#390 Wrong Turn 5: Bloodlines (2012)

Well this has to be an improvement over part 4 and illogical fallacies of the decision to not kill when you have them trapped. Fuck you film, you aren’t winning me over with tits this time. After the guy kills Kaleen in the beginning, why is his axe clean seconds later? How the fuck does the bow and arrow guy fire off 2 shots less than 2 seconds apart? Why did the officer shoot first? Who keeps paying for these movies to be made?

So far, this is infinitely better than part 4 and part 3 for that matter. I like the idea of people dressed like the hillbillies for Halloween. More importantly, I like having Doug Bradley involved. OK, Lita is getting the water ready for her shower and the water is cold, so she sticks her hand in there, and say “Ow”. What the hell? Is cold water painful to your hand? The sheriff lady is dumb as fuck as well. Lita, you are the worst in this movie. Your game plan is to hit an intruder once in the head and then run? Seriously? Fucking finish the job!  OK, and what is the point in them taking sledgehammers to Gus’ legs? Aren’t they supposed to be cannibals? Aren’t you just ruining the meat? OH, they ran him over after.  Once again, what is the point? HAHA, she has deputized Billy, Julian, and Mose to make it through the night and gave them shotguns. Oh, I am Kentertained. And then she leaves them after saying not to split up. This is just insulting to the viewer’s intelligence. 35-40 minutes remaining. Ugh. I should be drinking. The guys in the jail hear her fire a shot, and they decide to not go check it out. Wow…. just wow.  Lita has made it to the Sheriff station.

Billy and Julian are now leaving to find Cruz, and leaving 2 women, a drunk, and Pinhead at the station. Smart. Well they find Cruz and get attacked, as expected. Both guys deserve to die. Haha, Billy is buried up to his neck on a soccer field, and Julian has a chain attached to his leg. Oh, here comes the sweet snow blower and both guys get got.   Sheriff is going to send Mose out for help. Maynard is still trying to get himself set free. Lita wants to set Maynard free to end this, but Sheriff is stubborn. So Sheriff and Mose are outside. Smart. Well, Mose is driving, so probably somebody is in the backseat, because this is horror.  Mose runs over the barbed wire and totally crashes. Of course. It sucks because Mose and Maynard are clearly the 2 best characters, and we know Mose isn’t surviving, we’ve known this all along. They lock Mose into a barrel, and i believe that they intend to roast him. Mose just got burned and then exploded.  Oh, Maynard has convinced Lita to let him out. Good for him. Haha, she did it, he did it. Hahahahahahahaha, He just took out both of Lita’s eyes, has a gun, and Sheriff shot him. Haha, fuck you Lita.  Sheriff locks him back up. I am so happy with Maynard now. Lita stayed right on top of her but she wasn’t fast enough to pull the trigger. Sheriff is no going outside for help and hears her boyfriend, Jason, and he has tape over her mouth, ropes attached to the door, he shakes his head no so she continues opening up the door, which cuts open his torso and he dies. Three Fingers just beat the shit out of Sheriff. Hey, what a surprise, the 2 dumbest bitches are the final survivors.  Why?

Good, Maynard has duct tapes a shotgun to the Sheriff’s mouth and it is rigged so that when she gets off of her tip toes, she will execute herself. OH, and an added bonus, lights the jail on fire.  Good. She deserved it for being a moron. So long Sheriff. Good job Maynard! Since this takes place before the original Wrong Turns, Maynard is actually the Old Timer from parts 1 & 2. Nice job with continuity.  Maynard and the boys pick up Lita walking the on the road. Haha.

Rating – 4.0 back to what I expected from this franchise. Some insulting your intelligence stuff, but nothing so awful that you want to murder shit. Maynard really made this movie. I would consider watching this again, gun to my head.

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