#147 Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror (1998) Review

Here I am, looking on IMDB, checking out the cast. We got Fred Williamson (Black guy in From Dusk Till Dawn), Kane Hodder (Jason Voorhees in 4 of the Friday the 13th), David Carradine (Bill from Kill Bill), Ahmet Zappa, Angela Jones (Asmarelda Villalobos from Pulp Fiction, and Eva Mendes (Will Farrell’s woman in The Other Guys which is a fantastic film). I also noticed Alexis Arquette and I saw that she was in Pulp Fiction. Now this is where some people may laugh at me for not knowing this, but Alexis used to be Robert, and Robert was the guy that shot a ton at Samuel L and Travolta inside the apartment, but missed them completely. Yeah, that guy, who is now that girl.

With that being said, that’s quite the cast list. Let’s hope this movie is remotely watchable.

We start off with a doofy looking kid going to a cornfield at night, some green power flows into him. He got mad at his dad, got him outside, flew him up into the air with his new magic power, then like shocked him to death. It’s absolutely as dumb as it sounds. The mom comes out and 2 other children come out to get her.

Now we have Zappa and Jones riding around in a convertible. Zappa is obsessed with blow up dolls and leaving them randomly on the road so his buddies can find them. While putting one up, Charlotte, played by Jones goes out to the cornfield. Why? Because……she wanted corn. Zappa goes looking for her. She sees kids running around in the corn. She just got sliced up, they barely showed anything, like I don’t even know how she died because they would only show bloody corn falling. This is awful. Well 5 kids are checking out the dead body. Dumbass Zappa makes too much noise upon finding them. So he gets chased. Now, despite everything you have read, this is about to get worse.

So 2 kids start chasing Zappa. One magically get in front of Zappa and pushes him backwards, more accurately bulldozes him backwards. Zappa is clearly bigger, but putting up no fight despite staying on his feet. they are going fast, and then Zappa gets impaled by a scythe. A scythe held by a girl. The girl didn’t even budge. So he was pushing an adult back with such force and velocity to easily impale him, BUT she didn’t even move an inch from the impact. Sorry, I’ll buy into the levitation and magical shocking before I’ll buy that the girl didn’t move an inch.

We get back to our 4 main characters, which is 2 dudes, a homely bitch, and Eva Mendes. A blowup doll falls on their windshield, they end up driving off the side of the road. 3 children act unfriendly to them. They go to a bar to try to get assistance. They talk to Kane Hodder (Jason Voorhees) the bartender. They don’t get much info from all the bar people. They go outside, and there’s sheriff Fred Williamson. He tells them there’s a bus at 8AM and 8PM, and if they run they can make the 8PM. Oh, Eva is wearing heels. They get there in time to see the bus pull away. They end up in this abandoned house. They talk about fruit cocktail and she tosses a dude a can of SMEAT which is movie generic speak for SPAM. This was sooo bad.

Our 4 main people are Allison, the homely girl, Greg, the person who becomes Alexis and is the nice guy, Ker, Eva Mendes who just had a boyfriend die and had his ashes splashed over her, and Tyrus, the guy who is now banging Eva Mendes. Good for Tyrus. The gang finds their 2 dead friends. The sheriff likes to give these kids shit for finding their dead friends. He wants them to take the 8AM bus the fudge up outta Dodge. Of course Allison wants to stay so she can find her brother i guess. This story foolish. Allison does have a decent ass, nothing mind blowing but you know, like if you’re bored, why not? The group decides to stay in town, real smart. they run into the children again, she wants to see her brother, whom little magic kid knows, and apparently knows Allison’s name. That’s silly. Oh, Tyrus told Eva that last night wasn’t a one night stand, but Eva says it was to her. BOOOOM!!!

Now Allison has to speak to creepy ass David Carradine. He gets all creepy talking about how he helps take care of the children and stuff about He Who Walks Behind The Rows. Allison is trying to match wits with Bill, well Carradine’s name is Luke, but for fuck’s sake, he will always be Bill to me. The creepy kid’s name is Ezeekial, one of my preferred names for a male.

Greg is snoopng around, a boy with an axe scares him. Eva is talking to Zane, another child from the corn.  Eva starts crying, for like 2 seconds, no tears, no wrinkled face, no redness in the eyes. She is a quality actress. Let’s face it, if she didn’t look the way she does, she would be shacking up with a guy using him for his money because she is somewhat talentless with adequate assets. Allison finds Jacob. Apparently his birthday is tomorrow, I wonder if the plot will be that he is turning the bad age, 18 when he becomes the age where he stops being pure of heart and then becomes evil. He is married, and probably tomorrow, he’ll be sacrificed.

I can’t believe I have written this much about this awful movie. They are reading this book that Jacob gave to his sister. Eva decides the book makes sense about how adults taint children into being evil. Hehehe, I said taint. Allison reads what Jacob wrote, the first letters in the column spell out HELP. Sheriff is mad that the group is still there. Oh, Eva took off.

Oh, look at this, Jacob has to ascend the ladder and jump into the flame because he’s turned 18 and this will help the crops. Seriously, this shit is predictable. Jacob doesn’t want to kill himself, so he pleads with his wife to leave with him. Well Ezeekial sends a few kids to go after him. “Who among us will next become 18 years old?” Out comes Eva saying she will be. She wants to join and she wants to join with Kurt, her dead boy toy. This is so bad. Eva is gonna climb the ladder in this super short dress. Every boy is gonna have a wet dream that evening. Good lawd. She is up, she looks at this fire that has green in it, and she leaps in. See ya eye candy. Maybe next time you can show your tits.

Uh oh, Jacob is strung up, he has committed insubordination. Ezeekial stabs him and says his sole purpose will be to serve as a scarecrow. Mmmhmm. Uh oh, the outsiders are coming. I am assuming they are not referring to Scott Hall and Kevin Nash from the NWO in WCW in the late 90’s. Admit it, you know who I am talking about. Now the NWO song should be playing in your head.

Now emergency vehicles are showing up at the house. The sheriff has a search warrant and he wants to nail Bill’s ass. Bill gives a bunch of scary prophetic shit about He Who Walks Behind The Rows is gonna be pissed. 2 firemen are now on fire. They don’t know how to put it out. They clearly are not good at their job.

I don’t know if I can properly put what I just saw into words. Bill says he can no longer stop what’s coming. Bill’s head starts illuminating and splits open, a little creature sprouts up, and spits a fireball through the sheriff’s head and kills him too. WOW.

The other cop got killed. Allison got attacked but Greg saved her. They can’t find Eva, for obvious reasons. Here we go, the run through the cornfield at night scene. Lots of rabble rabble rabble. This is the epitome of so bad that it’s good. I would recommend Eminem’s song So Bad to all my ladies out there. It features Dr Dre. Allison, Tyrus, and Greg end up in a barn hiding, and there is Jacob. He’s dying. He’s dead. The guys find Charlotte’s car, that’s their ticket out. OK, so Greg is dead, he blew up 2 of his assailants and himself while working on the car. I think Tyrus is dead. Allison ascended the ladder. Ezeekial followed and hooked her in teh back. She unhooked herself, then hooked him and flung him in the flame. She also just threw something else in the flame. This last 20 minutes is fucking brutal. Allison leads the remaining kids away, they are all scurred and lost with Ezeekial.

Allison goes to a house, and apparently this is Lily’s adopted family’s home. Home is Jacob’s window, and she had a baby. Allison is gonna raise her nephew. Ugh, Allison is singing Mockingbird to the baby. HOLY CRAP, the baby has flames in it’s eyes. What a tweest!!! Fucking AWFUL!

I give this movie a 5.1 because I could see myself watching this again, and I don’t know why. It’s not good, it’s really not. I think it’s more the laughability of it all. You don’t have to be a fan of the franchise to understand this movie. It it self explanatory awfulness. I don’t recommend it, I truly don’t, but as I have learned, some readers actively seek out the movies I don’t recommend for all of the wrong reasons, Amanda Bellinger, I’m looking your way. Watch it with some friends, I think you may have a good time, as long as your friends are funny. Don’t have anybody annoying like Buzz Killington in the room. Onward we go.

The Quest for Breasts Total

56 Bare breasts

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Threesome (1994)

I have seen this once or twice, when it came out.  It has a solid cast made up of Stephen Baldwin (Stuart), Josh Charles (Eddy), and Lara Flynn Boyle (Alex).  It also has Alexis Arquette and this came out the same year as Pulp Fiction which he/she was in at the time.  Sorry, I don’t really know the proper way to handle it, BUT Alexis was in quite a few things that I did enjoy and she was awesome at the end of the day.  I really enjoyed Josh in a TV show called Sports Night.  I miss that show.

The plot is simple…..hello tittties!  So we get Stuart and Eddy as dorm roommates, until one day Alex ends up in their room as well, who happens to be a chick.  Let the craziness ensue.  Stuart wants to mack on Alex, but she ends up hitting it off more with Alex.  Stuart is obviously pissed.  15 minutes in and Alex wants to fuck Eddy, but he doesn’t want to, so they don’t.  Stuart lets him know that he blew it in no uncertain terms.

I am guessing that as a 14 year old watching this, I am assuming that I must have jerked off to this film.  Seems reasonable.  Stuart is far more into Alex and Eddy having sex, and then we learn that Eddy has a thing for Stuart.  Uh oh.  Stuart got close with her in the library, but blew it.  Why is everybody so cartoonishly aggressive in this?  So by now, you get the 3 way dichotomy of everything where everybody likes somebody else.  “You ever buttfuck anybody?”  Hahaha, this conversation is fantastic.  Alex proposes that they all stay friends, no sex, and of course Stuart ask if blowjobs count.

Alex eventually fucks everything up, surprise surprise, a chick fucks things up, when she brings back Larry.  The boys get jealous, and then Larry gets no lovin’.  These guys are totally disrespectful of their neighbors.  Now Stuart is trying to get a “slice of hair pie”.  These guys are just total assholes to everyone.  Naturally they try hooking Eddy up with Alexis, who is named Richard.  That goes poorly and Eddy gets freaked out.  They go skiny dipping, but why did the dudes leave their shoes on?  I don’t get it.  They get out and it’s going down for real.  Of course some kids and a priest walk by and ruin it.  They eat a ton of pizza in this, and I totally approve.  She thinks that she is fat…..like a jackass.

Haha, Stuart calls her out for being self destructive, and she calls him out for being a closet heterosexual.  That was fun.  Yup, she’s in hysterics.  Baldwin, smack her.  Or mount her.  That works!  Yeah, he hit that from the backside.  Awesome.  This is what my string of films was missing.  Stuart left his class and just goes and mounts Alex.  Way to go Stuart!  “Sex is like pizza.  Even if it’s bad, it’s good.”  Wow, great line!  Eddy told Stuart that it was a lousy lay and everybody has promised not to tell everybody else, and of course Stuart tells Alex about it, and she flips out…..typical female.  Eddy tells Alex that he thinks Stuart is into dudes.  Eddy has gotten Stuart drunk. I don’t like where this is going.  Eddy goes for it and Stu shuts that shit down.  Stuart just revealed that Alex and him fuck daily, and Eddy is a saaaad panda.  Stuart falls and cuts himself and Eddy has ran off.  With like 5 minutes left, they come to the consensus that she wants to fuck both guys.  Good shit right there.  Well, I mean, it gets gay at a couple of points, maybe this is why I never owned this film.  That made my outtie more of an innie.  Boo.  Oh, and she thinks that she is pregnant.    Eddy is kinda being a whiny bitch about this whole ordeal.  Stuart just tried cutting his dick off after talking to a Jesus candle.  In the end, Alex moves to an apartment, Stuart gets a different dorm, and Eddy just got himself a single room.

End Film

Oddly enough, this movie held up really well, especially given the subject matter.  The acting was good, but the crux of this is the odd tale.  They could have went way too serious, or over the top, but they held a firm middle ground.  It never got boring.  It kept building and building.  The ending was somewhat satisfactory, which is rare in these types of films.  Overall, I would say that men and probably women can enjoy this film.  It was funny when it needed to be.  I’m giving it a 6.9.

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