Bordello of Blood (1996)

Tales From The Crypt released Demon Knight in 1995 and it was quite a  success, it was a really fucking good movie, so they immediately pounced to do a second one.  Alas, I think most people would agree that they either chose the wrong project or they rushed it.  Looking on IMDB, it didn’t even make back half of it’s budget, and maybe it did after video sales, but the fact remains, this film flopped.  It stars Dennis Miller, Angie Everhart, Chris Sarandon, Corey Feldman, Erika Eleniak, Phil Fondacaro, and even William Sadler briefly.  Not great, but a capable cast.  Another complaint that I want to air immediately is how Demon Knight had a great song on it’s soundtrack that got lots of radio play in Hey Man Nice Shot by Filter.  This one goes uses All Right Now and Ballroom Blitz, so that didn’t help promote the film one damn bit.  Things like that make a difference.  On with the show, and so I will have my spoilers and then my final thoughts and rating at the end.

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SPOILERS

 

We start off with Phil Fondacaro, the awesome midget/little person that we have seen in Seinfeld so frequently.  He’s on an expedition in Tierra del Fuego which is in Argentina, as I just learned.  They find an ancient tomb.  It’s the tomb of Lilith, and she is the most horrible woman the world has ever known, and Phil has her heart which is in 4 separate chambers.  He allows the heart to reconnect, and it’s beating.  This is beyond silly already.  He puts the heart in her, and it stops beating.  So he tells the guys to wrap her up, but now there is blood and through the power of terrible 90’s special effects, we see her come back to life.  She’s a vampire and she is attacking Phil’s entourage.  She goes to attack Phil, but he has the key from Demon Knight, and that keeps him safe.  Lilith is played by Angie.  We then see that this is actually a story told to the Cryptkeeper by the Mummy, who is William Sadler.  They wasted half of their talented actors on the first ten minutes of this film.  They play a game, Mummy wins and he chops off Cryptkeeper’s hand, which is a callback to the TV Series.  Now it’s time for the real film.  

Katherine Verdoux (Erika) and Caleb (Corey) are brother and sister.  She seems normal, minus the religious stuff, while Caleb is a go nowhere type of guy.  At the bar, Caleb and his 3 friends decide that they want to get laid, so this weird guy tells them of a place to go get their fuck on.  The address brings them to a funeral home, which is obviously a bordello.  McCutcheon answers the door and takes Caleb and his one buddy, Reggie, and tells him to get in this big ass coffin, they don’t want to, but McCutcheon has a gun, so that’s the way it is.  It appears that they are going to be burned alive, but it’s a trip straight to a pair of delicious titties.  So many titties.  Tallulah is the black chick and she takes Caleb’s buddy, but Lilith joins in and well he’s dead via tongue extending down his throat and causes his heart to explode out of his chest.  Caleb’s chick is Patrice, and she has a third nipple.  Lilith pays a visit, and scene change.  It all goes downhill from here.

Katherine reports her brother missing, and the cops won’t do anything, but Rafe Dennis Miller) is there to help.  Reverend Current is played by Sarandon, and he is so over the top, it’s pretty fucking funny to be honest.  Huh, Phil has another role in this.  Good for him.  McCutcheon likes to play with this bigger dead ladies tits.  He is a creepy fuck, and he does it incredibly well.  Jenkins is the name of the guy that gives out the address and talks about getting fucked.  That dude is probably the best part of this, aside from the mass amount of tits.  Ohhhh man, the “Two, Four, Six, Eight, You can watch me masturbate” while Angie is dressed as a cheerleader scene.  I’m not gonna lie, as a 16 year old without internet porn, I very much enjoyed that scene.  The officer’s name is Noonan, hopefully a shout out to Tom Noonan, who was in Monster Squad.  

So at about the halfway mark here, let me catch you up to speed.  Phil, who’s character’s name is Vincent is still alive and still has the key but he is working for Lilith and JC, yes those are Reverend’s initials.  Clever, right?  So Rafe is doing investigating, and he’s a down on his luck guy who is kind of a joke, his wife divorced him, got all of his money, he’s basically a Steven Weber type character and I’m surprised they didn’t just cast Steven Weber in this particular role.  So he checks out the whorehouse, locks up a girl and accidentally leaves his wallet.  Lilith tastes his blood as the chick had some bloody residue on her fingers, and he apparently has some rare blood.  She hasn’t had this blood since Ivan the Terrible.  Katherine works for JC, she wants to believe Rafe.  They go to the cops with the nose ring that Rafe found at the bordello.  They check things out, but there’s no evidence of anything wrong currently.  Also Katherine saw Rafe with Lilith and her taint is no longer tingling for him.  JC is apparently the #2 guy in charge.  Katherine wants to make a documentary about lust and Vincent stole the key back.  Lilith wants to expand her business into the local strip club, and the key has been destroyed by Vincent for whatever reason.  There is no videotape and photo evidence that they are dealing with invisible people…or vampires.

Caleb calls Katherine, and her and Rafe find him, but he’s a vampire now, and his performance is so fucking over the top.  Good ole Feldman.  The whole scene is terrible.  Katherine is captured by McCutcheon, Vince, and Caleb, while Rafe is put in cuffs by Noonan.  Rafe kills a vampire nurse, and Whoopie Goldberg appears as a patient in a bed briefly.  Rafe drives a car through the front door of the bordello, and McCutcheon and Vincent are taken out.  JC and Rafe join forces to kill the titties, I mean whores, with a super soaker and Ballroom Blitz playing.  This is some of the most 90’s film that you will ever see.  JC goes to free Katherine, but it’s really Lilith, and she stabs him, so Rafe hits her with a battle axe.  Solid.  Rafe finds Katherine, unties her, and they check on JC who is on the verge of death.  So they are gonna go live at the TV studio and crazy shit is happening.  The producer, Jonas is killed, Rafe gets handcuffed to scaffolding, and Lilith attacks Katherine.  Rafe starts the laser up and yeah, I forgot to mention the laser show with the devil, but yeah, it’s there and getting used.  It lasers a cross in Lilith’s back, which isn’t enough to take her out.  Oh, her prosthetics are so badly done.  Katherine removes Lilith’s heart, calls her a heartless bitch, we get some slow-mo for no real reason.  The 90’s, am I right?  Now Katherine and Rafe are all close and lovey dovey.  We then see the vampire bite marks on Katherine’s thighs as she kills Rafe.  By the way, if you didn’t see that coming after Rafe quickly checked her neck for bites, well consider yourself an amateur.

End Film

 

Final Thoughts – This movie has aged really badly.  The pro’s are that tits will always be fun to look at, and the Cryptkeeper is timeless.  Oh, and Corey Feldman may or may not fully know what he’s doing, but you can’t take your eyes off of him.  The con’s are plentiful, from the terrible special effects, to the characters, to the very lousy story. Dennis Miller was fine, but Steven Weber would have been better.  Angie, she tried, and this was a good role for her.  I’m not sure if anybody could have really done the role much better when put into context, but I would have loved to see Kathy Ireland try it.  This film simply lacked the charm that the TV show and Demon Knight and all of the old 70’s films had.  I haven’t seen Ritual yet, so this may not be the worst of the group.  With that being said, I have seen this film far too many times thanks to adolescence.  Boobs are boobs.

Rating: 5.3 because I have seen it so many times, and I do enjoy a few of the characters and scenes.  It’s guilty pleasure material at best though.

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9 Deuce Horror Presents Housebound (2014) and Honeymoon (2014) with a dash of Dead Silence (2007)

The 9 Deuce Horror Group is back to discuss 2 horror flicks from 2014 that are currently on NetFlix: Housebound and Honeymoon.  Chris, Kristi, Dom, and Kent are back to discuss the films and give their insight.  It appears that Housebound was the clear cut favorite, but both had their merits.  You should absolutely give both films a watch and see what you think.

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Housebound

  1.  In Housebound, who was the standout character for you?

Chris:  Amos. Could have been cliche in so many ways, but ended up being a character of his own. Eugene seemed cool, but he wasn’t in it enough to really be a character

Kristi: I dug Eugene. I definitely laughed when he blew off the psycho dudes head. That was just awesome!

Kent:  There are a lot to choose from.  That’s the sign of a good film for me.  I really loved Amos, for obvious reasons, probably the most likable.  Miriam is really awesome too in a weird way.  Sweet and oblivious at times, but the perfect counterpart to Kylie.  Dennis and Graeme also Kentertain me.  Really, solid characters.  Kylie is the perfect character to surround all of these wonderful personalities with.

Don:  Eugene, though he could have used  more screen time

 

  1.  Have you ever seen The Boy?  If so, prior or after seeing Housebound?

Chris:  Nope.

Kristi: Nope

Kent:  Yup.  I just wanted to keep the short answers that end in P thing going.  It was ok, but not as good as this.

Dom:  Yes. Prior.  I much prefer this movie to that one.

 

  1.  You found the “big reveal” in Housebound to be _______ ? (Fill in the blank.)

Chris:  Almost an inversion of The Pact

Kristi: unexpected

Kent:  Pleaseing

Dom: Satisfying.

 

  1.  Choose one…seriously.  Where did this movie succeed more in your opinion: the overall aura of creepiness or the big reveal?

Chris:  Like M Knight Shmayalan said “What a Twist!”

Kristi: The reveal. I honestly didn’t expect it. There were a lot of twist and turns actually. I really enjoyed this movie!

Kent:  The reveal was very well done, but it was the aura and build up that really made this movie awesome me.

Dom: The overall aura that included the reveal

Honeymoon

  1.  Did you find the opening 10-15 minutes boring or necessary?  Would you have shortened it perhaps?

Chris:  No it worked as a nice character study to introduce us to the 2 leads.

Kristi: I think it was important for us to see them in that happy state. We wouldn’t have much to go off of in seeing her changes if it wasn’t part of the film.

Kent:  I would have attempted to either trim it a bit or present it in a different way due to my preferences.

Dom:  it was important for set up.  We had to know the level of  their relationship towards each other to understand later actions

 

  1.  Give me your thoughts on Will’s character.  Were you a fan?

Chris:  What was there to be a fan of? 45 seconds of screen time

Kristi: His role was very brief but I did like him.

Kent:  I thought that he was the key component to making this film work.  Without his character, yes the film could have worked, but with him, you had to keep wondering about the extent of his involvement, if any.  You guys….

Dom:  Wait there was another dude in this film?

 

  1.  If you could have replaced the guy who played Paul with Kit Harrington (Jon Snow of Game of Thrones fame and Rose Leslie’s real life boyfriend), would the film have been better in your opinion?

Chris: No. Harry Treadaway was awesome in Penny Dreadful. Pretty sure he blows Kit Harrington out of the water

Kristi: No. I liked the guy that played Paul. I love Kit but I don’t think this roll would have been great for him.  

Kent:  Of course I would have enjoyed Kit’s endearing obliviousness that he has perfected.  Him having an :”Aha!” moment would have been priceless.  Harry did a great job though in all fairness.

Dom:  No the film was ok.  I don’t think Jon Snow would have made an impact one way or another.  Both actors did a fine job.

 

  1.  Did the ending of this film work for you?  If you didn’t like it, do you have any better suggestions for an ending?

Chris:  Dark, and depressing. I liked it

Kristi: It was ok I guess. Wasn’t really a fan in general so I was really just happy it was over.

Kent: I wish the ending had a bit more, or a bit less.  The level of ambiguity wasn’t satisfying to me, but the last 20 minutes or so was really fucking solid stuff.

Dom:  Damn ending.  Wasn’t a fan.  Bleeping aliens

 

  1.  Which movie did you prefer between Housebound and Honeymoon?  Tell me why, and bonus points if you make me laugh.

Chris:  Housebound’s premise, Honeymoon’s performances. The acting let me down in Housebound as did Eugene’s makeup. The worm thing out of the couch in Honeymoon almost killed it for me

Kristi: I definitely preferred Housebound. It kept me on the edge of my seat most of the movie. Honeymoon was ok but it was not my favorite.

Kent:  Housebound would be my preference.  Honeymoon was a great idea, executed adequately.  Housebound was just a great idea and better characters.

Dom:  Housebound.  I mean who doesn’t want to live in a house where some creepy person does too?  Reminds me of “My Brother…”  Ah the good old days.  I could totally see that person being someone who lives inside their brother’s home to stalk them and make Hair dolls of their brother.

 

Bonus Deuce – The 9 Deuce Horror Group originally voted for Dead Silence.  I feel like the film kinda got cheated out of the spotlight due to NetFlix apparently no longer showing it.  With that being said, I really wanted to still discuss it.  I know that not everybody got a chance to watch it.

  1.  A lot of people really disliked the ending in Dead Silence.  What was your take on it?

Chris:  Stereotypical nihilistic bad guy wins ending

Kent:  Like I’m not going to enjoy the bad guy winning.  You already knew my response before reading it.

Dom: Didn’t like it.  I am not a fan of movies where there is A) no real or explained ending B) where the bad guys win

 

  1.  There were some cool looking puppets in this film, including Billy from the Saw franchise.  Aside from Billy, did any of them stick out to you?  Please be particular about this.

Chris:  I hate puppets almost as much as clowns and carnies, freaky bastards, small hands, smell of cabbage  (I really hate the smell of cabbage as well.)

Kent:  The red haired clown for obvious reasons.  I also enjoyed the Latino one with the sunbrero.  

Dom: The Dad

 

Final Thoughts

Chris:  Dead Silence had a great beginning (top 10 horror movie beginnings I’d say), a clunky middle, some great scares later on, and a cliche horror ending. Housebound seemed to have potential at first and then fizzled in execution. Honeymoon nailed it’s pre-ending, while leaving a little more unexplained than I would have cared for.

Kent:  Kylie took a really long, interrupted piss and it always struck me as odd in Housebound.  Rose Leslie needs to do more stuff that I would watch.  Dead Silence in a film that I think will be looked back fondly upon in another 10 years, or so I hope. Australian horror is really coming into it’s own the past decade or so.  Kudos!  Also, go watch Wentworth if you like Orange is the New Black.  I am all over the place.  I loved when Kylie goes in the basement the first time and the Jesus statue falls towards her and she says “Jesus”.  I am a sucker for silly lines like that.

Dom: Housebound was fun, Dead silence is good until the end,  Honeymoon-eh

 

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Housebound

Honeymoon

Dead Silence

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#136 Leprechaun 2 (1994)

I watched this movie earlier in the year. Nobody should ever say they have seen this movie twice within a year. I apologize if I don’t give a ton of details, but this movie is bad, very bad.

It starts off with Leprechaun forcing some dude to allow Lep to marry his hot daughter. Now we skip ahead 1,000 years to 20 years ago from our present day, mid 90’s. The characters are beyond unlikeable. We have the hot blond, Bridget, you’ll never believe that this will tie in to the awful storyline. Her love interest is Cody, a guy who talks people in LA on going on these like spooky tours in a hearse. He even suckers Clint, brother of Ron, Howard into going on this tour. How can you not love Clint Howard? Cody has a friend or uncle named Morty. He was Jack Klompus on a few episodes of Seinfeld. Anyway, he usually drives the hearse for these tours, and he’s a habitual drunk who tries conning people into buying percentage of his awful business.

And some bum has helped bring Leprechaun back to life somehow. Lep stole the bum’s bottle of whiskey. Some line bitching about how it was Canadian and not Irish whiskey. This movie somehow not only was seen in theaters, but was profitable, not by much, but $260 grand profit on a 2 million investment isn’t all that bad if you think about it. That’s almost as much a profit as The Avengers made. Almost.

So Cody disappoints Bridget, she is pissy, she goes off with some dude, because that’s how women are. You upset them slightly, now it’s time to make the guy jealous, which causes him to do something stupid, costs him more money, and the girl feels validated in this nonsense. Women….sigh. So Cody is all pissy, runs a red light, gets pulled over, and of the issues, there was 6 seatbelt violations. Wait a minute, there’s 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 people in the vehicle. How in the fuck was there 6 violations?

Morty ends up bailing Cody out of jail, and so he’s released but they sit down on a bench in the jail, just to observe the next scene, which is the bum coming in telling the officers about the Leprechaun. After the bum’s dialogue, Morty and Cody leave. What sense did that just make? I know I am terrible at what I do, BUT I could write better.

So the other guy brings Bridget home. He keeps trying to mack on her, I mean he left work early, spent money on her, and she won’t give him the time of day. Women, I’d hate to say this was awful or cliched, but as a guy, I’ve experienced this phenomenon of bitches being stupid bitches, and yes, he just called her a stupid bitch.  So he’s walking away to his car, she went up the stairs to her house. 2 seconds later, he hears her call to him, she is in a lower level garage that would be utterly impossible to get to in that span of time. Well she’s talking sweet to him, I’m sure he’s got a serious case of the blue balls, so he’s not thinking clearly. And then it happened. One of the biggest surprises in cinema history, the innocent looking chick gets topless, and fellas, it’s worth the whole movie to see these. They are fantastic. Well, the reality is the guy is about to bury his fave in between 2 spinning mower blades, but the tits happened, and that’s what counts.

Cody stops by, he comes with flowers and apologizes. See? Fucking woman not only ruined his night, caused him to get in trouble, but then he spends his money to apologize to her. In what fucking world does this make sense???? Well Leprechaun decides it’s time to capture his bride, and he summons this golden collar on her, and he does some magic shit and he teleports them back to his lair after whooping Cody’s bitch ass.

Back at the Leprechaun’s lair, he like binds her in a blanket, then he dumps his pot of gold out. then he realizes he is missing a gold schilling. Like out of all this gold, he realizes one gold schilling is missing and he is superfly pissed.

I just uttered these words “Is that supposed to be a rock that is clearly made out of fabric?” Yeah, wow, the Lep’s lair is a fabric nightmare that is supposed to be like a rocky cave. It’s a good thing they cut corners or else they may not have been profitable.

Oh, earlier, I forgot to mention the pizza scene, and you know damn well how important pizza is to me. Well last night in Slumber Party Massacre as you may recall, we had the dumb bitch say “No anchovies” in typical 80’s pizza related humor. Well we’re in the 90’s now. So Morty is waiting for a pizza to be delivered. Cody comes in and Morty brushes him off. Suddenly he’s like pumped. He opens the door, snags the pizza and says that it wasn’t under 30 minutes, so it was

Morty is now having a drinking contest with Lep. This fucking movie, so bad. Don’t levitate and drink. Good advice. I had to stop commentating, this movie makes my head hurt.

It wrapped up. It is nothing I would recommend per se, but if you liked the original, there is plenty here for you to sink your teeth into. For a normal person, eh….I am guessing it’s not going to be a great experience for you. Well if you’re a guy, watch the first 30 minutes until you see the boobs, then stop. You’re Welcome. I am giving this a 5.1 as I have to follow the principle that if I am willing to watch a movie more than once, it has to be over a 5, unless it is to show Russ an awful movie to make him question humanity. Always have to have exceptions to the rule. I couldn’t decide on just one picture.

Breasts Total updated with one of the best racks yet

47 Bare breasts

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#111 Feast (2005)

I have seen this movie once before and I remember liking it. The cast is absolutely stacked. It has Jason Mewes of Jay and Silent Bob fame, Henry Rollins who has done a ton including Sons Of Anarchy which was entertaining, Treach from Naughty By Nature, Judah Friedlander from 30 Rock, Krista Allen and well maybe some other people that I just don’t recognize by name yet.

So this is taking place at one of those bars in the middle of nowhere, about 20 people are in typically. The bartender is n awesome old dude. This is like a from Dusk til Dawn set up, only instead of vampires, they take on these hungry viscous monsters or aliens, I don’t know what you’d call them. On the plus side, there’s lots of gore, and it is presented in a fun manner, introduced us to all the characters, even telling us their life expectancy. I like knowing my cast of characters right from the get go. It’s very chaotic. As soon as people are all introduced, we get a death, some people hurt, and this was only the first wave of attacks.

Shit, I didn’t even recognize the guy who plays Boss Man is Maynard from Pulp Fiction. Sweet! Gimp’s sleeping. Him and Zed were great.

One chick, possibly the hottest depending on one’s taste, was just in bra and panties. That’s gonna be the most amount of pleasing skin we’ll see during this film, but no complaints. I mean sure, I always want more because I’m greedy, but oh well.

So they are starting to barricade shit, and getting things figured out. I think 3 people are dead as of now, but not 100% sure. I really wish I had some slim jims and easy cheese. Do not knock it til you try it. It’s a LingFest specialty. Barring that, I want some McDonald’s breakfast or pizza. Horror flicks make me hungry.

You can kinda make some guesses as to who will be in say the final 6 or 4 of this film. It’s like watching the Royal Rumble. You can also speculate how some may die. Like the mom will probably die protecting her kid. The bar owner, well he’s gonna die, but he’s gonna shoot them with his shotgun in a heroic effort. The heroine may live. Henry Rollins is too confident, so I’m guessing no. Jason Mewes may already be dead, I haven’t seen him in awhile. I gotta type and watch simultaneously. Hot chick, she’s almost guaranteed to die because hot chick never lives. Boss man and Judah, they are both big dudes, they have a target on their back. There’s a young dude in a wheelchair, I like his odds to live long but not survive, perhaps he has a sacrifice scene. The main dude Bozo seems like a good final candidate. Grandma, well she has very very few lines, so you know she’s expendable.

Unfortunately, I can’t tell you the outcome because then what’s the point? If you are a fan of the token black person in a horror film, as I am, well you can rest assured that he’s dead. I always want more black people in my horror flicks, especially when they turn the tables.I don’t care about other races, there’s not as much stigma. ALWAYS cheer the black people, you just have to Bo-lieve!!!

This is a perfect set up for a horror film. When you want some mindless horror, this is perfect! It’s a familiar ideaa, a bunch of people banded together to take on something evil. You have fun, likeable characters. You have lots of death. You have good looking women, and a few rednecks. Perfection. It’s not going to win an Oscar, but it is enough to satisfy most people’s appetites. You can absolutely make a drinking game out of this movie.  Drink 3 times when someone dies, drink every time somebody swears, a gun is fired, or an insult is said. BOOM, I just made you have a very fun evening.

Man. nobody wants Grandma’s help, but she seems like she is the thinker of the group.  Now the group is splitting up, because it wouldn’t be horror without that. Old man has a fucking machete. I need to get me one of those. It would make me feel safer in life. I need to shut up before this blog gets too long.

Just finished. So Wes Craven, Ben Affleck, and Matt Damon produced this movie. What an odd collection. By the end, I got bored. It has a great premise, but some aspects fell way too flat. I enjoyed it, I will watch it again. I can’t tell you that I loved it. Another movie with strong first half, weak second half. That’s very typical moreso in horror and comedies I think than any other movie genres.

I’m giving it a 6.2 and look forward to the 2 sequels. I really do want McDonald’s breakfast though.

I don’t own the rights to this picture or film. It’s from the film, so they are the owners, not me.

T&A Totals remain the same, but there was a rape scene (with a monster), so now I have to include that as well

14 Bare breasts

3 bare asses

2 concealed breasts

1 rape

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#70 Sleepaway Camp III: Teenage Wasteland (1989)

Sadly The Who’s song has no place in this fabulous movie. This movie is not good. It is so bad though, it is fabulous. Everything you have loved in 80’s camp slashers end up here. By this point, you should know who the killer is. If not, stop reading this blog if you care. Eh, you don’t care.

The killer, Angela is back. The movie starts off with this 80’s chick who had an adequate ass, but she gets up, removes her shirt, and has these A cup titties that are tattoo’d Milk Shake. Those are not bringing al the boys to the yard. She is due to go to camp. She leaves her apartment and is chased down by a dump truck and killed. Right in the middle of the city. She gets run over by you know who. Wow, they were not fucking around with this opening. Somehow Angela has the same outfit as Maria. This beginning is epic for all of it’s awfulness! Oh and there is a wall with spray paint saying Angela is back. I have a bad feeling this is gonna be a long blog, but it gets me giddy. Alright, some generic heavy metal music!!

Now we find out this old couple is running a camp. Some news reporter lady is interviewing everybody. This is such an easy way to introduce your whole cast quickly, and that should not be overlooked in it’s simplicity. The old couple is priceless, especially the dude, Herman. More on him in a bit as he is my favorite character.

It is a mixture of upper class teens and lower class teens. Oh my god, they said fuck it, let’s stereotype the fuck out of this movie. Let’s meet the rich kids first. Cindy is from Georgia, she is well dressed and very prissy. Next is Greg Nakashima, he is a fun loving, Hawiian shirt wearing Asian, and he likes explosives if I remember correctly and he is from Cali. Jen Hernandez, white chick, dirty blonde, nice rack, from Arizona. We see her tits later I do believe. Peter Doyle from Texas is a doofy black guy, or as Cypress Hill may call him, a “happy face nigga”. Uh oh, I just may have offended my black audience, and Russ. Bobby Stark from Illinois, he is clearly a football jock who is all proud of his high school. He is a fuckin idiot. Lastly Marcia Holland from Ohio, she is the nice girl in this movie. You know what I mean by the nice girl, so you know she is lasting.

Next we meet the lower class poor kids. Oh my. We start off with an Asian bad ass chick named Arab from San Francisco. She confuses me. The reporter asks is she has a last name to which Arab says “NO, do I need one?” Next is Snow Boy from Chicago, a giggling dumb fuck who may or may not be doing drugs. He may be the one that likes to explode things. Damn memory. Anita Birchum from Kentucky is a non descript black chick. You know her role is gonna be small as she has no defining qualities. Riff from Detroit is a black guy, backwards hat from Detroit with a big ass silver boombox!!! SO happy. But it ain’t over yet, next is Tony Darara from East LA, jean jacket, red bandana around his neck, thinking about how he could land a role as token Mayan in Sons of Anarchy. And of course Maria, well technically Angela playing the role of Maria, from NYC.

Marcia’s panties are wet for Tony. Cindy points out that he is Mexican and that’s a bad thing. Fantastic. Lily, the camp owner is pissed that the reporter brought up the murders in the interview. The reporter is gonna try scoring cocaine from Maria, I mean Angela. Angela is gonna get her some, and by that, she is gonna give her some cleaning products instead. Reporter says “Really good stuff” and Angela says “It’ll really clean your pipes.” This is the shit i love about this movie. I am trying so hard not to do a running blog. Reporter drives away and tries the cocaine, and she dead. Awesome. Peter Doyle is the one with the firecrackers. Damn, I was wrong twice.

Now they are having a big meeting, Marcia sits with Tony, she’s moist. Bobby Stark just got told off by Arab, then tries to sit next to Riff and Riff pulls out a switchblade. Ahhhh, the 80’s. Bobby is flirting with Angela. While talking with her he says “So you’re underprivileged huh?”. Lily yelling at Riff to turn off his generic bad ass boombox. They are gonna split up into 3 groups. One with Lily, one with Herman, one with Barney. Herman is showing off his belt to Jen Hernandez, the whore with the rack. Snow boy inquires if the boys can sleep with the girls. Lily asks if anybody knows “I’m a happy camper” song. I just fist pumped. Barney just showed up. He’s a cop. Riff then burps a lot after the announcement Barney is a cop. Tony asks if he has a problem. Riff says “Suck my dick spick”. Riff pulls a knife. Wonderful.

This is where I have to stop doing play by play or else this will be longer than the Ring.

The girls are getting ready, Cindy is is a bra. Out comes Jen with no bra. Arab takes off her shirt, no bra. So far, 2 nice sets of tits. Asian girl made fun of black girl. Cindy says that she paid $3000 for this trip. Really? Oh and they are making fun of Angela baker, the killer. Let’s break up into groups. Lily has Arab, Cindy, Bobby, and Riff….fantastic. Herman has Peter, Jen, Angela, and Snow Boy. that leaves Barney with Tony, Marcia, Anita, and Greg. Lily has the funniest mixture I would think. Barney’s is totally non offensive. We find out that Barney’s son was murdered last year. Well if you watched part 2, you’d know who his son was.

Herman asks where Angela learned to chop wood. She tells him she’s never chopped wood, but chopped other things. Herman’s voice is awesome, and he calls Jen Sweet Pea. I can mimic his voice. I love him so much. Snow Boy does lots of graffiti. Haha, Angela is fishing and pulls up a Jason hockey mask. Herman is in a tent nuzzling with topless Jen. Jen has a great personality. She is unbuckling Herman’s belt. Angela creeps up on them. Herman comes out and Angela beats him with a stick then impales him. Sugartits comes out and gets hit upside the head and dead. Angela says it’s a good thing she’s dead because in a few years, her breasts would be sagging. Peter pisses off Angela, and SnowBoy spray pains Angela’s tent. A firecracker goes off, and Snow Boy yells “Party all night, teenage wasteland”…..thats the name of the movie. I see what they did there.

Now back to Barney’s group. Marcia has to go to the bathroom and is escorted by Tony. now they just ate, and she may have to shit, and you are gonna send a dude with her Barney? C’mon. On their way, they hear a noise. It is a coon I think. Angela has exploded Peter’s face with a firecracker and cranked Snow Boy in the dome. Her group is dead. That’s a shame, they were the best. We still have Riff though!

The next day, we’re at Lily’s group. Riff is cranking his music and jamming out. Along comes Angela. She tells Lily that she is supposed to switch with Arab. She’s pissed. She walks Arab back to the site, and……axe to the neck. 6 down. Lily is going over astrological signs. They ask Bobby what his favorite movie is and he says “Something that makes America look great like Rambo 3”. Riff likes movies with Tits and blood. cindy bitches about his rap tapes and he tells her it’s better than that country shit. Riff flips on Cindy.

Back to Barney’s group, black girl asks Barney whatever happened to Angela Baker, he said she was never caught. Tony asks Barney what he’d do if he ever met her, and Barney says “I’d kill her”. Good cop. Back to Lily. They are gonna do a blindfold trust exercise. Bobby says to Riff “I guess we’ll be partners” and Riff yells at him. Cindy just said “That nigger would have killed me and he would have bragged to his homebody how he killed a white girl”. Yup. Cindy is pissing off Angela while Angela is blindfolded. Time to switch roles. Angela asks Cindy if she is a cheerleader, a virgin, and if she does drugs. Of course Cindy does. Angela attaches her to a flagpole. And up goes Cindy. Angela’s hands would be burned to shit with that small of a rope. And down goes Cindy somehow head first. Don’t ask, cause I won’t tell. Lily says “Where’s Cindy?” and Angela says “She’s at the main camp, she has a headache.” Classic! Awww, Angela just found out her cabin from part 2 was tore down. Angela is back at the main camp having flashbacks. Yes, they’re singing “I’m a happy camper” in the flashback!!!!! By the way, Angela is being played by Bruce Springsteen’s sister Pamela.

Another trust exercise at Lily’s camp. Her and Bobby are tied at the end and leg. They gotta go fishing and catch dinner. Bobby is flirting with Angela. Bobby likes being tied up with her. He goes in for the kiss, good for him being a player. Lily asks Riff to clean the fish, he says “Ugh, fuck that shit”. Riff then ignores Angela like an awesome douche, then pulls a gun on Angela. She gets up and tells Bobby to clean the fish. Marcia and Tony talk, he mentions low riders and they make out. She gives him a condom. Angela blindfolds Lily back to the main camp. She pushes her back into a pit of garbage. Lily is flipping and she is getting buried up to her neck. Only her head sticks  Angela starts up the lawnmower and Lillyis dead. Angela tied Bobby to a tree. She attached the rope to the jeep. You know what happens next, Only Riff remains in Lily’s group. He’s looking at black girl porn mags.angela has everone tied up.

With that, I leave the ending to you. I give this movie a 6.9 I’ll be honest, I am tired.

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#381 Krampus (2015)

This has Adam Scott, who I really dig. On top of that, my horror gal pal, Kristi, asked me about this one, so figured that I would oblige. Oh, this has David Koechner (Anchorman), Toni Collette (The Sixth Sense), and Conchata Ferrell (Two and a Half Men) as well.

I haven’t seen anything quite like this. It had a Home Alone vibe early before every got dark. It never got so dark or so grim that it was true horror, but it was that fantasy horror stuff that some people really get into. This was a lot of fun. I think this may end up being a December staple for me. It’s always good to have some fun fallback Christmas movies, and this strikes me as one.

There’s a lot of funny things that happen. Visually, it’s not quite Tim Burton, but it is very, very good. You can get lost in it at times and visually is where this one truly shines I believe. I liked this more than I anticipated. I can see why some people wouldn’t like this, but some people are self loathing ass hats who take themselves too seriously as well. It happens.

Rating – 5.8 This has potential to move up to the 6’s I think over time once I get the lines more memorized.

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#376 A Christmas Horror Story (2015)

This is a horror anthology film, with William Shatner as a radio talk show type of guy who keeps the segments moving.

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Let me break down the stories a bit for you.  First, we have a story about these 3 high school kids going to this school to film about a homicide that happened there last year. Well the girl is possessed or some such nonsense and kills both boys. It wasn’t that good.

Secondly, we have a couple who take their son out to cut down a Christmas tree, but they trespass, and he runs off, and they get him back home. He’s not acting himself though. This actually was probably my second favorite, I really enjoyed the boy.

Third, a story about a family who have to fend off Krampus with a bit of a twist at the end and this is almost as good as the second story, so no complaints.

Finally, there’s a story about Santa fighting off zombie elves. The ending is absolutely worth it. I loved this one.

Rating – 6.2 There wasn’t anything absolutely awful. The first story was mediocre or else this may have actually scored higher. This really surprised me.

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#374 Frankenhooker (1990)

This is one of Bill Murray’s favorite films. I can see why.

Here’s the basic plot. Jeffrey and Elizabeth are in love and I think they are just boyfriend and girlfriend, but could be fiancees. Anyway, it’s Elizabeth’s dad’s birthday, and she gives him this sweet lawnmower that is radio controlled, and she fucks up and it runs her over and kills her. Fortunately, Jeffrey is a hell of a scientist and electrician, so he saves some of  her body parts, notably her brain, in hopes of bringing her back to life. He makes some ridiculously power crack, the drug, and hires hookers so he can find the perfect body parts. Well, there’s like 7 girls, and they find the crack and they party, lots of nudity here, and then they start to explode. Jeffrey then brings Elizabeth back to life, only she has purple nipples. Then more chaos ensues. I mean, if you’re reading my blog, this probably sounds like your type of movie, right?

Rating – 5.9 because I simply can’t give this a 6, but god damn, between this and Chopping Mall, awesome!

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#364 Tucker and Dale vs. Evil (2010)

This is a very popular movie that is a comedic take on films like Wrong Turn, and cabin film slashers. It’s what Shaun of the Dead was for the zombie genre, this is for the cabin in the woods redneck slasher genre.

This stars Tyler Labine as Dale, and Alan Tudyk of Firefly fame as Tucker. They are well meaning good old boys who come across a bunch of teens. They are curious about them A bunch of silly, incidental deaths keep occurring due to the teens bumbling idiocy. Dale has a thing for our lead chick, Allison played by Katrina Bowden. She is gorgeous in this. This is a film that you can re-watch when you need a pick me up laugh. This is not for people who are too pompous, the film critics, those fuckheads.  I don’t have anything bad to say. It’s not a perfect movie, but I don’t think it was ever trying to be one either.

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So grab yourself some wine, beer, or whiskey, and sit down and have a good laugh with some friends, and you should have a great time.

Rating – 6.8 as it’s just a fun and entertaining movie know what it is trying to accomplish and have fun doing it.

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#343 The Girl In the Photographs (2015)

Kal Penn is in this. Oh, but Katharine Isabelle is in this. Sold! I love that girl!!! She’s one of my favorites in horror, hell in general. She’s a good actress, has a great voice, sexy, and just talented all around.

God damnit, she’s dead within the first 5 minutes. Really? Fuckin A. Well, Mitch Pileggi, yes, mister Shocker himself is in this. You know Mitch from plenty and he’s always a delight. So a minor bit of redemption there.  It appears that Colleen will be our main star along with Penn. He’s Kumar from Harold and Kumar, and he also had a stint in How I Met Your Mother. One was definitely funnier than the other. His character’s name is Peter Hemmings, and he is hilarious. Holy shit, he is killing me with his dialogue. I don’t even give a fuck about the horror, just give him the bulk of the dialogue, please.

Peter has Rose, his chick, Chris, his assistant, Tripp, a male model pretty boy, and Victoria, the blond chick model. This whole grocery story scene, Jesus, funny as hell.  I also dig the attention to the blood red Ford Bronco with horns on the front. This really keeps you on your feet because it’s creepy then funny and lighthearted and back and forth.  It should be noted that the owner of the truck is one of the crazy fucks, and he bought cat food for this hot chick that he has held in a small cage. That is Jill, and she got the leather belt around her throat by the second dude. “Jill” is texting Colleen, and Jill is very dead.

All these “homely” looking chicks show up for Peter’s party, and he is making fun of how dumb Tripp is, because Tripp wants to wrestle a giant snake because it doesn’t have any arms. Brilliant! Colleen at least shows up for the party. Peter pisses her off, she goes to leave, and there’s a picture of another dead girl, I think it’s Jill.. The cops obviously show up. Colleen goes home, finds Ben there, she gives him the boot as he is acting like an ass, kind of, and then he gets attacked by one of our masked men. One of them is now in her place.    Colleen reminds me of a younger Lily Rabe, really pretty. Holy shit, great diss on Dell computers. Tom is the skinny cat food dude. I like the bald friend of his, Gerry.

Colleen has agreed to move to LA and do photos with Peter.  Ben is now caged up by Tom and Gerry. Yeah, Tom and Gerry. Think about that one. Hey, titties! Victoria and Tripp are fucking. Good for them. Chris and Colleen are going to sleep in the same room. “Fuck me like a puppy.” – Victoria. A minute later Rose asks Peter: “Did she just say ‘Fuck me like a walrus?”.  Peter wants to take pictures, but instead, it’s hot tub time with Rose. Rose in a bikini is also fantastic. These asshole are here and are going to fuck this awesome evening up. Fuck, Peter just got killed. Fucking bastards!!!! NOOOOOO!!! I’m so pissed.They now are taking pics of Rose, and she realizes it too late, and Gerry kills her from behind. Aww. Well, Tripp and Victoria will be next I am sure.

Tripp is tired out from that sweet, sweet loving and he put in headphones to sleep. Victoria is masturbating to the sex video that they just made. God damn. And they are both quickly, and very violently eliminated. Geez, that was rough guys. Well done!  Down to Chris and Colleen, and Chris is too nice and awkward and goes downstairs rather than keep her up. You mooron.   He so could have gotten some tail. I’m terrible with women and I probably couldn’t have fucked that up.  Wait….I would have totally blown it.

Chris just found Rose and is running around frantically, and the power just went off. Oh boy. With about 10 minutes to go, this should get ridiculous, and I am excited. Chris is using the flash to find his way around. Tom is holding Colleen’s door closed. Chris vs. Gerry is an interesting match up. OK, not so much. Stabbed in the back of the neck. Mother Dick!  Man, Colleen has an ass on her.  Good for her!

I am assuming that she will find pictures of everybody dead. OR their real bodies as Gerry and Tom are posing them all in a room on furniture. She tries to run upstairs, but Gerry is a hoss and captures her. Man, that last picture is awesome!!! Also, I love the tie in to the beginning. The girl that is working at the ice cream shop is Brittany, who was Janet’s friend at the movie theater in the opening scene. I just saw mean camel toe.

They dedicated this to Wes Craven. That’s awesome, and I think that he would be proud of how this turned out. It was really good.  This is one of the 5 most entertaining films I have seen this month. I had a really great time. I would watch it again. This is the slasher style that I have been looking for all month, and I finally got it. So much happier now. What a treat. It was an original idea with some old cliches that felt fresh. This is the kind of thinking that will prevent horror from ever going stale in my mind, and bring a whole new generation to horror. Bravo and kudos to the director, Nick Simon, and the writers: Oz Perkins, Rick Morast, and Nick Simon.

I could gush on and on about all the things that they nailed. Why this isn’t higher rated on NetFlix and IMDB shows me just how dumb some folks are when it comes to the art of doing a proper slasher. This will make my Christmas wishlist. So good.

Rating – 7.0 with room to grow upon further viewings. I know that seems low, but it’s a movie scale that includes all genres. A 7 is pretty much in  the top 5%, so that’s the kind of accolades I just laid down for this.

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