Oh no, another comedy horror. I’m scared.
The Motel’s name is Motel Hello with the O on the neon sign flickering. This old man witnesses a couple fall off a motorcycle at night. So he goes, checks on the man, Boris, loads him in the back of pickup. He sees the girl, Terry, who was just squirming, she’s alive. He gets back to the motel, and some lady is singing some country song in some awful pink outfit, and it was very funny. Good sense of humor so far. Her name is Ida, and old man is named Vince.
OK, so we have this couple has 2 girls who are playing, and Vince is selling his meat. The girls get scared as they end up in the slaughterhouse, and they run outside screaming to the station wagon, because they are in a lot of horror flicks. Vince says that he knows how to calm them down, and he scares the hell out of them, and shuts them up. It was funny. Vince has this secret little hiding room along the hedges. I liked that.
A Sheriff comes in and Ida jumps on him, it was funny. Terry, the girl from the motorcycle, awake and asks about Boris, but he is dead already, and buried according to Vince. The sheriff is Vince’s younger brother’s name is Bruce Smith. Buffalo Bills fans should be pleased. They take Terry to Boris’ grave. In this county, under odd circumstances, he was allowed to buy the dead. Vince wants to keep Terry around if possible.
Bob stops by for a spot check, he is like an inspector for the pigs and maybe food. He also could be a veterinarian. Vince startles Bob, and tells him to inspect some of hooves as they may be infected. Bob bounces. Vince checks on Terry and she is all sad about Boris. Vince gives her a pep talk, and Terry feels good now and thankful that they saved her life. Bob returns at night sneaking around where Vince has the hiding spot. He finds something making noise and moving under a sack. It’s a head buried in the ground. It may be Boris. There appears to be more sacks. Vince just knocked out Bob.
We see a van with the band, Ivan and the Terribles. Oh my, they are jamming out. Vince is outside setting bear traps on the road. Well, this causes the van to crash and flip. Vince is there and sprays some gas in there to knock them out. Ida asks him how the traps are working out, and Vince likes to be creative with his sinister traps. He has a surprise for her, yes, it’s the band, and Ida is thrilled.
Ida goes in the secret garden, it looks cool at night when it’s lit up. She checks on one of the heads. We see that she has removed his vocal chords, henceforth the noise. Ohhh, the surprise is actually Bob. Ida jokes about him dropping in. We see Vince and how he loosens the soil and Ida brings the band. The band is ready to be planted. This is silly, but fun. “It takes all kinds of critters to make farmer Vincent’s fritters.” Haha. They inject the band in the throats with something. It’s time to slit the chords.
Vince and Ida are eating with Terry and Bruce, and she asks about his meats that he makes. He talks about how granny wanted the dog to shut up, so Vince smoked it and granny loved it. “Meats meat, and a man’s gotta eat.” Ida almost tells Terry the secret and Vince punches her in the gut, so Bruce takes Terry for a rowboat ride. Terry looks good here. Bruce invites her to a drive in. Awesome.
We see that they feed their plants with funneled snorkels. At the drive in, Bruce clears out most of the cars by turning on the lights and using his megaphone, and there is a chick who gets out, fully nude; boobs, bush, and booty. Yay. So now they are alone up top, they get out their binoculars and enjoy.
2 Harlots are driving, I think they are hookers. It’s at night, and suddenly they see Cows in the road. Suzi and Debbie are their names. Hey, we got a token. YAY. Suzi is the black girl, Debbie is the scared white bitch. Time to go out move the cows. Vince smothers her face and knocks her out and Debbie drives away scared. Bruce puts some moves on Terry, goes for the over the shoulder boob grab. She asks him to stop, so he goes to kiss her and she flips out. The sheriff hears Debbie screaming on the radio. Vince is trying to run her off the road. He keeps tapping that car’s ass. Debbie gives up so Vince just pushes her car in the pond before Bruce can make it. Terry sees a vehicle driving, but the car is stuck. Bruce gets out to push, and ends up face down in the muck.
Ida and Vince are working on the garden, and she forgot to turn off the No Vacancy sign. Guy and Edith are looking for a room. Guy is a funny dude. Bruce and Terry come in, ask if they heard the lady on the radio, and Ida says that it was just kids pranking. Guy and Edith are swingers, oh man. Guy is the best. Edith is working with a whip and making a mess. Just destroying the place. Oh man, what the fuck is guy wearing? They hope that they are into animals. Vincent and Ida come in with ropes, and they think they are into bondage. Now they knock them out with some gas.
Ida and Terry in the water, and holy nipples under a wet white shirt Batman! Ida tries drowning Terry out of jealousy. Terry puts the moves on Vince, and bare bobs. Vince says that he can’t, they would have to be married first. Oh, Sheriff is looking at a nudie mag. So I count 3. The Reverend is Wolfman Jack!!!!!!!! Awesome. Oh, and Bruce is pissed about Vince wanting to marry Terry. More Terry tits!!! Terry is hilarious. Vincent pulls a shotgun on Terry, and then literally kicks his ass. Awesome.
This hypnosis scene is fantastic. He hypnotized the guys from the band and snapped all 3 of their necks with nooses and a tractor. Hey then pulled them out of the ground, I assume for meat processing.
Everything is going bad. All the pets/plants are free and they are after Ida. Ida takes them on for a bit, but falls victim. Terry and Bruce were going to escape after Bruce made some connections, but they get caught. Vince shows Terry how the meat is done, and she is disgusted. Terry tries to escape, so Vince has to gas her. I believe it is Boris who comes to make the save for Terry, so him and Vince have a hoss fight. Vince strangles him and dumps him out of the slaughter room. Bruce is finally away, he’s got a shotty and is looking for Terry. He finds Terry, and Vince comes out wielding a chainsaw and wearing a pig’s head for a mask. The view can’t be great. Bruce and Vince in a chainsaw battle.
The belt has started, and Terry is on there, and a saw cutter thingy is gonna kill her, but this chainsaw fight is like Luke vs Vader, only shittier. Vince gets cut bad. HAHAHA, Terry comes swinging in on a meat hook. Bruce saves Terry. Bruce goes to check on his brother who has a chainsaw embedded in his side. Vince tells Bruce that he can hotel, and about the garden and to take care of his animals. Haha, Vince says he’s the biggest hypocrite of all: “I…I used preservatives.” Vince dies, and then they hear a scream. They find the secret garden and Ida is planted upside down. Please have these 2 take over the business. Terry wants to burn the place because it’s “an evil motel”.
End film.
This film worked well for me surprisingly. A tab bit on the long side, shave off 15-20 minutes and this could have been better I believe. It was funny, witty, had a cool idea. I came in expecting to walk away disappointed, but this was a very pleasant surprise. It had a funny Texas Chainsaw Massacre feel to it in some ways.
Final rating: 6.5 Pretty decent film with some laughs, some gore, and great characters. Vince is one of my favorites so far this month.