#143 Slumber Party Massacre III (1990) Review

This is the end of a fantastic little trilogy. I loved this film as a teen. Let’s see how it holds up.

We start out with a scene on the beach. 2 girls are clearly skanks talking about how skanky they are. One white girl talks about how much she wants this black guy. Well, IF she lives, I bet she will be buying him sneakers and carrying them through the mall for him, because that’s what white bitches do when they date black dudes.

There’s a creepy dude staring at the group. He looks like Jeff Hardy. Is this a surprise to you? It’s not to me. His name is Yan Birch, and he’s a Swede. Some girl got killed, and nobody cares.

Now we’re at the slumber party. 3 of these ladies have some special awful look. I am making fun of this girl’s hair for how awful it is. Raylene says “I think that’s what my hair looks like”. I look over, chuckle and feel satisfied and say “Uh huh”.  One girl has a terrible floral top, weirdly cut jean shorts that are too long and boots. Another has this weirdly cut belly shirt that is cut like a frown on the bottom. And of course the girl with the awful Raylene-esque hair, I just don’t even want to. One girl looked good in a bathrobe, but her striped shirt and jeans with patches look doesn’t work too well. One girl is attractive and could wear what she has on even nowadays, some looks are classic. Oh, another girl shows up, and she is wearing a vest, because women in vests and white tshirts and boots…just nope.

Here’s the strip tease part!!! So fantastic. The girl with the awful hair had large dark areolas, and the hottest chick had a soft pink ones. It was quite the contrast. Thankfully, I can add 2 to the Quest For Breasts count. The guys crashed the strip tease. Dumbasses.

All the girls are horny, angry and screechy for the next 15 minutes. Oh, and bad hair ordered pizza. Some things are always staples.

There was a pizza delivery chick who got bribed to switch shirts with a creepy guy. On her way back to her car, she got got. It’s a shame, she was more attractive than most of the girls in this one.

I think they invented a new genre of music, heavy metal makeout music. Hey, my blonde chick is topless again. Blondes are fun. Oh Raylene just insulted me. How classy, coming from a 2 bit skank missing her days when she used to be a skank. BOOM!

My girl, come to find out is named Juliet. She was trying to bang a dude named Ken. After their fling, she went to the bathroom to shower. She found a back massager that plugs into the outlet, not like those battery operated ones that your mom owns. Raylene then gets vulgar claiming it was a vibrator. I found this whole conversation deplorable. Sometimes a girl just needs a good rub, am I right ladies?

Oh, and Juliet got electrocuted while showering via aforementioned massager. The party calls the police, and the police dismiss her because that’s what cops do obviously. There’s a sign that says “Before you do crack,” but you can’t read the rest. That’s a shame.

Ken and another dude are going to get help. They end up in a lumber mill and Ken hurt his ankle. By Gawd, he just turned heel like HHH. Seriously, he hit the guy with a sledgehammer. How fucking great is that. And he now is like Chainsaw Charlie and goes after his Achilles. This movie has it all!

The dialogue…so good. They realize there’s a window in the basement, so she goes to grab a tool from the fireplace. She says “Give me that poker” and guy responds “No…..besides, they’re tongs”. Fantastic.

Brooding Ken is in the back of a  truck, and he has dead bodies, candles, a newspaper clipping about his dead uncle. It’s a nice set up. Now Ken has come back to get some vengeance. I won’t spoil all the fun for you.

Raylene is complaining about logic. As I try explaining, women on their own accord don’t do well in this situation. Put 5 panicky women in the same room, and all logic is vanquished from the premises. It’s like  hanging with a short guy who has short guy syndrome who has been drinking. At some point, he’s gonna feel disrespected and start a fight. Just like Tom Cruise, only not in a closet.

Now this girl just got slapped and hit in the face 5 times. We go back to her face, no bruising, a small trickle of blood. Big nips can’t pull herself out a basement window despite 2 women helping boost her. Wait, the other girl’s face is now badly bruised. For real??? This girl can’t climb out a window, but she letting him fondle her like there’s no tomorrow.  There’s them areolas again. I am hoping he motorboats, but I have my doubts. She is starting to like it. Mind you,3 girls just watched this and the ensuing violence.

OK, so he has been blinded by bleach. Bruised face takes advice from the other 2 dumbasses about how to get to them. She takes the direct, walk inches away from him approach as opposed to taking 10 extra steps and being safe.

It ended, I’m happy. You happy? Good, you better be. I would recommend this to fans to like a little laugh while watching Friday the 13th. I give this a solid 6.8. Watch it, love it, embrace it. And always make fun of it.

The Quest for Breasts Total

53 Bare breasts

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