I don’t know how much longer this website will be around and Star Wars has always been something I wanted to do. I get lazy. I don’t want to sit through all the movies. It starts with good intentions but quickly devolves. I wonder how much I will second guess myself. With all due respect to the other film franchises, the original trilogy is the standard, and NOTHING has surpassed up as of May 3, 2021. Not your precious Lord of the Rings, not Indiana Jones, not the pre sequel or the sequels, none of my beloved horror franchises, none! You can think I am wrong, but stop it, you’re embarrassing yourself.
Let me make a few things clear. I’m not here to quote the films non-stop. There are people out there that do it too much, and you know who you are. How many of you have been getting the most famous quote from the franchise wrong after all these years? I bet a lot of you have, and I will delve into it when I get to Episode V. I could try really hard to be super thorough, but there are plenty of sites that have done that, way better than I could. I’m just going to do this my way, for better or worse.
I am not doing this in chronological order as far as release dates are concerned. Most likely I will do Episodes 1-IX and then maybe hit the 2 standalone films after if I am not entirely burned out by then. I’ve actually refused to watch the prequels before the originals, but in this situation, it makes sense. Plus, once I get the taste of ass out of my mouth, I can be treated to something good. Time to lose at least 2 days of my life to this wonderful franchise.
Start Film
Has a movie ever had more hype and excitement around it than this one? I don’t think so. The expectations were impossibly high. I don’t think that there was any possible way to please everyone. George RR Martin is currently facing this exact problem with his books. But dude, the TV series failed so badly at the end, you have the ability to right all the wrongs if you so choose. Lucas didn’t have such an escape clause. In some ways, this may have been the smart choice. Take this one on the chin and try to improve from here. I don’t know.
What was nice is that back in 1999, it was so much easier to avoid spoilers. And to all the scumbags that decide to post spoilers online, go eat a huge sack of dicks. Just hearing the music and seeing the words scrolling gets me a little tingly. I didn’t even read the words. I saw taxation, I think.
We’re starting off with Qui-Gon Jinn (Liam Neeson) and Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor) boarding a ship as ambassadors. I still find Liam to be a bit of an odd choice, but I like him in this. At the time, I had never seen Darkman or The Dead Pool, so I only knew him from Schindler’s List and Les Miserables which wasn’t bad at all. Good solid cast, but the more recent one with Hugh Jackman and Russell Crowe was superior. And in the same year, he did that terrible The Haunting remake with Catherine Zeta-Jones and Owen Wilson. Huh, I saw two Liam Neeson films in the theater in the same year. I bet that won’t happen again. As for Ewan, prior to this, I knew him for Trainspotting and a mediocre episode of Tales From the Crypt’s terrible final season. He would go to do great films like Black Hawk Down, Doctor Sleep, and my favorite, Big Fish. Overall, interesting, but good casting.
Ewan’s hair looks dumb. Liam’s looks better. Viceroy needs to talk to Lord Sidious, who we all knew to be Palpatine, well anyone who was familiar with the OG films. Time for the droids to kill the Jedi’s and end this film….right? They could have at least given the droids some red shirts. Although the head of this ship has a red cape, so I will accept that. Qui-Gon has the green lightsabre and Obi-Wan has the blue one. These destroyer droids are pretty solid.
Queen Amidala, AKA Padme, AKA Panda Bear, AKA Natalie Portman, I may call her all 4 names at various points in these reviews. Just know one thing. She was probably 16 or 17 at this point, so not gonna be a pervert. But her whole attire is absolutely ridiculous. Just terrible, but very regal, but not William Regal. She’s all pissy with Viceroy. Ohhh, and talk of the Senate. Do you know when I first started hating politics? It was long before hate for Trump, Obama, or Bush. Nope, it was these F’N prequels and their quest to dwell on this shit. Also, I’m convinced that Sophie Turner was told to just watch Portman’s performance to prepare for her character for Game of Throne. Seriously, they have a similar tone, look, and tempo.
The Jedis landed on a planet on some ships and Qui-Gon meets Jar Jar Binks. What can I say about Jar Jar that hasn’t been said before? I think kids liked him. I think people my age couldn’t handle something so aimed at children that they revolted, myself included. I’m 40 now. I don’t give a fuck. I don’t like Jar Jar, but I get his inclusion. I’m not going to be so far up my own ass that I have to think that this movie has to be only for me and people my age. Too many selfish fuckeroos out there. When we were kids, a lot of us liked Ewoks, so who gives a shit? I had not one, but 2 Ewok village playsets. And you know what? They were fucking awesome! So maybe some kid had a Jar Jar Binks toy and to them, it was fucking awesome, but you were too busy worrying about how this was retroactively ruining your pristine childhood memories. And this is partially me yelling at my younger self. It’s important to appeal to a younger audience. If you can’t comprehend that, then I can’t help you.
Anyway, fuck Jar Jar Binks and all of his stupid shit and he really is fucking obnoxious. You know those really repetitive kid songs that your kids listen to nonstop and you want to go into a murderous rage because your kid just wants to listen to it over and over again? Yeah, that’s Jar Jar. The best way I can approach him is that he’s a necessary evil in some ways. And please, no more theories about Jar Jar being some evil saboteur disguising himself as some retarded being. Just stop trying to make him cool. He’s not cool. He’s there for kids. Great, I just gave him 2 whole paragraphs. Fuck.
Well Jar Jar was saved by Qui-Gon so now he has pledged his allegiance to Qui-Gon. Then he says Ex-squeeze me and I want to pay Mike Tyson to punch Jar Jar as hard as he can. They’re going underwater. Now the Jedi, or is it Jedis, or is it Jedi’s, anyway, they put these devices in their mouths that allow them to breathe underwater. This was 1999. Why don’t we have this shit by now?
Of course, everything looks beautiful. The films always look amazing for their time. Jar Jar Binks is an amalgamation of every Michelle Tanner joke from Full House. I enjoyed the fat ruler of Jar Jar’s people, mainly because he was fat. So Qui-Gon Jedi mind tricks his way into getting transport and Jar Jar out of there, but a big Gooberfish ain’t having that. And then a bigger monster attacked that one.
Viceroy is afraid to report the missing Jedi to Lord Sidious. I’m sure that he’d understand. The monster designs are pretty solid here. Viceroy’s forces have captured the queen, so they’re doing something right. Drink every time they say the term “Senate”. I dare you. Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan are here to make the save. Here’s a big reason why fans hate Jar Jar. You have this small action scene that is cool, but interrupted by Jar Jar making noises and being clumsy. Padme thinks that she can reason with Palpatine. I think that will work out well.
You have to give credit to these films. Most of the people on-screen are not pretty or handsome. The pilots are freed and everybody is escaping. Hey R2-D2! Qui-Gon wants to visit the Hutts. Sold!
Viceroy is apologizing to Sidious about losing the ship. Sidious tells them a Sith can track the ship, meet Darth Maul. I will go over Darth Maul later. Just know that he’s the saving grace of this film. Qui-Gon says that they’re going to Tatooine. The queen insists on sending out her handmaiden out with Qui-Gon and R2-D2. But wait, is that really her handmaiden? She looks familiar. Oh, and they’re bringing Jar Jar with them.
They go to Mos Espa and meet Watto, you’re everyday used car salesman type character. There’s a cute kid that works for Watto. That boy’s name is Anakin. One could argue that the kid is a better actor than Hayden Christiansen. Qui-Gon can’t use Jedi mind tricks on Watto because of his race….I guess. Convenient plot point, if you ask me.
Jar Jar pisses off Sebulba in the marketplace. I’m shocked. There’s a sandstorm coming so Anakin takes in the group. We get to meet his mom. Anakin really likes Panda Bear. Anakin shows off the droid that hs is building. Meet C3-PO. C3-PO and R2-D2 meet and that is obviously a momentous occasion. Darth Maul’s face paint is solid. Anakin won’t shut up about podracing. Anakin asks if Qui-Gon if he’s a Jedi and they level with Anakin and his mom. I just had to look up his mom’s name. It’s Shmi. Why? Anyway, they need money and you get money from gambling on podracing and Anakin has been building a podracer. You can imagine where this is going. You know what, she looks like a Shmi. Shmi doesn’t want Anakin to race, but she’s gonna allow it, like a judge in a terrible courtroom film that allows absurd evidence or last-second witnesses. Qui-Gon then brokers a deal with Watto and we have this all worked out.
Shmi claims that Anakin had no father. That’s some virgin Mary level of shit right there. The kids are such dicks to Anakin. I bet he won’t ever get vengeance on a group of children in the future. The one nice kid is named Kitster. I’m doing my best to ignore Jar Jar. Shmi wants Qui-Gon to take Anakin when they leave and to train him. Qui-Gon is gonna check on Anakin’s blood. He needs a Midi-Chlorian count. And his reading is off the chart.
Okay, so this is a part that I dreaded writing about. Once again, this topic has been talked to death. You got people that hate that suddenly there is this actual rhyme and reason that is just NOW being introduced to the fans. You either like the whole magical element of some people are just born Jedi’s and you can feel their force or whatever, or you have people who like to have a name and something substantial to point to and say that is how they have proof, not just a belief. You know what? I just don’t give a fuck anymore. I didn’t need midi-chlorians in my life to explain Jedi’s. Now that I have it, it doesn’t affect me in any real way. How about I go a step further to piss off people? I think people that whine about this incessantly are more of a problem than the existence of midi-chlorians. It doesn’t affect shit. It’s a useless plot point that has very little outcome. In a film with all kinds of crazy shit, if that’s the thing you want to dwell on, be my guest, just kinda sad. If I am to accept all the space travel, the force, the hairstyles, and Wookies, then I can accept there being an actual reason or measurement for the force. But I do agree that it serves very little purpose. I wonder if this paragraph made anybody stop reading? I kinda hope so.
Darth Maul just landed in Tattooine. Yay! He is sending out some flying bots to go looking around, I guess. Sebulba is a pimp. Look at those blue bitches serve him. Oh no, I called women a bad name in 2021. Save your woke talk for someone who gives a damn. Qui-Gon also added a bet to get Anakin’s independence. Alright, it’s time for the race, and Greg Proops is one of the commentators. Why not make the other guy Ryan Stiles? Sebulba just sabotaged Anakin’s racer. And there’s Jabba the Hutt!!! You can all take Han Solo, but Jabba is definitely my favorite character.
The race starts and Anakin goes nowhere. Quadinaros is also having issues. This scene is so good that they made an N64 game out of it and it is on XBox now, as well. Maybe on other consoles or PC, I don’t know. I love the Tusken Raiders that just snipe at people and celebrate. Quadinaro’s power coupling just went bye bye. I never thought that I’d talk about that character this much. Was this the first time that they said Skywalker? I probably missed it earlier.
I have to call BS that Anakin’s racer is just that much faster than his competitor’s. Go Tusken Raiders!! They’re the highlight of the race for me. In the theater, this scene was fucking brilliant. It’s awfully convenient that Anakin has all of these mechanical problems in the wide-open where he can spend 30 seconds flipping switches with no fear of obstacles. Anakin takes out Sebulba. And the crowd goes wild. Watto is not Kentertained. Now Anakin is free. I love how Obi-Wan’s role the past 30+ minutes has been truly minimized. Shmi now learns that Anakin is free and asks Qui-Gon to take him. Anakin is just having that moment of realizing that his mom can’t come with him. Qui-Gon is definitely considering if there is time for a quickie with Shmi. Awww, Anakin is leaving C3-PO behind. Anakin promises to come back and free his mother. I feel like, with Qui-Gon’s powers, he could have gambled a little, got some cash, and freed Anakin’s mom. I know that changes the story too much, but logically, it could’ve happened.
Qui-Gon and Anakin get to the ship and Darth Maul shows up. They have a mini duel for a few seconds and then they leave on a ship with Darth Maul left standing.
I was just reading about Keira Knightley nodding off during production as one of Padme’s handmaidens. She even forgot the name of her character and apparently only saw the film once like a year after its release. I had to look up the cast for random people. Dominic West is in this too.
One of Padme’s main guys, the old dude with the beard wants her to contact him. Then we have this scene with Padme and Anakin, which may be borderline weird.
Oh man, Palpatine is waiting for them. We meet Supreme Chancellor Valorum. These names really bring me down. I’d be so happy if someone was named Bill or Fred or Kate. Sooo much politics! I wish I was drinking. Palpatine wants a vote of no confidence in Valorum. He thinks that they may have to accept Federation control for some time.
Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan meet with the Jedi council to discuss Darth Maul and the possibility of him being a Sith Lord. We get Yoda and Mace Windu, played by the always entertaining Samuel L. Nobody is buying into this Sith theory. Qui-Gon tells them about Anakin and wants to train him. They talk of the prophecy that there will be one to bring balance to the Force. Anakin goes to say goodbye to Padme, but only gets to tell the Queen.
Oh for fuck’s sake, Senate meeting time. Padme just called for a vote of no confidence and Palpatine is doing great things. Obi-Wan warns Qui-Gon to not disobey the council. The council is testing Anakin. Anakin admits to missing his mother, and the council members are just like, this boy ain’t ready. Yoda warns that fear leads to anger which leads to hate which leads to suffering, all along the path to the dark side. But look at Anakin. How is this cute kid gonna grow up and not be a great leader of the Jedi?
Hey, Palpatine got nominated to replace Valorum. Mace Windu says no to Anakin’s training and Yoda knows that his future is clouded. Qui-Gon will take Anakin as his padawan. He says that Obi-Wan is ready for the trials. So the council shuts that shit down and says that Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan need to go with the queen back to Naboo to find out who her attacker is. Oh and Jar Jar mentioned something to Padme about how his people are a strong military force.
Obi-Wan tries talking sense into Qui-Gon, but Qui-Gon is just like, shiiiiiit, I got this. Sidious is sending Darth Maul to join Viceroy and his crew. I like how everybody keeps telling Padme that she will be forced to sign a treaty. Has nobody there heard the phrase “No means no”? Padme tells Jar Jar that she needs his help. The Gungans aren’t where they should be. They’re hiding out in some sacred place.
On a positive note, I get to see more of Boss Nass, the Gungan leader. Amidala pleads with Boss Nass for an alliance, then the real Queen, Padme steps forward and they seal the deal. Anakin’s expression was pretty good during this. Boss Nass just made Jar Jar the Bombad General. The plan is to use war as a diversion and kidnap the Viceroy. Portman’s acting is very wooden here, and I know the girl can act.
Okay, it’s time for a big war. Eat your slutty hearts out, Lord of the Rings fans. The Gungans have a solid army with a good forcefild. WHY would they bring Anakin? Shouldn’t they have left him with the Jedi council for a few days?
They bust into where the droids are guarding the ships. Anakin makes his way into a ship with R2-D2, because of course, he does. Am I the only get that gets super excited when they start showing close-ups of the pilots as they are all spouting there 3-5 word phrases?
The droids and Gungans are ready to unleash hell. The first war in Gladiator was better, but this is really good. Padme wants to find the Viceroy, but one thing stands in their way, Darth Maul. Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan are like, I got this. Well, Darth Maul pulls out his red lightsabre and then turns on the other side and he’s like, what’s up now, bitches? The Jedi know this isn’t going to be good. Meanwhile, Padme’s ragtag group has to take on 3 destroyers and Anakin tells R2 that they need to help. Anakin keeps pushing buttons and takes out the destroyers. Padme’s group just leaves and Anakin just flies away.
Meanwhile, the greatest Star Wars duel is happening. Pick another one, go ahead and be wrong. This set the bar impossibly high. They tried in the next 2 films, after that they just knew better than to try to outdo this duel.
Anakin is now with all the other pilots, naturally. If I was a child and seeing this shit, I’d be going nuts, I think. Kinda like how you felt when you watched Kevin McAllister take out the Wet Bandits in Home Alone, or The Goonies overcome the odds.
Synchronized grappling hooks was cheesy as fuck, yet satisfying. Obi-Wan is stuck behind a barrier and is to watch Darth Maul take out his trainer. Jar Jar’s part is just slapstick fighting, pretty much, but I imagine kids were laughing and enjoying it. Anakin has made it inside this big ship and the ship has overheated.
Qui-Gon is on his knees just waiting. Obi-Wan isn’t fast enough. He is still just watching. Darth Maul takes out Qui-Gon like a fucking badass. The Gungans are surrendering. Padme’s group has given up. Well, now they have the upper hand and wants a new treaty.
Obi-Wan is on the attack. We know that Obi-Wan isn’t losing. Anakin shooting up droids. Anakin accidentally blows the place up and makes his way out. All droids power down so now the Gungans win. See, better than Lord of the Rings. I call bullshit on Obi-Wan killing Darth Maul in that way. But he did it. I’m unhappy, but it happened. Qui-Gon makes Obi-Wan promise to train the boy because he’s the chosen one.
Padme tells Viceroy that he will have to explain himself to the Senate. Palpatine tells Anakin that he will have to keep an eye on his career. Yoda doesn’t believe that Obi-Wan should take Anakin as his padawan. Yoda doesn’t like it, but the council allows it. Qui-Gon gets a nice cremation funeral. Mace asks Yoda about the Sith. Yoda says that there are always two, no more, no less. A master and an apprentice, and then the camera focuses on Palpatine.
And now we get the parade celebration. There’s some real lookers in the crowd. Padme gives some glowing ball to Boss Nass and he proclaims “Peace” and Padme and Anakin smile at each other.
End Film
That really wasn’t too bad. At the time, this was so disappointing. But as time goes by, this film isn’t that bad. Once you get past Jar Jar and the midi-chlorians, it’s a Star Wars film through and through. Granted, it was lame to do the thing with like 15 minutes remaining to have all the “good guys” in the 3 battles all on the brink of losing. Honestly, that may be my biggest gripe. Yes, they gave the antagonists a minor victory with Darth Maul, but then he went out like a sucker. He clearly saw Obi-Wan looking around to do some Jedi bullshit. Why wasn’t he more prepared to finish him? It kinda makes the Siths look bad.
There were a lot of good action sequences. The story made sense, although I am sure there places to nitpick, but it was better than shit like Avatar and Inception, so what the fuck? Too much politics really brought me down. I think it gets much worse in Episode II.
In the end, I think we’ve all been a little too harsh on Episode I. I think if you were to give it a fresh look now, it’s been 22 years, you may not hate it and you can appreciate all the things it does well. There are more positives than negatives here.
Final Rating – 7.3 – Liam Neeson was really solid in this, as were Palpatine and Anakin. And please, enough with how this ruined your childhood memories. Grow the fuck up.
All the pictures used in this blog are for review purposes. They are the property of:
Please go find a copy and support the creators.
I know that Disney owns Star Wars and I am terrified of their legal team, so I’m not even going to use a movie poster.