Hey, a made for TV movie on SYFY. Why am I watching it? Jaime Pressly of My Name is Earl and Joe Dirt fame? Heck yeah! Tobin Bell of Saw fame? Hell yeah! Stone Cold Steve Austin of stomping a mudhole and walking it dry because Austin 3:16 said I just whipped your ass fame? OH HELL YEAH!!!! Thank you Amanda B for pointing this one out to me.
So the early going, we have cops show up at a house and 3 dead bodies are found. Then the male cop gets got. We see a creepy girl with a creepy doll, looking all creepy. I’m like Picasso with words today. Well, we can make assumptions about what happened to lady cop.
Fast forward 5 years later. There’s Jaime as Alyson Simon along with her daughter Claire. You’ll never believe how convenient this is, but Alyson has bought the murder house, AND the realtor claims nothing bad happened here. Well, Claire is having issues moving, but she finds a vent, and what’s inside? Lilith, the creepy doll. So Alyson has a nosy neighbor, Janine, played by Marina Sirtis, whom you may know as Counselor Deanna Troi from Star Trek the Next Generation. Sweet. She was a sexy bitch that nerds wanted to pulverize. Oh, Claire is not adjusting at all to this new house, but hey, she likes to hang out upstairs singing to herself with Lilith while pulling wings off of flies.
Sweet, Tobin Bell is Claire’s doctor, maybe psychologist, and he has a kick-ass mustache. Man, Claire is talking shit to her mom about how her mom ruined the marriage. A nice waitress offered to give Claire a new doll and get rid of Lilith. Well you know that ain’t happening. She was nice at least. Janine is blaming Claire for the death of her cats. Uh oh, Carol, the waitress is in trouble. Shit is moving, a knife was thrown. More knives are coming her way. Well, the gas from the stove came on, and then a fire, and then a big boom.
Hmmm, apparently SyFy is making a series out of 12 Monkeys. I’m intrigued.
HOLY FUCK, I just had a moment. Claire’s dad is there to pick her up. His voice is familiar. Hmmm, he looks familiar. I ask Raylene if she recognizes him, she tells me that he was on soap operas. I know better than that. It is the dude who played Jeff on Saved by the Bell. Yes, the douche bag that Kelly fell for and dumped Zach. The guy that caused the most traumatic TV moment of my life! Let’s face it, I can probably still recite 90% of Kelly’s breakup speech to Zach. Zach, I don’t how to say this. Well, do you love him? AC Slater and Jessie Spano singing “How Am I Supposed to Live” in the background. That speech turned me into one of the most jaded douche bags. Also, he was in Starship Troopers, when he took hot ass, Denise Richards. Good lord, she was practically perfect at that point in time. Yeah, there’s a movie still on.
Alyson visited the boy who was the murderer at the house. He sang the same song as Claire. I must admit, I am still marking out for Jeff being in this film. Anybody who has seen this movie and didn’t instantly recognize him, SHAME on you. Jeff got a pizza for him and Claire for dinner. Uh oh, Jeff’s hoochie mama Kathy drops by. She’s easy on the eyes. Kathy gives Claire a new doll. You can imagine how that went. Jeff is gonna go run do to the store, grab some wine and some ice cream for Claire. Kathy is alone in the house with Claire. Well, you know how this plays out. Claire sees weird things happening, so she hides under the bed. I make a Taken reference out loud. Within 3 seconds, she got dragged out from under the bed. Oh, and for good measure, her body gets flung and lands on Jeff’s car.
Claire is now dressing like Lilith. We’re now in Janine’s house. Well, as the song goes, the rhythm’s gonna get her…tonight. So the parents are deciding that getting rid of the doll may be a good thing. OK, well that may prove difficult. So they try throwing it away. And now disappointment. I have been misled. This Steve Austin was not Stone Cold. I am ever so pissed. Like without focusing on his pic, I saw a white, bald male with the same facial hair. Granted, upon looking at it for more than a brief glance, I see I was off. But seriously, look at him, and you can see how I could make this mistake.
Tobin Bell is blaming Claire’s bruise on her upper arm on Alyson. Tobin Bell is talking down to her, this is so fucking hilarious. He got right under her skin. Claire is pissed, “Where’s Lily?” Holy shit, Claire just slapped the shit out of herself, made her bleed. Tobin is gonna make Alyson play a game. These 2 teachers/professors have the doll thanks to Alyson, stupid plot. Anyway, they go to cut open the doll’s abdomen, and well that cuts Claire’s up. And then the lights go out.
Tobin Bell is now questioning Claire about the bruises. He recorded it and is playing it back. Claire has an evil look in her eyes. Now some strumpet that works for Tobin Bell lets him know that the doll is there and something came up with Zach, the boy responsible for the murders that Alyson visited earlier. The strumpet got got. Ohhhh shit, Tobin got stabbed in the back with scissors.
Just to make this clear, whatever happens to the doll, happens to Claire as they are connected. The professor apparently is alive and she is telling the parents how to sever the connection between the 2. This is tomfoolery at it’s finest. Ohhhhh no, Jeff got attacked. By the way, way back when we met Kathy, we see Jeff throw away 2 pizza boxes. How did they eat that much pizza with the tiny girl, Kathy’s tiny ass, and Jeff? Back to what’s happening. professor got her eyes taken out and set on fire. The best part of this is while she’s on fire, you can clearly see the mask that the stunt double is wearing while being engulfed in flames, like painfully obvious.
Anyway, the parents overcome the obstacles, and they defeat the doll, they get back together and as they are driving away, there is Zach outside. OK, that’s a wrap.
In conclusion, it is exactly what you’d expect it to be, only with a killer cast, and the non-Stone Cold Steve Austin. I’m giving it a 4. It was fun for a movie I will never see again. If you have nothing better to do, you aren’t going to be bored by this. You just aren’t going to be begging for a sequel. I only recommend to those folks with nothing better to do.
Final Rating: 4.0
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- Hybrid (presents)
- HFD Productions
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