Here’s the thing, I have already seen this movie….twice. Now the first time, I was dating a chick named Kristin, and we made a deal that if I watched this movie with her, well I got to do something very intimate with her, so I agreed. Was it worth it? That is entirely debatable. The second time, I was working and it was on, and I was assigned to sit with one of the guys, so I did as I was told. Unlike Titanic, don’t expect many nice things to be said here. If you genuinely like these movies, maybe you should skip this because I will be getting very insulting. Fair warning.
Start Film
A deer is running, it is being chased, or hunted. We get a voice over from that annoying human paraquat, Kristen Stewart. I guess she is gonna spend time with her dad. They are moving to Forks, Washington. Her dad is chief of police, and her dumbass name is Bella. She likes purple. I also like purple. My new blanket is purple. That is more interesting than this nonsense. We meet Charlie, he’s in a wheelchair, and he’s an Indian, and his boy Jacob. She was just given this pickup. She is such a social outcast at this new school, woe is her. I should be keeping track of names. There’s a white boy named Mike. There’s an Asian dude who seems outgoing. Some black dude kissed Bella. And here are the Cullens: Rosalie, Emmet, Alice, and Jasper. Ohhhh shit, did I forget to mention Edward Cullen, who is totally gorgeous? What the fuck am I watching, and why did this make money? Brooding teenagers are great. I miss Zach Morris and Kelly Kapowski.
Edward is smelling Bella’s stank. She is totally self-conscious. I like how totally average everybody looks as far as townsfolk go. Is Bella so to be hot or plain, or what? She’s obsessing about Ed not coming to class. Really. Wait, Rosita from Walking Dead is in this dreck? Boooooo Rosita, booooo. Also, Anna Kendrick is a name that I recognize, well I mean, I have heard her name, and that’s all I know. I am so not up on pop culture. Ed is in class, and he introduces himself. Bella doesn’t like the cold, ohhh la la. Bitch. Ugh, only 20 minutes in. Can she get bit or fucked or whatever and have a 3 way with 2 ugly no-talent guys and be done with it after they play baseball? No? Shit.
Bella has nice eyes, I think, so there’s the nicest thing I can say at the moment. Oh, a van comes sliding in and Ed saves Bella with his hands and dents the vehicle. He then runs away and she is surrounded. I like iced tea. Ed’s group is upset with him for showing off his powers. She questions him, and he ain’t gonna tell, until she shows her left boob, at the bare minimum. She dreams of Ed. I dream of tacos. Nice Mike, he asks her to prom, but she is focusing on Ed. She is not letting him down easily, she suggests that he asks Jessica, who is way prettier anyway. I mean, I guess if Bella was a guaranteed lay or Jessica was a total bitch, that would tip the balance. Ed doesn’t want to be friends. “Why didn’t you just let the van crush me? I’m so upset. Blah blah blah.” That’s a direct quote from the film. “You know you’re mood swings are giving me whiplash?” Now she wants to hang out with him. Bitch, are you in control of the group where you can just start inviting people? “Take control, you’re a strong independent woman.”
Dun dun dun, the Cullens don’t come here. They don’t like Indians apparently. So Jake’s clan of Indians are connected to wolves, and the Cullen’s are an opposing clan. This movie made like 200 million. People are dumb. So there’s a black dude, a hot white chick, and some topless dude. They are all vampires. I also swear to god, I will punch something if the word Lycan is uttered. I fucking hate that word. Back to the black vampire, I can get behind him, as I am guessing Jessica is like jailbait at this point. Dress shopping. Lots of Jessica sideboob. It appears that Anna was above 18 at the time of this filming, so it’s ok to enjoy her side boob. Yay. These are important things.
4 dudes harass Bella at night and then a hero comes along, and Ed scares those boys away. Girls in groups turn into troglodytes and are conniving simultaneously while giggling. Teehee. Oh, he’s her protector. That’s why bitches panties were all moist watching this garbage. He tells her that he can read minds, his hands are really cold. Bella is finally having her moment of realizing what Ed really is. Bitch, ain’t you ever seen The Lost Boys? She confronts him with her “aha” realization. Her comes all the fast-moving bullshit. Show off. And he sparkles in the sunlight. And people wonder why this movie gets ripped to shreds so often. It’s fucking laughable. Ohhhh, I’m such a dangerous predator, but I sparkle, I’m so pretty, but I’m a bad guy. Her scent makes him want to eat her. I am not gonna work blue for once. I’m afraid of losing you Ed, you sparkly manster.
Just rape her and be done with it for fuck’s sake. Now they are publicly a thing at school now. That’s a really big deal in high school. OMG LOL. She is unconditionally and irrevocably in love with this boy. We get the backstory, and then how the Cullen’s consider themselves vegetarians because they only eat animal blood. Who wrote this??? Fuck, man!
Ed wants Bella to meet his family. They have a very sweet looking house. Alice is the nice sister, Rosalie is the bitch. Jasper is new and is hungry for blood. Emmet is…..duh as fuck. I don’t know what to make of him, to be honest. Oh boy, here we go with jumping tree to tree to show off for his new bitch. Cops are investigating these murders, this a side plot that will cause bullshit issues I am sure. The old guys at the table in the diner are great. Mike is pissed that she is with Ed. Ed likes to watch her sleep. I guess that’s normal, I mean, it’s creepy, but I get the appeal of it if the chick is hot enough. I’ll go back to reviewing the movie now. It’s make out time. She is in her panties, and bitches are diddling themselves at home seeing that. He has to stop, he can’t lose control with her, His Bella.
Time for Ed to meet Bella’s dad. Dad has some beer and his gun and a nice plaid shirt on. He’s clearly got the upper hand. Here we go, time to play baseball, the Cullen way. Bella will serve as umpire. So basically, it’s like watching Barry Bonds play, only if he was on PED’s, and slightly faster and stronger, and could jump like Jordan. It’s very video game-like, NBA Jam of baseball. Boom shakalaka!!! The 3 badass vampires are nearing. Laurent is the black dude, James looks like Christian from WWE when he first entered as part of the Brood, and Victoria, the token chick. I’m just going to call James Christian. Annnnnd now it gets fucking foolish, vampires trying to act badass while you have some guitar in the background. Do you know what would have made that scene better? If you could see Slash in the background doing his solo from November Rain. Christian is a tracker, and Bella is his most exciting hunt yet because Ed wants to bang her. Ed has to be the white sparkly knight.
She needs to bail, so she is acting overly emotional to play her dad. Christian is there. Dad is overly upset about her wanting to leave. She is being a cunt to him. Poor dude. He’s my 2nd favorite character after Laurent. My 3rd is probably Alice or Sugartits Jessica. Anyway, the Cullens are escorting Bella to their place for safety. Laurent is warning the Cullens about Christian and Victoria. So Alice and Jasper are going to take Bella, and Rosalie is still being a bitch, a bitch with a fine ass, let me see that again girl. Back it up.
Anyway, Rosalie is marking scent to throw off Christian while Alice and Jasper go the other way. Uh oh, Christian has figured it out. Alice also has visions, but she can do some cooler drawing stuff. Ed is acting like a little bitch now. Christian is now with Bella’s mom. Ohhhhh shit. Christian will allow mom to go if he can have some Bella, but she can’t bring anybody. Where’s Liam Neeson? He would have killed Christian 15 times by now. There’s some bullshit about a ballet studio because it’s just a bunch of unnecessary bullshit at this point. This is where it’s going down, and lots of mirrors. I like mirrors in horror movies. I wish this was a horror movie. I wish this was good. I was I had a dozen chicken wings.
So we have the confrontation at the studio. Christian is turning out ok. He is just being a dick to Bella, so he is my new #3. Ed’s dumbass just came to the rescue. Ugh. Still 20 minutes of this tripe. Bella’s bleeding. This fight I guess is supposed to be epic. Christian just bit Bella’s forearm. She’s going through changes. She may blossom into a decent actress someday. The Cullens all show up to kill (take care of) Christian sadly. Bella is having a bad time. It’s time for Carlisle to save her. Nope, Ed has to suck out the venom. He doesn’t want to stop eating. Ed, you’re gonna turn into a faaaaat asss just like me. Lots of random flashes. And Bella is safe with mommy in the hospital. Wait, why is Ed sleeping? I thought that he didn’t sleep. Bella has a broken leg. Mom wants her to move to Florida, but Bella wants to go back to Forks. Who the hell wants to live in Florida? Too damn warm, I’d lose a chin or 2 from the heat alone.
Look at Bella in her blue dress, she looks adequate. I forgot about how fucking lame this scene is. Jacob shows up at prom. He tells Bella that his dad wants her to break up with her boyfriend, something about wolves, and yeah. The white-ish sweater that she is wearing looks awful I feel. I think this is the most cringe-worthy scene of the whole damn movie, and that says so, so, so much. Time to go outside and have a private dance out on the gazebo. It’s so picture-perfect. Oh, I bet all the girls watching this imagined this at their prom. I bet they were disappointed as a mother fucker when 20 others girls coerced their guy out there with the same damn idea. They talk, he kisses her on the neck, she is ready to get bit on the neck because girls think that is sexy. Girls are dumb. That reminds me of a classic joke. Why do girls wear makeup and perfume? Because they’re ugly and smell bad. HA! I believe that is Victoria watching this from afar. Oh man…….it’s fucking OVER!!!! WOOOOO!!!
End film.
TLDR
What Did we learn from Twilight?
We learned that average looking girls can get dick from a blonde guy who could be banging Anna Kendrick, an Indian who may or may not be a wolf, and a pasty white brooding vampire. We learned that even pasty white vampires that look like Jasper can get hot chicks like Alice. We learned that Indians continue to get fucked by the white man. If you brood enough, somebody will want to brood with you, and you will be able to get laid if you would stop brooding or 30 minutes. We learned that being a vegetarian vampire means that you eat animals…..I wish I was joking. We learned that it’s still cool to wear flannel, drink beers, and have a shotgun while meeting your daughter’s new boy toy. We learned that guys like to masturbate to girls sleeping. We learned that vampires prefer baseball over other sports. I would like to see how fast they could play golf, to be honest. We learned that the hot chicks don’t get their props in fictional movies. We learned that Rosita from Walking Dead was part of this franchise, because, who really knew that?
Now to talk about the movie itself.
It was filmed fine. The music sucked. It wasn’t good at all really. The dialogue was probably my least favorite aspect, followed immediately by the brooding, followed immediately by the bullshit running in the forest. It wasn’t ALL terrible. Bella’s dad, Christian, Laurent, Alice, and Jessica were all perfectly acceptable. I just disliked Bella way too much, and Edward. When you can’t get invested in the lead characters, the film becomes shitty for you. That’s just the facts of life. These people were totally non-relatable by and large. BUT, in all fairness, I was never the intended demographic audience. Despite there being vampires and potential for werewolves, that really doesn’t guarantee shit. Look at the Underworld franchise. I would love to make fun of so many things, but I already did.
Rating: 3.0 Because I can’t figure out how low is legit. The production value and acting are fine. Just because I didn’t like it, it doesn’t mean that it wasn’t well done. Obviously bitches bought into it. I’m sorry if you liked this movie. Just know that your taste in films is shit and you should be ashamed of yourself. I’m not sure if I was abrasive enough there, but I did my best.
All the pictures used in this blog are for review purposes. They are the property of:
- Summit Entertainment (presents)
- Temple Hill Entertainment (as Temple Hill)
- Maverick Films (in association with) (as Maverick)
- Imprint Entertainment (in association with) (as Imprint)
- Goldcrest Pictures (in association with)
- Twilight Productions
Please go find a copy and support the creators.