I think I am going to take a step back on this one and not be so wordy. We shall see if I get better feedback with this method or not. Of course, I should have probably picked a more popular film. Oh well.
We have newlyweds Paul and Bea and I believe they are in upset NY near the border for…. you guessed it their honeymoon. She reminds me of Ygritte from Game of Thrones. Oh….upon further inspection, she IS Ygritte from Game of Thrones. OK, my interest level has increased. I am glad that her top is already off, but not the bra. Her skirt is fugly. Why can’t this dude be Kit Harrington? I’m mad at this movie for not having the foresight to do that. This movie does have nudity. Thank you!
So they have a very bland first night together at her family’s old cabin. Lots of stuff dealing with ducks. It’s stupid. Oh god, now they are talking about her womb and nobody cares. She gets all weird. Whoever wrote this clearly has dealt with women in their life based on how she instantly went mopey into the living room, the guy sensed it, sighs and goes to make her smile. The guy who plays Paul is Dr. Frankenstein on the Showtime series, Penny Dreadful, ya know, in case you watch that. Oh? Nobody watches it because it is dull as fuck? Gotcha. I really wanted to love that show.
We are a 10th of the way through, and can we be done establishing these 2 unless this nonsense will play a role later in the film, which I have my doubts. So they go out on a boat and he tosses the anchor over, forgets to tie it to the boat. She makes the save. Time to go for a cold swim, and she isn’t nude yet. Bare ass, side boob,…..his bush. It’s shower time. If I may be so bold as to complain about nudity for a moment, I feel that there are actual times and places for nudity, it is used to set something up or progress the story. This did nothing, it was just…..I don’t know.
They go to a restaurant, and some grumpy dude names Will breaks a lamp and says they are closed. Then Will recognizes Bea, they knew each other as kids. He is almost too like loving towards her in a creepy way, but he is married. He tells them that he will get them some food, but then Annie shows up and tells them that they have to leave now, she looks pissed and panicky. So Will smooths it over and they bounce. Will also kept calling her Trixie. We find out that they were summer friends when they were 13. Of course, this becomes the topic of bedtime. Of course. I hope Annie rapes them both.
Paul wakes up really fucking early when the lights start surging on and off and is gonna go fishing. It’s 3:45. He dumps all of his worms like a jackass. He comes back in to tell her that his alarm went off too early. But now he can’t find her. He thinks that she is hiding, but starts noticing some weird shit, like a bug, and a door slightly ajar. This could be getting good, maybe like The Strangers, that would work for me. He goes outside looking for her and sees a series of lights and he follows them. He says this isn’t funny, but I disagree. I mean, if I was him, I’d be totally pissed, and terrified because my vision at night is awful and I’m clumsy. I guess for Ygritte I’d venture a little. He finds a body standing by a tree, it looks like Bea. She is standing there naked. It would be sooo much better if I had turned my light off so that this dark shit was easier to see. She just stands there, curls her toes, and he touches her and she screams, and he brings her back to the cabin. OK. She claims to have been sleepwalking. Sir, run. Run now. Run fast. Run as far away as possible. I know a little something about crazy bitches, they are terrifying. So run. Wait, on second thought, I don’t really like this guy, so go ahead and stay.
Haha, she is fucked in the head, she was making French Toast but never battered the bread. She claims that she is fine. He says after all of these years sleeping together, she has never sleepwalked. She tells him that she at least made him coffee, but it is just water. Curious.
He goes to kiss her and then her thighs but she has like 3 or 4 straight marks and she freaks out, look like bites. She claims they are mosquito bites, and she acts all defensive and says she is gonna take a sleep. Those marks look weird, maybe there are only 2. I really wish I had nachos. He goes out in the woods while she is napping and he finds her nightgown, and it has 2 holes in and like some translucent slime on it. Weird. He comes back and there is like a video camera rolling, but nobody notices it. It’s the video from the opening of them talking after the wedding, ok. Bea is in the bathroom talking to herself, rehearsing her telling Paul that she wants to go to sleep and fake a headache. So there is more to the womb thing, I assume, than meets the eye.
MMM, toasting marshmallows. She is mowing them fuckers down. Yeah, I said I wouldn’t be wordy, but I am failing. Hey, it’s board game and beer time. Sweet. They are gonna play Yahtzee. He rolls a small straight and says that he will take that as his chance, after one roll. Sorry, but shit like that annoys me. He goes to make out and they start kissing, and sure enough, she claims to have a headache. He pulls away from her, and she asks if he is upset. Uhmmm, yeah, he wants to pound you and you lied to him. Duh. This whole headache nonsense, it doesn’t fly with me. It’s a bullshit excuse. She is about to give him a BJ. But he stops her and asks her to put on the special honeymoon nightgown. She says that she can’t, and she has all of these weird excuses. The fuck? He should have taken the BJ and been happy unless she is as bad at giving head as she is at lying and making excuses. This film is too unrealistic for me. I have never known women to lie this much and make up this many excuses.
At night, she gets up out of bed, and he is awake but pretends to be asleep. He goes to follow her. She suddenly pops back in the room, and he asks her where she was going, and she said that she was getting a drink. She asks if he is just going to stand there, so he asks her where her glass is. She rolls over and ignores him. Now there is a weird light coming in through some of the windows. We are past the halfway point now. Paul gets the gun and he goes outside, but now there is no light, but something did just move outside, so Paul goes after it. He fires his gun into the air. This wakes up Bea who turns the light and startles Paul. He tells her about how he went back in the woods earlier in the day, found the nightgown. She is acting all confused. He knows the footprints weren’t either of theirs, and he knows somebody is outside looking in at them. He asks if she met Will. She acts all indignant. She is getting pissed at him because it wasn’t him and he is ruining “this”. I admit I may be sympathetic towards this jackass after all. He stays up all night in the living room while she goes back to bed. He keeps turning on and off a light. He sees something outside, I think, but I can’t tell. She won’t fall asleep.
The next day, she starts scribbling a notebook repeatedly, “My name is Bea” and he asks her what she is doing and she closes the book. She tries to help him in the kitchen, but this guy is just getting to that point. All the lies that a woman will tell you will eventually turn you bitter and pissed. Ewww, those “bug bites” look fucking awful. She is going to go fishing, and he is going to stare from afar. Nope, he joins her on the boat. He tells her that he wants them to leave and go back to the city. She is all confused, and he makes valid points. “She doesn’t want to fight.” Alright, he unzips her shorts and puts his hand down there. She has a ton of blood suddenly soak her shorts. He said that they monitored her cycle so that they wouldn’t run into this problem on the honeymoon. Hmmm, smart idea to keep track of your period. Really, fucking smart. So the question is, WHY are you bleeding and have bruises on your thighs? He says they are leaving. He wants her to pack her bags, he is gonna bring her to get help. He decides that he is going to go confront Will. Allllllright.
He goes there and sees Annie outside with a bunch of rope walking out to the dock, and it is getting dusk out. And things just got cool. So he approaches her, she acts startled and falls. He asks if she’s ok. She says her name is Annie. He asks where her husband is. “His name is Will.” Paul asks where he is, and she tells him that he is hiding. And she has similar marks on her legs. She says he is not safe, “We will hurt you”. She gets on the boat and takes off. He sees Will’s hat, floating in the lake, and it has a big bloody spot. Paul checks the place out, nobody is answering, and he sees a video camera by the door, like a surveillance camera. Paul is searching around in the dark and finds like an office. He watches the surveillance footage on the computer, sees Annie walking around a lot, he sees the weird lights, and there is also a cage, like for a dog or other animal. And the power goes off. We are getting close to figuring out what is up, so I’d say if you are into this, maybe go watch it instead of reading these spoilers. Or maybe this movie has a stupid twist, I don’t fucking know.
OK, the lights keep flickering, like a power surge, just like before. On the walls, he sees notebook papers’ One repeatedly says “My name is Annie” and another says “My husband’s name is Will”. Is this a sweet little homage to The Shining? Well upon rewinding, there’s a bunch of these pages hanging on the wall. “My name is Annie. My husband’s name is Will. This is my home and my restaurant.” We see this very quickly due to inconsistent lighting thanks to the power surges, but you owe it to yourself to get an hour and 2 minutes into this film, just for this. I think it is the creepiest part of the film. I dig it.
Yes, this movie has gotten me to switch from laying down to sitting up. Always a good sign. I am waiting for the damn inevitable jump scare though. The pages are covered in the slime too. As Paul goes to leave, there is a shadow of a person in the window. He comes back and goes straight for her notebook. He asks her who she is. He keeps asking her who she is, I assume he is waiting to find the correlation for the nickname Trixie. Damn this blog, I keep pausing so I can type.
You’ve gotta be shitting me, my internet just slowed the fuck down, shitty buffering. COME ON!!!! There’s like 20 minutes to go. He asks her who he is? She says her husband, and he asks who he is, and she has to start like reciting what she wrote down because she can’t remember. She is reciting everything that she has written in the book. Cool. Are we gonna get some aliens or monsters or something here? Wait, she lives on Kent Street!!!! Shiiiiiiit nigga, that’s all you had to say.
He tells her that Annie is writing the same thing, he brought a few of them back with him. He is asking why she is writing these things that she clearly knows about herself. Why are they writing the same things, why do they have the same marks, why are they both waking up at night? She asks him why he had to do all of this searching around. He asks about Will’s hat. He asks what she is going to do to him. She says that she is going to protect Paul. He is done, he is looking for the car keys, but they aren’t on the keyring. A door closes shut. She has locked herself in the bathroom. She just had a poker or something up her vagina and is bleeding like crazy. He breaks through the door. She won’t tell him what is happening. She trying to erratically get him out of there. He won’t, so she takes off to the bedroom. He says that he loves his honey bee, and asks her what she says, but she doesn’t know. “We don’t know” is her response. He pins her down on the bed, but she tosses him off the side and starts tying him up. Wait, no he is tying her up.
He has tied her down to the bed. He just wants things to be normal. Suddenly we see that she has slime on the side of her head. Or maybe she was just crying. Nope, that is slime. She is trying to free herself. He now is sitting with his back to a window, I don’t like that. He asks her where they went on their first date and she can’t remember that. He keeps asking all of these questions, and she doesn’t know. She knows where he proposed, she has that memory at least. Or not. She said that he proposed while camping after eating smores and the stars in the sky, blah blah blah. Wrong! They were sick in bed, but she only remembers the stars. He is asking what happened to his wife. He inspects her toes, her knees, and they are normal. Slowly creeping up. She smells the same. Tastes the same. But she is still different. EWWW, he just had like his whole fucking hand up in her, and it comes up all slimy, and not in a remotely good way. He tells her to help him by getting out. But he goes back in her and starts pulling something out. OK, like…..I don’t even know, like a weird first part, and then it’s a long-ass tube-like body. It’s like a huge ass parasite, and he removes it and he leaves the room, and that thing just fucking moved. My interest is at a peak right now.
So he is walking away from the bedroom trying to clean the grossness from his hand, and she comes out like 5-10 seconds later, and says that something bad happened to her. WAIT? How did she free herself? She explains there was a light outside, but she couldn’t see so well and there were dark bodies, and they went inside of her, and then they left. She couldn’t see them anymore, but she could still feel them inside of her. She knows what they want, and she knows what she is supposed to do. She wanted to tell him, but she wasn’t allowed. She just wanted these last few days. “My body is here, but I am leaving. They are taking everything. They are taking Bea.” She won’t leave with him, she just wants him to stay with her. She keeps saying that he can’t. “Do what we told you” and then a light shines on her face. “We don’t need you, we don’t have any more time. They’re going to get rid of you.” She insists that she has to hide him. He won’t let her hide him. He is insistent, so she knocks him out.
He wakes up tied up in the boat. She is on the boat with him. He asks what they are and she informs him that she is saving him. He wants to go back to the college. “I’m going to hide you, under the water.” She drops the anchor. “They can’t reach you there.” He tells her that he can’t hide under the water, and he puts up a fight, but she drops him in the water. She stares down at the water.
She returns to the cabin and is watching the video again. She is all fucked up looking!!! The light shines in and she gets up. At the door is Annie, also looking awesome. They start to walk outside, and the light keeps shining. And they approach a shadowy figure with the light shining. We hear a flashback clip about being in love.
End film.
It’s funny when I look back to see just how much I bitch during a movie I get attached to, and how wrong I am about things. I like to do this stream of thought though because everybody writes reviews after the fact and can come off all smug and arrogant. Not me! I write it and look back in embarrassment over how wrong I am sometimes. This film didn’t waste my time, although it felt like it did, but everything was there for a reason. I don’t think you can ask for anything more. I could have gone for like 3 full minutes of her nude, but we are splitting hairs at that point. I liked the direction that they went with it. I didn’t want it to be like a monster, in the sense of a werewolf for instance, or a sloppy vampire. Parasites/aliens were the right call. All in all, I can’t believe it, but I am giving this a 6.9. I was that impressed by it.
All the pictures used in this blog are for review purposes. They are the property of:
Please go find a copy and support the creators.