Well, VHS 1 had some good short stories. VHS 2 had one ok one, but the rest was shit. This is supposed to be the worst of the 3. If this sucks, I am following it up with something good.
Our first girl has a nice smile. They have done away with having normal-looking girls and keep trying to get better and better-looking women. Hey, a nice booty shot. The guy’s name is Kevin, and her name is Iris. I do like that name a lot. There is a police chase, and Kevin wants to record it and try to go viral. Seriously, people think like this nowadays. Hey, Grandma’s boobs, thanks, guys. Kevin is just a douche. It explains how he has this girl. Iris is acting so weird, standing in the middle of the street. The officer just got ran over, and Iris is missing.
Dante The Great
Scarlett is getting interviewed by Detective Hughes, and she is a magician’s assistant to Dante the Great. Dante was arrested apparently, for what? I don’t know. 2 years ago, he was in a trailer park and he was broke. People are dinks to him. Dante gets a cloak that Houdini used to have, that frightened Houdini. Ohhh man. This is like a documentary style. So this guy becomes huge with his illusions. Dante set fire on accident. The cloak has stopped working. The cloak was hungry and only wanted one thing. Showering girls apparently? His assistants, they start disappearing. Scarlett’s man was abusive, and she had a relationship with Dante. They were more than friends. So Dante gets Scarlett’s boyfriend in his room and murders him and feeds the cloak. So the swat team gets Dante. They put him in the back of a cop car. He disappears and has the cop handcuffed to the steering wheel. So Dante takes on the Swat team with his magic. It was a treat. Scarlett can use the cloak, and they have the worst magic showdown. Scarlett had the cloak eat him. The spirit takes her in the end.
Back to Kevin and Iris is calling him and screaming. Kevin is still ambulance chasing. The ambulance is going around in circles intentionally.
Parallel Monsters
We have Marta and Alfonso. He has a machine that has created a parallel dimension. Oh boy. Alfonso sees Alfonso, and they talk. One crosses over and they want to switch universes for 15 minutes. They are noticing differences. One has a picture of their wedding, the other of like a ritualistic sacrifice. So OG Alfonso is meeting Marta, and she has champagne and 2 dudes named Oriol. In the living room, they have a bunch of candles and a bag in the middle, a bloody bag hanging up. She tells one of the Oriols that Alfonso likes to go first. Other Alfonso is taking pictures of OG Marta. OH, there is a weird sacrifice movie playing and the sounds of a porno in Alternate Universe. Alt Alfonso is having a great time taking pictures. OG Alfonso asks what the porn noise is, and she says that he’s oblivious to everything. Alt Marta is whining about him not caring about her self esteem. He is freaking out, goes outside and see a weird blimp outside flying with an upside-down cross. The Oriol’s are pissed that he is recording them. Alt Alfonso is grabbing his dick. His eyes glow, so do the angry Oriol’s Alt universe guys have large penis monsters. OH, why? Why that? Alt Marta has an incision on her belly. Alt Alfonso is really bloody and attacks OG Alfonso. Alt Alfonso sees Alt Marta. Her belly mouth opens up and it has a vaginal mouth thing and she does martial law, and it starts eating his head. OG Marta comes down, all covered in blood, and then she stabs OG Alfonso.
Back to our main stupid story. Some vatos are eating well, holmes. One guy kills everybody.
Bonestorm
Teenage boys videotaping skateboard stories. They get into a fight with other fighters. “Tijuana is fine now. All the drug dealers have left.” So there’s a hip hop song to The Mexican Hat Dance song. The guys go to Tijuana to do a new video. “Dude, remember when you did that sick kickflip and got more hits than porn?” This is all about young idiots trying to be famous. Creepy lady to where they are skating, and there is this big circle drawn, probably sacrificial. Creepy lady rips off a guy’s arm, and there is a guy chanting and weirdos are coming from all directions. The blood is burning. One of the creepers has a sword. He just got killed by a sword. This is soooooo fucking bad. So the skaters are trying to fight off everybody. I genuinely feel bad for anybody who found this good or entertaining. So 2 guys are alive, but they took out quite a few, but it sounds like a monster is coming near. I guess the dead ones are skeletons. They are fighting them off with skateboards.
Back to the boring main story. Some girl is taking her shirt off. He is recording her. He doesn’t recognize her. She pulls a gun to him. She takes his camera and makes him strip and mocks him. Oh, he put her video up without her permission. He grabs her by the throat and then a car gets air, flips, and lands on the cab. Someplace else, I think that is Kevin, and he is following a trail of cellphones. He finds a bunch of body parts and the ice cream truck which I thought was the ambulance. Kevin looks inside the of the truck, and there are cameras and monitors everywhere. He sees Iris on screen. She wants him to hit a switch, and he can’t. All the monitors start showing random uploads or what we just witnessed. Iris is hanging her head against a wall making herself bleed. She’s been outside, with a phone in her mouth.
End film
Wow…..what the hell guys? If I paid money to see this, I’d be absolutely livid. I loathed the whole wrap around story. This thing was a tragedy of epic proportions. Dante The Great was probably the best of an extremely bad bunch, it had a good idea, and executed adequately. This is as positive as I get. Parallel Monsters really worked for me the first half, but it got worse and worse, and it ended where you’d imagine it. Bonestorm, as a story is the worst thing I have seen all year, and it’s not even close. I fucking hated it on every level. Sooooo awful. Why did they do that story? The ending was also fucking terrible. This movie made me angry as all hell. Thank you, makers of this.
Final rating: 1.5 Yes, I mean it. The Bonestorm and encompassing story were negatives, and I considered going lower. Sorry, this was just really awful.
All the pictures used in this blog are for review purposes. They are the property of:
- The Collective Studios (presents) (as The Collective)
- Bloody Disgusting (in association with)
- 8383 Productions (as 8383 Productions LLC)
- Crafty Apes (produced in association with) (segment “Vicious Circles”)
- Bishop Studios LLC (segment “Dante the Great”) (as Bishop Studios)
- Sayaka Producciones Audiovisuales (segment “Parallel Monsters”) (as Sayaka Producciones, SL)
- AM Films (segment “Bonestorm”) (as AM Films, LLC)
- Studio71
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