Gerald’s Game (2017)

I have had this book recommended to me numerous times because I’m a perv and would enjoy it is the gist I have gotten from people.  So with that knowledge, I then see this film come out and think, “Well, I’m a perv, I may enjoy this” and here I am.  It’s based on a Stephen King story.  If that doesn’t titillate you, then go look at tits.  I’m going to write while I watch, so I will give the spoiler warning now.  If you want to avoid the spoilers, scroll down to the last paragraph to get my final thoughts as well as a rating.  Enjoy!

 

SPOILERS

I’m not going to give you play by play, but more of a Kent sized synopsis.  The film starts us off with Gerald and his wife, Jessie, going a weekend getaway of sorts.  Gerald has brought the handcuffs and his Viagra, and he is ready to do some kinky pounding.  As he tries to get into it, it freaks Jessie out, she’s not digging any rape type fantasy.  While he is trying to sort this out and get some BANG for his buck, they get arguing and he doesn’t unlock the cuffs.  Well the arguing persists and he suddenly has a heart attack.  There was a stray dog that Jessie kindly tried to feed early in the film and he comes back to chomp on Gerald’s corpse and has a unique role.

As Jessie attempts to escape the handcuffs, she sees visions of Gerald, herself, her father, and others.  Lots of things are brought back from her memory bank that gives her ideas and motivates her towards freeing herself.  I thought Gerald and Jessie were absolutely brilliant in this and Henry Thomas played Jessie’s dad, and I always have enjoyed Henry’s work.  The handcuff escape is incredibly gruesome, but well worth the watch, if you can handle it.  

While I enjoyed the first 90 minutes or so, there is a car accident and then like a final chapter to this story.  I get why they did it, but it wasn’t for me.  It took awhile, and I felt a lot of that could have been conveyed in half the time.  It wasn’t bad or anything, but it lost some of it’s momentum at the end.  I kinda feel bad for even saying that, but it’s true.  

End Film

 

Final Thoughts – This movie surprised me at how good it was.  I would love to make time to read the book at some point to see all the other stuff that Stephen King added into it.  I loved the dog.  The eclipse stuff brought be back to Dolores Claiborne, which is a criminally underrated work of Stephen King’s.  The director of this film has done some films that I have intended on watching and some I wanted to avoid.  I was enamored with Oculus and now this film makes me more likely to revisit Absentia, Ouija Origin of Evil, and Before I wake.  With that being said, he also did Hush which was a disappointment, but I am into trying out new films.  I would really recommend this to fans of horror or just somebody looking for a good narrative.  There’s not a lot of traditional horror here, and I am more inclined to call it just as much drama as anything.  

Rating:  6.4 I will watch this again (which I already have).  Kudos to everybody involved.  Really good job.

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#148 Children of the Corn 666: Isaac’s Return (1999) Review

Well, it sounds like Isaac is returning in this one.  Stacey Keach is in this, and he’s awesome. And it got a 3.7 on IMDB. Why did people continue to make these movies? Like who was their audience that kept saying we want more awful Children of the Corn sequels? I am a hardcore horror fan, just in case you haven’t been paying attention, yet I don’t know a single person who loved or even liked any movie aside from the original.  So I repeat, who is their target audience?

So we start off with this pretty decent looking chick, Hannah, and she drives past an older dude on the side of the road. He is reading from the Bible to her, and then told her Samuel would make a good name for a son. She said that she didn’t foresee kids in her future, and he said that she may not have a choice. Suddenly he magically disappears, and she crashes into the cornfield. A female cop talks down to her, and checks her license. She then realizes “it’s her” whatever the fuck that means. So the cop now is ok with taking her to the hospital. That’s where Stacey Keach is a a doctor of sorts.”Am I gonna live til my next birthday?” “Oh that’s tomorrow, on Halloween.” How mother fucking convenient.  She is looking to find info about Gatlin, and now the cop has lost somebody and it’s apparently not the first time. So they go looking and Hannah snoops in Keach’s office.

Apparently, there is nothing but kids in this hospital. She is roaming the halls and some dude jumps out, grabs Hannah telling her that she’s the only one who can stop Isaac. He is chasing her. He keeps saying that “He’s the resurrection of life” And he disappears, but then somehow got ahead of her. This is surprisingly creepy. She gets chased to a room where Isaac is lying in bed unconscious. And she just woke him. They are using the original guy who played Isaac in the original CotC. That guy has not had a great career.

Some guy named Gabriel finds Hannah and brings her car to her. The cop asks why he let her go, and Gabriel says the prophecy says that she has to find out herself. Now some old ass Ford pickup is trying to run her off the road. The fuck? She ends up at a motel, and there’s a creepy kid outside. The crazy guy in the hospital is trying to “Smite the wicked” and tries suffocating Isaac, but Keach stops him. There’s 2 teens running the motel, and they know Hannah’s name. Hannah wants the cops, but there’s only the one chick cop, Cora. The chick was a bitch, so the dude tries to help as there aren’t any hotels around for ways.

Something about Isaac at the hospital. I dunno. Hannah goes to leave her room and there is like 10-15 teens outside hanging out, and creepy kid was hanging in the back seat of her convertible. Isaac asks Cora how long it’s been, and Cora tells him 19 years. Isaac has a son. It could be Cora’s I don’t know yet. Hannah is back at the hospital. I know I’m gonna regret this, but I am actually enjoying this movie.  Hannah sees weird visions of Isaac walking down the hall in a walker. Gabriel shows up, tells her that Isaac is locked up, to protect him. Hannah is apparently looking for her mother, and apparently her mom was a member of the cult, as was Gabriel’s parents. Suddenly Jake swings an axe, at a rat. Jake is apparently Cora’s brother. Jake knows like the whole town’s lineage and who begat who.

Some dude broke into Hannah’s room. Ohhh, she is in a tand and panties. I’m not gonna lie, that was a thing of beauty, her ass that is. The guy was the dude in the pick up. I am guessing it will be the original creepy guy who disappeared in the beginning. Suddenly a weird guy, Jesse, with a machete approaches her and asks if she has a gas can. He knows who she is, asks if she will be coming to the festival, she says she’ll pass, but I call bullshit. OK, the truck driver was a lady named Rachel Colby, it appears she is a mid aged gal. She was bringing flowers to a grave. It was the grave of Baby Colby. Alrighty then.

Back at the motel, in the shower it says “Get out or die” written in blood. Hmmm, Rachel may be Hannah’s mom. Hannah was Amos’ woman, as he sacrificed himself for He Who Walks Behind The Rose. Apparently Rachel’s daughter is going to foster the next generation of children. Rachel may also be with Stacey Keach, the Doc. Yup, they are leading us to believe that Rachel is Hannah’s mom. This whole movie is one giant mindfuck. Hannah is apparently here to find her mom. Gabriel keeps hanging out with Hannah. Stacey tells Rachel that he won’t be needing her to bring dinner to him anymore after tonight. He urges her to go see her daughter, and she says she should have never given her up. Jake is trying to flood Stacey’s office. Isaac is pissed at Keach for getting Hannah out of the town. Isaac is talking to Matt, the nice guy from the motel. He’s gonna father the child that’s gonna lead the next generation.

We’re at the halfway point, I think I need to stop the play by play. This movie so far….I dig it. I will keep posted on anything truly great, but I think if you are enjoying this so far, go download this and enjoy it. You should see the original again because so many of the characters are referenced in this. Rachel, Amos, and Isaac are all in the original.

So some bad shit happens, so shit gets said, 2 somebody’s save the day, one somebody gets got, the other does other stuff. And Hannah is in her panties again. Uh oh, somebody is trying to fuck up the prophecy. This is the worse sex scene I have seen in a long ass time. Lots of grunting and ohhs and ahss, and kissing, but not boobs, butts, or balls. C’mon, I thought this was America!!!!

Well there have been some well thought out twists and turns, some more obvious than others.

Here’s my final thoughts.

All in all, that was the best CotC since the original, and it’s not even close. In some ways, the story was actually better. I only gave the original a 5, I must have been pissed, it deserves a 5.5-6.0 range. This movie, it was actually better. How the hell is that possible? I came in with such low expectations, and other people may see this movie as utter garbage, and I would understand that point of view, but this movie has so many positive things going for it. It has creepy children, creepy hopsital, voices all around, a cult, killer children, a mysterious past that slowly unravels, a horrible sex scene. It really has a lot of positive things, and they are pretty well done all things considering. I cannot believe I am saying this, but I am giving this movie a 6.6 rating. Not gonna be cheesy and say 6.66 to go with the movie. I can’t give it a 7, but it’s just a smidge better than 6.5. I recommend this to fans of horror. If my list of positive aspects appeals to your taste in horror, try this out. It’s short, like 75-80 minutes. The ending isn’t amazing, but it’s what it needed to be, and sometimes that’s all I ask for. I also learned not to search for Children of the Corn 666 Hannah Panties. Got lots of porn. I saw some things I can’t un-see.

The Quest for Breasts Total

56 Bare breasts

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#147 Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror (1998) Review

Here I am, looking on IMDB, checking out the cast. We got Fred Williamson (Black guy in From Dusk Till Dawn), Kane Hodder (Jason Voorhees in 4 of the Friday the 13th), David Carradine (Bill from Kill Bill), Ahmet Zappa, Angela Jones (Asmarelda Villalobos from Pulp Fiction, and Eva Mendes (Will Farrell’s woman in The Other Guys which is a fantastic film). I also noticed Alexis Arquette and I saw that she was in Pulp Fiction. Now this is where some people may laugh at me for not knowing this, but Alexis used to be Robert, and Robert was the guy that shot a ton at Samuel L and Travolta inside the apartment, but missed them completely. Yeah, that guy, who is now that girl.

With that being said, that’s quite the cast list. Let’s hope this movie is remotely watchable.

We start off with a doofy looking kid going to a cornfield at night, some green power flows into him. He got mad at his dad, got him outside, flew him up into the air with his new magic power, then like shocked him to death. It’s absolutely as dumb as it sounds. The mom comes out and 2 other children come out to get her.

Now we have Zappa and Jones riding around in a convertible. Zappa is obsessed with blow up dolls and leaving them randomly on the road so his buddies can find them. While putting one up, Charlotte, played by Jones goes out to the cornfield. Why? Because……she wanted corn. Zappa goes looking for her. She sees kids running around in the corn. She just got sliced up, they barely showed anything, like I don’t even know how she died because they would only show bloody corn falling. This is awful. Well 5 kids are checking out the dead body. Dumbass Zappa makes too much noise upon finding them. So he gets chased. Now, despite everything you have read, this is about to get worse.

So 2 kids start chasing Zappa. One magically get in front of Zappa and pushes him backwards, more accurately bulldozes him backwards. Zappa is clearly bigger, but putting up no fight despite staying on his feet. they are going fast, and then Zappa gets impaled by a scythe. A scythe held by a girl. The girl didn’t even budge. So he was pushing an adult back with such force and velocity to easily impale him, BUT she didn’t even move an inch from the impact. Sorry, I’ll buy into the levitation and magical shocking before I’ll buy that the girl didn’t move an inch.

We get back to our 4 main characters, which is 2 dudes, a homely bitch, and Eva Mendes. A blowup doll falls on their windshield, they end up driving off the side of the road. 3 children act unfriendly to them. They go to a bar to try to get assistance. They talk to Kane Hodder (Jason Voorhees) the bartender. They don’t get much info from all the bar people. They go outside, and there’s sheriff Fred Williamson. He tells them there’s a bus at 8AM and 8PM, and if they run they can make the 8PM. Oh, Eva is wearing heels. They get there in time to see the bus pull away. They end up in this abandoned house. They talk about fruit cocktail and she tosses a dude a can of SMEAT which is movie generic speak for SPAM. This was sooo bad.

Our 4 main people are Allison, the homely girl, Greg, the person who becomes Alexis and is the nice guy, Ker, Eva Mendes who just had a boyfriend die and had his ashes splashed over her, and Tyrus, the guy who is now banging Eva Mendes. Good for Tyrus. The gang finds their 2 dead friends. The sheriff likes to give these kids shit for finding their dead friends. He wants them to take the 8AM bus the fudge up outta Dodge. Of course Allison wants to stay so she can find her brother i guess. This story foolish. Allison does have a decent ass, nothing mind blowing but you know, like if you’re bored, why not? The group decides to stay in town, real smart. they run into the children again, she wants to see her brother, whom little magic kid knows, and apparently knows Allison’s name. That’s silly. Oh, Tyrus told Eva that last night wasn’t a one night stand, but Eva says it was to her. BOOOOM!!!

Now Allison has to speak to creepy ass David Carradine. He gets all creepy talking about how he helps take care of the children and stuff about He Who Walks Behind The Rows. Allison is trying to match wits with Bill, well Carradine’s name is Luke, but for fuck’s sake, he will always be Bill to me. The creepy kid’s name is Ezeekial, one of my preferred names for a male.

Greg is snoopng around, a boy with an axe scares him. Eva is talking to Zane, another child from the corn.  Eva starts crying, for like 2 seconds, no tears, no wrinkled face, no redness in the eyes. She is a quality actress. Let’s face it, if she didn’t look the way she does, she would be shacking up with a guy using him for his money because she is somewhat talentless with adequate assets. Allison finds Jacob. Apparently his birthday is tomorrow, I wonder if the plot will be that he is turning the bad age, 18 when he becomes the age where he stops being pure of heart and then becomes evil. He is married, and probably tomorrow, he’ll be sacrificed.

I can’t believe I have written this much about this awful movie. They are reading this book that Jacob gave to his sister. Eva decides the book makes sense about how adults taint children into being evil. Hehehe, I said taint. Allison reads what Jacob wrote, the first letters in the column spell out HELP. Sheriff is mad that the group is still there. Oh, Eva took off.

Oh, look at this, Jacob has to ascend the ladder and jump into the flame because he’s turned 18 and this will help the crops. Seriously, this shit is predictable. Jacob doesn’t want to kill himself, so he pleads with his wife to leave with him. Well Ezeekial sends a few kids to go after him. “Who among us will next become 18 years old?” Out comes Eva saying she will be. She wants to join and she wants to join with Kurt, her dead boy toy. This is so bad. Eva is gonna climb the ladder in this super short dress. Every boy is gonna have a wet dream that evening. Good lawd. She is up, she looks at this fire that has green in it, and she leaps in. See ya eye candy. Maybe next time you can show your tits.

Uh oh, Jacob is strung up, he has committed insubordination. Ezeekial stabs him and says his sole purpose will be to serve as a scarecrow. Mmmhmm. Uh oh, the outsiders are coming. I am assuming they are not referring to Scott Hall and Kevin Nash from the NWO in WCW in the late 90’s. Admit it, you know who I am talking about. Now the NWO song should be playing in your head.

Now emergency vehicles are showing up at the house. The sheriff has a search warrant and he wants to nail Bill’s ass. Bill gives a bunch of scary prophetic shit about He Who Walks Behind The Rows is gonna be pissed. 2 firemen are now on fire. They don’t know how to put it out. They clearly are not good at their job.

I don’t know if I can properly put what I just saw into words. Bill says he can no longer stop what’s coming. Bill’s head starts illuminating and splits open, a little creature sprouts up, and spits a fireball through the sheriff’s head and kills him too. WOW.

The other cop got killed. Allison got attacked but Greg saved her. They can’t find Eva, for obvious reasons. Here we go, the run through the cornfield at night scene. Lots of rabble rabble rabble. This is the epitome of so bad that it’s good. I would recommend Eminem’s song So Bad to all my ladies out there. It features Dr Dre. Allison, Tyrus, and Greg end up in a barn hiding, and there is Jacob. He’s dying. He’s dead. The guys find Charlotte’s car, that’s their ticket out. OK, so Greg is dead, he blew up 2 of his assailants and himself while working on the car. I think Tyrus is dead. Allison ascended the ladder. Ezeekial followed and hooked her in teh back. She unhooked herself, then hooked him and flung him in the flame. She also just threw something else in the flame. This last 20 minutes is fucking brutal. Allison leads the remaining kids away, they are all scurred and lost with Ezeekial.

Allison goes to a house, and apparently this is Lily’s adopted family’s home. Home is Jacob’s window, and she had a baby. Allison is gonna raise her nephew. Ugh, Allison is singing Mockingbird to the baby. HOLY CRAP, the baby has flames in it’s eyes. What a tweest!!! Fucking AWFUL!

I give this movie a 5.1 because I could see myself watching this again, and I don’t know why. It’s not good, it’s really not. I think it’s more the laughability of it all. You don’t have to be a fan of the franchise to understand this movie. It it self explanatory awfulness. I don’t recommend it, I truly don’t, but as I have learned, some readers actively seek out the movies I don’t recommend for all of the wrong reasons, Amanda Bellinger, I’m looking your way. Watch it with some friends, I think you may have a good time, as long as your friends are funny. Don’t have anybody annoying like Buzz Killington in the room. Onward we go.

The Quest for Breasts Total

56 Bare breasts

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#141 Children of the Corn III: Urban Harvest (1995) Review

Just look at that name…Urban Harvest. It’s  now 1995, and white suburbia was trying to get in on urban/black culture. Fresh Prince of Bel Air was really popular, Coolio was relevent. It was a weird time for everyone. Let’s see how bad things can get here.

This movie actually got a lower rating than part 2 on IMDB. We have an immediate case of uh oh.

We have Eli and Joshua Porter. Their dad wants to whoop Joshua’s ass in the cornfield. Eli summoned the worces, the corn suddenly have this innate ability to wrap themselves, grow at will, stretch you. put you up on a cross, and somehow stitch your eyes and mouth shut. This all just happened.

The boys re getting adopted by a white couple in Chicago. Believe it or not, on the ride, they see a bunch of black people, henceforth Urban Harvest. I am trying here folks. Eli is supposed to be the Issac character here. He is awful. Less than 10 minutes in….this is going to give my paranormal torturefest a run for it’s money. Alright, 2 black people playing basketball. Joshua wanders next door, he asks the black dude why he has his hat on backwards. Oh mid 90’s, when will you learn?

So Eli brought a suitcase full of bugs from the moms standpoint, but it was a Jedi mind trick, he actually has a suitcase full of corn. Seriously, not clothes, but corn. Oh and the boys sleep together. William and Amanda are the parental names by the by. You needed to know this.  Eli has snuck out, already found a building with a hole in a fence, and is in there sacrificing corn to he who walks behind the rows. The corn went from yellow to black.

So they get sent to school, and they are to be in seprate classes. They are less than pleased. the classroom was straight out of Dangerous minds. the black boys are already being lewd and bullying these boys. A knife was involved, a threat to suck a dick, so many stereotypes just being fulfilled in this.

WAIT, business just picked up. So Joshua befriend a black dude and his sister, who used to be Eddie Winslow’s girlfriend on Family Matters. SO she tells her borther to let Joshua in the game. This was great. It was like how Edward Norton dominated the bothers in American History X. This movie….already.

Eli has a full field of corn growing in the place he found. Mom is pissed. She wants daddy to cut it down. A bum found it, he ate a piece, he got got. The dad checks out the corn, it’s tasty. He wants to make money off of it. Eli planted bugs in the cafeteria. Joshua is making friends, Eli is not.  The principle is a Father. He just had a bug come up out of his mouth. This movie makes my head ache.

So the Father is preaching, Eli is bored and commenting, so Father says if you can do better, why don’t you come up and do so. So Eli comes up, delivers a great sermon about how adults are bad. Well Father gets pissed because he got upstaged, so he punishes Eli.  Eli also killed his social worker. Just found out Joshua and Eli didn’t share the same father, Eli was adopted. William is trying to see the corn to a rich dude. Eli just asked Amanda for a motherly kiss goodbye before leaving, and he rammed his tongue in her ear. She’s pissed, trying to cut the corn down. Eli is doing some crayon drawings, reminiscent of the original. Amanda is getting attacked by the corn. Did you get all of that? So Amanda escapes the corn, enters the buildng, steps backwards on a pole, she rolls backwards and impales her head. Damn shame she is gone….not really, but I was hoping Eli would continue mind raping her.

Haha, we see a girl and they start from the legs and scroll up. When we get to the ass, it is clear as day that this is a black girl, that ass was something.

Eli has now recruited most of the students into following his rhetoric. They are out killing parents and wearing sweet burlap sack masks.

This movie is garbage, but it’s surprisingly funny. I’m liking this way more than part 2. When Josh and Malcolm, yes the black guy’s name is Malcolm, are in the original cornfield where Joshua’s dad got fucked up, well now he’s a human scarecrow.  This whole sequence, actually the last 30 minutes, they’re kind of a treat with the right mindset.

I can’t begin  to tell you how much this epic final scene is. The green screen, claymation, special effects, using honest to god barbie dolls in place of people. You can’t make this shit up.. This is good for all of the wrong reasons, but it’s the train wreck you can’t look away from, think Sharknado films.

Who can I recommend this to? People who like their horror with some bad special effects, like really fucking bad special effects. Id you like to laugh with some gore mixed in, and some racial stereotyping of the mid 90’s, this is absolutely for you. I’m giving this a 5.6.

The Quest for Breasts Total

51 Bare breasts

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#140 Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice (1992)

Hey, this movie came out in 1992. Usually that is a joyous thing, but the early 90’s was a terrible time to be a horror fan. I’d say I have a bad feeling about this, but let’s be honest, is there a good Children of the Corn aside from the original? We will find out the answer this year.

Our 2 main people seemingly is John (dad) and Danny (late teen son), and John is Danny’s divorced father and Danny seems to really harbor some ill will towards his dad. John is a reporter, and you guessed it, he and a bunch of others are back in Gatlin 8 years later after the bodies from part one have been discovered in the corn. There is some teenager named Micah, he strikes me as bad business. And there was some girl with a very nice personality on her moped, and by nice personality, I mean she had very nice cleavage. Sweet, there’s a dude named Mordeci, and as a fan of Awesome Show and Borderlands, I love that name. They keep bringing up Issac. Micah just went through some weird transformation internally, in one of the worst displays of special effects of that time. It is so bad, I mean unbelievably bad that I cannot do it justice. Micah is suddenly a mouth piece for “He who walks behind the rows” which is this franchises main evil entity. Damn, everything I am typing just comes off so asinine.

Danny decides he didn’t want to hang out with his dad, so he is trying to get home, but he is having no luck, and he ends up in the cornfield and sees the kids all together.

This random old lady is yelling at John about how the kids are evil and how her husband walked into a cornfield 15 years ago and never came back, and that is why she is leaving and taking her home with her. Wait a fucking minute!!!!

So you mean to tell me that it’s been 15 years, and now, just this very minute is the time to have this outburst and you are going to move your whole house somehow old woman? Who wrote this.

Danny is a creeper and found hot chick under a waterfall of sorts and was just staring at her, so they flirt. Fuck him. He’s about as unlikeable as his father.  That’s something that gets overlooked by most in horror.When writing for your main characts, you have to determine if they will be likeable or not. How many characters in Friday the 13th are likeable? Not many, they want you cheering on Jason. Same with Leprechaun. Nightmare on Elm Street always had the unenviable task from part 3 and beyond of making somewhat likeable characters to tangle with Freddy, but you simply had to side with Freddy everytime. I get the feeling that our main characters are supposed to be likeable, but they just aren’t’ Unfortunately, neither are the “bad guys”. Consider this the anti Nightmare on Elm Street.

Haha, the old lady was crawling under her house getting her cat, and the children lowered the hydraulics holding the house up, and splat. We find out that Danny and John are from NY, that explains why they’re douches. Let’s face it, people in the northeast, in NY, NJ, MA, PA, etc are some of the most miserable mother fuckers in the whole US. I am pretty sure it is weather related.  Hot chick’s name is Lacey and she wants Danny to take her back with him to NY, and he is like “Oh I can’t”. What a pussy. You have a girl looking like that telling your mongoloid ass to bring her back home with you, and you say no? I truly hope Danny dies, he won’t, but I hope he does.

This scene in the church is so beyond fucking dumb. Micah is in the back row whittling on a statue of a dude, and wherever he whittles, this man in teh church starts bleeding, so first it’s the nose, then it starts pouring, and then his mouth, his eyes, his ears, and suddenly he is like spewing out blood all over everybody. Now everybody is concerned trying to help this guy, except the Reverend who is still preaching about violence in TV nowadays. What a terrible scene to try to be preachy and prove some dumb point, but also an excuse for an excessive amount of blood that was not warranted, like it was a “Hey, we can make a big bloody scene, look at us, we demand attention.”

Oh and now John has ran into an Indian who goes by the name of Frank Redbear. Frank bitches about the white man, says a bunch of Indian shit and this is painful, it’s almost painal, and if you don’t know what that is, don’t look it up.

John don’t want Danny to hang out with sugartits, and he doesn’t want him socializing, because John’s a great dad. So Micah comes over, they’re all at the old lady’s house. Micah gets talking about stupid parent rules and how a person changes once they’re 19. I am really hating this movie, and I feel when I saw this back in the day, I used to regard this as the second best installment in the franchise. Fuck me, I hope that isn’t true.

Dr Redbear can eat a dick for being obnoxious. I want him dead, immediately. Oh man, 40 minutes to go. What did I do to deserve this? Redbear is giving us a history lesson about the kids rebelling and killing their parents in the before time by showing John these drawing on a rock. How convenient. Hey, we just had Predator vision for no real good reason.

Since we’re watching a movie about corn, and I’m hungry, I really truly want a caramel apple. MMMMMM, caramel. I would also be cool if it was a large piece of caramel on a stick in the shake of an apple. I have problems.

Micah just performs a wedding with 2 teens. Danny shows up. Micah asks him if he wants to join his roving gang of corn dwelling misfits with He who walks behind the rows, and Danny accepts. THIS is torture porn. Danny is now hanging with Lacey, they’re flirting. She says “If you can catch me, then you can have me”. Who says that? I’d even find a way to be fast. He is pinning her down on the ground. That’s the smartest thing he’s done all movie. He unbuttoned her top. He’s trying way too hard to make it sensual. And he blows it, waited too long. they were making out on top off a hand. Missed breast opportunity.

The children got a remote control to control an old lady’s motorized scooter. This whole thing was intersected with old people playing BINGO. This is as bad as it sounds. So the sheriff is tying up Redbear and John, to keep shit quiet. This movie……this movie.The sheriff sends this hulking beast of a machine to impale and ride over them as they are tied to a pole in the ground. They escaped. I bet you are shocked…yes shocked. So the sheriff and the reverend are in cahoots together at this town meeting. Well the children has chained the doors closed. And now they setting the building on fire. The adults are beyond incomprehensibly dense. Good, they deserved it for being fucktards.

OK, so all the adults are dead pretty much minus Redbear and John. Danny is joining the children group. “We are one” repeated, over and over. Oh, they have 2 sacrifices. The chick John wanted, and of course Lacey. They want Danny to cut that bitch up. I say go for it. Lacey tells Danny that she loves him. Really? It’s been like 3 days. Danny pussies out and sets Lacey free. Oh shit, Frank Redead just got an arrow shot in his belly, and he died 3 seconds later, which is somewhat improbably according to everything we know from horror movies.

Uh oh, the soil is moving. He who walks being the rows is pissed that he didn’t get his sacrifice.  He’s always pissed. I think I’d tell him to go fuck himself because he’s about as lame of an entity as you’ll find in a horror flick. Well the 4 good guys are all corralled up now. They didn’t get too far. “Did you really think he walks behind the rows would allow you to escape?” Yeah, I kinda did. Micah, you are one of the worst head bad guys in a horror movie that I have ever seen, like top 20 worse, possibly 10. Frank Redbear lives!!!! He is driving that thing at Micah. Classic awfulness. You ever just want to get punched in the testicles? Right, me neither, but I also don’t ever want to see this film ever again. More early 90’s shit special effects. I may not have a caramel apple, but my apple juice is good. Oh, I guess Micah just died, Redbear is dead. I don’t know how many of the “children” are dead. I’m guessing all of them, I don’t see any, of course there could always be a surprise at the end.

HAHAHAHAHA, so they drive off. The last scene is of Redbear’s ghost drawing more on that rock from about an hour ago.

OK, I’ll get straight to the point. If you really love The Children of the Corn, there’s a 5% chance that you may enjoy this. Everybody else, there’s a 1% chance. So why even take that chance? Don’t, just don’t. This was a 3.0 movie if I’ve ever seen one. Will we get our first 2.0 during this franchise? I have a feeling that we just might.

Here’s a picture of one of the only redeemable things in this movie.

The Quest for Breasts Total

51 Bare breasts

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#107 Carrie (2013)

I don’t have high hopes for this, but I love the original. Trying to go in with an open mind. The beginning is definitely different.

So this is rated R and yet they still fucked up the locker room scene and had no titties!!! The fuck is this bullshit??? I am going to be constantly comparing this to the original, which may not be fair, but when you remake a movie, you better expect nitpicking and extreme over analyzing. I’m so sick of the weak excuse of “Well it opens up the movie to a whole new generation”. That only is important when you can significantly improve upon it. The Thing remake in the 80’s, that made sense. the Ocean’s Eleven, it brought something different to the table. Will this do anything different or better?

So let’s elaborate some. They will try to over do the special effects I am willing to bet. If you have an R rating, fucking make use of that! The locker room scene would have been so much better with 2-19 pairs of tits involved. 20 would just be greedy. Now I just saw 2 high schoolers having sex in a car…..no tits. This is going to get a piss poor review from me I fear.

So I will say something positive. The 2 leads are decent. I’m a big fan of Julianne Moore, and Chloe isn’t awful.  In the scene where the gym teacher threatens the girls with not going to prom, in the original, you had a class of girls that look like high school girls, some were chubby or unattractive, or average, there was a variety. In the remake….who the fuck is the average girl even? There’s no chubby girls. I fucking hate that shit. Don’t treat your audience like kids. Not every girl in these films have to look perfect, it’s not reality. Guys like a little variety. I mean not even the background girls were ugly. So fucking dumb!!!

I wish they would have found a better longing dude to play Tommy. The original guy was awesome with his sweet looking tux and amazing blond hair. This guy, he just looks like every other high school jock guy. Lame. I won’t even get into who they replaced Travolta with, but the bar has been lowered.

It’s about time I got to hear “dirty pillows” as well as “they’re all gonna laugh at you”.

So the prom scene was updated well….until they didn’t have her hear “they’re all gonna laugh at you” in the wierd way the original did. I mean that is a huge deal and they fucked that up. The other big thing they royally fucked up was the ending. The gravestone ending was blasphemous from my perspective.

All in all, the 4 main leads succeeded in various way, they weren’t the problem with it, although Chloe may have been too cute for the role. Chloe did a fine acting job, i really did like her performance. It was all the minor things that I fell in love with in the original, and this felt like an empty shell. It’s like when you are best friends with somebody and they turn their back on you, or your girlfriend dumps you, and suddenly you see them as only a shell of their former self. That’s what this was. I can still be friends with this movie, I don’t hate this movie, but damned if I don’t prefer the old Carrie. That was my Carrie.

I’m giving this  5.1 because I am unsure if I will watch this again, but I feel someday I might out of boredom. Too many missed opportunities to give it much above. And if anybody is reading this and hasn’t seen the original Carrie, go watch it, then tell it how much you love it.

I don’t own the rights to this picture or film. It’s from the film, so they are the owners, not me.

T & A Totals didn’t change at all…..really, nothing guys? It was rated R. Show us Judy Greer topless, something.

13 Bare breasts

2 bare asses

2 concealed breasts

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#37 Salem’s Lot (1979)

Sigh. I wanted to like this movie. I had never seen it, and I gave it a solid effort. but it just wasn’t happening for me. Maybe if I had seen it as a bright eyed youngster, I would have all these fond memories clouding my better judgement. This was fine for what it was as a TV movie. It just….fell awfully flat for me. I’m not going to trash this movie as I respect it, I just didn’t like it. Giving it a 4 with the impression that someday I will try to rewatch it and hope I like it better. Sorry, I’m not going to always like these classic films. By the way, a young Fred Willard is in this, as is George Dzunda from The Deer Hunter, so I clearly can’t hate it. Just wasn’t for me. This is a time where I am gonna say my opinion is worthless.

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#36 Secret Window (2004)

As most of you may know, I think Johnny Depp is one of the most overrated actors ever. That is not to say he is awful like Hilary Swank or Ben Affleck,. It’s just that from his illustrious body of work, not many stand out to me. He was in the first Nightmare on Elm Street, and Freddy’s Dead, as well as Platoon, 21 Jump Street, Edward Scissorhands, Ed Wood, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (I have to rewatch this because everybody tells me how great this movie is), Sleepy Hollow, and Blow. Not a bad career, but how many of these are considered his masterpiece performances that make all the panties wet? Not many. Too many bad choices in the past decade as he became that guy that as soon as a movie was announced, somebody in a forum would suggest how versatile Depp was and how he could play that role. You need a new Fat Albert, Johnny Depp can do it! You need a brand new Mother Abigail in the Stand remake, well fuck, Johnny Depp can do that. You want a per-pubescent girl, why not give it to Johnny. But seriously, although I agree he is diverse, diverse doesn’t mean he is great at many of these roles. With that being said, this may be my favorite Johnny Depp role ever. I can’t imagine many people have ever said that. Well, you should.

So aside from Depp playing an amazing character, he’s like this author dude who is divorced from Maria Bello’s fine ass. One day John Turturo shows up at his door complaining that Depp stole his story for a magazine or novel, I can’t recall. Turturo’s character is straight up bad ass, thing the bad ass dude from No Country for Old Men. And yes, John Turtoro was Jesus in Big Lebowski, and Joey Knish in Rounders, which are 2 of the 10 most influential films of the 90’s. If you want to argue against me, go ahead. Also add in, he was in Raging Bull, Do The Right Thing, Barton Fink, He Got Game, Quiz Show, Summer of Sam, O’ Brother Where Art Thou, the Trasformers franchise and many more. Yes, I am clearly a fan. Anyway, from now on, when I say John, I am referencing Turturo, and when I say Depp, that’s Johnny Depp. So John makes more and more threats and does some fucked up shit to fuck with Depp, and it slowly all culminates BEAUTIFULLY. This is a severely underated, and should be included in most of Stephen King’s top film lists. Also, timothy Hutton as Ted is a fun dickhead role. Is this Misery good? To be honest, it is damn closed. I’m going 7.9 and I highly recommend it.

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#33 Pet Sematary (1989)

Back from that awful last movie, I give to you a movie that most kid’s my age considered absolutely terrifying back in the day. Pet Semetary is dated, but it offers so much. In no way will this blog do this movie justice.

Let’s go with the plot, and spoilers are abundant here, so skip to next paragraph if need be. The Creed family movies to a new house in Maine. The father is Louis, he’s a doctor. Then you have the wife Rachel, and the 2 kids Ellie and Gage. They also have a cat named Church, and a neighbor named Jud. Louis has an incident early on while trying to save a dude’s life named Pascow, and Pascow will be visiting Louis later from the dead and giving him sage advice. Jud shows the family where a trail leads to, which is shockingly a Pet Cemetary. Also, keep in mind that a lot of big rigs travel on their road, often time going way too damn fast. You’d be shocked at how that plays a role in this. While Rachel and the kids go visit her parents for something, maybe Thanksgiving, Louis stays home. Jud finds Church dead. Jud has an idea, so he grabs a shovel and pick and off Jud and Louis go. They get to the Pet Sematary and Louis figures they’re just gonna bury the cat and be done with it. Nope. Jud tells Louis they have just a bit further to go, which he says a few times. The truth is that it seems like it takes them a few hours to get wherever Jud is taking them, which turns out to be something to do with Indians and possibly burial ground. Long story short, burying bodies here will cause the bodies to resurrect, and Jud makes Louis do all the bitch work since you have to bury your own or some shit. Louis works his nuts off, gets Church buried, they go back home, have a beer and Louis can’t tell anybody what he just did. The next day, there’s Church, only he’s an asshole of a cat now, which is absolutely hilarious at what he does to Louis. the family return, Ellie is concerned about Church while away, but he seems fine to her when they get back. Shit then gets real as the family and Jud are dicking around outside and Gage is flying a kite, everybody is laughing, but he drops the kite, so he starts chasing it, and it is head to the road, and there’s a truck coming. Ohhhhh noooo. Jud being the only non family member is the one who pays attention and sees this. Louis starts sprinting to Gage, but Gage ends up in the road, and splat, Gage gets got. Rachel’s parents are assholes to Louis but not their dumbass daughter, the father and Louis have a fight at the funeral which has always been an awkward scene, and they try to cope. Well Louis wants to bury Gage to bring him back to life. Jud goes on with some stories about how when people come back, they aren’t quite the same, but Louis don’t give a fuck. I should point out, there was a housekeeper who hung herself, not sure why. Also, there is a back story about Rachel’s sister which is one of the creepiest scenes in 80’s horror. Anyway, Gage makes a comeback but is a murderous mother fucker. Jud tries to stop it, and utters “Is that you Gage” amongst other classic Jud lines like: “Yup…a lot of history down that road”. Jud fucking gets got. Louis has to put a stop to this. Instead Rachel gets killed. Louis puts down Gage. Now Louis goes to bury Rachel because he just don’t fucking get it. And yeah. Ellie lives.

All in all, this movie feels dated and doesn’t have the same scare charm it used to have when I was a kid, but I get just as much enjoyment out of it in different ways. There’s so many great scenes and wonderful lines. Jud and Pascow are epic. I can understand how somebody nowadays seeing it for the first time may not be scared, but much like Jaws or the Exorcist, for it’s time, it had the IT factor. For all the reasons mentioned above, used to be scary, nostalgia, an actual decent movie, great characters, good to great acting, and memorable lines and scenes, I have to give this a 7.9 and I feel no shame in that.

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#32 Cujo (1983)

If you like Cujo or have fond memories of this movie, I would suggest just skipping this post, it’s not for you.

With that out of the way, I fucking hate this movie. As a kid, I never saw the whole thing, just like the last 30 minutes and honestly, as a 30 minute film, it is entertaining and it works. Who cares how the dog became crazed, you just need to know the bitch and her kid are trapped in their hot ass car, and they cannot get out or else Cujo is gonna fuck them up. Why the fuck was this movie 93 minutes? WHY? Does anybody give 2 shit about the opening hour of giving us some boring, bland back story that really adds up to nothing pertinent to the final outcome? There wasn’t a story that came full circle, it didn’t need to. You could have done a full hour in the car and that would have been better served in my opinion. You could build up so much tension, have a few more scenarios play out, and I feel this movie becomes watchable. This is not the worst movie ever made from a Stephen King novel. BUT I feel this is one of, if not the worst of the big name King movies that everybody knows or remembers. This movie makes me long for Children of the Corn sequels. I would rather watch The Descent, the Titanic, or any of the 3 Star Wars prequels over this abomination. Even worse is that Dee Wallace is in this, and I like her acting. She’s a horror icon. It’s not her fault, she really does her best with the material provided. How in the fuck this has a 5.9 average on IMDB, I have no fucking clue. This movie honest to god bummed me out and made me depressed and a little psycho. I mean it’s not Daredevil bad, but when part of your film review mentions Daredevil, you just know it is shitty. Please Hollywood, do not remake. That’s really what DNR should stand for, Do Nor Remake!!!! Most of the time you don’t want a remake ruining how happy the original made you feel, ahem, Karate Kid, ahem.

A few fun facts for you while roaming IMDB. One source says that this movie was King’s favorite adaptation. Another thing is apparently the kid dies in the end in the book. And I was kidding about a remake, but some fucking idiot is apparently working on it. Hooray for originality Hollywood. I want a 5 year ban on remakes. Stop it, just stop it!!! This movie has rolled around it’s awful garbage juices and still sucks, the garbage juice still reeks. I’m giving this movie a 2.8 mainly due to the final 30 minutes, that is is.

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