9 Deuce Horror Presents Housebound (2014) and Honeymoon (2014) with a dash of Dead Silence (2007)

The 9 Deuce Horror Group is back to discuss 2 horror flicks from 2014 that are currently on NetFlix: Housebound and Honeymoon.  Chris, Kristi, Dom, and Kent are back to discuss the films and give their insight.  It appears that Housebound was the clear cut favorite, but both had their merits.  You should absolutely give both films a watch and see what you think.

You can find us at the actual 9 Deuce website OR please check us out at 9 Deuce Horror on Facebook , on Twitter @official9deuce, or Instagram at Official9Deuce or Tumblr @ http://superkent92.tumblr.com/.  Share this, like this, write us an email with a question at kent@9deuce.com.  Thank you.

Housebound

  1.  In Housebound, who was the standout character for you?

Chris:  Amos. Could have been cliche in so many ways, but ended up being a character of his own. Eugene seemed cool, but he wasn’t in it enough to really be a character

Kristi: I dug Eugene. I definitely laughed when he blew off the psycho dudes head. That was just awesome!

Kent:  There are a lot to choose from.  That’s the sign of a good film for me.  I really loved Amos, for obvious reasons, probably the most likable.  Miriam is really awesome too in a weird way.  Sweet and oblivious at times, but the perfect counterpart to Kylie.  Dennis and Graeme also Kentertain me.  Really, solid characters.  Kylie is the perfect character to surround all of these wonderful personalities with.

Don:  Eugene, though he could have used  more screen time

 

  1.  Have you ever seen The Boy?  If so, prior or after seeing Housebound?

Chris:  Nope.

Kristi: Nope

Kent:  Yup.  I just wanted to keep the short answers that end in P thing going.  It was ok, but not as good as this.

Dom:  Yes. Prior.  I much prefer this movie to that one.

 

  1.  You found the “big reveal” in Housebound to be _______ ? (Fill in the blank.)

Chris:  Almost an inversion of The Pact

Kristi: unexpected

Kent:  Pleaseing

Dom: Satisfying.

 

  1.  Choose one…seriously.  Where did this movie succeed more in your opinion: the overall aura of creepiness or the big reveal?

Chris:  Like M Knight Shmayalan said “What a Twist!”

Kristi: The reveal. I honestly didn’t expect it. There were a lot of twist and turns actually. I really enjoyed this movie!

Kent:  The reveal was very well done, but it was the aura and build up that really made this movie awesome me.

Dom: The overall aura that included the reveal

Honeymoon

  1.  Did you find the opening 10-15 minutes boring or necessary?  Would you have shortened it perhaps?

Chris:  No it worked as a nice character study to introduce us to the 2 leads.

Kristi: I think it was important for us to see them in that happy state. We wouldn’t have much to go off of in seeing her changes if it wasn’t part of the film.

Kent:  I would have attempted to either trim it a bit or present it in a different way due to my preferences.

Dom:  it was important for set up.  We had to know the level of  their relationship towards each other to understand later actions

 

  1.  Give me your thoughts on Will’s character.  Were you a fan?

Chris:  What was there to be a fan of? 45 seconds of screen time

Kristi: His role was very brief but I did like him.

Kent:  I thought that he was the key component to making this film work.  Without his character, yes the film could have worked, but with him, you had to keep wondering about the extent of his involvement, if any.  You guys….

Dom:  Wait there was another dude in this film?

 

  1.  If you could have replaced the guy who played Paul with Kit Harrington (Jon Snow of Game of Thrones fame and Rose Leslie’s real life boyfriend), would the film have been better in your opinion?

Chris: No. Harry Treadaway was awesome in Penny Dreadful. Pretty sure he blows Kit Harrington out of the water

Kristi: No. I liked the guy that played Paul. I love Kit but I don’t think this roll would have been great for him.  

Kent:  Of course I would have enjoyed Kit’s endearing obliviousness that he has perfected.  Him having an :”Aha!” moment would have been priceless.  Harry did a great job though in all fairness.

Dom:  No the film was ok.  I don’t think Jon Snow would have made an impact one way or another.  Both actors did a fine job.

 

  1.  Did the ending of this film work for you?  If you didn’t like it, do you have any better suggestions for an ending?

Chris:  Dark, and depressing. I liked it

Kristi: It was ok I guess. Wasn’t really a fan in general so I was really just happy it was over.

Kent: I wish the ending had a bit more, or a bit less.  The level of ambiguity wasn’t satisfying to me, but the last 20 minutes or so was really fucking solid stuff.

Dom:  Damn ending.  Wasn’t a fan.  Bleeping aliens

 

  1.  Which movie did you prefer between Housebound and Honeymoon?  Tell me why, and bonus points if you make me laugh.

Chris:  Housebound’s premise, Honeymoon’s performances. The acting let me down in Housebound as did Eugene’s makeup. The worm thing out of the couch in Honeymoon almost killed it for me

Kristi: I definitely preferred Housebound. It kept me on the edge of my seat most of the movie. Honeymoon was ok but it was not my favorite.

Kent:  Housebound would be my preference.  Honeymoon was a great idea, executed adequately.  Housebound was just a great idea and better characters.

Dom:  Housebound.  I mean who doesn’t want to live in a house where some creepy person does too?  Reminds me of “My Brother…”  Ah the good old days.  I could totally see that person being someone who lives inside their brother’s home to stalk them and make Hair dolls of their brother.

 

Bonus Deuce – The 9 Deuce Horror Group originally voted for Dead Silence.  I feel like the film kinda got cheated out of the spotlight due to NetFlix apparently no longer showing it.  With that being said, I really wanted to still discuss it.  I know that not everybody got a chance to watch it.

  1.  A lot of people really disliked the ending in Dead Silence.  What was your take on it?

Chris:  Stereotypical nihilistic bad guy wins ending

Kent:  Like I’m not going to enjoy the bad guy winning.  You already knew my response before reading it.

Dom: Didn’t like it.  I am not a fan of movies where there is A) no real or explained ending B) where the bad guys win

 

  1.  There were some cool looking puppets in this film, including Billy from the Saw franchise.  Aside from Billy, did any of them stick out to you?  Please be particular about this.

Chris:  I hate puppets almost as much as clowns and carnies, freaky bastards, small hands, smell of cabbage  (I really hate the smell of cabbage as well.)

Kent:  The red haired clown for obvious reasons.  I also enjoyed the Latino one with the sunbrero.  

Dom: The Dad

 

Final Thoughts

Chris:  Dead Silence had a great beginning (top 10 horror movie beginnings I’d say), a clunky middle, some great scares later on, and a cliche horror ending. Housebound seemed to have potential at first and then fizzled in execution. Honeymoon nailed it’s pre-ending, while leaving a little more unexplained than I would have cared for.

Kent:  Kylie took a really long, interrupted piss and it always struck me as odd in Housebound.  Rose Leslie needs to do more stuff that I would watch.  Dead Silence in a film that I think will be looked back fondly upon in another 10 years, or so I hope. Australian horror is really coming into it’s own the past decade or so.  Kudos!  Also, go watch Wentworth if you like Orange is the New Black.  I am all over the place.  I loved when Kylie goes in the basement the first time and the Jesus statue falls towards her and she says “Jesus”.  I am a sucker for silly lines like that.

Dom: Housebound was fun, Dead silence is good until the end,  Honeymoon-eh

 

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Housebound

Honeymoon

Dead Silence

Please go find a copy and support the creators.

#128 Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones (2014)

Finally, the end of the road of this awful journey, until next March. This time it’s an all Latin cast apparent, in Cali somewhere. I don’t care. I just want this done and over with.

I am over a fifth through, we have seen 2 named women, but only pair of breasts, one vulva, one fat ass. Where’s Scott Steiner when you need him?  Nothing has happened, at all. This somehow got a higher rating than part 4. One of the main characters was eating Lucky Charms. That counts for something. Oh and they was playing cards, and I see Eleanor, the Jack of diamonds.

A third the way through, and absolutely nothing of any significance has happened. This has been a complete and utter waste of time. Well apparently Jesse, one of our 2 main protagonists has super strength as if he has been “marked” by Toby. This movie is dumb as hell.

At the halfway point, just saying things outloud to entertain myself. This one is bad on a different level. An hour, still no changes. I hate this movie. Oh, they brought Ali back from part 2. She conveniently explained some nonsense about male babies and when they turn 18 and something something dark side. I dunno. I should honestly have stopped watching. I am almost bored to tears. I’m just bitter at this point. I never thought I’d look so forward to Leprechaun in Space, or Children of the Corn 8, or Hellraiser Bloodline, because that takes place in outer space, or Jason X, cause that takes place in Outer Space, or Alien because it is awesome.

Haha, I just said outloud :I’ve even run out of ways to insult this movie. I wish Brock Lesnar would just come on the screen and start raging and then Mark Ruffalo would join him, and they would destroy every person ever involved in these cinematic abominations. Well, this movie has gone even worse. The sister and friend joined up with some gangsters to find Jesse. they whip out guns and they take on the witches. I wish I was making this up. I truly wish I was, but I’m not. Well sister is dead. Both gringos we are assuming are dead, but we can’t confirm the one with the shotgun yet. They are back at the house in part 3, where it all began. Hey, a level of continuity. What a tweest. I am sick of all the jump scares that have perpetuated the last 5-10 minutes of this. Jump scares….how lame. I mean, so you have first person camera work, and then he is in a house, wandering around confused, and then you have things jumping out at him. That is a hack job.

What a clusterfuck that ending was. It kinda made sense, but I don’t think it was accurate to what we was led to believe happened. I don’t even wanna bother. I’m done, I’m fucking done.  I’m giving this a 2.5, avoid at all costs. Just avoid it. Even if intrigued, just no. I’m finding a picture, then I’m wiping my hands of this.

Breasts Total Updated!!!

37 Bare breasts

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#125 Paranormal Activity 4 (2012)

Finally….we’ve reached the end of this awful franchise. I can’t wait to be done. We see events from the end of part 2 in the beginning with Katie and Hunter.

Now we are in Nevada, no longer in Carlsbad, CA. So we have a new family. A mom (Holly), dad (Doug), teenage blond (Alex), and young boy (Wyatt). They have new neighbors, a single mom and her son (Robbie). You would never guess who they are. So Alex and her boyfriend (Ben) are gonna hang out at night in her treehouse, and sure enough there’s Robbie. Then the next knife, there’s cops or something at the mom’s house, so the family randomly takes in Robbie because….I just don’t even know how this would ever happen. Robbie is just a creepy kid with an imaginary friend. You can tell where this is going. Oh, they just danced to Rob Zombie’s “Dragula”.  I also enjoy that Ben records Alex when they webcam. That is a totally creepy thing that I have never ever done in my life. Ever. It’s an invasion of privacy damnit! Ben, you were wrong to do that, I am very disappointed with you.

I’m gonna get my camera back and start recording all the time, then record while I edit together my life story, and see all the spooky things that happen. OK, let’s face it, I plan on recording all the asinine things that somebody in this house says so I have video proof They will love that.  By the way, Ben is clearly my favorite character of this franchise.

It has been brought to my attention that there is a 5 Paranormal Activity. I want to say I am very sorry for this revelation. I am as depressed as anybody about this. I am not at all looking forward to what I must do. When all is said and done, I am guessing I will have spent approximately 8 boob less hours thanks to this awful franchise. I promise I will make up for this. I think I may have to watch Slumber Party Massacre 1, 2, and 3, and Sorority House Massacre 1 & 2, and maybe a few other to help get our breast numbers higher. I do this for charity.

Watching this, nothing scary happening, I am peacefully typing. Watching with Raylene and Robbie is riding a tricycle in the kitchen. Raylene screams “Danny Boy!” in an hommage to The Shining apparently. The volume level seriously went from a normal conversational 5, to a 25. It startled me. I then scolded her. Louder than Russ during a Brock Lesnar match.

Now less than 20 minutes ago, Raylene made fun of the girl constantly checking out random noises in the house. I made fun of her then as she always hears things and is looking out the window like a jackass. Well she just heard a sound. Don’t know what it was, don’t really care. My guess is the neighbors, or my mom, or a demon. I honestly don’t care what it was, but sure enough Raylene got up and looked and I then ridicule her. She just got done making fun of the girl in the movie for doing the exact same damn thing. I am living my own personal horror movie. C’mon demon, kill her, possess me, make something happen. Raylene claimed it was the dog in the kitchen. Yes, the same dog that we had to put down 2 months ago. Really?

I just said that To Cruise won’t come out of the closet. These movies are beyond dumb. I regret going through so many classics last year. Speculating that I may do this again next year, I am holding out on some franchises. I only did 2 of the big 3 last year. I am not sure if I am saving that for next year or not. I have  until February before I have to watch that particular franchise again. Get my hockey mask on.  Haha, Alex almost got hit by a car and she says “Fuckin Prius”. Oh, there’s creepy shit that happens in Robbie’s old place. It’s spoooooooky. Not really. And Katie is home now, oh and there’s a weird lock on a closet.

So a knife almost dropped down on the dad’s head so he is freaking out, the wife comes down, won’t let him get a word in at all and kept telling him to come to bed. So yeah, I wanted some domestic violence to occur, and I wanted him to make sure that she had AllHandsOnDick, one of my favorite screen names oh all time, right up there with ChunkyLover92.

Wyatt is talking to Toby at night, but here’s the dumb thing, Toby is behind him, so why the fuck not have Robbie turn around and talk to the invisible entity face to face? And why the fuck are they video recording Wyatt in a bathtub? Nobody else is bothered by this? Nobody? Fine, I’ll just be all outraged by myself. There’s no parent s in there, just Wyatt. I ask again, why is this being recorded?

This movie is full of the same shit. Somebody gets dragged up or down stairs, they get dragged off the bed or above the bed, things get pulled really fast, doors open and close. I just resorted to saying “Is she petting her pussy” while she is on her webcam petting the cat. Yup, I’m bored and childish and immature. This is the movie that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. The Bills won today. That was cool. By the way, Wyatt is adopted and now thinks he is Hunter and Katie is in the house telling Wyatt/Hunter that his aunt Katie is there.

Alex got locked in the garage and the car magically turned on. She was choking on the fumes. She took a golf club and broke a window on the car. Raylene honestly asked why would she do that? I said, “To put the car in reverse and break down the garage door.” Then she did that. I told her what I have numerous  times before, in a real life scenario, you are going to die. If there is ever an epidemic, or apocalypse situation, Raylene only lives as long as I allow it and can guide her. And if I die, well she’s dead within 92 minutes.

Less than 5 minutes to go!!! More bodies getting flung and dragged. Screw this, just call the movie “One hour of doors closing followed by a few bodies being flung and dragged by a ghost followed by an unsatisfying ending”!

You’ll never believe this, but the ending was completely unsatisfying. I’m just as shocked as you are. Here’s a picture of the ending. Yeah, it made little to no sense. Nobody gives a fuck. Why must these movies be so dumb? I’m holding off til tomorrow to watch part 5 to mess with Raylene more. These seem to scare her, so I figure why not make life miserable two nights in a row?

Breasts Totals

34 Bare breasts

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#123 Paranormal Activity 2 (2010)

This will be a long ass day. I got some orange juice now, my stomach feels awful. I’m yawning, and I gotta watch more of this crap. Oh yay!

So the first screen says “Paramount Pictures would like to thank the families of the deceased and the Carlsbad plice department.” Seriously? This time they are not fucking around, no foreplay, no lube, they are just shoving it right up your ass from the very first screen. I am pretty sure I saw this on on blu ray, and saw part 3 in the theater, but maybe I saw the first 3 in the theater. It became a running joke. Awww man, this one is 12 minutes longer than the first one. Booooooo.

Hey there’s Katie, and she’s this baby’s aunt. Baby is Hunter, parents are Daniel & Kristi, and their daughter Ali, and they have a dog. The family is outside, somebody asked Katie where Micah was and she gave some bullshit awkward answer. So the family thinks their house is getting broken into, and I’ll let you in on a little secret, it’s really some invisible evil boring ass entity.The dog is my favorite character in this whole thing.

They just showed us night 1. I wasn’t paying attention. I just found out that Katie was on a few episodes of The River. That show was pretty damn good. I regret not having it on DVD. Just saw some adequate cleavage. You have to take what you can with this nonsense. I wanna nap.Oh, this takes place before Micah’s death, and there’s Micah.

Why isn’t there caffeinated orange juice? That’s what I want. The male in this is pretty much a douche in the exact opposite way that Micah was. He fired the latina maid, who was my 3rd favorite character. My 2 favorite are the dog and Ali the daughter. You’d be shocked, yes shocked that nothing has happened why. Ali’s boyfriend is over as she is babysitting and he made the Ouija Board spell out PUSSY. Oh Brad, you so crazy.

Raylene: “What’s supposed to happen here?”

Me: “I get more bored than I currently am.”

I’m now talking myself into believing that the evil entity is Abalom from The Last Exorcism. Yup, that works.

SPOILERS

It’s over, stuff happened. Katie killed the parents at the end. Ali lived. The baby was kidnapped. I don’t know if the dog lived.

END SPOILERS

It was garbage. Better than part 1. I still can’t give an honest score. Clearly I do not recommend this. Maybe to some kid, think under 10, I may have enjoyed this as I wouldn’t have known better. I would have latched onto it if I was like 6 or 7 I think. As a teen or older, I would have known it was shit. So show this to your kids….maybe. This is right at the end of the movie. Yup, I just don’t care. 2 more to go.

Breasts Totals

34 Bare breasts

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Please go find a copy and support the creators.

#122 Paranormal Activity (2007)

You know what’s great about Paranormal Activity? Usually I would laugh and say nothing, but that’s not true at all. The beauty is that you can technically see all the film in less than 15 minutes. Seriously, these movies are complete garbage juice and actually only get interesting later on in the franchise when they add a more convoluted storyline. If you like these movies, you may wish to avoid the next 4 entries because I am gonna trash the shit out of the films and it’s fans. Sorry.

I’m fairrly certain there is a spider near me, but I am too lazy at the moment to do jack shit. There, that story of mine was more compelling than this film. I’m gonna eat a piece of cake now.

My story about my experience with Paranormal Activity is definitely a unique one that needs to be told. I was hanging out with my buddy Ron, and we was watching Phantasm, a good to great movie, depending on your tastes. We had heard so much hype about PA that we stopped Phantasm mid way through so we could make it to the theater. On our way, about midway through, little to our knowledge, a dude started stalking us, yes this really happened. We get to the parking lot in Amsterdam, and this middle aged dude starts accusing us of throwing a bottle, like a plastic bottle I think, at his vehicle as he drove past us. This dude was fucking crazy. First of all, we did no such thing and had no idea what in the fuck he was talking about. Secondly, what was he really gonna do? There’s 2 guys in their 20’s, and his old ass. He’s not winning that fight unless he had a weapon. Plus we were in a parking lot, cops would have been coming. Like nothing made sense. So after telling him about 5 times that we didn’t do anything, didn’t know what the hell he was talking about, he begrudgingly left. Yeah, he easily wasted 10-15 minutes of his life chasing down the wrong people.

We get our tickets, get our refreshments so we could be refreshed, and get our seats. You can feel a buzz in the theater. People were pretty pumped, I felt like we was in a theater with some horror fans. Then the movie began, and nothing happened. And still nothing. I’m 18 minutes in, and it’s been nothing but bullshit talk. Some specialist in paranormal bullshit talked way too much, only feeding the dumb bitch’s paranoia. So we keep waiting. About 30 minutes in, people are checking their phones or watches, curious to see how much times has passed. Ron leans over and makes some joke about the movie. We’re starting to lose faith. Least they could do is show some tits or have a back story. You could hear other chatter in the theater. People were probably making similar comments. At the 21 minutes mark the door moves. OOOOOHHHHH, sooo fucking scary.

An hour in, the crowd is growing restless. People are getting a little louder in the theater, making jokes or expressing their displeasure with whomever they were with. It would have taken an amazing twist to really get the crowd back into. Every minute passes, more chatter, more displeasure. When they get to the night shots, more anticipation, more disappointment. It was like being a fat guy at prom.  And before you know, it’s over. What? Wait, there’s gotta be more right? They hyped that guy’s return and he was on screen for like a minute, like the plot hinged on his return and he bailed so fast. Fucking hell, the theater was like verbally rioting. People were talking about demanding their money back. Nobody and I mean, nobody looked like they was happy. Between scowls and utter hatred on these people’s faces, people were fucking pissed. We came back and watched the rest of Phantasm. We should have done that all along.

27 minutes in, it’s a night shot. She wakes up like she had a nightmare. Oh, and they hear a thump. That’s the big scare, a fucking thump in the night? You know what, I have loud ass neighbors and their cat knocks shit over in the middle of the night all the fucking time. And I find spiders in my bathroom all the time. I guess I could make a movie and people would call me a creative genius. Seriously!!! I’m getting all kinds of pissed off just watching this.

Oh, let’s use a Ouija Board! Hey another night time scene. What TERRIFYING thing will happen next? I don’t even know what that noise was, ohh the living room lights are swaying.  That is so damn scary, I’m about to piss myself. Can it get any scarier? Kids are growing up thinking this is scary. This is really happening. Unfuckingbelievable. I want to punch something. Yeah, get your asses back to bed, you stupid fucks. If Sam Kinison was still alive, I’d love to hear him do stand up about this film.

Haha, the bitch is complaining about the guy not taking this seriously. Was that a clever guilt trick to make the audience feel bad for not giving a fuck? Aside from Asian remakes, and Sinister, when was the last good horror flick that was mass marketed to theaters? Was it Drag Me to Hell, and prior to that Saw? Yeah, we are in a fucking lull on the mainstream horror scene. We’ve been given The Purge, Insidious, the Possession, Last Exorcisim (I should have included that on my list), The Conjouring, and I am sure I’m forgetting some but the pickings are slim. Indie horror is where it’s at for the past decade or so, that and France and Asia.

Oh, Katie is outside on a swinging chair in the middle of the night. Yeah that’s right baby, you build up some non existent tension. The only reason I hate Sixth Sense more than I hate this is because Sixth Sense was actually critically acclaimed and well received by the masses. Both are shallow and pedantic, yes, shallow and pedantic. Here’s another shitty thing, this girl starts looking girl because we haven’t had a chance to look at other females most of the movie. I think her sister was on for a minute. OK, we are at the halfway point, and normally I would stop typing and kick back and enjoy the film to give you a solid recommendation. That won’t be happening here. I have more insults.

There we go, he got out the Ouija Board. time for somebody to fuck with the other person and pretend like they ain’t doing anything. Katie is pisssssed and bitching him out. Typical fucking female. “How dare you? You said you weren’t gonna get this to scare me.” Yup, this is why women are so often the butt of the joke. Wait, lets keep the screen on the Ouija Board as it spells out something that we can’t see, the plants act like there is wind in the house, oh, and then the board sets itself on fire. This movie made so much money. DO you know why? Because no refunds were given to pissed off viewers. She’s still being a bitch, kicking him out of his room. I’d be all like, bitch, get a haircut, your hair looks stupid, and that outfit makes you look fat. This guy has to be the most whipped pussy I’ve seen. “I swear to follow Katie’s rules and regulations” blah blah blah. Sir, did you trade your balls in for a training bra? I wanna fight this guy so bad. I will be Maximus, he will be Daredevil. Daredevil dies.

This was the worst film I ever saw in the theater. By and large, I have had great luck. I did see In Dreams, What Dreams May Come (and don’t give me shit just because Robin killed himself, it doesn’t change how dumb that movie was), Spiderman, and Titantic. Those are my worst films I’ve seen in a theater. That’s not too bad. Oh and Sleepwalkers. It was a bad Stephen King movie with not much in the realm of redeemable qualities. I bought a flask in the shape of a mustache. Oh, we have another night scene. He has sprinkled powder on the flood. I bet Fred, Daphne, Velma, Shaggy, and Scoobey can figure out this caper. OH MY GOD, there are footsteps in the powder and in the bedroom. This is so absolutely scary. I wish I was webcamming my reaction through this whole film. It would be that of constant disdain and hatred. I wish my mustache flash was filled up, but if it was, it’d probably be emptied pretty quick.

I think this is my longest blog this year.  Nice down the shirt view momentarily. I’m thinking about playing Angry Birds and how much I hate that I can’t watch the Bills play today. Oh, Micah found a picture of her as a kid in the attic. “There is no way you found that in our attic.” (In my best Hulk Hogan voice) Well lemme tell you something brother. If you haven’t seen the picture in 15 years, it’s not anymore likely that he somehow found it, shoved it down his pants, lied to you about seeing something, and then came back down and voila, here’s your burnt up crumby picture you stupid bitch. She’s back to being mean to him. I would pay some money for the copy where Ray Rice comes in during the middle of the night and punches her the fuck out. I know, I know, too soon, domestic violence isn’t cool, and it’s not funny to say I like my violence like my beer, domestic. But I am bored, and the big thing in this night shot is the door closed. I wish Vincent Price was alive to call this garbage.

20 + minutes to go, and doors are closing and she is panicking.  She wears her bra to bed. Who does that? No wonder you can’t see her nipples. Call it a hunch, but I don’t think the footage in this movie is real. I think they faked it. Women don’t wear bras to bed unless they are sleeping next to me and don’t wanna put out. I won’t name names.  From this angle, she looks very homely, like a pimp may toss her white ass back out on the streets. I am fighting the urge not to fast forward. Oh, another thump was heard. The glass on a picture frame is shattered and his face is scratched in the picture. I feel like OK, after all the hype of this old guy returning, the specialist, he stays there for 40 seconds, How long did they hype him coming back to help, then he returns for 40 fucking seconds!!!! Honestly, that was my breaking point in the theater. You have talked about this guy and how he was gonna help and blah blah blah, and 40 seconds. He was scurred.

People who were scared by this movie were also probably terrified every time Gargamel was on the Smurfs. Haha, so Micah found some bitch on a website who had the same things happen. Katie is like “So you mean to tell me that you found a woman online who has experienced all the same things that we have” in a very skeptical manner. If you’re skeptical bitch, imagine how I fucking feel. I wrote more cohesive plots on season one of the Malarkey Show.

Good news, we have 10 minutes remaining. I think this is the beginning of the final night where she gets dragged out of bed. Yup, that just happened. And the door closed.  If this movie would have premiered when the Vietnam war was happening, I bet at least 7% of the male audience would have left that theater thinking about enlisting in the military to take out some aggression. Micah should have kicked her out of the house as soon as this shit started. Wiped his hands clean of her bullshit. He wants to leave, she wants to stay.

5 minutes remaining. Crank up your best of Europe CD, because it’s The Final Countdown, do do do dooo dodododo do, OK, I am sure I just botched that, but that was the most fun i have had during this film was playing the song in my head.  The low calorie G2 Gatorade Glacier Freeze is surprisingly tasty. Oh, there was screaming after she got out of bed. We hear thumping like footsteps. I think this is the scene where they got a few jump scares . Yup, suddenly she flung Micah back in the room. It’s fucking amateur hour. Oh and she was like possessed as she kinda growled at the camera. Micah’s body was discovered by police, but Katie’s whereabouts is a mystery. SPOOKY! And end movie!

If you made it all the way to the end, congratulate yourself and please tell me that you made it through this blog. I wish to acknowledge you for your hard work maybe around blog 50. As for me, I think I am gonna reheat some food, eat it, then shower. I have a long, arduous day ahead of me. Still 3 more of these awful films to review.  I really wish I had some chicken wings to get me through the day. Spoiler ruins the whole film, and I’m ok with that. I just saved you 90 boob less minutes.

Breasts Totals

34 Bare breasts

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#46 100 Feet (2008)

I picked this movie up at Hollywood Video when they were good out of business on a whim. I feel it was worth it. I can’t imagine many of you have seen this, so allow me to provide you with some insight.

This movie stars Famke Janssen of XMen fame (She was Jean Grey). That’s where the star quality starts and ends, still it doesn’t fully disappoint. Famke is under house arrest for allegedly killing her cop husband. Sure enough his partner is a hard ass that is trying to make her life a living hell and constantly surveillancing the house. Well, fun thing is, he husband’s ghost is still in the house and he is fucking pissed. He fucks with Famke a ton and becomes more and more of a bastard as the film progresses. There’s a side love interest of sorts, but it’s just a way to add a sweet ass kill scene, and THAT is totally fucking worth it. All in all, this movie doesn’t try to be over complicated, it focuses on a couple of things and does a lot of fun things with it. It’s worth a watch, maybe a 6.4 I’d say. Man it is tough trying to figure out these scores some times.

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#31 The Amityville Horror (1979)

One blog away from me going off on a mother fucking tangent. But let’s give this movie its fair and due diligence. By today’s standards, most people aren’t gonna find it that good I’m afraid. Hell the remake was a valiant effort I must admit with Ryan Reynolds. Here’s the reason I write about this movie. It’s part of my original horror trilogy with The Shining and An American Werewolf in London, so I have to pay it homage. And back in the day, this movie was scary. They took their time with plots and made the small scares seem much larger. And that is cool. We live in a world where the audience loses patience and focus far too easily, yet they will sit there for 90+ mind numbing minutes watch Paranormal Activity, waiting to see a footstep or to see a door close. OOOHHHH, sooo scary. Fuckheads!

This is based off of a supposed true story that took place on Long Island, NY. Basically this newlywed couple buy this house despite the housing agent giving them full disclosure about the murders committed previously in this house. I want to note that this was the inspiration along with poltergeist for the very first story in the very first The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror. That just goes to show how important this movie is. ANyway, the family was the house exorcised, but some weird shit happens to the priest exorcising the house, so they have to set a second one. All along the house is slowly trying to possess George, and the kids as well i believe. I few good chill scenes, and the ending is pretty god damn creepy, and you are left with a great movie for it’s time. By 1979 standards, this movie is probably an 8, by 2013 standards, it’s probably a 6, so I am averaging them to what I consider a fair way of handling it. I give it a 7 and I’m content with that. The one we have all been waiting for is coming up next.

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#16 1408 (2007)

Sigh, I was excited as this was one of the few movies on my list that I had never seen and been wanting to for years. Unfortunately, this movie did a lot of things I feared it would. Namely 2 things. 1) Bore me. 2) Not feature Samuel L Jackson nearly as much as one would expect for him to be so featured in the advertising. Yeah, both occurred. I lost interest and got sidetracked and cannot give this a fair review. John Cusack does just fine, but as with most Cusack roles, I always feel he could have been easily replaced by somebody 10 times cheaper who could have been just as effective as most of his characters. Anyway, to be continued later on. As of now, I don’t understand why he wasn’t in the room for what seemed like the last 20 minutes of this movie.

Annnnnd back.

Yeah so I watched the movie again, paid more attention to it, it still underwhelmed the hell out of me. Maybe in a few years, I may enjoy it like I do Dreamcatcher, but I don’t see the same charm, or actors, or fun that that particular movie had. Samuel L Jackson was awesome for his 5 minutes. John Cusack had to carry this film, and it was a fun story to tell, but a story I had no interest in. Some may hold this film in high regard. This will be one of the lowest ratings I give a movie. I don’t like it, have no interest in seeing it again. If you found some good in this movie, I say good for you, glad you enjoyed. This movie was just a travesty for me. Giving it a 4.4 in hopes that maybe I am missing something and there was some quality there.

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