Let’s just tackle this one. I have no expectation of this being good at all.
We start off and the year is 1973, and we are 20 miles away from Gatlin, Nebraska. This movie does have Billy Drago and Duane Whitaker, who we saw in Feast earlier this month. Anyway, so this soldier comes home to find his parents and his wife (Or so I am assuming) dead and a kid with a butcher knife. The mother has a page of the bible in her hands and it says Genesis….hey wait, that’s the name of the movie!!! He asks the kid if they are responsible, and the kid says He Who Walks Behind the Rows. And then you keep hearing Baby Killer, and with weird flashes, you are led to believe this solider killed a child, possibly in combat. He tries to kill himself but instead falls down a step and out the window.
Now we are in the present day, somewhere in a California desert. That shit is so lazy. You can’t even give a location. You just say somewhere in California. That’s like back in the 80’s and early 90’s in wrestling, if you wanted a wrestler to be mysterious, he was billed as being from Parts Unknown. So you could be from say Florida, but you could be a minotaur so you are now from Parts Unknown. Moving on.
Tim and Allie appear to be our main characters. Allie is pregnant. Their car is broke down. they stumble upon a house, it is Billy Drago’s house. I love Drago. They ask to use the phone, Drago (known as Preacher) is like, nope. No phone. Allie is not willing to take no for an answer, as she sees a telephone post and line connected to the house, so she pesters Drago, not always a wise decision. He has a wooden cross on his door. His house looks a lil beaten up, you just don’t fuck with this man. Drago has a change in heart, saying it wouldn’t be Christian as she is pregnant. Old man Drago has this hot ass Ukranian chick living with him, Helen/Oksana. Drago is playing with something, trying to make a doll. Helen asks for $100 to make the phone call. Who the fuck does that? Then she says $50, and she asks if he has any pot. She stores the $50 in a box. She is weird. Allie is trying to make small talk with Drago, it’s going awkward. This is what they get for taking the scenic route.
They have a big beautiful flat-screen TV and a video camera on a tripod set up. Allie takes a drink and sees something, and Drago says he’ll do that. Meanwhile, Helen grabbed Tim’s cock, and then tell him to take her with him. She then lifts her skirt up and pulls her top down, revealing her beautiful breasts in a lovely bra. No nipple, I can’t bend the rules to make it count. Well, it’s Sunday, so they are left with really shitty options that will cost them $900 plus service costs and blah blah and can get to them at 2 AM at the earliest. The other place is closed on Sundays. Helen says some Mr. Pritchett will stop by tomorrow and will give them a ride, and Helen says it’s no trouble.
Drago won’t let Allie help Helen clear the dishes. Lots of crosses on the wall made of sticks and stems and all that shit. They keep hearing weird sounds outside, but Drago told her earlier it was the wind. Tim tells Allie about how Helen did a reach around and all that shit. Allie kinda scoffs at this.
“I’m not the one who insisted on coming inside.” – Tim
“Really? Then why am I pregnant?” – Allie
Well, Allie has to pee, so it’s time to go to the outhouse, by herself. Tim, I’m a lazy, lazy man, but even I would probably walk her out there just to be safe in such a strange place. Of course, now Allie is wandering around, one of the only things Drago asked her not to do. She finds some strange building, enters it. Lots of crosses, and a bed on the floor, candles, suddenly we see visions of some sexual stuff. She exits and then hears like a scream and goes investigating, and Drago is now outside. I don’t feel bad for her if she dies. Don’t be a nosey bitch. OK, so she tells Tim that there is a kid locked in the one building. Tim isn’t sure she knows what the fuck she is talking about as she has a history of making things bigger than they are. So now Tim is gonna try to rescue the kid from the building because Allie has gotten him all feeling guilty. Damn women and guilting guys into being heroes, which ends up killing good men, just because of some moral compass. I’m glad I’m an asshole sometimes.
A kid has come into the house. Now I take a break and try taking this in instead of doing play by play.
Well, Drago just called these 2 out on being idiots. Some crazy mystical powers are happening in the house. Allie is just turning into an accusatory bitch. Drago says they need to spend the night. She just had a lengthy dream about being abducted by children in corn and them putting her up on a cross. That scene took forever it felt like. I did my hair, nails, and makeup in that amount of time. An officer shows up at the 50-minute mark, and he is looking around with a flashlight, suddenly he gets flung in the air, all while Tim and Allie were pounding on the walls screaming. They are trying to figure out if they are dead.
Drago is telling Tim that He Who Walks Behind The Rows is after his wife’s baby. Drago sees lots of things. Meanwhile, Oksana/Helen was told Allie that it is her and Drago’s child locked in the building, but not by him, but by her. OK, Tim is kind of a pussy. Drago told him that their first baby was aborted, unlike Allie’s story to Tim about a miscarriage. So Tim asks Allie if it was simply a miscarriage, but lacked the conviction to follow up with questions. I am fine with him dying now. The only person I want to live is Drago. Yup, I’m good with sexy Euro chick dying too, she doesn’t show enough skin.
Pritchett is there, trying to be super nice to them. He was offering them a ride, but instead, they stole the missing cop’s vehicle. This whole thing…… fucking A. Oksana went to her son and gave him a toy truck set. Well, the kid undoes the combination lock telepathically. He then sends a pitchfork through mommy. And then shit goes from dumb, to dumber.
Tim and Allie make a getaway and get behind one of those trucks that deliver brand new vehicles. The same vehicle that the toy was. T & A are noticing one of the cars looks loose. She tells him to speed up to go around him, nope, slow down, speed up, slow down, speed up. Seriously, he was getting pissed. If he had smacked her, nobody would have blamed him I don’t feel. Well, the kid starts flipping the cars off the top. So it happens in real life. Tim doesn’t just hit the brakes, nope, let’s keep driving really fast. The 3rd or 4th one crashes into them, kills him. She lives. Pritchett finds her, brings her back to Drago, and of course, all the children are there and Allie puts up no fight. Such a bad, really truly bad ending.
Oh, and the kid picks up a doll and sets it down, so the officer finally falls from the sky. Fucking stupid.
In Conclusion, this movie was better than 7, better than 4, and 3, and maybe even 2 in some regards, but it still sucked. Drago carried the movie and I am trying to not let my favoritism of him sway my opinion too much. This simply didn’t feel like a Children of the Corn movie, and I’d go so far as to suggest that it wasn’t originally. But with a few alterations, the producers slapped on a few corn references, some creepy kids, and He Who Walks Behind The Rows and BAM, CotC part 8. SO it makes me wonder, would I have liked this movie better without it being attached to CotC? Yes, absolutely. The fact that they had to keep tying it in with the legacy of it, really hindered it. Still, I’d consider watching this again, but I have my doubts. I’m going with a 4.9. The characters are mostly dumb as hell, except Drago. Allie and Tim are obnoxious, and you want both to die by the end. I don’t know who I would recommend this to, and that’s another reason I couldn’t go 5. In good conscience, I can’t imagine that scenario where I recommend this movie to anybody unless they’re really bored and like Drago.
Final Rating: 4.9
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