I vaguely remember watching Joy Ride 3 once. I can’t remember if I liked it. I’m about to find out though. I have some apple slices and caramel dip. Ken Kirzinger is now playing Rusty Nail, and he is most famous for portraying Jason Voorhees in Freddy Vs Jason. This film was actually nominated for an award for best stunt performance. Cool. Let’s see what we have here.
Start Film
Some nude chick smoking crystal meth and has sex with a guy in a motel room. Jesus, she is obnoxious and demanding. Not worth it. Her name is Candy. She wants another bump, but no more. Time to call on a lonely trucker. Of course, Rusty responds. I think Candy’s guy is named Rob. The plan is to rob him….with Rob. Great plan. I think that the writers hoped to keep viewers with nudity. Candy is pretty, but an idiot. Rusty knocks at the door at tosses Rob.
The next thing we see is Rob and Candy chained to the front of the truck. The chain is attached to the U joint under the truck. They have to keep up on the front of the truck for just one mile. If they succeed, they get a bag of crystal meth. If they don’t stay on the front of the truck, both will get dragged under. When did Rusty become Jigsaw? Candy won’t be the one to fuck this up, right? I have faith in her. Candy is slipping, False finish. Hey, they made it the mile. Well, Candy sees the crystal and is more worried about that, but the truck hasn’t stopped moving. You know how this goes.
I like the song “Six Days On The Road”. I feel that they could have done more with truck driving songs in these films. Just saying.
Alisa is a brunette, Jewel is the blonde. We have 4 guys: Austin, Jordan, Mickey, and Bobby. I wish it was Ricky and Bobby. They are part of a racing team. The girls in racing skanky outfits. I think Jordan and Jewel are a couple and he and Austin are the drives of the team. Mickey is the mechanic. Bobby is a groupie, per Wikipedia.
Cops are on the scene where Candy and Rob’s bodies are. They think it could be coyotes. Really? The young guy thinks that they were dragged, but the grizzled vet just wants this to be wrapped up quickly.
I think this group is already more likable than the one in Joy Ride 2. They stop at a truck stop for lunch. The waitress has zero fucks to give. Bobby makes a Pee-Wee Herman reference. Hey, they found a shortcut on the map that will shave a day off of their trip. They should definitely do it. They ask a trucker about Route 17, and he repeatedly warns them not to take it. That’s where the remains of Candy and Rob are. The trucker is named Barry and he’s awesome and very high strung. Barry warns that there is an electric dead zone out there. He also blames aliens and the NSA. He’s awesome. He warns them of the drug runners on Slaughter Alley. They couldn’t get Randy Quaid for this role? Nope, because this guy owned it. The actor’s name is David Ferry. Oh yeah, the decision is made to take the shortcut to Canada. Once they get there, it will be easy because as we all know, there’s only one road in Canada.
Time to test the racecar on the open highway. Smart. I can’t imagine normal racing teams do this, but I truly have no idea. They just passed Rusty Nail. Now they do a 180 to catch up to the other guys. Are they going to aggressively pass Rusty to be dicks? First, they get really close and then pass him and startle Rusty. Everybody thinks that Austin is a douche. Austin or Bobby will probably be the first one dead. They catch up to Mickey Bobby and Rusty is right on their ass. Alisa asks what the trucker’s problem is. Really? Now he’s an asshole. Oh, they want to pass him and teach him a lesson. So dumb. Just let him keep driving. Who cares? Racecar makes the pass, but Ricky Bobby isn’t so fortunate. Rusty nailed their trailer. Then a car comes the other way and Rusty has to swerve. That was so dumb.
Rusty was recording the whole thing, so he has the license plate and he looks them up. The girls want to call in the incident, the guys don’t. Jordan knows what he’s doing. Rusty contacts them on the CB. Rusty tells them that they aren’t going to make it to the race.
I had the choice between sleep or starting this dumb movie. I opted for this dumb movie. They stop to get gas at night and the guy at the gas station is a perv. Nice. Jewel flips out on everyone, she is going to the police and fuck Jordan. Austin and Jewel leave in the other vehicle. Oh, the GPS is out on the race car. Shocking. Austin and Jewel have a flat tire, fix it, and now Jewel insists on driving. Great.
Rusty crept up behind them without his lights on. And now she is panicking. “Austin do something!” Do you mean like let a calm guy drive but you were too full of yourself you worthless skank? Great, she flipped the vehicle with help of Rusty because she couldn’t just be a passenger. This is why I am against a female president, for the record. Gotta keep your cool in the midst of dangerous situations. Rusty puts them both in his trailer. Why is he hauling nothing?
Rusty asks Austin if he’s a religious man and gets him close to a spinning fan. He puts his left hand in the fan. Then his right hand. Good, you had that coming shithead. Oh, then Austin’s face. I wish he would have done that to Jewel too. Jordan and crew can’t contact Jewel and Austin thanks to the dead zone. Rusty contacts Jordan. He lets Jordan know that he has Jewel and Austin. Rusty wants the race car in exchange for Jewel and Austin. And they need to be there in an hour and it’s 100 miles away….exactly. Not 90, nope, exactly 100. Officer Williams finds the wreckage from a few minutes ago. He also requests Jenkins to come out there. I truly hate Jewel.
Jordan wants to formulate a plan. And then they don’t come up with a plan, at least on screen. Mickey and Bobby are gonna approach from the sides, Jordan up the middle, and Alisa in the car. Jordan trying to act like a tough guy is hilariously bad. The dialogue is really mediocre at times. Mickey Bobby thinks they are gonna outsmart Rusty on his home court. Bitch peas!!! Alisa doesn’t stay in the car. Smart! I hope everybody dies.
The tension is palpable and slow as fuck. Bobby is knocked out. They needed a better actor for Jordan’s role because he just isn’t doing it for me. Alisa almost gets brained by Mickey for scaring him. Rusty tries to run over Jordan after the distraction. And now the plan is to chase Rusty while shitty rock music plays. Rusty almost hits the cop car. The cop sees a trail of blood and it is coming out the back of the trailer. Hoss, you should just call for backup. He handcuffs Rusty. There’s fresh meat in the trailer. Jordan finds another Officer, Jenkins, I think. So now they’re gonna follow the officer. So the truck driver that Williams has isn’t Rusty Nail and this guy picked up a rogue load to help out a broken-down truck driver. Jenkins’ car just gets smashed in half by Rusty who happened to be there at the perfect time because he’s psychic.
Rusty now wants more than a car because Jordan broke the rules. Jewel is back to making noise. Cut her tongue out. Hahaha, Bobby is covered in those traffic spikes and chains. Rusty attaches the chains to a winch and pulling the chains through Bobby. That is a great kill. Arguably the best kill of the franchise. Rusty wants Jordan to pay for what he did. If Jordan turns himself over, he will give them Jewel and Austin. Why is Jewel not telling them about Austin being dead? Mickey gets out of the car and insists that Alisa and he go to the police. He doesn’t see the point in all of them dying. He’s right. She’s an idiot so she stays with Jordan. Mickey says that he will kill Jordan if anything happens to Alisa. A truck approaches Mickey, and he thinks it is a good idea to try to get their attention. REALLY? It’s nighttime and you can’t tell who it is driving. Please, kill them all. Mickey has been abducted by Rusty, presumably. Williams finds Jenkins’ wreck.
Mickey has his head between a car jack and the metal step on the back of the trailer. Oh man, this is good too. 3 pumps and Mickey is dead. Rusty drives off and sets Mickey on fire. Oh my god, roadblocks for the next___ miles. How many, you ask? 100. Fucking amateur hour here.
Jordan and Alisa are at the meeting spot. Wow, my head hurts after what I just heard. Jordan tells her to go and take the car now and go get help. She doesn’t want to leave him alone. That isn’t the fucking problem! In theory, you’re there to rescue Jewel and Austin. How the fuck are they supposed to get away if this arrangement goes awry? Especially Austin! Such a terrible plan. Is Jordan secretly working with Rusty? That’s an honest question if you consider his actions throughout this film.
Jordan thinks that yelling at Rusty will make things better. Jordan tosses the radio out of frustration. Super helpful. Then he hears Jewel screaming. Rusty has Jewel in a car hanging above a car crusher. He lowers the car and Jordan goes after Rusty instead of trying to save his girlfriend, you know, the whole fucking reason that he’s there. He charges at Rusty, but Rusty gives him a big back body drop out of 1980’s pro wrestling and he then claims that he learned that from a hockey ninja. God bless you, Rusty Nail.
Rusty dominates the fight with his strength, speed, and reach advantage, plus the will to destroy morons. He punches him to oblivion. Rusty picks up a wrench, gets hit by Alisa driving the race car. Christ, so Alisa was the most useful one? They stop the crusher, but it’s just a recording of Jewel somewhere else. What a tweest!!!
Jewel is tied up standing vertically on the top of the big rig. Rusty is driving. Is this present time? Why else would we be able to see this? How did Rusty scurry away? But how is that camera showing in real-time at that angle? Also, Jewel just got beheaded by a bridge. I am going to replay that moment a couple of times. I may jerk off to it, I don’t know. I’m elated to see that bitch die. Truly a thing of beauty. I am just so happy. So now it is Jordan and Alisa vs. Rusty. Jewel’s death was pre-recorded…..maybe. But then how come we got to see what he said? Rusty just rammed the back of the car into a wall.
I just had to remind. Jordan clearly looks around, there’s no truck. 6 or 7 seconds later there’s the truck. Come the fuck on! Alisa’s leg is injured now. Jordan wants them to get out, but Alisa’s leg is stuck. Jordan gets into a crane. Oh, this is so bad. He lowers it through Rusty’s windshield. Rusty can’t get out. He picks up the truck and drops it and talks shit. He picks it up again and plans to lower it into the crusher. He lowers the crane again, without crushing the truck. Oh, a thunderstorm now too, just because they did that in Joy Ride 2 as well. Alisa is walking perfectly fine now. Oh, and there are the sirens. How did they know where to go? Nobody contacted them.
Williams talks to Jordan and Alisa about Rusty. They need to identify a body. Mickey’s body, apparently. Wait, is nobody wondering where Austin is? According to an investigator, nobody could have survived the truck damage. Except, there’s no body in the truck. Williams proclaims that he’s still out there. We see Rusty hitchhike and get a ride from a fellow trucker. Rusty takes off his coat and tosses it to the ground. He gets in and tells the guy that his name is Rusty Nail.
End Film
God damnit. Was this poorly written or did producers or the studio fuck with this too much into the pile of shit that I just saw? Seriously, to keep including Austin’s name in this during the communication the whole time and then ignore his existence at the end was fucking awful. And there was very little payoff with the Jewel situation. And the video of her death, and being able to see and hear Rusty talk, but it was in the past and the way it was presented…..did nobody think this through???
I’m sorry for shitting on this film so harshly, but it’s not like there’s just one big gaping hole, there are 2……just like (insert your favorite female porn star’s name). Worst of all, I just paid $5 for this and $5 for part 2. I got ripped off.
The positives of this film are small, but they exist. Ken Kerzinger tries to do a good job but isn’t as good as Rusty in previous installments, but still enjoyable. The opening song was good. Most of the deaths were good because they tried emulating a Saw style, it felt like. But it felt like Joy Ride was such a distant memory. I felt it strayed a bit far in hopes of capitalizing on what they thought was cool.
Final Rating – 3.1 – Joy Ride 3 was watchable but incredibly irritating. Add in the 2 huge gaps in storytelling and logic, and then add in the opening scene nudity, and you have a 3.1. I can watch so much porn for free now that tits and ass are no longer a guaranteed point. Plus nudity matters so much more if it’s one of the main actresses and not an actress just there for an opening scene. All of this shit matters.
I am looking up the director and writer, Declan O’Brien. Sure enough, we wrote and directed Wrong Turn 4 and 5. Part 4 is one of the worst films that I have ever seen. He also directed The Marine 3 and 4. I’m sure that he may try hard or have good intentions, but per the results of what I have seen, I can safely suggest avoiding this man’s work. He hasn’t done much since 2015, per IMDB, and that makes all the sense in the world. Props for the cool kill scenes though.
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