A modern-day horror classic that unfortunately flew entirely under the radar, and yet it’s just as good as Shaun of the Dead is many ways. Oh, I know, you all have a hard-on for Shaun, I do too. Who doesn’t love “Don’t Stop Me Now”? Let me make my argument.
Nathan Fillion
Elizabeth Banks
Michael “Merle” Rooker
Jenna Fischer
Rob Zombie’s voice
Lloyd Kaufman
Yeah, eat your heart out Simon Pegg. Rooker is in impeccable shape, and he is with Elizabeth Banks’ hot ass. He flicks her nipples. That alone is worth one point because that is a Kent tactic if I ever saw one. Flick those tits if the girl ain’t putting out. You may as well piss them off if you can’t get some loving. Holy fuck, Rooker looks eerily like Bryan Cranston in Breaking Bad while he is sitting in the bar. he was Heisenberg!
Rooker gets this hot chick’s attention at the bar, and she is ready to go. Damn, he is a fucking piece of man meat that drives the girls wild. After saying he couldn’t fuck this chick in the middle of the woods and noticing her initials were BM and some jokes, he follows this slimy trail. It leads to this slimy thing that shoots a small thing into Rooker which works its way into his brain stem. Rooker’s character’s name is Grant Grant. Clever, I’ll grant them that. OK, I’ll leave the humor to the professionals, and whoever decided to give fat white guys small cocks because we don’t have enough self-esteem issues. I mean, really? I’m slightly tired, so expect many random lewd things said that have nothing to do with anything.
Rooker is home, and he finds Banks, who’s character’s name is Starla, she is getting out of her robe and she is trying to make it up to him after not putting out. She has such a unique classic beauty. Very underrated. Air Supply’s “Every Woman In the World” is playing and it worked really well. Rooker is going grocery shopping and he is hungry and in need of meat. He buys 8, no 10, no 14 ribeye steaks. Well, he has filled the back of his pickup with meat. I am beyond jealous. I am getting the meat sweats just thinking about it. Rooker is not looking well. this parasite thing is hurting him. Bank’s getting in the shower. Come on, give us some skin. Nope, the sliding glass door is all steamed up. Fuckers!!!! Rooker has tentacles coming out, and no, I ain’t referring to that one. My jokes are getting so bad.
There’s Nathan at a bar where these people are doing some line dancing. I don’t get the appeal of that. There’s BM watching a Lloyd Kaufman film. I’m happy, and Rooker is paying her a visit. Fillion is macking on Banks. I don’t know why Nathan isn’t one of Hollywood’s top 10-20 leading men. It perplexes me. He’s got a great look, voice, and charisma. I don’t get it. If you haven’t seen Firefly, go buy it, and watch it, and then show it to your friends, also the movie Serenity. Rooker is impregnating BM in his own alien-like way. She has some nice looking boobs, wish the bra was off. Gone all damn day with no boobs, and this is the 6th movie. The fuck?
Rooker….you look so bad man. Sores and bulges on his head. I am starting to legitimately wonder if this movie served as an inspiration for Breaking Bad. Rooker has BM chained up in a barn in the woods and feeding her meat. Banks found some fucked up shit in her basement, lots of dead animals. Rooker is all kinds of pissed, and looking grotesque. Rooker’s arm is now something like a mix between Stretch Armstrong and Mr. Fantastic. As he is choking out Banks, the police show up to run off Rooker.
According to the mayor, you get Lyme disease by touching deer excrement and then eating a sandwich. Holy shit, too funny. There’s Jenna. There’s Lloyd. Happy happy joy joy. I miss when The Office was my favorite TV show. I am noticing a lot of these people are in a film called Super directed by the same guy and Rainn Wilson is in it, along with Liv Tyler, but I am intrigued.
While the cops and Mayor and Starla are doing a stakeout at a farm at night, they spot Rooker. Old guy comments “Looks like something that fell off my dick in the war.” That is tremendous. Rooker led everybody to the barn where BM is this huge mass. And she explodes launching all the parasites out. It was kinda funny. Here’s our bathtub scene. This young lady, teen perhaps, or early 20’s, she relaxing and the parasites attack. We see brief nipple, and as the thing enters her mouth, she sees like the history of the Parasite’s world and everything leading up it. Her family has been attacked. Her 2 younger sisters were reading R.L. Stein’s Goosebumps. Always cool. Well, the family gets got minus this young lass.
I have to stop doing play by play. I get too wrapped up sometime.
This movie gets truly silly, but it’s not like it was very serious, to begin with. It went the direction that it had to go in. One of my favorite bits is when Fillion is called Jenna at the police station and she is simply nodding, and he asks her if she is nodding instead of saying anything. It was very funny. There was a lot going on, but nothing complicated.
In conclusion, I may still like Shaun of the Dead more, but both are very nearly neck and neck in so many aspects. While Fillion and Banks were great leads, the person who stole the show is Michael Rooker. His performance alone is worth 2 full points. I can’t undoubtedly say that every single person would like this film, that’s just not accurate. But if you like zombie type movies with some gross-out humor, some very solid acting, and some over the top silliness, you could find much worse ways to spend 90 minutes. I’m giving this a 6.3. Try it, and if you aren’t sold within 30 minutes, well worse case, you just wasted the time of a sitcom. I do suggest it if you haven’t seen it.
Final Rating: 6.3
All the pictures used in this blog are for review purposes. They are the property of:
- Gold Circle Films (presents)
- Strike Entertainment (in association with)
- Brightlight Pictures
- Slither Productions (uncredited)
Please go find a copy and support the creators.