This has RVD and Danny Trejo and looks terrible. I’m excited to be honest. This is a SyFy movie and is involved with Asylum, and has a 2.7 on IMDB. Oh no.
Hey, tits right off the bat as a girl is on top of a guy. Sweet. This blonde has definitely posed nude. A guy is skinny dipping to a buoy The shark was after him but turned around. Now blonde is in the water and her tits are out. 2 pairs. Delightful. She gets got, and a dude runs in after her. Sir, you are screwed. Yup, he got bit. The 3 headed shark just bit 3 more, on land, and another. So 6 kills in 5 minutes. I applaud this. The first chick to die was in Sexy Warriors, a personal favorite of mine.
We see a doctor, we see her tits. All the women know their roles. We meet Maggie, our lead character, she is at some place to intern. We meet prof Thomas, I believe we just saw her tits a minute ago. The guy doctor is Dr. Nelson. Maggie knows one of the 4 new interns, Greg, who they used to date in college 3 years ago. Ryan, Allison, and Omar….the token black guy. Are you shocked that his name is Omar? This is like a marine biology research facility. Every 4th or 5th specimen that they pull has mutations. Now, this is like a PSA on litter and pollution. The captive creatures are getting riled up. They call up Steve to look for odd activity. He spots something big off the shoreline, but it moves so fast, and heading to the surface. Prof Thomas is gonna go surface side. They sound the alarm. Thomas and Nelson are checking it out so Scooby and the gang follow to see the action.
EVerybody is running in a very slow jog. Brad is out in the water, and he is a dirty man. Everybody is like, dude, why are you out there. The shark gets him. HAHAHA, oh my. The water is getting flooded, some dude taking a shit just got ate. I shit you not. They are moving to stage 2 safety protocol, total lockdown. Oh, the dialogue is fabulous. All the specimen broke free, and there’s a dead doctor. Oh, the humanity. There are explosions, and everybody is pretty much dead minus the interns and 2 doctors. Yes, I’m afraid to say that I think Steve is dead. Greg is going to swim to a boat. Greg makes it to the boat. Shut up Greg (in Peter Griffin voice). Greg can’t fix the boat, so now Ryan goes and swims. Ryan makes it. Allison is next to go. Hahaha, she panics. Omar follows!!! Black people can’t swim. This movie is a LIE. Omar gets got. Token black For The Watch!!!!
Allison makes it! Ryan punches the radio twice, but there is 3 audible knocks. Maggie has an idea. She is going to distract the shark so the doctors can make it to the boat. But NOOOO, the Hot doctor does it first. I’m going to miss her perky tits. Maggie and Nelson make a swim and sugartits is dead. Booooo. We are down to 5 and the boat is going and the shark is on their ass.
There’s Danny F’N Trejo who answers the radio call. He’s with fishermen. Ryan explains to them that they were attacked by a 3 headed shark. Haha, the shark is now after a party cruise boat, where everybody is dancing like white people. We just saw RVD’s face for half a second. I am pumped. Maggie may be one of the worst actresses ever. Who’s dick did she suck to get the lead? Back to the booze cruise, and it’s a bunch of teens and early 20’s and lots of bikinis. Oh, and Trejo’s crew is on the way, and he told Ryan to Hang Tough.
The shark is finally hitting the booze cruise. One bitch dead, another knocke din the water and is ate. Yup, keep standing by the railings to dumb fucks. RVD is on the move!!!!! RVD, RVD, RVD!!!!! There’s no life rafts for any of these kids who can’t act. Another 2 overboard, dudes this time, and a girl. They dead. Another bitch dead. RVD saves Rosemarie. Tap dat ass RVD. Shark jumped on deck to get the 3 captains, and jumped back off. Other people are still dancing, I shit you not. RVD can’t act worth shit, but I love him.
Our 5 people board the booze cruise, and Ryan grabbed an axe. RVD now has the chick to himself as her man died. RVD also has sandals with socks. OK, RVD and Rosemarie meet Maggie’s group. They are looking for Howard, who was trying to nail Rosemarie. RVD has the axe. RVD keeps saying “Howard? Hey, bud.” They found Howard, and he’s hurt but alive. The good acting continues with tons of cleavage. If this was available when I was a teenage boy, I would have wore out the tape. Nelson is close to getting got. Howard and Nelson are barely hanging on to Maggi and RVD. Nelson is dead!!!!
Rosemarie and Howard reunite and make out, and RVD is upset. He is looking over the scantily clad carnage. They decide to abandon ship and get back on the small boat. Ryan is staying on board with the axe, and RVD is like, hey take care. I don’t understand Ryan’s purpose. Ryan with a slo mo run, and I am giggling. Ryan ran up a very steep ramp, jumped off in slo mo and tomahawk chopped the shark, then rode it for 15 second before being eaten. RVD is “comforting” Allison. The engine is smoking and RVD is intrigued. Trejo’s crew has assault rifles. Good for them!!!
RVD’s crew finds an island, so Maggie swims for it. Trejo and his crew have the guns and are gunning for the shark. The other crew start swimming. The guys are opening fire, very slowly. Trejo grits his teeth this whole film. Oh no, Trejo’s guys got swallowed. Now Danny takes out his pistol, unloads and it’s empty. So Trejo gets out his machete and cuts off the middle head. Machete using a machete. Trejo is walking towards the group with his belly all large and in charge. I love this man. And he just got ate. DAMNIT!!!! The group runs, and we have some random bloody guy running with them. Hahaha. So much awesomeness.
Now the group thinks up ways to fight against the shark. I love this discussion. This new guy does nothing but cry. The shark has grown 3 heads in place of the cut off head. Delightful. Huh, I just learned that RVD’s name is Stanley. We have 2 boats, one has Allison, Howard, Rosemarie, and the new guy. The other one has RVD, Maggie, and Greg. The 4 person shark is thankfully dead and gone and exploded. Maggie wants to save her eaten friends, now she wants to kill it, and RVD agrees. She figures out that it’s been the garbage all along. I fucking knew this was a PSA against pollution. Oh, and they have garbage on the boat conveniently. RVD is tossing bags out the back, and the shark is loving it. RVD gets his hand bit off. “Sorry, I ran out of garbage” says RVD. RVD is sacrificing himself, but Greg goes out to get him. RVD says that he’s good at this. RVD elbows Greg and Greg does a 180. Oh man. I love that we can basically see RVD’s full arm while swimming. The shark took out RVD. I am going to call the shark HHH for it’s 3 heads and burying RVD, killing his career.
Greg is back to the boat, he is dicking around a lot. I was hoping Greg would pull Maggie in. The shark is like fighting itself…I think. Visually, it was not very clear. The sit with their feet in the water and the chopper comes for them.
End film.
This film can be amazing or it can be dreadful or both. It’s really what you take away from it. Did it have a 3 and 5 headed shark? Yes. Did it shows us 3 hot pairs of tits? Yes, it did. Did lots of teens die for dumb reason? Yes, they did. Did it have RVD and Danny Trejo both being awesom? Yes, it did. Was there a single person who could act well? No, it didn’t. So if you care more about the first 4 things and not about the last one, you should have fun with this. And if you need further prodding, Danny Trejo grit his teeth a lot. Here are 9 shots of different scenes, none are from the same shot, all 9 are different. You’re Welcome.
Final rating: 6.0 I would so watch this again and drink to it with buddies. This is something to really watch with friends for the full enjoyment factor.
Best death scene: The 3 captains or the 4 in the boat. Tough call. The slo mo jump with the axe is the best thing though.
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