Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth has an even lower score on IMDB than part II and I wasn’t overly enthused by that film. This concerns me. But the Children of the Corn franchise taught me that I should find some gems among some awful films in a 10 film franchise. So I may as well try to have fun, right?
While looking through the cast list, it doesn’t look like anything great. Kirsty has a tiny role, so that is cool. Julia refused to do the third film, that’s cool. I worry that I won’t get anymore Frank. Zach Galligan, of Gremlins fame, has a very small role. And I see that Motorhead’s “Hellraiser” is actually on this soundtrack. That is a big positive for me. I am impressed. I made a frozen pizza and only ate 2/3 of it and now I am eating some pineapple. Yes, fruit instead of pizza. I feel so much shame.
I am really glad that I spent the time that I did to rip so many of my DVD’s and blu rays to a hard drive. Trying to find the uncensored version of this anywhere wasn’t happening. I have many more films to do someday, but I did most of my horror collection at the very least.
Start Film
I feel like Lance Henriksen should be in this. Come to find out, he is in the 8th film, Hellworld. I guess they tried making this film more commercially appealing, which concerns me. As wacky as some of the shit was in the first two, it helped make it feel very unique and special. This dude is in Pyramid Gallery. He sees a spinning pillar and there’s the box. Some guy offers to sell it. There’s Pinhead’s face!
We meet Joey, who is an attractive news reporter. Her cameraman is named Doc. So back to back films with a Doc. We are at a hospital and it appears that someone is preparing the tools for surgery. Joey is a very down on her luck, very hard on herself. This dude comes in on a stretcher with bloody chains attached to him and this pretty lady with him saying that she had nothing to do with it. Her name is Terri. This happened at the Boiler Room night club, I guess. This dude gets pulled apart in the hospital room, His blood drops to the floor. That was fun.
Joey visits the Boiler Room hoping to find some more info. She is looking for a pretty woman, and the bartender directs her to JP Monroe. JP is the owner of the bar and the restaurant.
We have flashbacks to a war. I am guessing Nam. Fucked if I truly know. Joey’s dad died in this war. Vietnam would make some sense. Terri calls Joey in the middle of the night and needs a place to stay because JP kicked her out. This is normal? You’re a news reporter, you meet a girl in the hospital who doesn’t want to talk, the guy she was with gets ripped to shreds by magical chains, you find her boyfriend who owns a bar and restaurant, piss him off, and then the girl calls to spend the night at your place. Yeah, that all seems really fucking normal to me. Joey says that her dad died in Vietnam. Terri is super awkward. Terri doesn’t want to talk about the guy who got got. She says that the boy must have stolen the puzzle box. The box looks like shit and the chains came out of it, supposedly. Do I believe her? Mayhaps.
JP is with the Pillar of Souls, I guess that is the name of it, per Wikipedia. JP reaches into it. A rat bites him and blood goes everywhere. And then the blood ends up in Pinhead’s mouth. Terri has no fucking idea of how to make breakfast. The kitchen is a fucking disaster. She’s a worse breakfast cook than Andy in Child’s Play. Terri talks about how she found the pillar in a store and knew that JP would love it. Both of these girls are attractive, good casting. The store has supposedly been closed for over a month, so Terri breaks them in through the backdoor. The art here is from kid’s art projects, bankruptcy sales, and the Channard asylum. My goodness, it is 39 degrees out, I have my window open, and I am sweating while wearing a shirt and shorts. The lady downstairs must have the heat cranked. Fucking hell. Did I solve the puzzle box?
At the Boiler Room, JP tells the bartender to give this very pretty girl a long stem rose. I think her name is Sandy. Her and JP fuck. Now, I read that this lady had a problem showing her breasts so they had JP hold her tits instead. I’m sorry, but in a film with this type of content, if you read the script, I think you either accept it or let someone else take the role. There are exceptions to the rule, like Mark Wahlberg in Boogie Nights because he had to wear a prosthetic and that is a very different circumstance. I’m just saying, if you’re going to accept a role in a film that calls for nudity, just be prepared to do it or pass on the gig. I would have enjoyed seeing some breasts here. It’s fucking horror. Get your shit together! This goes for males and females. It’s 2020 and I have to be all equal opportunity and inclusive and all that shit. JP needs to hit the gym. The pillar is in the room with them. Pinhead opens his eyes.
Joey is calling someone about the Channard video archives. Joey wants the Kirsty tapes. Terri is ready to bail and Joey offers Terri to stay in the spare room. Terri offers to do breakfast. Sandy is sounding like a God damn Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. Sandy is a jackass and trying to make conversation and JP gives her the boot. She goes spouting off and some chains get her and rip her skin off and Pinhead sucks her into the statue. Now, if you’re JP, do you keep the pillar because it just gets rid of annoying bitches, or do you get rid of it. JP said what Pinhead did was evil. Pinhead says that JP will submit and JP grabs a gun thinking that he would be Johnny Badass. Apparently, that is the gun that he used to kill his parents. He fires at Pinhead and he just spits out the bullets. Pinhead wants JP to help him. JP is gonna help.
Doc looks like an ex-wrestler that turned into a cameraman. Joey gets the tape. Ugh, Kirsty. It’s Kirsty talking about the box while at the hospital. She talks about how it opens and wants to open. Then talks about the demons. Then Captain Elliot Spencer is on the video saying that she is telling the truth and addresses Joey. Elliot is the man who eventually became Pinhead. When Joey rewinds, Elliot is no longer on the tape.
Terri is reading a book on battles and sees the puzzle box and it looks nice and clean now. Terri does too. JP calls Terri at Joey’s. JP just wants to have a drink and Terri is a mess. Then there’s a phone call about Joey getting the job at Monterey and that leads Terri back to JP.
Joey has more war nightmares. Then wakes up and sees Elliot on the TV saying that she has to help him. JP really just wants to hug her, but by the pillar. Haha, “Come to daddy”. She gets close but says that she can’t. Pinhead says “Bring her to me, boy.” That is as close to Phantasm as I may get. After a tussle, Terri punched him with brass knucks. She goes to leave and Pinhead tells her to stay. Terri is really bad at everything. She nudges JP toward the pillar and he gets chained and some chit through his head. The pillar is coming alive. Lots of slime. Pinhead is now standing in the room with them.
I gotta say, garlic is one of the most high risk, high rewards foods. Use it just right and it is absolutely delicious. Use too much or use it in the wrong dish with the wrong combination and it can destroy the meal.
Joey wakes up and the radio is playing. It tells her to go to the window. Whenever a radio tells me to go to the window, obviously I do. She opens her curtains and can see Elliot Spencer using the puzzle box. She can step through her window into the room with Elliot. She asks that he talk to her. Instead, a door opens and she goes through it. Now she is at the scene of the war, and there’s Elliot, who takes off. He assures her that she is not dreaming. Elliot wants to stop this hell. He explains his past and how Kirsty released him but the evil was too strong. There’s a door to hell in Joey’s apartment. Pinhead has to take the box, it can’t be given, I think. Then you bring him to limbo so Elliot can face off with pinhead. Well, that’s definitely going to happen so we can have the actor go against himself.
At the Boiler Room, Pinhead makes his presence felt. This causes panic and the chains come out, and weird daggers. The kill count is real. 5 CD’s kill the DJ. So many chains. Did they go to a hardware store and buy up all of their chain supply? That’s a legitimate question. Joey sees the news coverage of this on her TV. She calls Doc and they’re gonna meet. Ohhh, her TV was unplugged all this time. She brings the box.
Joey goes into the Boiler Room. So many bodies, but even more chains, I think. I bet the director had a mandate that there be a chain in-frame at all times. The set design is really nice, I must say. She finds a headless Doc. There’s Pinhead, on cue. Joey, you don’t tell him that you’re going to stop him. He wants her to give him the box. She insults him and that seems a tad mean. He goes to grab it but is shocked and Joey makes a run for it. This causes a taxi cab to veer and causes a nasty accident. Oh, this chase is great. Live electrical wires are chasing her, and then the fire hydrant erupts and the wires shock the water. There are some chains from the sewer grate and Pennywise says hello. This is like something out of Final Destination, but cooler. And now Joey is on TV. Doc is a Cenobite and has a camera lens where his right eye should be. And the TV store explodes. Some dude just got got by Ceno-Doc. “Are you ready for your closeup, Joey?” Well, at least they brought back the cheesy sense of humor. I admit that I was starting to miss it.
We have even more Cenobites. The cops show up and won’t listen to Joey because that is what cops to in horror. The DJ is a Cenobite. The barman is a Cenobite who throws gasoline and spits fire. Docobite says “That’s a wrap”. These jokes are getting better and better. Joey ends up in a church. I read that a lot of the crew was uncomfortable with this. Seriously, you’re doing horror. Get over it or quit. The priest doesn’t believe in demons and then Pinhead enters and is shattering all the stained windows. Pinhead hurts the priest’s hand. Pinhead pulled a pin and worm out of his head. He sticks it into the palm of his hand and does the same with the other hand. The priest says that Pinhead will burn in Hell for this. Pinhead fucks with the priest and Joey taunts him with the box.
Every time I write the term Cenobite, I want a Cinnabon. Do they still exist? There’s Terri and JP as Cenobites. Per IMDB, they have more official names, but I like my nicknames better. Why does JP have a piston in his head? Like what was the purpose or symbolism? They trap her and Pinhead approaches. All the new Cenobites are now here. Joey unleashes the box. We have a case of uh-oh. The box fires blue shit at all of the Cenobites. They disappear, but it looked like Pinhead survives. Hahaha, she asks Elliot if that was all that she needed to do. Silly lady.
She is not in a field and there is her father and they talk. Someone approached him to go to his daughter. I don’t trust it. She says that she should have something that she shouldn’t need anymore. She stupidly gives him the box and it’s Pinhead, to nobody’s surprise. She turns to run away and falls. I love horror cliches. He wants to open her up. They are now in the Elliot room and are in his dominion. Elliot wants to take him to Hell and Pinhead wants to bring Joey. Then he bounds her and she is hanging by her wrists. Some creature comes up from the ground. I am sure it is friendly. Elliot grabs Pinhead by the wrists, he drops the box and their head start to merge and intertwine. Pinhead absorbs Elliot, it appears. But the Elliot tells her to send him to Hell. Pinhead walks so slow and Joey figures out the puzzle and jabs him with it and sends him to Hell.
Joey finds some wet concrete and puts the box inside. That isn’t helpful! There is this big building and the interior has the design of the box all over on the walls. It looks quite nice. And Lemmy is now singing Hellraiser. All is right in this world.
End Film.
I like truly badass Pinhead, but I also liked him when he was interested in negotiating. I found that trait of his to be far more fascinating, but after being tricked, why would he ever trust someone? Joey and Terri were both fine as leads. Terri played her role really well, as did JP. The acting was quite good. I found this to be more fun than the previous two films. That’s not a good or bad thing. The set pieces in part 2 may be unrivaled in this franchise. But the set here was also good. I don’t have any real complaints. I think I liked this better than Part 2. I liked the characters better.
Rating: 5.7 – I won’t pretend that this was significantly better, but minor preferences and more enjoyable characters helped.
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