What do you do if after many drafts and scripts for the proposed Freddy vs Jason film fall through or don’t meet your standards? You say fuck it, let’s make yet another horror movie with space marines and a beloved icon. That worked so well with Hellraiser and Leprechaun, right? Let’s have a laugh. What is the funniest possible combination of horror franchise meets Space?
Freddy could potentially pull it off. Michael Meyers and Leatherface would never work. Neither would Chucky or Ghostface. An exorcism in space could be crazy as hell, but how often do priests go into space? Forget all Universal monsters in Space. I’ll offer you one that could be decent and one that would be so shitty that nothing could save it. I think you could almost do an Evil Dead in space as long as you have Bruce Campbell in it. Bruce is well equipped to anything into gold. But here is the one I want to see most. Children of the Corn in space!!!
Back to Jason X. In 2001, I distinctly remember being in KMart with Amanda and seeing a Jason X Halloween costume. I thought it was strange, but I got excited by this. I asked her if she knew when it was coming out and she didn’t, It was this mystery. The following year, it was released. So why were there costumes? Believe it or not, I cannot find anything online to substantiate a rumor I heard in the early ’00s. I heard that due to 9/11, New Line pulled the film’s release in the US. And I think this was released in other countries prior to the US, which would be highly unusual for a film like this. Yet, I can’t find any info online corroborating this theory or rumor. Ah well.
This was my first Jason film in the theater, and yes, I saw it with Amanda. I only really remember 2 scenes from this film. I did feel that this was too harshly criticized. I remember having fun watching this in the theater and at home. Let’s hope that I walk away from this feeling the same. I got a box of Sweet Tarts that I can’t possibly finish, but they will keep me company for the next 90 minutes.
Start Film
I think I preferred the intro to Jason Goes To Hell, but these are two very different films. This has the distinct 2000s horror aesthetic. Hold up, Crystal Lake Research Laboratory? Okay. Jason is all chained up. Kane looks kinda sad.
Why does everybody insist on talking shit to Jason? This doctor (played by the great David Cronenberg) wants to research Jason’s regenerative ability. I’d enjoy Jason vs Wolverine. That has to have been done at some point, right? Hahaha, the little security group finds that Jason is loose and he has quickly dispatched of 6 guys, I think. And how did Jason teleport behind this lady and allow her to live? Jason, don’t trust this mischievous bitch. She opens a door to some cryostasis room. He’s curious. She shoots him repeatedly with a shotty and pushes him into cryo. Before he is fully frozen, he stabs through the door with the machete. Bitch, you deserved that. Shame, she was cute.
I need to quote Wikipedia for this next bit because it’s incredible. “445 years later, Earth has become too polluted to support life and humans have moved to a new planet, Earth Two. On a field trip to Earth, Professor Brandon Lowe, his android companion KM-14, intern Adrienne Thomas, and students Tsunaron, Janessa, Azrael, Kinsa, Waylander, and Stoney explore the abandoned Crystal Lake Research Facility, finding the frozen Jason and Rowan. They bring them aboard their spaceship, the Grendel, and revive Rowan while leaving Jason in the morgue, believing him dead.” Oh, hockey was outlawed in 2024. Azreal is the dumb kid with long hair. Kay-Em 14 is an android. Azreal just disturbed the frozen Jason and got his arm cut off. He deserved it.
Now we go from students and a teacher to space marines. We have already met the hard-ass female space marine that takes everything too seriously. She’ll die, rest assured. Kinsa appears to be the slut of the film. Adrienne could be too. This film has a lot of potential. Janessa is another strong candidate. I really am not sure who to guess. I know of the one scene later, but one of these also has to show the good, right? Waylander is a black student and there is a black sergeant, Brodski. So we have good candidates there for a strong black role. I’m already excited.
They are undressing Rowan, the girl that put Jason in cryo. Shame they didn’t go further. The Professor, Lowe, is playing his role pretty well at the moment. Adrienne is stuck doing an optical cortex scan of Jason’s eye. Rowan is now awake and terrified of Jason. The professor promises her that she will be safe and fine. Good luck with that. I like this Deter Perez guy. Great voice and great attitude. I think it was Janessa who walks in and is definitely flirtatious to her teacher.
Adrienne is stuck with such a shitty task on her own. She removes his mask briefly. Janessa and Lowe are into some kinky shit. Good on him. Kay-Em wants to get fake nipples. Now that’s Stoney and Kinsa fucking around. Jason is coming back to life, but they keep distracting us with sex. It’s a great ploy. Jason sits up. Adrienne is unaware. Poor Adrienne. Jason almost ripped her top off. He then submerged her face into liquid nitrogen and then smashed her frozen face, which isn’t practical, per Mythbusters. Think about that. Oh, and Jason has a badass blade.
Lowe takes some time to chat with Rowan. Lowe says that they finally executed Jason in 2008. So they froze him. Janessa is flirting with Tsunaron. I’m calling him Tsun. Lowe is now meeting the crew. Rowan suggests that they get rid of Jason and Lowe is like, nope, he’s too valuable. Sgt Brodski is pissed now that Jason is on the loose. Stoney got machete’d. Lowe, you probably shouldn’t be questioning Brodski.
Time for half the space marines to die in hilarious ways. Dallas and Azreal are having some alien-fighting simulation and Jason interrupts. Azreal got split down the middle and Dallas got his head chopped off, but only in-game. Now Jason picks up Azreal. He backbreaks him to death. Dallas gets his wig pushed in and dies. Lowe is trying to buy off Brodski to not kill Jason. Oh a BFG. These guns look so dumb. Like children’s toys, but with a flashlight. I don’t think there is the prerequisite macho tough black female marine. That’s a shame.
Jason goes to attack Crutch, but Brodski and 2 others mow down Jason with gunfire. I wish Bill Paxton was involved. Jason cracks one marine’s neck. That was almost too stealthy. Condor puts up a good fight but he is thrown onto a big drill. Rowan is trying to say that this isn’t going to work. Lowe is dismissive. Geko was potentially a non-white race, and she’s dead, my mistake. This guy thinks that he is Johnny Badass. Yeah, he is cut in half. Briggs is also dead. Brodski is the last marine. This is when you bail and hope for the best. Jason puts 2 blades or spikes through Brodski. So the marines are finished? The students have a much better chance of surviving, along with Crutch. Lou is definitely my favorite character as of now. Annnnnd now he’s dead.
Lowe thinks that 60 highly trained professionals can take out Jason, but without a pilot, good luck with that. Oh, this looks horrible. Well, they just ruined 25% of Solaris. Okay, maybe all of Solaris. Yup, it’s gone. Does Jason get to count all of them for his kill count? Lowe is insisting that they will be safe. I believe him.
Jason just entered the room like a wrecking ball. This is great and terrible. Lowe didn’t flee with the students. Lowe was happy to give Jason back his old machete. The students are going to the shuttle. Now everybody is splitting up intelligently. Kay-Em gives them a 12% survival probability? Too many females are still alive, and most are useless, aside from Rowan and Kay-Em. Oh, further splitting up. Shop smart, shop S Mart.
Rowan finds Bronski and he’s still alive. Crutch just talked about the Microsoft conflict. That was a good line. Crutch is gonna pilot. Way is gonna head back to help Rowan move Brodski. Awww, Cructh has been shocked severely. Kinsa has locked Janessa, Rowan, and Way out. Kindsa is gonna make a break for it, but the fuel lines are still attached. She just blew herself up. And now Jason finds the 3 people. Tsun comes from behind with a badass Day-Em. Jason just threw his machete at her. But she rises up and shoots him. Oh, she can do flippy shit. Is she Kristin from Nightmare on Elm Street 3?? She is too cocky, like the Wizard master nerd in Nightmare 3. Jason gets the upper hands. Brodski with the distraction. She shoots off one of his arms. Now one of his legs. She puts a huge hole in his side and then in his head. 2 of the final 6 are black dudes!!! I’m excited. Could one actually survive?
Tsun is repairing Brodski. Okay, so the idea is to explode walkways to detach a pontoon and survive until TIAMAT gets there. Some electric shit is happening with Jason. Janessa is teaming up with Way. Oh, the repair ants are approaching Jason. Tsun and Kay-Em are teaming up. Everybody is back together….but there’s UBER Jason!!! Well, you’re all fucked. Kay-Em, you can’t do shit to him.
Jason knocks Kay-Em’s head off. Way is getting fucked up but he is gonna detonate the charges. Okay, down to only one black dude, but he has a 25% chance. Janessa is as good as dead and Tsen is probably useless. So I give him a 50% chance. Kay-Em’s head can still talk. TIAMAT is there now. Jason punches through the door. Janessa is F’d in the A. The pressure is too much, most likely. Rowan almost has Janessa’s hand, but she lets go and is pulled through a tiny grate. Nice. Okay, Tsun, I think it’s your turn to die. Brodski, don’t be a hero, just survive.
TIAMAT is there but the escape doors won’t open due to lack of power. This buys Jason time. Brodski is going onside to jump some cables to provide power. They need a diversion. Jason is one room away, I think. Now time for everybody’s favorite scene. Jason is in a simulation of the camp. Even watching this for the first time, I was excited. But I didn’t know just how awesome this would be. There are 2 sexy girls and they get topless. They love premarital sex. I adore them. Jason is decimating the girls in their sleeping bags. The door is open. The simulation is over. Tsun and Rowan are crossing to TIAMAT. Tsun wants to go back for Kay-Em, but Rowan goes instead. Jason approaches the doors and Brodski closes the hatch. Brodski and Jason approach each other and the ship explodes. Jason got flung toward them, but Bronski somehow intercepts him from an entirely different direction. Explain that one to me. Tsun and technically Kay-Em survived. Brodski is basically riding Jason into the atmosphere of a planet. A couple by the lake think it’s a shooting star. It landed in the lake. It’s Jason’s mask.
End Film
This isn’t that bad. It is pretty well-paced. There are too many people to get to develop any characters, but is that a bad thing in this instance? Did you watch the movie for character build or for a large body count? Right. This movie was exactly what it said it was going to be. Not that that is a great film. But it’s Jason in the future in space.
I read that the casting director was embarrassed to have to cast the 2 girls for the simulation scene. Why? You are giving beautiful women an opportunity to gain exposure. Nudity isn’t that big of a deal. I fully support those ladies and hope that they went on to have happy lives and successful careers.
Uber Jason was pretty cool. The thing was, it felt unnecessary, but in the coolest way possible. Some of the deaths were really solid. Janessa’s and Adrienne’s stand out to me. I wouldn’t be opposed to them continuing on from here with an Uber Jason film on the planet that his mask landed in. How bad could it really be?
Final Rating – 6.0 – I can argue to lower it due to stupid plot and space marines but I can also increase it due to creative kills, the simulation scene, and Uber Jason. This seems like a fair score.
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