Categories
Film Reviews Horror

Calvaire (2004)

Hey, a French film while trying to teach Raylene a modicum of Francais. Fuck me.

10 minutes in and our main guy, Marc, is traveling on a road, it’s raining and his van breaks down. A dude happens by and he is looking for his dog. Well this guy, Boris offers to lead him to an Inn. Boris keeps telling Marc that he has to be quiet and not make any noise. Marc doesn’t shut the fuck up. I compared Marc to Raylene. She tells me that we never go in the woods together. I tell her that’s because only one of us would make it out of the woods. Movie time is pleasant. So they get to the inn, and this Mr. Bartel is gonna help out Marc. I’m not gonna do any play by play, too difficult with foreign movies.

So this is interesting. Bartel’s wife left him and it has hurt him deeply. He talks about her at great length and she used to be a singer, just like Marc. Bartel really doesn’t help fix the van. Marc has had enough by day 2 or 3 and says fuck it. Bartel knocks Marc out, dresses him up like his wife, Gloria, shaves his head and treats him like his wife. So we have a weird version or Misery happening.

Holy fuck balls, the bar scene…… I can’t put into words what I just saw. That was one of the single weirdest scenes I have ever witnessed, I mean top 5 weirdest scenes I have ever witnessed.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1owrlQlLExY

Holy shit, we just had a scene straight out of Deliverance, and there was a pig squealing. What in the hell is going on in this fucking movie? Everybody thinks Marc is Gloria.  And it finished now.

In conclusion, I don’t know what I just saw entirely. I tried to, but it was really strange. It may require another viewing to really understand everything. I don’t think I want to invest that much time into this. I really didn’t like this movie. I wanted to, and there are times I simply zoned out, but by and large, this just didn’t click for me. I really wish it did. It’s not without its charm, and I’d love to see it redone with a better first 30 minutes and a more satisfying finale. It just fell flat right at the very end. The bar scene is one of those scenes I won’t soon forget. The showdown at Bartel’s place was crazy and intense. For about 30 minutes, this was actually really good, but that is one-third of the movie. In all fairness, I think it had potential, but failed to deliver and I’m not so pompous and arrogant to grade this higher just because it’s French. I give it a 4.2 and that’s mainly for the good 30 minutes, namely the bar scene.

Final Rating: 4.2

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