As a kid, this had to be one of my most anticipated films. Think about it, like, what the hell else am I gonna get super stoked for? I remember Home Alone got me pumped, Goonies, Ghostbusters, and Gremlins, the Triple G’s as it were. Return of the Jedi was cool, but I was still too young to really get it at the time. Probably the live-action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie was very high up. So it is fair to say that this would firmly land in my top 10 most anticipated movies before I hit the age of 10.
But what the hell happened in this movie? I wasn’t sure if this was the Serpentor introduction, but that was more like a big multi-episode arc, or even a mini-series. Was this ever in the theaters? According to Wikipedia and IMDB, no. This was a direct-to-video release due to the poor reception of the Transformers and My Little Pony movies. I just learned that there was a My Little Pony movie. Good for me. With that out of the way, I now know that this is the one that gave us a few new characters, because the merchandise was hugely important for this franchise.
This film has some cool voice talent. Don Johnson is here as Lt. Falcon. Burgess Meredith is the new bad guy named Golobulus, that’s going to be fun to type out. There are some other oddly familiar names in there, including Earl Boen, Frank Welker, and Rob Paulsen. No, not Meatloaf, who was Robert Paulson in Fight Club. Okay, time to enjoy some cheesy action scenes and see if anybody actually gets killed. Think about how all of these people are supposed to be the best in the military, yet there are no deaths.
Start Film
The theme song is fantastic!! This video is incredible. I’m not even overreacting. Even if you knew nothing about what the series was about, now you do. Hell, I just got a little chub, I think. Ohhhh shit, Sgt. Slaughter is in this, and is the 3rd person named. This is from a time when I didn’t even know that he was a professional wrestler. Yes, there was a time that I knew nothing about wrestling other than Hulk Hogan, Andre the Giant, and Jake the Snake Roberts existed. I also had hair at this time. Your mind is blown, I get it. Also, this is currently on sale on VUDU. So I snagged it.
Serpentor is pissed off at his subordinates. Cobra Commander (CC) fires back, and there is murmuring from all of our favorite bad guys. These 2 guys are going back and forth about leadership. Serpentor wants to hear from everyone else. Destor calls CC a world-class buffoon. Mindbender calls him a coward. I also have no idea what or who we are seeing intermittently, but they have my attention. Baronness is also piling on with the verbal assault. Tomax and Xamot are also giving him the business. This looks bad for CC. Looking back, how many of the failures lie with CC?
Anyway, this green-skinned alien-looking MF’er is breaking into Cobra HQ. CC wants to protect Serpentor from this intruder….or does he? Whoever this thing is, they are almost as badass as Luke Skywalker at the beginning of Return of the Jedi. CC is misleading the group in hopes of seeing Serpentor assassinated. Serpentor is pissed and tries to escape. Oh, the assassin is a female, and Serpentor has seen her and 2 others in his dreams. She is Pythona. She shows him a hologram of the Broadcast Energy Transmitter. So that’s what BET means?
Up in some snowy mountains, we see the Joe’s with the BET. We see many of our favorites, too many to name, because I forgot half the damn names. Duke, Scarlett, Mainfrome, Flint, Lady Jay, Cross Country, etc. And here comes Cobra, and you should take a drink every time Serpentor says “This I command”. Snowjob, you’re bad at your job. Yo, Joe!!! I think we are up to 3 drinks so far. There’s Snake Eyes and Roadblock doing work. Duke is being a bit careless. There’s the Dreadknocks! They were among my favorites, probably were my favorites. Serpentor comes to take out Duke, but Duke plants a grenade in Serpentor’s vehicle, and that goes boom. The BET has activated more Joe weapons. CC tells the troops to stand their ground. Serpentor comes back and attacks Duke. Shit, a 1 on 1 fight. Baronness wants to help, but CC is like, nah. Duke monkey flips Serpentor to a satellite dish of the BET, I think. CC demands a retreat to a sanctuary. Wow, that was a lot.
Duke orders the cool as shit Roadblock to take a group and follow Cobra. Who was cooler: Roadblock or Destro? Anyway, Cobra makes it to the sanctuary and CC declares that they are safe, only to immediately be attacked by Roadblock, Quick Kick, Snowjob, Snake Eyes, and crew. I am looking up all of these names and hoping that I am getting them correct. Who the fuck are these buzzing red guys? There’s Shipwreck. Arguably one of the 5 best characters on the TV series. Who is this badass dude in Maroon with wings? He’s a big hoss and immediately bitchslaps CC to the ground. CC says that Golobulus will have his head for this. I’m calling Golobulus “Gob” for short. Pythona enters and says that they all have to come with her now, and CC tries to escape. Pythona sends Nemesis Enforcer, the big winged hoss, to get him. he does so with ease. Zartan doesn’t want to risk his neck for any mission, but Pythona has a huge pink gem. Zartan is sold.
General Hawk is trying to talk some sense to Duke and Flint. Flint takes Lifeline and someone who may be Alpine, but not sure, to find Roadblock’s group. Beachhead is training recruits, so new characters, right? Oh, the girl in red was one of my favorite toys. Her name is Jinx. We also get Big Lob, who is the tall African American gentleman who looks like a basketball player, Law and his dog named Order, Chuckles, who is an undercover officer, Tunnel Rat, who is a bomb specialist, and Duke’s half-brother, Lt. Falcon. These names are fantastic. I’m a big fan of Jin, Big Lob, and Tunnel Rat. I don’t think I had a Big Lob action figure, sadly.
Big Lob and Tunnel Rat have to go through an obstacle course of sorts. Tunnel Rat sees the smart way of doing it. This gives Big Lob a chance to say a bunch of random sports phrases. He’s a treat. Law is tasked with finding a time bomb in a village that is set to go off in 5 minutes. This is where we meet Order. Order keeps bringing back the bomb as Beachhead tries to get rid of it. That was fun. Beachhead is a great character. Chuckles has a great shirt on. He can also manhandle a rocket. Beachhead is merciless with Jinx, and then she goes blindfolded and whoops him.
Falcon has some chick named Heather, who is stoked about Serpentor being locked up there. This guy is a clumsy showoff. Duke is superfly pissed. Heather is a trollop. Is Heather gonna end up being Zartan’s sister? Duke and Falcon continue arguing. Heather is getting undressed, and it was Zarana, and she did get some pictures. She is one of the only members of Cobra who rarely botched their job.
Serpentor is pissy in his cell while Gung Ho and Alpine watch over him. I’m eating strawberry Frosted Flakes. They’rrrre Grrrreat! Falcon is supposed to be on the lookout to help, but he is more interested in flirting with Jinx. She tells him that he should be on guard duty, and he’s like, for someone to break in, they would have to do this, this, and this, and naturally, we see Zarana and crew do exactly that. Gung Ho, Alpine, and Bazooka get a big surprise. Gung Ho tries to reconnect the alarm. Nemesis Enforcer is ridiculous and awesome. They get Serpentor out of his cell.
Hawk has Lowlight and Scarlett take Falcon to his quarters before his court-martial. That sounds right. Even as a kid, I was impressed by this guy’s irresponsibility.
Hey, there’s Gob, and Serpentor is back and walking on some scarab-looking things. Oh, they are in Cobra-La. Gob says that Serpentor was his creation, and Mindbender loses his shit. It was Mindbender’s plan to combine all of the greatest world leaders and create Serpentor. Destro tries to calm the situation. Gob says that he implanted the idea in Mindbender. Wow, my mind is bent. And now CC is gonna be on trial.
Hawk is going off on Falcon, and Duke tries to stick up for his half-brother. Hawk determines that Falcon won’t be court-martialled, but he will be sent to the Slaughterhouse. This shit gets better and better.
CC demands to be released. God insists that CC must pay for his wrongs. Then we get a history lesson. As mankind kept going with technology, the residents of Cobra-La went into hiding. We see a young nobleman have some science experiment go wrong, get his face all F’d up, and that man was Cobra Commander. CC was Gob’s choice to lead the revolution, but he failed. Gob has a spore weapon that will transform everyone into mindless beasts. The pods will not ripen in space, so they need the BET. CC is deemed guilty. Nemesis approaches CC with the spores and turns CC into some snake thing. Serpentor wants CC to be put in with the Joe prisoners.
Am I the only one who is absolutely delighted that Burgess Meredith is this absolutely ruthless badass?
There’s Wild Bill, someone, and Falcon. They kick Falcon out of the chopper, and he saves himself. He is greeted by some big horses, Mercer, Red Dog, and Taurus, better known as Sgt Slaughter’s renegades. Falcon puts up a fight and is saved by Sarge. A few years later, he would also be the WWF World Champion after ending Ultimate Warrior’s first and only championship reign.
The Joes plan to break out when the gates are open. It’s a good group. CC tells them to wait for him. As they escape, CC warns Roadblock that it’s a trap, and sure enough, it was. CC will help Roadblock escape, and Roadblock continues rhyming. But now Nemesis is after them. Roadblock is blinded. Roadblock bought some time, and they jumped down to this river or stream, whatever. Nemesis can’t see them anymore.
Serpentor takes his group to get the BET. Ohhhh, we see CC without the helmet. This is such a fun and weird dynamic, and fun. Always fun.
At the Slaughterhouse, Sarge has Falcon do some good training. Sarge and Duke communicate. Flint hasn’t found Roadblock’s unit in the Himalayas yet. Duke asks Sarge to infiltrate the Terror Drome in Cobra City. How exciting. Falcon mockingly says that they shouldn’t bring weapons to make it extra challenging. Baroness sees where the BET is hidden. I always thought that she should be super hot if they ever made a movie. Was it Sienna Miller who got that role? She’s easy on the eyes, but not exactly who I would have cast. But that movie wasn’t cast very well to begin with. I’ll review that someday. I will need a lot of booze for that.
At the Terror Drome, Sarge shows up with his posse. Serpentor, Destro, Baroness, the twins, and a bunch of red shirts are present. The tactics that they use are fantastic for infiltrating. Now they have weapons, though. Wimps. Falcon is in charge of contacting the Joes. Sarge just flipped over some hulking thing because he’s jacked. Mark Henry is jealous. Okay, Sarge just said “Where’s Falchion” but clearly meant to say Falcon…I think. That’s what the subtitles say. Falcon is captured and being slapped by Serpentor, and bleeding from the mouth. Now he has to deal with Nemesis. In comes Sarge and the Renegades. It’s time for Sarge vs Nemesis. Shit, that is a fantastic showdown. Serpentor needs help, so he leaves to help. The bomb is set to…..explode. That was fun. Man, I really wanted Sarge vs Nemesis. “Cobra is finished, yes?” “Don’t bet your beard on it,” says Sarge. Classic.
Serpentor wants their heads; this he commands. Is that 4 or 5 now? Cobra is now after the BET. Hawk and Duke send out their troops. I had so many of these toys. The new troops feel left out, so Jinx hotwires a chopper, and they go to leave, but it doesn’t work. Poor Jinx. Duke’s forces are being attacked by some weird flying fucks. Chuckles gets the chopper started. Are these things flying some hard-ass pterodactyls? Within seconds, the recruits are crashing. That’s hilarious. Wait, what the fuck just happened??? I don’t own the rights to this footage; please don’t sue me, but this is incredible. Kudos to the mastermind behind this.
That JUST happened. Did I even appreciate that as a kid? Probably not. Did I have any idea what was really happening? Nope. Do I know now? Nope. I don’t even know what these giant worm things are. The Dreadknocks attempt to break in. Nemesis just breaks in. Nemesis has been the MVP of this movie. He is everywhere he is needed.
Sarge and Renegades come after Serpentor. Serpentor just did the la la la la la la la la thing again. Bravo!!! Duke sees Falcon and Sarge down, and Duke comes in to fight Serpentor. Duke stands up and gets a serpent spear in the heart. Did they just kill Duke? This I command? Duke is just seriously injured, I guess. So after Transformers, perhaps lessons were learned about killing off main characters.
Duke and Falcon have a touching scene; tears are shed as Duke goes into a coma. Even Hawk is shedding some tears. Yo……Joe…..sniffle. But on the bright side, Serpentor got the BET, and now they can unleash hell on Earth, and Burgess can talk us through it.
Falcon and recruits want to help, but Beachhead says no, stay there and keep watch. CC and Roadblock are still wandering the mountains. CC is driving him crazy. Roadblock fell and found Lifeline, Flint, and Iceberg (I think that may be the name).
The Joes are attacking Cobra La. Roadblock warns them of the traps. Oh no, poor Sarge. Hawk is too late to escape. There are like 20 of them ambushed. Falcon and the recruits are going to help. CC keeps repeating that he was a man. CC may be fully turned into a snake now. So now they gotta break differently, and succeed. The Dreadknocks are taken out. Big Lob is saying so many great things at the moment. Lifeline, you’re useless.
The Joes are freed now. There are lots of fists flying. Hawk and Falcon know that they need to turn off the BET. Haha, CC is slithering behind them. More creatures are coming to life to attack, so Sarge just hits one with his gun. We need Sarge vs Nemesis….please. Hawk leads them further. I love how Sarge, Falcon, and Jinx are like the final hope. Even better is that they stop and Falcon points and says “there”. Was that necessary? We see a huge device and an even bigger beam of light. Nobody was going to miss that, not even blind Roadblock.
Oh, it is on!!! Sarge and Nemesis time!!!! I assume Falcon and Serpentor and maybe Jinx vs Pythona. Yup, that makes sense. She can be blinded and still be effective. This is everything a final showdown should be. Establish new talent while using established bad guy and Sarge. Jinx blindfolds herself. CC shows up to help Falcon. Serpentor takes off. Pythona took a bad dive. Sarge with countless wrestling moves. Awesome!!! Serpentor is back to finish off Falcon. Falcon gets Serpentor’s cape stuck in the fan of his vehicle. Falcon tangles with Gob now. Gob is not to be trifled with, but Falcon stabs him in the eye, the bad eye. Falcon shuts off the BET.
But wait, the pods have already matured and are falling. Falcon is now gonna try to shock the spores in space, even though they appear to already be in the atmosphere. When did Falcon become this Joe god? Falcom is on the other side of this sizeable gap. So how does Sarge and Jinx rescue him? No idea? Well, Sarge starts spinning Jinx around and tells Falcon to jump and grab her ankles. That’s right. That just happened, and it worked.
Lady Jay fell, and Flint was there to pick her up. How sweet. I liked them better than Duke and Scarlett. And Duke is gonna be okay. Everyone celebrates. Falcon kisses Jinx. Lob and Rat celebrate. The spores are no more, and Falcon and Jinx decide to leave.
End Film
Okay, maybe I’m tired. Perhaps I am looking for some positivity. Maybe I am eating all the memberberries and feeling all kinds of nostalgia. Or maybe, just maybe, that wasn’t too bad. Like, it wasn’t great, but it was pure entertainment and 80’s wackiness. There’s a place for that, even now, perhaps, especially now. Did it really make sense to have 2 new characters and a rarely used Sarge as the 3 to win at the end? Maybe? Normally, I would say perhaps not. Jinx shouldn’t have been there, but Falcon made sense. And Jinx was awesome; this wasn’t some bullshit modern-day girl power play. This actually worked. So I liked it a lot. And I hope it helped sell toys. I had quite a few of these new characters.
I don’t know how an 8-year-old would react to this today. Would this be fun or boring? Was it too busy? Would you need to watch some of the cartoons first to get a feel for the characters? It would help, no doubt. But I would hope some kids would watch this and think it kicked ass.
Final Rating: 6.9 – It’s probably too high, but we’re all allowed to have nostalgia and value things higher than we should. In reality, this is probably somewhere between a 5.7 to a 6.0. Here’s the thing: I was a G.I. Joe kid. This movie obviously meant a lot to me. If you like Top Gun, you understand defending shitty movies. I can’t say that kids today will enjoy it, but with proper perspective, why not? It’s not like anime is any good. Yup, I just triggered a lot of people. Game….Set……Match.
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