Uh oh, this movie came out in 1993, one of the worst times in horror history. I expect nothing good to come from this.
This starts off in a military complex. We have 3 colonels, and none of them is named Guile. Street Fighter 2 in case you didn’t know. Their names are Peck (old guy), John (younger guy), Sinclair (chick). Hey, there’s our young adult demographic. This guy has a coat on similar to something I used to own and has a plaid shirt underneath. Yup, it’s the early 90’s. His name is Curt. His chick is Julie, and she has a friend named Mindy. Curt has his dad’s key card, his dad is John. Julie is wearing cut off jean shorts and a leather jacket. Kelly Bundy would approve.
These scientists have a cadaver that is wearing some that Borat would wear. So Julie and Curt are observing these scientists doing some experimentation. You’d be shocked to know that they used some gas to bring the body back to life. The scientist shot him in the head with some bullshit high tech gun, and he dead. Julie is turned on by this, creepy bitch. They leave the facility.
Hey, the guy came back to life and is killing the scientists. Well, he killed one, and the other 2 put him down. Oh, now the dead scientist is re-animated. He just chomped on the calf of another scientist. The remaining scientist has a whole in the thigh of his thigh.
Curt and Julie were supposedly fucking, but his pants are on and she still has panties on. Really, what the fuck. I mean, why make it sound like you fucked if he has jeans on and she has panties. I get it, technically he could have whipped it out and could have pulled her panties to the side, but you’re in bed, like do that shit properly. I could have gone for seeing her ass, but her boobs were nice. Awww, Curt’s dad says that they have to move, John is being transferred to Oklahoma City. Curt is all like, I ain’t going, and John is like you disobedient bastard. The only thing Curt packs is his drum sticks. They get on his motorcycle and was all turned on by her man’s passion, so she grabs his dick while there is a big truck oncoming, so apparently, he forgot how to drive, and they hit guardrails and she flew off, and slammed into a pole, hehe, and now she dead. Now for some really…..”fine acting”.
So what’s a nigga to do? He breaks back into the facility because, well he thinks he’s gonna re-animate Julie. This is a great idea. So he just opens up one of our infamous barrels from before of Trioxin, and it just goes all over the place. Hey, she came back to life. She doesn’t remember much. She feels numb and her neck hurts. They come in contact with a deformed zombie. A big black guy with a fresh haircut is after Julie and Curt, but the zombie takes him out. Julie and Curt escape on his bike.
There’s a really lame scene at a convenience store. She’s hungry, nothing tastes good. Some gringos playing an arcade game with them trouble The gringos and the Filipino whore rob and shoot the store owner. So the gringos take off. Curt and Julie’s bike got tipped over, so he’s too stupid to just get it off the ground. They steal the store owner’s van, so he asks for them to take him to the hospital. Well, the cops show up and since Curt and Julie have an APB out for them, they take off. The cops start shooting. The store owner opens the back door to the van to get the cops’ attention, and they blow off the top of his dome. Julie is still hungry. Obviously she eats his brain. Curt and Julie bail, and leave the van. 2 cops find the van, and they open it and store owner jumps out and goes a biting the cops. The military shows up. That whole thing, I get the point, to show that she likes to eat brains now and not hostess Snowballs, but still, it took a long time.
Normally I side with the guys in movies, but not this one. He’s a complete dumb fuck, and I sympathize with her. She is getting bitched at for wanting brains and being hungry, and she is like, you made me this way. Well, yeah, he’s a dink. Julie is on a ledge, wants to kill herself, but there is a black guy lurking in the shadows. Of course, there is. She leaps off into the water. Curt climbs down after her. Homeless black guy follows them.
The gringos realize one guy got bit by Julie and the bite looks bad. The black guy talks to Curt and is speaking all kinds of weirdness. They find Julie. Black guy is the best part of this movie along with Julie’s tits. I wish Jimmy Smits was one of the gringos. Speaking of, the gringos have tracked down Curt, Julie, and the black guy, known as Riverman.
Sinclair is now in charge, John has lost authority. Sinclair is hellbent on fucking some fools up. Riverman is fucking brilliant. The past 5-10 minutes have been awful. The gringos have found the Riverman, and Santos is fucking with Riverman. Here comes Curt to save the day. Baseball bat with Curt has made him a hoss. But Julie is hungry I am willing to bet. They need to stop hurting Riverman goddamnit. There’s Julie, and she is different, to say the least. She cuts and slices, nails through her skin, just to feel some pain to satiate her hunger. One asshole just hit Riverman in the head with the bat. Hey, boobs again. That’s cool. Now Riverman got shot. Fucking bullshit. The bitten gringo has passed out. Santos is gonna try raping Julie, poor decision, sir. Out comes her holding his head with the spine still attached. Gringo with a gun shot her 3 times, that didn’t help, his lips and chin got ripped off. Filipino girl tried escaping, nope. First Julie, then the bitten gringo. Now Santos is back alive. Riverman pulls Curt and Julie into a room. Riverman is trying to help. He’s awesome.
Riverman with a sledgehammer. Julie is hungry again, and she is asking Curt to tie her up. He ignores her request. Riverman is gonna take Julie to safety, Curt is gonna fight off the gringos breaking do the door and barricade. I hate Curt. Fucking Curt catches up to Julie and she has eaten Riverman. Fucking hell. I want Curt dead in the worst way. I don’t blame Julie at all. Curt the coward lets the military take out all the gringos, then steps aside so daddy can put down Julie when she asked him not to leave her. I truly hate him. Fucking coward. Either you put her down Old Yeller style, or you let her eat you.
Curt visits the facility, and they are experimenting with all of the zombies they gathered up, turning them into controlled soldiers so to speak. Ya know what? This whole last 10-15 minutes is an utter clusterfuck of epic proportions. Zombies get let loose. Riverman helps Curt and Julie one last time. Curt gets bitten. The facility is set for lockdown, so Curt’s dad is keeping a door open for Curt. But Curt just got bit by a random zombie, so there’s no point. Cut and Julie enter an incinerator holding hands. Sigh. That was fucking terrible. I wanna erase this movie from memory, but only know to never see it again. Is that asking too much? Probably.
In conclusion, this movie did its own thing. It tried really hard to stray away from the comedy, but instead of being horror, it was a love story with zombies. Fuck that. Seriously, FUCK THAT. If you want to do a romantic zombie film, you can do better and not have it be a sequel to a cheesy franchise. People coming into the film expecting a good laugh were very disappointed I’m sure. That movie let me down. It wasn’t poorly made, well it kinda was, but nothing glaringly bad. I’d say a 4.5, and not recommending it, but maybe this sounds fun to you.
Final Rating: 4.5
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