I Drink Your Blood (1970)

I know that this film has a group of satanist hippies who wreak havoc on a town.  I know that there is a rape, and I believe some kind of infection happens in the movie.  This was originally given an X Rating due to the graphic violence, and now you know how I chose this movie.Still, I don’t know how bad violence can look in 1970.  Salo came out in 75 and that was brutal.  The challenge has been laid out by me.  I am hoping this impresses me.  I will be writing about the film as it happens, and in my industry, folks call that spoilers, so if you wish to avoid them, scroll  to the last paragraph where I will give you my final thought and a rating.   I want to note that this was apparently filmed in Sharon Springs, NY which is awfully close to me.  Interesting.   Cheers fuckfaces!

 

SPOILERS

Oh man, it starts off in the most grindhouse way, and I’m excited.  This promises to be awful.  Oh man, just starting off with a nude man and his bushy ways, and now lots of people’s bare asses at this satanic ritual meeting.  Satan was an acid head apparently.  The one chick is night to look at.  OK, time to drink from the cup while this chick is spying on the group.  2 of the girls aren’t bad at all.  So they pledge to worship and all of that stuff, including willing to kill for him.  They cut a chicken’s throat, and is dripping blood on a nude woman, and the spy is found, so we get great chase music.  The black dude is super jacked.  Oh the spy is the girl who supposedly got raped.  The black dude has a great belt.  I already have a favorite character.  So the group’s vehicle breaks down so all but one get out, the other guy is sleeping, so they push the vehicle down into a stream and it’s really fucked up.  Mildred accuses her boyfriend’s construction crew of being responsible for the rape of Sylvia.  Horace is the leader of the group and he’s a jacked Native American.  I really hate that term.    Sue Lin is Horace’s Asian chick, and he carries a sword.  The boy warns them that this place they are breaking into is haunted and infest with rats, which we then see a rat hunt of epic proportions.  So weird.  By the way, this town only has a population of 40, so most places are abandoned.  Well, they killed like 30 rats.  Oh, the black dude’s name is Rollo.  Even better!  Because Rollo caught the most rats, he is the master of Sados for the night, I guess.  Ohhh, they do another ritual and they cut the bottom of this dude’s feet.  Damn.  Pete asks his grandpa what he’s doing, but grandpa ha a shotty and he ain’t scurred.  

The group have strung up bloody foot guy and grandpa has found them.  This ought to be fascinating.  Pete followed Grandpa like a dumbass.  Grandpa confronts them, and Horace breaks his glasses and steals his gun and then punches him in the belly.  Sir, you have shit for game.  All talk.  The short haired chick just put some shit in his mouth, I’m sure it’s LSD or something of that nature based on what I have read.  Horace goes after Pete, but he gets kicked in the nuts, and now the chase is, well it’s over, Pete is swinging a big stick like he’s Shelley Duvall going up the stairs fending off Jack.  Pete gets his grandpa and they head back home.  Alrighty.  Grandpa is now home tripping his balls off.  Pete is really impressed, and loading a shogun.  Well Pete shot a mad dog.  Then he went out and extracted some of it’s rabie riddled blood.  Pete has Mildred make some extra pies for the hippies and is going to inject those pies with bod rabie blood.  This kid is fucking great.  He sells the hippies a dozen of meat pies for a quarter apiece.  I don’t know if that is cheap or the going rate for a meat pie in 1970.  Yes, I am curious.  The hippies, except for Andy, who’s been a real whiny bitch this whole film, are enjoying some meat pie.  

Andy sees Sylvia and apologizes for what happened.  Oh, Sados stands for Sons and daughters of Satan.  I am oblivious at times.  Well the sados all have upset stomachs, and Horace wants revenge.  Sue Lin is doing some tarot cards at night and draws the death card.  Uh oh.  She wants Rollo to kill bloody foot guy and so he does, and Andy is a Debbie Downer, as you would expect and then runs away as Rollo gives chase, but Rollo looks messed up, and he finds an axe, awesome.  Horace wakes up and sees the dead dude.  Rollo comes back in seeing shit and swinging the axe at Sue Lin, and he gets shot at and then he chops off one of bloody foot’s feet.  I think Bloody Foot may have been named Shelley.  Rollo is chasing short haired girl through the woods.  Everybody has lost their damn minds.  Roger sends some of the guys to check out what the hell the group is up to.  This chick is such a skank, good for her!  Some of the guy’s find Shelley’s body.  Horace lynch’s one of the guys, the one with the gun, and Horace is foaming at the mouth and this fucking awful noise is playing.  Jesus, enough.  Horace hurts the other guy too.  Any and Sylvia are rolling around in hay.  I think the guys with short haired chick is about to pull a train.  She’s about to give everybody rabies.  This one guy is really adamant about giving her a shower, no that isn’t some figurative thing.  I think short hair may be named Molly.  Carrie is the name of the hot ginger who is a mute.  She has been escorting the pregnant lady.  Carrie also just attacked this nice lady who allowed them in and cut the lady’s hand off.  Pregnant chick took off.  

All of the construction workers are rabid, and some have machetes.  There’s like 8 of them.  This is fucking hilarious.  They don’t like being splashed upon.  There are 10+ grown men having a splashing water fight.  Horace just found a big ass snake in a cage.  This should go well.  Why was this rated X?  Haha, the owner comes out in a white onesie pair of PJ’s and then wrestles with him and puts him in a sleeper.  The fuck was that all about?  Molly is the name of pregnant girl, so short haired girl was Sylvia.  Yes, two characters were named Sylvia in this for some stupid reason.Molly now knows that she has rabies, so she stabs herself in the belly.  Rollo is still on the loose and looking amazing.  Sue Lin wants to kill Mildred.  Roger has a great head of hair.  I think Grandpa has a pitchfork through his throat.  When did that happen?  Mildred is pretty attractive.  Roget leaves Mildred so now Sue Lin and pouring gas on the store, and Horace is running around with his sword and tells Sue Lin to die.  She doses the ground with gas and sits and he charges at her with his ridiculous sword and she lights herself on fire.  Andy, Sylvia and Pete are running, and they are in between Rollo and Horace, who apparently need to square off in a dream matchup, sword vs axe.  This scene proves that as long as you have committed people and a video camera, you can make a film.  The construction people are dragging a goat and Mildred will not let  Sylvia, Pete, or Andy in..  Andy is beheaded and now Mildred lets them in.  Rollo and Horace are still spinning to win.  Some of the absolute worst sound effects in the history of ever.  Mildred, Sylvia, and Pete go downstairs, Rollo kills Horace.  The construction workers are invading the basement, but Mildred as the shotty.  Shotgun bang, what’s up with that thang, I wanna know, how does it hang?  

So Rollo is the last of the original group standing. Mildred is using the water hose to buy some time and they make it into the car.  Did Rollo just die via water hose?  The workers rock the car.  The cops show up and are just firing.  They keep re-using the same footage of the guns firing.  Hahaha.  Roger tells them to hold their fire.   The car got flipped, but they all lived.    

“Death by hydrophobia is agony.” – Police Officer #1

End Film

 

Final Thoughts – You know what, this was bad, but in that entertainingly bad movie that knew it was cheesy but went all out and tried and in that regard, they succeeded.  So many movies try so hard and fall way short because the plot is shit, or it’s miscast.  This one succeeded in all the areas it needed to.  This is definitely a film I will see again a few more times.

Rating: 5.7 Mainly guilty pleasure material here, did they did have a decent script all things considered.  For a close to 50 year old film, they did good.

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#127 The Woman (2011)

Rest assured, Paranormal Activity 5 is coming along later today. But I am waiting. In the meantime, I bring to you, The Woman. I really enjoyed this movie when I first saw it. I came across it after watching a film called The Exam on Netflix. I may have also seen this on Netflix first, or maybe I rented it or whatever. Either way, my girl Angela Bettis is in this as well. You may recall her from the May as well as the remake of Carrie from 2002 that nobody seems to remember existing. The reason why is because it was a TV movie, and sadly wasn’t all that great. The male lead is Angela’s husband in this film, played by Sean Bridgers, and he’s a very likeable actor.

So the premise is that we have the Cleek family: Chris (dad), Belle (mom), Peggy, Darlin, and Brian as the 3 kids. Then there’s the Woman, who IMDB describes as the last remaining member of a violent clan that has roamed the Northeast coast for decades”. Chris captures her, but not before we see her boobs. That was quick! And if they weren’t filthy, they’d be pretty nice.

Chris wants to civilize her with the help of his family, but as you can imagine, this doesn’t go well. Chris is kind of a self righteous prick that forces his family to do some unusual things. Chris reminds me a bit of Bill Paxton’s character in Frailty. Brian blindly follows his dad, and the women folk tend to ask more questions. The best villains are always the ones who actually believe what they are doing is actually good, not for personal gain. You get the feeling that Belle is always on the edge, and if it wasn’t for her kids, she may just leave this guy.

Peggy takes after her mom, very subservient but asks questions and feels a sense of unfairness. And Darlin, well she’s young and naive but awesome. Brian treats objects like women. He cruelly put gum on one of his female classmates hair brush, then when she noticed it was stuck, he offered to help by ripping it free. He’s seen the way his dad treats women, and dad is creating a monster.

I almost forget Peggy’s really hot teacher. Yeah, uhmm, she’s hot. Carlee Baker, not bad at all.

Chris’ methods of civilizing The Woman will be cruel. She is a fighter, and a biter, This is typical horror in the fact that the woman is in peril and the guy is evil. That is something that has been engrained in horror for such a very long time. Chris just repaid The Woman the favor for the finger biting.

I absolutely adore the relation between everybody in the family. It’s a perfect storm for what is to come. I won’t give away much more, just know this is really a well done movie with some quirky lines, but with lots of dark undertones.

Belle asks Chris if they should really be doing this thing with The Woman, and he’s brushing his teeth. He quickly and casually slaps her, not any anger in his expression, just continues brushing his teeth. This is clearly how their relationship rolls, and she accepts it. The epitome of the all American family, but behind closed doors, things are not what they appear. Granted as bad as the dad is, it’s almost like the Sons of Anarchy dynamic where for 4 or 5 seasons, Jax ends up being even worse than his predecessor in Clay.

I really enjoy the soundtrack to this movie too. Nothing popular, but it’s good. Now that she’s nice and clean, and full frontal nudity, my male constituency will be much more pleased I’d guess.

I’m just realizing that Lucky McGee directed this, but Jack Ketchum has a writing credit. Jack enjoys tying up women. The Girl Next Door remains one of the few films that has permanently scarred me, not because it wasn’t good, but more because it was based on some true events. It’s just vile that shit like that ever happened, maybe not in that exact way, but damn. Also, there’s a movie called An American Crime that has been highly recommended to me by an old dear friend and it tackles the exact same story.

Wow, the big outburst at the table scene, is it’s own type of terrifying or brutal, whatever you wanna call it. The way it was done, while disturbing was masterful as well. Actually, by the time that Brian is in trouble at the kitchen table, from that point forward, the movie takes a drastic dark turn.

I can’t recommend this movie highly enough, but with the warning that you may not feel good about life afterwards, It really paints guys in a bad light, yet, unfortunately assholes like that do truly exist. I lived with one for far too long of my childhood. Good job dad, way to be awesome! I am giving this movie an 8, without any hesitation. It’s definitely a movie that you should see.

Breasts Total Updated!!!

36 Bare breasts

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#117 The Inflicted (2012)

OK, now that I have relaxed after that nightmarish movie, we’re back in the saddle again. I had this recommended on IMDB, so let’s see what we have. The very first scene takes place in 1992. So far, so good. There are a ton of spoilers, I can’t help it, this movie amused me too much.

Well lookie here, 2 of the stars of this are none other than Sid Haig and Bill Moseley, better known to the horror universe as Captain Spaulding and Otis from Devil’s Rejects and House of 1,000 Corpses.

A minute in, and Otis has killed a kid. A little later and our main character has banged the hot chick in the movie, and we have seen her boobs. OK, well that’s cool. I now feel obligated to sit through this because, we’re doing this for charity. After nailing her, he drugs her, ties her up in a basement of garage it appears, and he looks creepy in his rocking chair. This looks extremely dated, but it supposedly came out in 2012 and an iPhone was in here. Oh, there’s skeletons in that room.

The dude is a college student, something in the medical field. He is now gonna take a chick out named Kristen. I would be oh so terribly sad if he kills a bitch like Kristen. Girls whose name begins with K or R…..I don’t know. Haham I doubt anybody reading this is a female who’s name begins with K or R are reading this. If you are though, let me know.  I will get zero responses. I’m a very unpopular guy.

Wow, the acting….it’s top notch, C level shit. I feel like this should have been on Lifetime. Wow, so our main dude, David, he is with Kristen, and some detective asks him dumb questions. The very next scene, he arrives at his house and another detective is there and wants to search his house. Really? That’s pacing right there. David apparently has lots of framed pics of himself with ex girlfriends. So Kristen bounces, David kills one detective. The first detective is now staking out David’s place. David comes out with 2 large dark garbage bags. The original detective follows him much to the plight of his boss who tells him to wait  for backup. And now David has pummeled this detective’s head in with a hammer. I’ll give them credit they are not wasting any fucking time.  We are less than 20 minutes in. The detective’s boss shows up, saves Melissa, the girl who he originally banged and had hostage, and David high tails it out of there.

Otis!!!!! I love his voice. Sid Haig is a doctor in the hospital. Bill is David’s dad and he’s coming to meet David. Oh, David told Melissa that she better keep the baby or else. She just told Sid that she’s be keeping it.  Now you have a taste for the movie, and we have jumped ahead….you guessed it, 9 months. Did M Night Sham write this?

Now I am gonna hang back, watch the rest, give you any highlights involving Sid or Bill, and then wrap it up with a review.

Man, Kristen was concealing her boobs in the shower. This is bullshit here. I want more boobs so we can up our pledges for donations. Oh and by the way, my wish came true. BOOM!

Melissa now has dark hair? Because some jackass tells me that it’s been 9 months and women are entitled to change their hair color while pregnant, well that makes sense, except why in a film? Oh, most likely she was working on 2 projects, or this one stopped filming halfway through. There’s flashbacks of David drugging Melissa and banging her. He was banging her while wearing his underwear. Is that weird or is it just me? Come, show a little man ass for the ladies.

Sid Haig is a handsome man. Especially when the camera is extremely close to his face on a 60 inch TV. I do not anticipate anybody buying or downloading this movie. The timing is so amazing in this. Cop is guarding Melissa outside, gets on his radio just to say that there’s no sign of David, and we see a shadowy figure in the background. This is some paint by numbers shit. The black cop that was inside hears a car horn. He comes out, calls the cop lazy for resting his head on the steering wheel and just casually walks up to check on him. This is just funny.

Oh man, it just gets better. So the bald FBI guy that originally saved Melissa goes to visit David’s dad, Bill Moseley. He talks to him for less than 2 minutes, gets no info. He then says goodbye. Now this is where it gets good. He walks out of Bill’s house, steps on the proch, takes a few steps to his right, then calls up another FBI person, and has a conversation about how he thinks Bill is hiding something. Needless to say, Bill can hear this clear as day on the other side of the door.  SO professional.

The conversations, my goodness. Melissa is talking to David about him drugging and raping her. He says “I never raped anyone, you gave me consent in the warehouse.” Mind you, they just showed us him drugging and raping her, and he was so matter of fact. Then Melissa doesn’t say much. She then acts chill, tells David that she wants this family to work and she wants to make love. She pulls out a knife, makes no attempt at any aggression, so he easily grabs her arm, bends her over the table, and rails her. I bet that was “rape” too. Now she just deserves to get got. I am liking this movie way more than I should. Unbelievable.

How has nobody found Melissa yet? Seriously, he’s outside chopping wood in the middle of the day. Melissa is so sad, so now it’s time to drown the baby. Now she goes outside, gets his attention and runs off. Holy fuck. I’m only at the halfway point. She ran through the woods, and just so happened to have a middle aged bearded man in a cowboy hate in a pickup truck, and he’s gonna bring her to the cops.

So David brings his dead daughter to Bill’s house. Bill says he has to leave and Bill will take care of the daughter. Bald FBI agent just so happened to be standing next to a door at Bill’s house. Come on Bill, save your boy! Yup, shotgun to his bald dome. Baldie was apparently named Lorenzo. Silly bald men, when will they learn.

Melissa is attempting to act. She can’t. She clearly got the role because she had sweet tits, was willing to show them, and probably worked for a few jars of peanut butter. Maybe a jar of fluff too. I wish I had some fluff. Bill is yelling at a detective!!! This detective finds out that Melissa killed the baby. So now a different detective is bringing Melissa in for questioning.  She passes out on the way there. Sid Haig stops by, the detective says Sid can’t go in, but Sid pulls the old “I’m her psychiatrist” line and the detective is shut down like a bitch. This blog is so much longer than i anticipated, but this movie, it’s so bad that it’s good.

I think David just picked up a prostitute. He got the hot one, and now he brings her to some place, he got her topless, so second pair of tits. Then comes the amazingly bad dialogue. Why is nobody watching this with me? I need somebody to laugh with. “I am David O’Hare, one of the most sought after murders throughout the land….I could bash your head in with this claw hammer, but I wanna use my surgical knowledge….you will be my first hooker killing” all in this weird deep voice. Who the fuck does this guy think he is? You had a hot prostitute, bang her first, then kill. Duhhh.

So this new FBI guy, I am assuming FBI, is also bald. No stereotyping here. Maybe Lorenzo is still alive and a different bald fuck got killed. I am way too busy typing during this. Oh god, now we have a copycat killer. This is just too funny. I have never seen a real prostitute, I would like to someday. I’m not gonna pay them or anything, I just wanna see one, maybe smile and wave, that’s about it.

So this cop looks in the room where the hooker got killed, she’s in 2 separate trash cans. He doesn’t react at all, then he comes out and delivers his line with urgency. Melissa is in a psych ward I think, trying to kill herself. Only 15 minutes to go in this gem. Melissa’s hair looks lighter again. This female doctor told Melissa to never give up. Who is she, John Cena? I am so sick of typing the word Detective without Tapp followed behind it.

2 bald guys in the same room. Too soon!!!

The last 10 minutes have been an utter waste of time. David now has a sniper gun. He sees Melissa outside. He sees Lorenzo as well. Or for fuck’s sake, the doctore asked Melissa to clear her thoughts and draw the first thing in her mind, and it didn’t have to be special of detailed. We see through David’s scope that it is this super highly detailed portrait of some guy’s face, looks like a photograph honestly. She would have required a few more minutes than what she took.

FBI baldie sees David. he shoots David like 3 times at close range. David then falls, stab the agent, and steals his car. And then he gets to a farm house, and he walks, it then ends. Is this a joke???? No loose ends were remotely tied. The idiot who played David was also the director and writer,

Well I had planned on giving it between a 5-6, but nothing happened the last 15 minutes and that seems like a waste. I can’t give it more than a 4. I’m so disappointed right now.

 

T & A Totals UPDATED

29 Bare breasts

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#348 Come Back To Me (2014)

This fucking movie starts off horribly.  A 14 year old kid, Dale, is in the living room with his pet bunny listening to his dad or most like just his mom’s boyfriend beating the holy fuck out of his mom. Come to find out, it’s far, far worse. He beat her to death. He goes to watch, opens the door and she just says help me. She is so bloodied. Granted, I never had to live through it that bad, but if you grew up in an abusive household, that opening scene struck a chord with you.

We fast forward in time, and a guy drops an egg, and this dude grabs like 10 paper towels. This Sarah chick is alright and her dude is Josh, he’s a talker. They also have a new neighbor, Dale. They bring him something like cookies, and he was so hoping that they were homemade, like really hoping. Dale also really digs Sarah, immediately. Sarah has a friend, Leslie, who is pregnant and doesn’t know who the daddy is. Way to be a whore.    Dale works at the supermarket, and he is a fucking whack job.

So Sarah is working on her doctorate paper or some shit, and it’s about porn ruining families or some such nonsense. Yet this film has no nudity. This is bullshit.  I thought this was America!  Oh man, I do not care much for Sarah’s character. You know that I am irritated when I am verbally mocking her to myself out loud. Haha. Anyway, Dale creeps her out, he worries about her when she’s gone for a week, she breaks into his house and snoops around. Yet, he’s the bad guy, right?  Ok she found that he has made copies of keys to her house and has taken pictures of her face when sleeping, and he returns home, hears her, hits her upside the head, and it’s all just a dream for the 3rd or 4th time. God, I don’t even care. 50+ minutes left? Fuck me.

She keeps puking so hopefully he has been raping her in her sleep and impregnated her. Even better that Josh has some kind of disease.  Woohoo, bitch be preggers!  Oh Josh has no disease, Josh is sterile, shooting blanks. So he got tanked, and is leaving her after accusing her of cheating…and it’s just a dream. I’m so over this fucking movie.  Haha, after Leslie has the baby, she still can’t figure out who the daddy is.  FINALLY, there’s some shittily implied rape. Too bad it’s too late to help improve this one.

OK, it’s finished and I could go back and fix my errors so I look smart, but no, I was reacting to what I was seeing in the moment. Dale has powers. That is why everything is happening. If you want to know more, and maybe get some enjoyment out of it, especially the ending is crafty, then you watch it.

With that being said, I still didn’t like the movie. Sarah was unlikable. Leslie, she was ok. Josh, eh, he was a dumbass. Dale had the best role. He got to eat cookies, drink milk, and do all sorts of creepy shit. Good for him. Radha Mitchell would have been a better Sarah, or a Kristen Bell. I just didn’t care for the portrayal, and I don’t know if that is the the actress’ end or the director, or the script, but I wasn’t a fan. As she was the lead, I didn’t enjoy the film, unfortunately. It sucks because in totality, it’s a neat concept. With slightly better execution on the lead, this could have been a real sleeper hit. As it is, I don’t ever want to see this again. Some nudity would have gone a long way in this based on the subjects that they deal with in this one. I know, we’re America, and we gotta be prudes about nudity. Fucking stupid ass mother fuckers.

Rating – 3.7 for a good idea, just bad lead character.

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#313 All Cheerleaders Die (2013)

This movie starts off really irritating and grating. Just when you think it is about to turn itself around and correct the ship, it just goes in another irritating and grating direction. I don’t know who the target audience is for this film, but it clearly isn’t me.  Let’s do a Pros and Cons, shall we?

Pros:
Hot chick. cheerleaders, scantily clad a lot of times throughout
Lots of blood and gore
I think 2-3 funny one liners
It looks really nice, very well shot

Cons:
The sound track was absolutely abysmal, and maybe it’s because I’m not eleventeen, but the whole thing was bad musically
Hardly any well developed characters
Hardly any likable characters. When The 2 best characters is the asshole jock who punches a bitch, and the chick that is the younger sister, who is HOT, but supposedly overlooked, because FUCK logic. That’s horrible! Those are the 2 best characters. At least Terry’s character was well developed. If you liked Maddy, you like lying 2 face skanks who get raped. If you like Leena, you liked power hungry “unattractive” girls who are fucking gorgeous, but this is a high school movie, and she totally abused her power. At least Terry wasn’t fake about it. He was a dick the whole film, he punched a bitch, let 4 bitches die, re-killed some bitches, and raped a bitch.
I still am not sure who the target demographic is. Like early teen boys who will rub one out to this? That’s what I would have done if this had come out 20 years earlier, but we have internet porn, so kinda useless. I know that women have a shit taste in films, admit it, you do, but I don’t even think that women would like this tripe. There’s really no girl power. The women get fucked in the end, and die twice. Terry is the only real winner.
This felt like a horror version of Mean Girls, not that I have ever seen Mean Girls, but just making sweeping assumptions at this point.
It wanted to be funny, edgy, and creative, while providing that mindless horror vibe that you love as a teen. It was barely funny, the stereotypes killed anything edgy,but it was creative, so I can’t take that away from them. Being creative doesn’t mean good or quality though. It usually brings a shit storm, it’s rare to create a brand new genuinely good idea.
This clearly was made for millennials, and millennials are terrible creatures because it’s fun to make fun of them.
Bitches arguing about using a phone to get onto Facebook.

I have said enough. I went from something intelligent and well thought out and presented in The Invitation, to this pile of monkey excrement. Yay.

Rating – 3.7 because the production values were really decent here, and you can tell that a lot of love and effort was put into this. If you are a millennial, find this on NetFlix. If you are in your 30’s or higher, avoid at all costs in my opinion. You will feel like you aren’t the intended audience, and sometimes that’s actually incredibly important.