This is the original, with Christopher Lee. I have never seen either this or the Nic Cage remake, so I wanted to do it properly. I am excited despite knowing a bit about it. I enjoy that this film has a 7.6 on IMDB and the Nic Cage has a 3.6. Can it be that bad? I’m even more excited now.
April 29, 1973
People are in church, some Christian church.
Sgt Howie shows up to Summerisle looking for a missing girl. This is private property, so he has to be like, hey, I’m an officer. The girl’s name is Rowan, and nobody claims to have known her. We are in Scotland. He needs to talk to May Morrison. The music…….I just……..I’m intrigued. We will go with that. So he goes to the post office where May has a candy shop as well. May’s daughter’s name is Myrtle, and she likes to paint. Howie asks her if she knows Rowan, and of course, she does. She hangs out in the field. Myrtle says that she’s a hare.
Howie goes to the Green Man Inn. Sweet local joint. He talks to the owner, Alder about getting a room for the night. Alder has his daughter, Willow, to show him to his room, but these fucking guys break out into this fabulous song.
Willow is mildly attractive. Howie is kind of a Debbie Downer, as he interrupts the song and wants his food now. Alder is also a unique looking gent, as is the large gent in green. Howie is bitching about the food, he’s such a malcontent. He goes outside and everybody is banging. 2 bare breasts! Sweet. There’s a fully nude lady at the graveyard, fantastic. At the inn, the big green dude is being a hoss.
Outside, Lord Summerisle (Christopher Lee) presents Ash Buchanan to Willow for the night. He tells her tomorrow is tomorrow, and tomorrow is the day of death and rebirth. This has such an interesting soundtrack. Lord refers to Willow as Aphrodite. His voice is amazing. We hear Willow getting pounded, so that’s good, while the inn people sing Gently Johnny.
Howie asks Willow where the school is and she says that she would expect that he will leave tonight, but he wasn’t sure. Another fucking song. This town has the best songs. This song is about a dude getting with a chick and dying and a tree grew from it, or so I think. The teacher is easy on the eyes. Woah, miss teacher lady is talking about how the maple represents. It represents the phallic symbol, the penis. What the fudge. He is pissed at her for teaching indecency. He talks to the girls and passes the picture around to the class. This guy is gon get it. None of the girls know who she is, but there is a desk with nobody sitting there. In the desk, they have a beetle tied to a nail and he goes in circles. He asks to see the list of students, and the teacher says that he needs permission, but he does what he wants, and see Rowan’s name in there, and that she lives at the Post Office, and that she obviously went to school there. At this point, do you just go get some back up considering everybody is lying to you? Miss Rose is the teacher’s name, and she is annoyed with him. She says that Rowan doesn’t exist, that they don’t use the word “death”. He is annoyed at how these people teach reincarnation as opposed to resurrection. She tells him where the body is.
At the graveyard, these headstones say some fantastic shit. Also, there’s a lady breastfeeding, and she has big tits, and I am not being a pervert and I respect her right to do it dammit!!! We kinda see her bare boob, I’m not counting it though. Oh and Howie has a hissy fit and makes a wooden cross for this grave. He’s a dink.
May just hate Myrtle put a frog in her mouth for like 3 seconds to make her feel better. He wants to see the book of all the births and deaths, and this lady gives him a hard time as he doesn’t have Lord’s permission. She knows who Rowan is but not how she died. I just saw a jar of foreskins. There are so many girls where you can talk yourself into seeing nipples. I am not counting any. These women sing a song about babies. How visits Lord Silverisle. Yeah, those girls were naked and jumping through fire. Howie tells him that he suspects murder, and Lord scoffs at him. So we learn that Lord’s grandfather bought this island a long while ago. His grandfather was into science and agriculture. Basically they have Pagan ideals there, to believe in the old gods and to worship and fear, and appease them. Howie is all hellbent on imposing his Christian beliefs. Wow, if this movie isn’t relevant in today’s society, I don’t know what is.
They dig up Rowan’s grave to find……a dead hare/rabbit. Oh boy. Miss Rose is singing with Lord, and Howie ruins the fun. Rose is like, I think Rowan would be happy with the transmutation. Howie tells Lord that he plans on leaving and reporting all of his findings. I guess tomorrow is a May Day celebration. Sweet. I can’t wait.
Howie is led out. He breaks into the place with the jar of foreskins as that is where pictures are made too. He sees a picture of Rowan with her crops that did shitty, so he suspects that she was sacrificed.
It’s night time, time to sing and see Willow’s sweet, sweet tits. Thank you. She is singing a seductive song about stroking him as soft as a feather. I like her style. She is beautiful in a very classic sense. Oh, and she was just shaking her ass. How did they possibly fuck up the remake? Damn, you can kinda see a bit more even. I may have a new favorite actress this month, behind Mrs. Mac in Black Christmas. That was the best scene I have seen this month. In the morning, Willow wakes up Howie, and she says that she invited him in last night, but he’s married. Good for him. I enjoyed her dance more than I would have enjoyed her boinking.
He reads about May Day rituals. This guy is dumb as hell. We see people in masks, as was depicted in what he just read. The guy rows the boat to Howie’s plane, but it’s not working. There is like 10 people in masks all hiding and watching. So he is staying. DUhhhh.
There’s the man horse outfit. Howie is chasing him. I believe that is green hoss. Awesome. Howie spies on the party, and Lord tells the town what the plan is and that they will sacrifice to appease the sun god. Howie bitches at May for not telling him anything as he fears that Rowan will be sacrificed, so he is breaking into everybody’s place to see i he can find her. Shiiiit, Miss Rose was nude and sexy. That’s like 5 I think. This search is hilarious.
He goes back to the inn for whiskey and a 30-minute rest, but Alder and Willow want to make sure he doesn’t interfere with tonight’s ceremony. Howie takes out Alder after Willow left. We have the parade, and it’s great seeing Lord in drag. Also, Howie has stolen Alder’s costume. This is is going as the book suggested. This is neat as hell. This will probably give me nightmares as well. The 6 swords are crossed and everybody goes in the center. This is a game of chance. The lady after Howie, her mask gets cut up. It’s Holly I guess and she is just thrilled.
They have huge kegs that they are sacrificing to the water. Kegs of ale. Now for the sacrifice to those who command the fruits of the Earth. We see Rowan high up, and Howie runs up, takes out one guy, and Rowan is telling him that she doesn’t like it here and what they are going to do, so she leads him in this cave as guys give chase, and we have sweet music. She is fucking leading you someplace good, you fool. They come out to see Lord, Willow, and Lord is proud of how she did, and Miss Rose, and May is there. Everybody is proud of her. Oh, the look on Howie’s face of confusion. Hahaha. The town needs to offer the best sacrifice they can. The whole town has been playing Howie the whole time. They need to sacrifice the right kind of adult, a fool, a man with the power of the law. The town is all there, and this is amazing. Oh man, Howie walks next to Hoss, and Hoss just pushed him and has him in a full nelson.
Rose says that he wants to act like a king, so he will be treated as such. Howie goes on about his resurrection, keeping the faith if you will. They take off his costume, clean him up, dry him off. All of this while they sing. They put paint on him and a white robe. He tells everybody how he believes in Jesus Christ. Good for him. Howie tries reasoning with these people that they are going to commit murder, and how there are no fruit or sun gods. The failed crops have more to with the bad soil. Christopher Lee’s voice is so good and full of conviction. Hoss has Howie tied up and is leading up a hill to the wicker man. This looks amazing. There is livestock in the arms and upper chest. Hoss is now fireman carrying Howie up a ladder. This is what Hoss trains for. They lock him in. Lord’s hair in the wind, delightful.
Howie is saying some religious stuff, and how they are accursed. Time to light it up. Now everybody is singing and dancing and so happy. Howie is singing the lord is my shepherd prayer. The flame is creeping up. It is engulfing the Wicker Man now. The town sings on.
End Film.
That ladies and gentlemen is how you fucking do a horror flick properly. Brilliant! Now that I have seen both, it’s night and day. This film is such a treat. I was already going to give this a high score, but I slept on it, and I’m giving it a really high score. Everything just worked for me. I love the feeling of good 70’s films. They feel more real to me than so much shit today. This was creepy, atmospheric, the sense of will he be smart enough to get out before it’s too late only to realize that was never an option, and the reality is that he was too stubborn to get help right from the beginning. I love that he held steadfast in his morals and beliefs, even in the direst of positions. On top of all that, you have the great songs, Hoss, and Christopher Lee.
Final rating: 7.5
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British Lion Film Corporation (presents) (as British Lion)
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