While the original Friday the 13th started it all, this is the first film in which Jason is the killer, and obviously he is synonymous with the franchise. Adrienne King (Alice) and Betsy Palmer (Mrs. Voorhees) return in this film in varying capacities, given that Mrs. Voorhees was decapitated. Get ready for a very clumsy Jason.
Is this Georgie from Stephen King’s IT to start this off? We have someone in jeans walking. Alice appears to have grown her hair a bit. She is having a dream/flashback of Mrs. Voorhees giving her speech. What the hell is Alice wearing? Wait, why is the vision of Jason drowning part of this dream? Technically, it was in Mrs. Voorhees’ memory. Am I watching Inception? Back to Alice’s awful attire. That green plaid overalls look, not good. This is kinda lazy, just replaying so much of the first film. 6 and a half minutes and 5 of them were replays from a film I just watched. I get it, people couldn’t just digitally stream films back to back when this was made, so a good refresher is better than a shitty one.
Alice gets a call from her mom. Alice needs to get her life back together. Alice likes to draw, so glad they brought that back. Alice is getting changed and she doesn’t want to show any skin. She’s too good for that. Well, we see her in the shower, and only neck up. Whatever, I don’t really care to see her nude, but still, the tease is absurd. Am I in Utica? There’s a strip club called Teasers in Utica for those of you who wouldn’t have gotten that reference. Okay, she got a phone call, but nobody was on the line. Now she hears something and her window is open. I’m gonna eat a Little Debbie Swiss Cake Roll during the cat jump scare. She goes to feed the cat, finds a head in her fridge, and then gets an ice pick through her head for her efforts.
More importantly, that Swiss Cake Roll was gross. It had a chemical taste to it. I had to throw it away. Let’s take a moment to remember that snack. Amen.
Ohhhh, there’a couple going to use a payphone and there’s Crazy Ralph. The girl’s name Sandra and they are calling Ted. Ralph walks over to let them know that they are all doomed. Hahaha, their truck is getting towed. That will teach them. Ted set it all up. Wow, Ted, terrible shorts. Jeff is the dude with Sandra. Paul is the name of the guy who is running the camp. They come across a big branch in the middle of the road. Sandra just wanders off and just happens to find the Camp Crystal Lake sign. Ted mentions Camp Blood. They are being watched by….well you know.
We get to meet a lot of people. Some girl with her ass hanging out of her shorts and she gets hit by a slingshot in the ass. More of that ass, please. Terry is that girl’s name. We meet Vickie, Scott, Mark, and the guy talking must be Paul. A car passes Ralph as he is biking by the camp. Ginny shows up late and Paul gives her the business. She is Paul’s assistant. Oh, they kiss. I don’t like her or her outfit. Nice hair though. “Axes, knives, lanterns, saws. They can all be trouble.” says Paul. Paul warns of bears, change clothing often, and to keep clean during menstrual cycles.
Now everyone at night gathered around the fire. Paul talks to them about the legend of Jason. Foreshadow much, Paul? This takes place 5 years after the first one. This story leads to Ted jumping out and scaring everyone by wearing a mask. Man, Ginny is a bitch. I really don’t like her. Mark, the dude in the wheelchair, just won an arm-wrestling match. We are in Camp Packanack. Scott got rejected by Terry. How close to Camp Blood are they? Obviously, within walking distance, I am sure. Ginny removes her top, nice white bra. At least she did that right. We see a shadow lurking. I think it was Ralph based on head/hat. Paul creeps up and scares Ginny, then they make out. It is hard to really get behind these two. Yup, Ralph is watching. Then barbed wire around Ralph’s neck, and Ralph is dead. That makes me sad.
In the 70’s, we had the one guy in Texas Chainsaw Massacre who was in a wheelchair, Franklin. You don’t get many wheelchair folks in modern horror. The dog just found Jason. Hey, there’s Terry, and she’s looking for the dog, Muffin. Ain’t Muffin to it, as they would say on Bob’s Burgers. Ginny operating a chainsaw makes me feel uneasy.
Everybody goes to the beach. Sandra wants Jeff to go to Camp Blood. She has an ample chest and is wearing a bikini top, so the fellas should be pleased. Seeing lots of relatively in shape guys in swimwear, so that ladies can be happy too. No need to discriminate. I don’t like Sandra’s cutoff shorts. Jason is following these two clowns. My only question is will we see her or Terry’s tits in this one. My money is on Terry, but Sandra could pull the upset. Well, they just found Muffin, dead. An officer just stopped them and now he is giving Paul the business because they were trespassing. The officer was kind of a clown, but not in a good way.
As he is leaving, he sees a man in the road heading into the woods with a burlap sack on his head. The chase for Jason is on. Jason is actually jogging a bit, not the walk that he is eventually associated with. The officer finds this shack or trailer, it looks like hell. He goes in. I think this guy will be just fine. He goes snooping around inside. We see a dirty toilet, but honestly, you’d have expected worse. BAM, hammer time, to the back of the officer’s skull.
Paul is telling the group that they are free to go out for a night on the town. Terry, and her braless titties are staying. Sandra and Jeff must stay. Mark and some woman is staying. are staying. Like, half the group is leaving. Terry is going for a walk. And then is the shadow of Jason lurking. I have to assume that the guy who has a hard-on for Terry is following her. Lady, you ain’t gonna find Muffin. There’s Terry’s tits. She is so thin up top, but a great ass. Glad I predicted her to be the nude. She goes swimming.
Jeff and Mark are arm wrestling, then Sandra says something slutty and they meander off. I’m thinking this other girl is Vickie, and Mark challenges her to arm wrestle. She says that she only wants his finger. Then she pulls out the old portable video games. Such a teaser. They are playing for choice of position.
Back to Terry, and somebody is taking her clothes. I get it, sometimes we all like to sniff panties, but I’m sure that she’s cold. It’s just rude. And yeah, it was Scott. Scott walks into a trap and is hung upside down. She still hasn’t put her shirt on. She tells Scott not to go anywhere. She just threw her towel into seemingly nowhere. She is looking for something to cut him down, but it’s gotta be 8 to 9 feet in the air. Jason just slit Scott’s throat. Terry gets her Swiss Army knife. She finds him and is screaming.
Now we are with the group who are enjoying some live music and dancing. Her, more Budweiser. Is this like a Honkytonk bar? Ted, Paul, and Ginny talk about Camp Blood and the Jason legend. By the way, Ginny knows child psychology. You know that makes her final girl by default. She is terrible though. Aww, Paul and Ted are making fun of Ginny for taking it too seriously, so now she is all pissy.
Jeff and Sandra are making out. Mark and Vickie are playing with each other. Mark explains that he paralyzed his legs in a motorcycle accident. Vickie asks if the rest of his body works well. Then she wants to smoke. She is awful too. Jeff’s shirt is off. Will Sandra’s be next? Oh the suspense. Yup.
Vickie kisses Mark, bout fucking time. They are going to find their own cabin, but first, she has to get something. I feel bad for Mark. This bitch is gonna die before he gets to hit it. She is wearing a nice satin purple bra. Time to change panties into this brown satin and she has a very nice ass. Shame that there weren’t any closeups. Now the perfume on her neck and tits. 3 squirts, too much! Oh, those satin panties look awful on her ass. Fucking 80’s lingerie is the worst!!! Her ass looked so much better in the others. But she’s outside, bending over, searching her car. This, I approve of. Oh, thunderstorm time. But really, she put on too much perfume. Mark hears something, hoping it’s Vickie. Is he gonna get it before her? Yup, a machete to face and he went rolling.
Jeff and Sandra just had their O-faces going. Jason grabs a spear. I’m pissed. About 2 weeks ago, there was a spear on sale and I didn’t pull the trigger and now I have non-buyer’s remorse. So Jeff speared her, now Jason spears both. Good kill.
Paul and Ginny are leaving the bar. Ted is staying. He is gonna feel like shit the next day. Hangover plus dealing with a bunch of kids. Fuck that. Ted asks this older guy if there are any after hours places. The guy replies with “Sure are” but never tells him where. That guy was great.
Vickie is looking for Mark. She looks great with her hair done and the sweater is a great color on her. Her jeans aren’t the best, but that’s okay. She can’t find Mark, so she checks on Sandra and Jeff. She sees someone in bed, but it is Jason. He cuts her leg. She just stands there all scared for like 7 seconds, so he stabs her. I think that should be made legal. If you stand still while someone comes at you with a weapon, there’s a timeframe and you should be hauling ass. Otherwise, you deserve it. All of the attractive girls are dead. We now just have Ginny and Paul’s dumbass.
Ginny finds a very bloody bed. We have about 15 minutes remaining, so we are getting to the big finale and chase with the final girl. Paul holds his own against Jason who is very clumsy in his attack. I am glad that they evolved Jason. Ginny does nothing to help. Jason pops up, but Paul doesn’t. She trapped herself in the bathroom. Now I know that Jason can just basically walk through that door later on. Instead, he resorts to trying to grab her through the window. Jason is weak here. He’ll improve.
She ends up in the kitchen, I think. The pitchfork through the door. She goes to leave, but there’s Ralph. She goes out the window. She heads to her piece of shit car that never works. Guess what, it doesn’t start. Jason was right next to her then he ducked. Pitchfork through the roof. She knocks him off his feet by opening the door? The fuck? She can’t be that strong and he can’t be that weak. She hides, waits, and kicks Jason in the junk. She has slipped or fallen yet. There’s the yellow car that fans of the game will be happy to see.
She’s running and Jason tried to practically RKO her from outta nowhere and failed. He is super clumsy. This leads to a cabin. She’s hiding under a bed, I think, as is tradition. Oh, there’s a rat that pays her a visit. She pisses herself and Jason notices. She crawls out and Jason is on a chair and falls. She gets a chainsaw and get him in a corner. She hits him…with a chair? You just had a chainsaw. Why the fuck do you put down the chainsaw and opt for a chairshot? Like a weak wooden chair. WHY?
She ends up at the shack and screams when she sees him get close because she is smart. She locks herself in Jason’s shrine to his mother, which includes her skull and blue sweater. Fans of the NES game is all too familiar with that fucking sweater. Such a pain in the ass to get. She talks to Jason as if she is his mom and tells him that she has a reward. There’s Betsy Palmer. Jason wants to hit her with the pickaxe, but is easily confused. She tells Jason to kneel down. Ginny gives herself away by moving and Jason sees his mom’s skull. Jason goes for the kill and cuts her, but there’s Paul for the rescue. Jason struggles, and we get slow motion. She grabs the machete and she gets him in the shoulder or collarbone. It wasn’t the killing blow that you’d have anticipated.
Paul carries her back to the cabin. Come on Jason, come back just to fuck up Paul. Ginny is crying loudly. We get the music. Ginny has the pitchfork and looks like a jackass. Paul has a shovel handle, I guess. Paul opens the door, and it’s just Muffin. What a fucking twist!!! Then Jason crashes through the window all deformed and grabs Ginny in slow motion. And then we are at the next day and Ginny is getting loaded into an ambulance. The fuck is this unsatisfying ending? We then get a close up on Mrs. Voorhees’ skull.
End film.
Huh, I just learned that they had to cut a longer sex scene between Jeff and Sandra which showed full frontal because she was underage at the time. I won’t comment on that one.
This is tough to judge. We all know what Jason eventually becomes. Here, we get out first glimpse of adult Jason. And he is big and strong and menacing. Those are all perks. At the time, nobody knew that he would evolve into what we know of him today. So I cannot penalize for knowing the future. I can only judge on what I am being presented. This was good.
There were too many characters, and I don’t feel that we got to know them very well. We knew a lot about Ginny. We know that Jeff and Sandra just wanted to fuck. We know that Terry cared about Muffin and Scott wanted to fuck her, Terry, not Muffin. We know that Mark and Vickie were going to fuck and that she went all out for her good time only for it to be undone. But that’s kind of it for character development. As we delve deeper into the franchise, less and less fucks will be given about character development, and I get that, but I want laughs and I want to care about a few characters. Aside from Ralph and Vickie, I didn’t care about these people. Still, this did a lot of things really well and set the stage for the franchise. I’ve seen this one plenty with no regrets.
Final Rating: 6.3
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