This may come as a surprise to you, but I don’t think I have ever seen a Critters film before. Looking at the cast for the original, it’s loaded. You have Dee Wallace as Helen Brown, M. Emmet Walsh as Harv, Billy Zane as Steve Elliott Lin Shaye as Sally, and Scott Crimes (voice of Steve on American Dad) as Brad Brown. That’s a solid cast. Stephen Herek is the director who is also known for Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure, Mr. Holland’s Open, The Three Muskateers, and The Mighty Ducks!!! He also directed The Chaperone starring HHH. Not his best moment. I rented that one and totally regretted it. I have no expectations heading into this. I do have half a sandwich to eat along with a banana.
Start Film
Okay, I just got a clue seeing the old-school New Line Cinema logo. We are starting off at Prison Asteroid – Sector 17. What did I get myself into? 8 Crite prisoners and they had to kill 2 originally because they were eating everything. Okay, really, what the hell have I gotten myself into? All 8 have escaped and stolen a ship. Time to get the badass bounty hunters. Oh wow. The warden hires 2 shapeshifters for bounty hunters. As you can imagine, the Crites are heading to Earth.
We meet the family Brown: Helen, Jay, and their kids April and Brad. They have a cat named Chewie. Okay, I like the dad so far. Ohhh, there’s M. Emmet Walsh. He’s in one of the original Tales From The Crypt episodes. Harv is the Sheriff and works with Sal (Lin Shaye is looking good here). Charlie is an alcoholic who hears things in his fillings. Jeff is another officer.
The Warden instructs the bounty hunters to be less destructive. Also, that Earth is the only planet in the solar system that can support life. Wow, some “Power of the Night” music video. This guy must be so proud of himself. The Bounty Hunter has transformed himself into Johnny Steele, the lead singer. Wow, just wow. The special effects are nice.
Brad apparently likes to make explosives. Steve is April’s boyfriend and he meets with Jay. The dude who plays Jay was Sheriff Landis in Jason Goes To Hell. That is why he looks so familiar. Steve’s hair game is terrible. Jay is a bowler. Dee Wallace is the perfect ’80s mom. April is a bit of a whoooore. Fuck you Black Christmas 2019! April makes Steve come up to the barn and Steve has hay allergies. I am the same way may, but I have better hair. And this is why Billy Zane ditched the hair and went for the shaved look by the time Demon Knight came out. They are in Kansas so why does Steve have New York license plates? Also, Charlie just saw the spaceship. Jay and Brad also saw it. They think it is a meteor. Jay’s bowling shirt has something similar to the Ghostbusters logo on the back.
The Critters are hungry. Jay and Brad are exploring, but they find something and Jay is like, we’re done until I get my gun. Jeff is flirting with Sal on the radio and Jeff sees something cross the road and he drives off the road. But what would it be? Jeff just got a dart in his leg and was dragged under his car. A Critter scared Chewie which in turn scared Helen and she dropped a plate. The bounty hunters have landed. The one bounty hunter has yet to morph.
Jay tries to call Harv, but the phone won’t work. Now the power is out. Jay finds a lot of wires torn or cut. And he finds…..a Critter. Jay is attacked. He got bit up and they shoot out quills. Another quill or dart. Who are we supposed to be cheering on here? The bounty hunters found Jeff, and that is what the other morphed into. They get into Jeff’s cop car and do some wacky things and off they go…in reverse. April and Steve are still rolling around in the hay. One of the cassette tapes said Herek Chainsaw Massacre, I think. Neat. Steve got bit.
Steve appears to be dead. Brad saves April. Brad threw a firecracker and the Critter ate it. The Bounty Hunters drive into a church. They start shooting up the joint. Jay is loading up the shotty. The Critters are getting bigger. Brad is a man of action. I like that. The Critters can say Fuck in their own language. How cute. The bounty hunters show up at the bowling alley, rip the door off the hinges. Their outfits are fantastic. Well, they can throw a bowling ball and shatter the pins. They start a fight by the bar and Charlie sees all this shit.
Helen is a little emotional, a little stressed, a little crazy. A Critter has infiltrated the house. The darts leave a nasty bump and make you very woozy. Brad appears to have taken one out. Brad throwing fire at them and then puts the fire out. Okay, that could have been worse. There have been 2 or 3 Critters taken out by now, right? Harv was just filled in on everything. He’s gonna have a busy night. Scott Grimes is a pretty decent kid actor.
I feel like Sega just copied the Critters, made them blue and less maniacal, and then you have Sonic. Am I wrong? Oh, that chick is gon get got. Oh man, I just saw an E.T. clock. I used to have one. Maybe that isn’t a clock, but I still had one. There’s a Critter that is human size and at least 3 others. Brad flags down the bounty hunters. Haha, the bounty hunter switched from Jeff to Charlie. And Brad recognizes Johnny Steele. Big Critter is grabbing April. Helen shoots a little guy. April is beyond useless so far as a character. Helen has wasted all the ammo. A huge explosion at the front of the house, it’s the bounty hunters. 2 Crites roll out of there. Plus big boy is still around, presumably. Brad has to save Chewie. Harv shows up now.
Harv, you should be bringing a shotty. Well, Johnny Steele killed one hiding in the toilet. Man, this film really likes lifting men off the ground. Charlie Hunter threw Harv. Those guys will shoot Chewie if he isn’t smart. Chewie is rescued, then pissed as big boy is in there. Big Boy has grabbed April. Brad is off to be a hero again. This movie makes you laugh at times. I’m having fun. The bounty hunters can’t start their cop car, and get in Harv’s and push him in the middle.
Okay, Big Boy and 2 little Crites remain. Charlie crashes into Brad’s bike. These 2 guys are fantastic. Hold up. Tell me I didn’t just see that. They are showing the big boy dragging April up the spaceship ramp. April is very clearly a doll/mannequin. It is like Married WIth Children level of comedy. Brad crawls in for the save. April has a dart in her neck.
Brad is going to try to set off an explosion in the ship. Biggie is pissed. They are going to take off. Charlie rescues the kids. Brad dropped his firecrackers. Charlie has a bottle of booze, so make a Molotov!! I’m happy with that. The Crites fly up and destroy the family home with a beam. And then the ship is exploded. Lots of explosions. Brad thanks the bounty hunters and Steele gives him some device to contact them again if needed.
Well, Chewie made it out unscathed. Brad gets a call or signal from his device. It gets windy and Chewie is pulled or dragged away. But wait…..the house is reassembling. Yes, that’s right. The house is fully reconstructed and Chewie is in the mailbox. And Bounty Hunters fly away. Harv drives away. Oh, we see 3 eggs by where the chicken was.
End FIlm
Okay, I’m not mad at that. Initially, I couldn’t understand why it has a 6.1 on IMDB. But I get it now. Not as good as Gremlins, but still fun. Just not as funny. This was more of an ensemble project while Gremlins was more dependent on its few leads. Hell, I would consider buying this if it went on sale. I’m terrified of how bad the sequels are, but this was fun.
As I said, Scott Grimes really shined brightest as Brad. Dee Wallace could have been better utilized. Jay, Harv, and Charlie were all played well. I enjoy Lin Shaye’s brief time on screen. April was the only character that didn’t offer anything, and that’s a shame. She could have had a couple of moments where she stepped up a bit more.
Final Rating – 6.3 – IMDB kinda got it right. That’s crazy that I am saying that, but it is true. The rating was pretty spot on. You have to get past the first 5-10 minutes of cheesiness to find a fun horror-comedy.
All the pictures used in this blog are for review purposes. They are the property of:
- New Line Cinema (presents)
- Sho Films (as a Sho Films Production)
- Smart Egg Pictures (in association with)
Please go find a copy and support the creators.