I’m not a religious man, but if I was, I’d be praying to whatever deity to help me get through what I am about to see. I have absolutely no confidence in this film, despite Cary Elwes being in it. Imogen Poots is the lead and she was in Green Room, 28 Weeks Later, and V For Vendetta. I don’t think this is going to go well. It’s 92 minutes. That is the single most positive thing that I can say. I have never seen this, but the trailers and reviews…..they are things that nightmares are made of. It’s on HBO, so at least I’m not spending money on it.
Start Film
The original Black Christmas was a fantastic film with lively characters. The remake had pretty girls at least. It also came out in 2006. Why did we need another reboot 13 years later? For fuck’s sake.
Oh cool, a bunch of girls acting obnoxious. Is this The Descent? Lindsay isn’t returning to the Christmas party. Her friend bought her a vibrator. Also, we have an evil fraternity because men are evil. Get used to that message…over and over and over again. Awww, Lindsay made a snow angel before being stabbed with an icicle and is dragged away. Oh, a cat too. One of the girls can’t find her diva cup. I didn’t know what it is. I then watched her slide it into her panties and I looked it up. God damnit. Riley is the main girl.
Do you know how to improve on this film? Just have the frat storm the sorority and tie up all the women and put them in Saw situations. That’s a film I could get behind. You can even have a final girl or three, no problem. Speaking of Saw, there’s Professor Gelson (Cary Elwes). There’s a petition to get him fired. Oh, they say that he Is racist and misogynistic. Wow, this bitch trying to get petitions, Kris, is the absolute worst type of human being. This movie is so woke, it’s trying so hard. I’m all for open-mindedness and treating everybody fairly and with respect. But these pushy mother fuckers can eat a big fat dick. If Kris lives, this film is getting a 1.0 rating.
I am going to spend as much of this review as I can to insult this shit. Oh God, a guy trying to rape a girl….I’m sorry, woman. Apparently the girls can say guys but guys can’t say girls. This is the retarded shit that makes this film so unappealing. And then there’s pinky swears, That’s very womanly. Oh my God, so many references to what Brian did to Riley. Okay, the cutesy anti-rape song worked on some weird level.
Slipping a bitch a roofie to fuck her isn’t cool. I think we can all mostly agree on that. “Why is Santa afraid to get stuck in the chimney? Because he’s Claustrophobic.” I’m really trying my best to find the positives here.
Less than an hour to go. I kinda like Franny, and feel that she’s as good as dead. Annnd she’s dead. You know, if you feel bad enough that you want to contact campus security, make just fucking do it instead of giving in to peer pressure. Good for Riley for actually going to security. This security guard is fucking great. His name is Gil. He’s a nice guy, I think. Was he supposed to be a bad person? It seems like every guy aside from Smoosh is set up to be a bad guy. Landon could be a good dude, but for such a man-hating film, I wouldn’t bet on it. Gelson startles Riley. Cary plays his role quite well, he never disappoints.
So Kris posted too much of their after performance on YouTube and Riley is pissed. She tells the girls that she’s been getting weird DM’s. Other girls have been too. Jess is really proud of her ham cooking skills. I kinda like Jess because she seems like a sweet girl who isn’t the smartest and isn’t full of herself.
Holy shit. Smoosh just became my favorite character. He is having some kind of headache. He basically calls out the girls asking them how they would have reacted if guys had done a song in a similar vein as what they did. And Kris just comes back with the tired bullshit of “because men have all the power”. Good for Smoosh for saying it like it is. Not all women or guys or people on the spectrum are bad. But people like Kris make women look bad, for example. And I have long said this. The loudest people are often the worst representatives for the group that they are representing. Loudmouths never get anything positive accomplished. Smoosh was so right.
Good, now the bitches are getting attacked. Riley is the best of the 3 girls remaining, and that isn’t saying much. They killed off all the decent female characters. One guy is a decent archer. Time for girl power I suspect. When will Landon’s big heel turn occur? I say around the 65th minute. Marty and Kris realize they forgot about Jesse. Also, where the fuck is the sorority mom character? She was the best aspect in the first one. Marty found a dead Jesse.
Smoosh returns and quickly gets killed. The assailant cut Riley’s face. Also, why are they so afraid to show violence and gore? Riley kills the guy with Smoosh’s keys. I guess it was the key to her success. That lame joke was better than anything in this movie.
Another dude shows up. There’s another. There’s no easy way out, there’s no shortcut home. Marty tried being a hero and got very hurt for her efforts. I will give her credit for not being dead yet. She still has the phone close by. I don’t really know what happened to her. If Kris doesn’t die, this film is probably getting a 1.0. Security is on their way to a different house and there are girls being assaulted there. Awww, Gil got got. Let’s take a moment to remember him.
Kris wants to split up. Good, you do that. Smoosh’s real name was Nate, I prefer Nate. Another dude has shown up. These fucking guys are terrible at killing these last two. He got suffocated via a bag. Another archer showed up.
So Riley’s theory is that these guys have all been turned into non-human pledges thanks to the founder’s bust. Oh, time to rag on the cops now too. Riley is a psycho. Riley insisted on getting out to go to the magical ceremony place. On her way, she runs into Landon. It’s at the 70 minutes mark. I was wrong. So he is going to help her. Kris is moping and driving and sees girls who have also been attacked. So now we have more women. UGH!!! I just want less people. Can’t Cary Elwes just kill everyone? Landon just flipped out because the frat ruined his mixer. Now Landon is surrounded and they offer to let him in their frat. This buys Riley some time. Now Landon has a bad headache just like Smoosh did. That is the Founder drawing out his true alpha. You read that correctly. Riley hears Helena and finds her. Haha, Helena was in on it and Riley gets knocked out.
Landon is now getting pledged in. Helena is pleased. Oh wow, Cary Elwes is the leader of this frat. No way! Oh god, this gets so bad. When the statue got removed, it unleashed a magical power in case women got too far out of line. Yeah…..that is a thing…….in this movie. Hawthorne left instructions on how to create a male army. So once the guys had this black goo from the statue, they became possessed by Hawthorne and had superhuman powers and would go after the women who stepped out of line. WHO THE FUCK WROTE THIS NONSENSE!!!!?
Obedient women will be spared. Helena is helping women. Good for her! Riley is given an opportunity to bow to the King. Hahaha, they killed Helena too. Riley bows and then attacks her assailant. The King has her by the throat. Oh god, here are the “sisters”. Here’s the girl power. Riley is reliving getting pinned down by Brian. Riley broke the statue, the king is dead, Kris set Cary on fire. Landon helps but doesn’t save Riley because that wouldn’t be empowering enough. The women and Landon escape and all the guys die and burn to death.
End Film
This movie is so fucking extreme to one side that even people like myself who believe in equality and women’s rights find this absolutely appalling and disgusting. Could you imagine a film with the roles reversed? It would be so loathed, and probably fucking awful. this is the reason why only the most idiotic fucks live in terms of extreme black and white with no willingness to budge. And propaganda like this does more long-term harm than good. I can only imagine younger guys watching this and feel victimized, which will then turn to anger and keep the cycle going. This shit here is an extreme form of sexism, plain and simple. Blumhouse should ashamed of themselves for being associated with it.
Final Rating – 1.0 – I told you that this would happen if Kris didn’t die. The only positives from this film was the song performance, which I thought was witty and well done, and Smoosh’s little speech. I also liked Gil. So I like 2-3 minutes. I hated probably an hour of it and felt neutral on the rest.
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