddy did it, and he’s trying to explain to the cops that his boy ain’t right. The boy just casually climbs over a fence, and into the cornfield. The cop is following. I fully anticipate some cornstalks roughing him up. Let’s see how this plays out. I was wrong. Marcus distracted him and another kid killed the cop.

This movie is so uninteresting. I tried to care, I genuinely tried, but this was borderline unwatchable. I hated this, I gave up midway and it was on, but my mind wasn’t functioning. I am giving it a 2. How did a movie with those 2 stars end up soooo bad? I can’t recommend this to anybody. The story with the kids was way too off the wall, even by CotC standards. I’m not even going to make fun of it. I just want to move on. If you want a good Naomi Watts movie, go watch The Ring. If you want a good Karen Black film, go watch House of 1,000 Corpses. Enough said.

The Quest for Breasts Total

53 Bare breasts

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#143 Slumber Party Massacre III (1990) Review

This is the end of a fantastic little trilogy. I loved this film as a teen. Let’s see how it holds up.

We start out with a scene on the beach. 2 girls are clearly skanks talking about how skanky they are. One white girl talks about how much she wants this black guy. Well, IF she lives, I bet she will be buying him sneakers and carrying them through the mall for him, because that’s what white bitches do when they date black dudes.

There’s a creepy dude staring at the group. He looks like Jeff Hardy. Is this a surprise to you? It’s not to me. His name is Yan Birch, and he’s a Swede. Some girl got killed, and nobody cares.

Now we’re at the slumber party. 3 of these ladies have some special awful look. I am making fun of this girl’s hair for how awful it is. Raylene says “I think that’s what my hair looks like”. I look over, chuckle and feel satisfied and say “Uh huh”.  One girl has a terrible floral top, weirdly cut jean shorts that are too long and boots. Another has this weirdly cut belly shirt that is cut like a frown on the bottom. And of course the girl with the awful Raylene-esque hair, I just don’t even want to. One girl looked good in a bathrobe, but her striped shirt and jeans with patches look doesn’t work too well. One girl is attractive and could wear what she has on even nowadays, some looks are classic. Oh, another girl shows up, and she is wearing a vest, because women in vests and white tshirts and boots…just nope.

Here’s the strip tease part!!! So fantastic. The girl with the awful hair had large dark areolas, and the hottest chick had a soft pink ones. It was quite the contrast. Thankfully, I can add 2 to the Quest For Breasts count. The guys crashed the strip tease. Dumbasses.

All the girls are horny, angry and screechy for the next 15 minutes. Oh, and bad hair ordered pizza. Some things are always staples.

There was a pizza delivery chick who got bribed to switch shirts with a creepy guy. On her way back to her car, she got got. It’s a shame, she was more attractive than most of the girls in this one.

I think they invented a new genre of music, heavy metal makeout music. Hey, my blonde chick is topless again. Blondes are fun. Oh Raylene just insulted me. How classy, coming from a 2 bit skank missing her days when she used to be a skank. BOOM!

My girl, come to find out is named Juliet. She was trying to bang a dude named Ken. After their fling, she went to the bathroom to shower. She found a back massager that plugs into the outlet, not like those battery operated ones that your mom owns. Raylene then gets vulgar claiming it was a vibrator. I found this whole conversation deplorable. Sometimes a girl just needs a good rub, am I right ladies?

Oh, and Juliet got electrocuted while showering via aforementioned massager. The party calls the police, and the police dismiss her because that’s what cops do obviously. There’s a sign that says “Before you do crack,” but you can’t read the rest. That’s a shame.

Ken and another dude are going to get help. They end up in a lumber mill and Ken hurt his ankle. By Gawd, he just turned heel like HHH. Seriously, he hit the guy with a sledgehammer. How fucking great is that. And he now is like Chainsaw Charlie and goes after his Achilles. This movie has it all!

The dialogue…so good. They realize there’s a window in the basement, so she goes to grab a tool from the fireplace. She says “Give me that poker” and guy responds “No…..besides, they’re tongs”. Fantastic.

Brooding Ken is in the back of a  truck, and he has dead bodies, candles, a newspaper clipping about his dead uncle. It’s a nice set up. Now Ken has come back to get some vengeance. I won’t spoil all the fun for you.

Raylene is complaining about logic. As I try explaining, women on their own accord don’t do well in this situation. Put 5 panicky women in the same room, and all logic is vanquished from the premises. It’s like  hanging with a short guy who has short guy syndrome who has been drinking. At some point, he’s gonna feel disrespected and start a fight. Just like Tom Cruise, only not in a closet.

Now this girl just got slapped and hit in the face 5 times. We go back to her face, no bruising, a small trickle of blood. Big nips can’t pull herself out a basement window despite 2 women helping boost her. Wait, the other girl’s face is now badly bruised. For real??? This girl can’t climb out a window, but she letting him fondle her like there’s no tomorrow.  There’s them areolas again. I am hoping he motorboats, but I have my doubts. She is starting to like it. Mind you,3 girls just watched this and the ensuing violence.

OK, so he has been blinded by bleach. Bruised face takes advice from the other 2 dumbasses about how to get to them. She takes the direct, walk inches away from him approach as opposed to taking 10 extra steps and being safe.

It ended, I’m happy. You happy? Good, you better be. I would recommend this to fans to like a little laugh while watching Friday the 13th. I give this a solid 6.8. Watch it, love it, embrace it. And always make fun of it.

The Quest for Breasts Total

53 Bare breasts

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#142 Zombie Night (2013) Review

This movie is on NetFlix. It has a few notable people in Daryl Hannah, Anthony Michael Hall, and Alan Ruck (trust me, you most likely know who he is).

It starts out and zombies are striking. And they don’t let up….because it’s zombie night. This movie is almost a modern day Night Of The Living Dead scenario, only with worse acting.

I think we are supposed to sympathize with certain characters, but it’s next to impossible.

I just got asked why I don’t seem to be typing much in this blog. Here’s the simple truth. This movie is bad. It’s not cheesy enough to be funny. It’s not good at any one thing really, it screams mediocre all around. Not the actor’s faults, they’re doing adequate. The story and  film in general just is beyond blah. Therefore I am stuck with nothing to really make fun of, no terrible one liners, no tits, no exceptionally scantily clad vixens. No overt racism or sexism. No over the top violence. Most movies have one overwhelming characteristic. Something that you walk away thinking, well it may have been _____ but at least it was ______. In this case it may have been boring and bland, but at least it was…..inoffensive??? I’d rather spend this time teaching a 60 year old how to use a smartphone or tablet. It may be irritable, but at least something would be accomplished.

In conclusion, this movie is terrible. I don’t want to waste anymore of your time than this movie has of my time. I recommend this if you have a severe hard on for everything zombie, and even then, I doubt you’re gonna have a good time.I am giving this a 2.5. No real redeeming qualities. Sorry, I wish it was better, but it is on NetFlix.

This picture describes my reaction to trying to watch this movie.

The Quest for Breasts Total

51 Bare breasts

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#141 Children of the Corn III: Urban Harvest (1995) Review

Just look at that name…Urban Harvest. It’s  now 1995, and white suburbia was trying to get in on urban/black culture. Fresh Prince of Bel Air was really popular, Coolio was relevent. It was a weird time for everyone. Let’s see how bad things can get here.

This movie actually got a lower rating than part 2 on IMDB. We have an immediate case of uh oh.

We have Eli and Joshua Porter. Their dad wants to whoop Joshua’s ass in the cornfield. Eli summoned the worces, the corn suddenly have this innate ability to wrap themselves, grow at will, stretch you. put you up on a cross, and somehow stitch your eyes and mouth shut. This all just happened.

The boys re getting adopted by a white couple in Chicago. Believe it or not, on the ride, they see a bunch of black people, henceforth Urban Harvest. I am trying here folks. Eli is supposed to be the Issac character here. He is awful. Less than 10 minutes in….this is going to give my paranormal torturefest a run for it’s money. Alright, 2 black people playing basketball. Joshua wanders next door, he asks the black dude why he has his hat on backwards. Oh mid 90’s, when will you learn?

So Eli brought a suitcase full of bugs from the moms standpoint, but it was a Jedi mind trick, he actually has a suitcase full of corn. Seriously, not clothes, but corn. Oh and the boys sleep together. William and Amanda are the parental names by the by. You needed to know this.  Eli has snuck out, already found a building with a hole in a fence, and is in there sacrificing corn to he who walks behind the rows. The corn went from yellow to black.

So they get sent to school, and they are to be in seprate classes. They are less than pleased. the classroom was straight out of Dangerous minds. the black boys are already being lewd and bullying these boys. A knife was involved, a threat to suck a dick, so many stereotypes just being fulfilled in this.

WAIT, business just picked up. So Joshua befriend a black dude and his sister, who used to be Eddie Winslow’s girlfriend on Family Matters. SO she tells her borther to let Joshua in the game. This was great. It was like how Edward Norton dominated the bothers in American History X. This movie….already.

Eli has a full field of corn growing in the place he found. Mom is pissed. She wants daddy to cut it down. A bum found it, he ate a piece, he got got. The dad checks out the corn, it’s tasty. He wants to make money off of it. Eli planted bugs in the cafeteria. Joshua is making friends, Eli is not.  The principle is a Father. He just had a bug come up out of his mouth. This movie makes my head ache.

So the Father is preaching, Eli is bored and commenting, so Father says if you can do better, why don’t you come up and do so. So Eli comes up, delivers a great sermon about how adults are bad. Well Father gets pissed because he got upstaged, so he punishes Eli.  Eli also killed his social worker. Just found out Joshua and Eli didn’t share the same father, Eli was adopted. William is trying to see the corn to a rich dude. Eli just asked Amanda for a motherly kiss goodbye before leaving, and he rammed his tongue in her ear. She’s pissed, trying to cut the corn down. Eli is doing some crayon drawings, reminiscent of the original. Amanda is getting attacked by the corn. Did you get all of that? So Amanda escapes the corn, enters the buildng, steps backwards on a pole, she rolls backwards and impales her head. Damn shame she is gone….not really, but I was hoping Eli would continue mind raping her.

Haha, we see a girl and they start from the legs and scroll up. When we get to the ass, it is clear as day that this is a black girl, that ass was something.

Eli has now recruited most of the students into following his rhetoric. They are out killing parents and wearing sweet burlap sack masks.

This movie is garbage, but it’s surprisingly funny. I’m liking this way more than part 2. When Josh and Malcolm, yes the black guy’s name is Malcolm, are in the original cornfield where Joshua’s dad got fucked up, well now he’s a human scarecrow.  This whole sequence, actually the last 30 minutes, they’re kind of a treat with the right mindset.

I can’t begin  to tell you how much this epic final scene is. The green screen, claymation, special effects, using honest to god barbie dolls in place of people. You can’t make this shit up.. This is good for all of the wrong reasons, but it’s the train wreck you can’t look away from, think Sharknado films.

Who can I recommend this to? People who like their horror with some bad special effects, like really fucking bad special effects. Id you like to laugh with some gore mixed in, and some racial stereotyping of the mid 90’s, this is absolutely for you. I’m giving this a 5.6.

The Quest for Breasts Total

51 Bare breasts

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#140 Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice (1992)

Hey, this movie came out in 1992. Usually that is a joyous thing, but the early 90’s was a terrible time to be a horror fan. I’d say I have a bad feeling about this, but let’s be honest, is there a good Children of the Corn aside from the original? We will find out the answer this year.

Our 2 main people seemingly is John (dad) and Danny (late teen son), and John is Danny’s divorced father and Danny seems to really harbor some ill will towards his dad. John is a reporter, and you guessed it, he and a bunch of others are back in Gatlin 8 years later after the bodies from part one have been discovered in the corn. There is some teenager named Micah, he strikes me as bad business. And there was some girl with a very nice personality on her moped, and by nice personality, I mean she had very nice cleavage. Sweet, there’s a dude named Mordeci, and as a fan of Awesome Show and Borderlands, I love that name. They keep bringing up Issac. Micah just went through some weird transformation internally, in one of the worst displays of special effects of that time. It is so bad, I mean unbelievably bad that I cannot do it justice. Micah is suddenly a mouth piece for “He who walks behind the rows” which is this franchises main evil entity. Damn, everything I am typing just comes off so asinine.

Danny decides he didn’t want to hang out with his dad, so he is trying to get home, but he is having no luck, and he ends up in the cornfield and sees the kids all together.

This random old lady is yelling at John about how the kids are evil and how her husband walked into a cornfield 15 years ago and never came back, and that is why she is leaving and taking her home with her. Wait a fucking minute!!!!

So you mean to tell me that it’s been 15 years, and now, just this very minute is the time to have this outburst and you are going to move your whole house somehow old woman? Who wrote this.

Danny is a creeper and found hot chick under a waterfall of sorts and was just staring at her, so they flirt. Fuck him. He’s about as unlikeable as his father.  That’s something that gets overlooked by most in horror.When writing for your main characts, you have to determine if they will be likeable or not. How many characters in Friday the 13th are likeable? Not many, they want you cheering on Jason. Same with Leprechaun. Nightmare on Elm Street always had the unenviable task from part 3 and beyond of making somewhat likeable characters to tangle with Freddy, but you simply had to side with Freddy everytime. I get the feeling that our main characters are supposed to be likeable, but they just aren’t’ Unfortunately, neither are the “bad guys”. Consider this the anti Nightmare on Elm Street.

Haha, the old lady was crawling under her house getting her cat, and the children lowered the hydraulics holding the house up, and splat. We find out that Danny and John are from NY, that explains why they’re douches. Let’s face it, people in the northeast, in NY, NJ, MA, PA, etc are some of the most miserable mother fuckers in the whole US. I am pretty sure it is weather related.  Hot chick’s name is Lacey and she wants Danny to take her back with him to NY, and he is like “Oh I can’t”. What a pussy. You have a girl looking like that telling your mongoloid ass to bring her back home with you, and you say no? I truly hope Danny dies, he won’t, but I hope he does.

This scene in the church is so beyond fucking dumb. Micah is in the back row whittling on a statue of a dude, and wherever he whittles, this man in teh church starts bleeding, so first it’s the nose, then it starts pouring, and then his mouth, his eyes, his ears, and suddenly he is like spewing out blood all over everybody. Now everybody is concerned trying to help this guy, except the Reverend who is still preaching about violence in TV nowadays. What a terrible scene to try to be preachy and prove some dumb point, but also an excuse for an excessive amount of blood that was not warranted, like it was a “Hey, we can make a big bloody scene, look at us, we demand attention.”

Oh and now John has ran into an Indian who goes by the name of Frank Redbear. Frank bitches about the white man, says a bunch of Indian shit and this is painful, it’s almost painal, and if you don’t know what that is, don’t look it up.

John don’t want Danny to hang out with sugartits, and he doesn’t want him socializing, because John’s a great dad. So Micah comes over, they’re all at the old lady’s house. Micah gets talking about stupid parent rules and how a person changes once they’re 19. I am really hating this movie, and I feel when I saw this back in the day, I used to regard this as the second best installment in the franchise. Fuck me, I hope that isn’t true.

Dr Redbear can eat a dick for being obnoxious. I want him dead, immediately. Oh man, 40 minutes to go. What did I do to deserve this? Redbear is giving us a history lesson about the kids rebelling and killing their parents in the before time by showing John these drawing on a rock. How convenient. Hey, we just had Predator vision for no real good reason.

Since we’re watching a movie about corn, and I’m hungry, I really truly want a caramel apple. MMMMMM, caramel. I would also be cool if it was a large piece of caramel on a stick in the shake of an apple. I have problems.

Micah just performs a wedding with 2 teens. Danny shows up. Micah asks him if he wants to join his roving gang of corn dwelling misfits with He who walks behind the rows, and Danny accepts. THIS is torture porn. Danny is now hanging with Lacey, they’re flirting. She says “If you can catch me, then you can have me”. Who says that? I’d even find a way to be fast. He is pinning her down on the ground. That’s the smartest thing he’s done all movie. He unbuttoned her top. He’s trying way too hard to make it sensual. And he blows it, waited too long. they were making out on top off a hand. Missed breast opportunity.

The children got a remote control to control an old lady’s motorized scooter. This whole thing was intersected with old people playing BINGO. This is as bad as it sounds. So the sheriff is tying up Redbear and John, to keep shit quiet. This movie……this movie.The sheriff sends this hulking beast of a machine to impale and ride over them as they are tied to a pole in the ground. They escaped. I bet you are shocked…yes shocked. So the sheriff and the reverend are in cahoots together at this town meeting. Well the children has chained the doors closed. And now they setting the building on fire. The adults are beyond incomprehensibly dense. Good, they deserved it for being fucktards.

OK, so all the adults are dead pretty much minus Redbear and John. Danny is joining the children group. “We are one” repeated, over and over. Oh, they have 2 sacrifices. The chick John wanted, and of course Lacey. They want Danny to cut that bitch up. I say go for it. Lacey tells Danny that she loves him. Really? It’s been like 3 days. Danny pussies out and sets Lacey free. Oh shit, Frank Redead just got an arrow shot in his belly, and he died 3 seconds later, which is somewhat improbably according to everything we know from horror movies.

Uh oh, the soil is moving. He who walks being the rows is pissed that he didn’t get his sacrifice.  He’s always pissed. I think I’d tell him to go fuck himself because he’s about as lame of an entity as you’ll find in a horror flick. Well the 4 good guys are all corralled up now. They didn’t get too far. “Did you really think he walks behind the rows would allow you to escape?” Yeah, I kinda did. Micah, you are one of the worst head bad guys in a horror movie that I have ever seen, like top 20 worse, possibly 10. Frank Redbear lives!!!! He is driving that thing at Micah. Classic awfulness. You ever just want to get punched in the testicles? Right, me neither, but I also don’t ever want to see this film ever again. More early 90’s shit special effects. I may not have a caramel apple, but my apple juice is good. Oh, I guess Micah just died, Redbear is dead. I don’t know how many of the “children” are dead. I’m guessing all of them, I don’t see any, of course there could always be a surprise at the end.

HAHAHAHAHA, so they drive off. The last scene is of Redbear’s ghost drawing more on that rock from about an hour ago.

OK, I’ll get straight to the point. If you really love The Children of the Corn, there’s a 5% chance that you may enjoy this. Everybody else, there’s a 1% chance. So why even take that chance? Don’t, just don’t. This was a 3.0 movie if I’ve ever seen one. Will we get our first 2.0 during this franchise? I have a feeling that we just might.

Here’s a picture of one of the only redeemable things in this movie.

The Quest for Breasts Total

51 Bare breasts

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