No, this is not the Disney movie. I actually have avoided that because it pisses me off when I look for things about this film, I get 99% Disney garbage. Sorry, Disney is awesome sometimes, but when you take away from the horror community, SuperKent gets pissed off. I know it’s hard to imagine a world in which I get angry, but it does happen every once in awhile.
I have seen this movie about 3-5 times, I can’t recall. It stars Emma Bell as Parker, she was in Final Destination 5, Hatchet II, and The Walking Dead as Andrea’s sister Amy. Then we have her boyfriend, Joe, played by Shawn Ashmore. I find him to be kinda douchey, but you all probably know him as Bobby/Iceman in the X-Men movies, where he is a complete douche, only not as bad as James Marsden/Cyclops. I totally loathe Cyclops, worst XMen character ever!!! Ashmore also was in Hatchet II, so there’s that connection. Finally, we have Dan, played by Kevin Zegers, who was in the Dawn of the Dead remake as well as Wrong Turn. Dan is the loudmouth buddy, third wheel, not afraid to run his mouth guy. So early on, he’s the best character. Kane Hodder also has a very small role in this, and we all know Kane in the role of Jason Voorhees in 4 films.
So these 3 are on a trip to go skiing/snowboarding. They didn’t have enough money, so Parker bribes Jason to let them on the ski lift. That is a very simplistic plot so far and never overcomplicates itself. So I’m gonna eat some pineapple while they do some character development. It’s night time now, and Dan wants one last hurrah to go up top because they have spent all day on the bunny slope, and well Dan wants to live to win. He also is trying to hook up with a chick. Joe is a douche bothering Jason to let them go on one final run, despite bad weather coming. Jason finally gives in, but it is dark, it’s about to get bad.
Some co-worker tells Jason that his schedule got messed up and he’s working next weekend, but Jason ain’t having that. So Jason leaves this guy, Rifkin to stay with the lift. Hmm, the chick that Dan hit on was also in the Hatchet movies. Uh oh, Jason gave Ryfkin inaccurate info as far as telling him only 3 were remaining. There was actually 6, and 3 just came down, dun dun dun!!!!! So Rifkin stops the ski lift and they are way the fuck up there, and the place is about to shut down for the long weekend. Well, there you go, that’s the plot. Now it’s a question of what do they do. Rest assured, poor decision after poor decision is made because that’s how horror movies work.
While discussing worst ways to die, Parker is blather on about 9/11 because that’s just something idiots do and say, talking about jumping to their deaths. Hmmm, no foreshadowing, right? Dan counters with dying in the Sarlacc Pit. I appreciate that answer, so once again, Dan is the best character. Unfortunately, I am guessing that since the vast majority of my audience is female, a chunk of them are unaware of what the Sarlacc Pit is. It’s part of the big scene in Star Wars Return of the Jedi, and it’s where Boba Fett ends up, and nobody messes with the Fett man. I actually have a Boba Fett glass. Is it any wonder I was single for years and years.
Now the discussion is how are they gonna piss. She gets mad at Dan for wanting to whip his cock out and piss. Now it is below freezing. I’m just saying, you’re sitting down, you can’t stand. Your dick is gonna be buried like a turtle’s head. There’s no way it’s not, unless you’re Peter North. And Parker has convinced herself that she can hold it for a week. Yeah, that’s possible. Everybody is gonna piss themselves, that’s just the practicality of the situation. Oh, a moment of hope. Kane Hodder is driving some big ass machine, stops, but it’s for a phone call. They threw their stuff at the vehicle, but to no avail. Yup, you are fuuucked. Which is the beauty of this film. They appear to be 40-50 feet up in the air.
SPOILERS FROM HERE UNTIL THE LAST PARAGRAPH
Dan just talked about Lucky Charms. Joe says that somebody needs to jump. I completely buy what he’s selling. You can absolutely survive the fall into the snow if you land right. Parker’s dumbass dropped her glove while trying to get a cigarette, and her face is getting frost burned. A lesson to everybody, Smokers are Jokers, and you need your fucking glove in this scenario. Sweet, Joe is gonna be the one to jump. He slides himself off in a seated position, but mid-air, he straightens his legs, so he doesn’t fall on his back to distribute the impact. It couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy. The bones are sticking out of both of his legs. Gooooood gooood. Parker decides to throw her scarf to help him stop the bleeding, and of course, she throws it in the trees, and now you have one less article of clothing, idiot. Dan at least makes a throw with the headband I think. I thought it was a bandana, but Joe isn’t that cool.
Dan has decided that he is going to try climbing across the cables to get to one of the towers that hold the lifts so high, as they all have ladders. Oh, they are hearing wolves or coyotes. Joe is flipping out. Parker says it could be worst. He could be in a Sarlacc Pit. Now Dan has never done a pullup in his life. My buddy and I have discussed all of our survival scenarios and how we would make this work. We have deduced that I would not be the one crossing the cable because I’m large and in charge. Also, it’d be great if you could get your legs draped, but that’s not practical. And there’s a wolf at Joe’s feet, but they scare the wolf.
Parker’s frostbite is getting much worse, and she keeps trying to rub it. Dan tries crossing, but the cable is slicing through his gloves. The wolf has come back with his wolf pack of about 5 or 6. They are gonna eat Joe’s bitchass. Like he didn’t even try to put up a fight to fend off the wolves. For fuck’s sake, have some dignity. If I’m surrounded by wolves and both of my legs are shattered, I’m not giving up. I don’t just give up. I would be punching those fuckers in the nose and making loud noises, I would kill at least one. Good riddance, asshole.
Well, we see how badly the cable has cut through Dan’s gloves. Now Dan and Parker are playing the blame game over neither of them stopping Joe from jumping. The reality is, it was a sound plan carried out piss poorly. Parker is being a bitch. HAHA, Dan just told her that if they didn’t have to spend all day on the bunny hill, they wouldn’t be where they are, or if she didn’t barge her way into every aspect of his life, ruining 2 best friend’s weekend plans. Fuckin women, always causing a rift among friends. And guys are too stupid to realize that they let it happen, myself included. Sigh. I’m going back to my pineapple.
I’m hungry today. I may make some spicy noodle. That sounds good. Then I’ll probably get sick because my stomach can’t handle noodles too well. But they taste so good. I wish this headache would go away. I can’t tell you how long it has been since I have gone 24 hours without a headache. We’re talking months. Think about that. That fucking sucks. Just like this part of the movie where these 2 idiots are blathering on being all sad and emotional. She’s worried about how her dog is gonna die because she can’t feed it. That is the most sensible thing she has said all movie, and saddest. Poor dog. I really miss my dog. For those of you who are unaware, I had to put my 15-year-old dog down late this summer. It just doesn’t seem right still. The last few months, she spent a ton of time with me, way more than normal, and it was awesome to bond, but it made the connection all the stronger, and tougher to deal with at the end. Back to the movie.
It’s the morning. now neither of these dumbasses covered their face at night, but this is even better. She slept with her bare hand on the metal bar and not her gloved hand. She just peeled her hand off. Yup, that was gruesome. She keeps wanting to poke her face, so do I, hehehehe, but it’s due to her frostbite that she keeps at it. Uh oh, she’s realizing that she cannot hold her pee any longer, so now she pisses herself. Now once again, I know it’d be work, but I’d genuinely try getting my pants off so I didn’t sit in urine for potentially days in these cold conditions. Like she could find a way to angle it. Just gotta be creative. Oh, and while pissing herself, she picked the scab off her face. Yup, she is an idiot. I want her to die next so badly.
We have about 25 minutes to go. Dan is talking about this chick he knew, they were soul mates. They loved the same movie, loved Aerosmith. It’s so rare to find a soul mate, and sometimes, people don’t work hard enough to make it happen. She ends up cheating on him. “That’s messed up”. I hope that everybody has a soul mate and that they are fortunate enough to find one another somehow some way if only to have the opportunity. Back to the movie, I am getting so sidetracked. Soul mate this, dead dog that, and pineapple.
More boring talky shit. They are bonding. Our furnace just got replaced, so 20 minutes later, I am back to the movie and all momentum for me has been lost. OK, so Dan has grappled across the cable and made it to the next chair. The chair Parker is on it very wobbly due to a screw coming loose. Dan has made it to the second chair. OK, he made it to the tower and ladder. She fucked up and didn’t toss him the ski pole he requested for defense. Of course, she fucked up.
As soon as he’s down, he gets attacked. He grabs a pole that is close oh and he’s yelling at them. This buys him some time. He is now riding a snowboard down the hill with wolves chasing him. This movie has been interrupted at least 8 times. I am locking the house up soon, locking my door, and saying fuck it. I can’t get caught up to my pace if I don’t focus.
Anyway, she is now alone. She realizes that she is gonna make a jump for it too. She does it smartly, well sets herself up nicely, but then the cable starts fraying, which I am not buying. So she falls gracefully and then the lift lands on her leg, obviously hurting it. She starts crawling, dragging herself. And she came across bloody Dan. He got eaten by the wolves. Her leg may not be broken, or adrenaline is kicking in. She is limping, she made it to the road. A car picked her up. She keeps hearing Joe in her head saying that she’ll be ok…and end credits.
NOW, my biggest issue is that I get in horror films, women are naturally more empowered, blah blah blah, but in this scenario, she didn’t deserve to live. And it pisses me off. This was not the movie to make some bullshit feminist point. This was about survival, and she was the least equipped person to do so. It was like watching a John Cena match. He shouldn’t win, he does nothing smart all match, but a few moves at the end and he suddenly wins despite being beaten down all match. Fuck that. Still, it was an interesting film, I found it pretty original.
END SPOILERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111
In conclusion, I only give this movie a 6.0 because they did too many dumb things, plus the ending always pisses me off. ALWAYS! I do love the premise and the discussion it brings forth. Of course, it’s easy to analyze from the comfort of my recliner, but I’m still right. You readers should already know that. I would recommend watching this with friends that will have a fun discussion mid-movie about what to do, and people that will mock the characters. To watch it alone, it’s just not as fun of an experience, but I recommend it either way. Just be prepared for a shitty ending. It is tough to find pictures that don’t ruin it, even the movie poster itself gives away spoilers, which is just stupid.
Final Rating: 6.0
All the pictures used in this blog are for review purposes. They are the property of:
- A Bigger Boat
- ArieScope Pictures (in association with)
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