Well, this one and the next one got a 3.2 at IMDB. I am prepared for the worse here. Here’s the thing, I know if I don’t tackle these now, they aren’t ever getting done. Let’s see what is happening so far.
We have some people in Chernobyl. There are some dudes checking out this place, and there are 3 Trioxin barrels. And there’s 3 more. So there’s your plot I suppose. Some dude, I think he’s American, he wants to buy all 6 barrels. One Russian, Nicolai, is upstairs with 3 barrels, and he touches the goo. He turns into a zombie and attacks the other Russian. The American shoots them and bounces. Then there’s a car accident, assuming with American.
Now we’re in the US. Some There’s a young kid, his older brother, and Uncle Charlie. Older bro is Julian, younger bro is Jake. There’s some girl named Becky, she has pigtails. Some other blonde is named Mimi, and she does gymnastics. Then there is Katie, who has broken up with Zeke I think. Then the token named Cody. There is some super company named Hybra-Tech. Apparently Julian’s parents both died working for that company. Zeke is jealous of Julian and Katie’s friendship. Ohhhh, the dialogue. “Hey Katie, you’re going with me to the movies tonight to see Leo’s new one” – Becky.
Sometimes, you simply have to skip over crappy scenes with crappy music because they are crappy action sequences with idiots riding dirtbikes and crashing and knocking themself unconscious. Zeke is the one who is unconscious.
At Hybra-Tech, I get a distinct Resident Evil feeling. Some scientist is experimenting on a zombie and feeds him brains.
Sweet, a bum named Crusty and his bum friend Joey. There’s a gas leak, it turned Joey into a zombie and the animal that they were roasting came to Oh Zeke had a bad reaction to pain meds and was announced DOA. I’m not buying that entirely. Katie works at Hybra Tech and saw on the camera that Zeke got taken out of an ambulance and brought in to Hybra-Tech. I am just referring to it as HT from this point forward. Well, Token is a computer hacker guy apparently. He got into HT’s database and found that Zeke is there. There’s another guy with our group, I think his name may be Carlos. These characters are mostly loath able.
WAIT, what in the fuck? Suddenly Godsmack’s “I Stand Alone” is being played. Fuck this film, fuck it so far in its anal cavity. That song belongs to one film, and one film only, The Scorpion King starring The Rock. Oh, I am livid, like blind rage fury that this great song is in this terrible fucking film. AND, just to make matters worse, the song didn’t go with the scene. Do these directors think at all? You use that song when a dude is about to face the world on his own, think Denzel in Man On Fire, Maximus in Gladiator, Jason Voorhees in any Friday the 13th. Not when you have 6 idiots teaming up together on their dirt bikes to come rescue their fucking friend. Any feeling of neutrality has gone the fuck out the window. Long live The Scorpion King, one of only 2 movies I have seen in a theater 3 times.
So zombies can die with gunshots to the head now. Uhmmmm, no, that is not the canon that this franchise has laid down for us. There are fucking rules for horror films. If you establish it, you cannot change it without explaining it and it better make some good fucking sense. I hate this fucking movie. Mimi is keeping Katie’s coworker Hector busy by teasing her sweet bod. Hector is a perv, so I like him. These 5 idiots are working on breaking in. I am on the verge of a Sam Kinison rant here. I don’t know who this other guy is. I must have missed them adding Carlos and this other guy. Becky is such a nitwit of a character, and not in a good way. I’m hungry.
So these idiots are in the vents now. Hey, there’s Julian’s younger brother apparently also breaking in. Why? I don’t know. And now they are in a room full of guns. And now they have run into Uncle Charles. He continues to lie to everybody, and Charles is a creepy fucker. I shit you not, he takes them down to the necropolis. He tells them to stay in the middle of the walkway, not to get too close to the doors, it angers “them” Less than a second later, Becky open one of the door where you can just see the face, and of course there is a zombie there. God, I fucking loathe her and this mother fucking movie.
OK, they found Zeke. Now Carlos sets off the alarm to free Zeke. The alarm has been set. Token says, hey, you guys gotta see this, it’s some weird zombie nursery. The alarms are going off, let’s check out the other random rooms. Who the fuck wrote this, and why have they not been banned from anything film-related ever again. Every time Julian asks questions, Charles says he knows nothing. So Carlos becomes a hothead, threatens Charles, and then he comes clean. This has happened 3 times in the last 10 minutes. We find out Julian’s parents have been kept there all along. Then Charles locks them in the nursery. Katie finally turns off the alarm. Carlos shoots the lock so they can escape, setting off the alarm again. While Katie is trying to undo the alarm, she accidentally releases all the zombies. Somebody just got bit. They are back in the weapon room, and time to crawl in the vents.
The zombies are killing everything in their path. Good. Kill the director, the producer, the studio, the editor, the actors, everybody. Julian is insistent on finding his parents. While finding out if Token and Carlos are on board with this plan, each guy has his supportive spiel, and then pump their gun trying to look like badasses. Hello Mimi, she is in her bra, looking lovely.
30 minutes to go??? Are you fucking me? Zeke is with Becky and Jake. Zeke has been bit, and he is starting to get angry. That’s how I feel at least 4 hours of every day. Mimi and Hector just got it. Katie is on her own. Oh god, the same person that directed this also directed the next film. He also did Eight Legged Freaks which I found surprisingly entertaining as I didn’t take it remotely seriously, plus there’s an awesome version of Itsy Bitsy Spider by Joey Deluxe at the end of it. Yeah, I don’t even know how I remembered his name like instantly. Fucking Carlos just got got.
Becky is trying to fire her gun with the safety on. Zeke has was looks like an SMG perhaps. I don’t know my guns all that well aside from in video game terms. Jake is getting attacked in a vehicle. Becky can’t get a clear shot, she asks Zeke for help. Zeke turns on the radio instead and Becky shocks/stuns Jake which gets the zombie off of him. Zeke is burning up, has a bad headache I guess. He is turning. He turned, he wants Becky’s brain. Sigh.
20 minutes to go. This is the sorta shit we should use to torture terrorist, play it nonstop for 30 days and I bet they’d be terrified to ever fuck with us ever again. Julian finds his parents, who don’t look so much human as much as they look like the fucking Predator. They are like cyborg zombies with all these weapons attached to them. Uncle Charles has let them out and he is so pumped.
Katie is in a Hummer and finds Julian and Token at a really convenient time. Becky and Jake are holding their own….and as I typed that, Jakes got his brains eaten by Zeke. Wow, great timing!! Katie has found Becky and the now-dead Jake. Julian’s parents are attacking the hummer. Becky throws a grenade. What? Why?
Zeke and Julian have a standoff. Zeke talks some shit. Julian’s mom shows up. So we have the Zeke/Julian showdown while Becky and Token take on the mom. Zeke is like a normal person, just undead I guess. Oh, thank you, Netflix for emailing me that Hunger Games 2 is now available because I give 2 fucks about a stupid fucking movie. Thank you, I sincerely appreciate it. I don’t know where Katie is. Becky took out mom by being clever even though she dumb as all hell. The military or security show up and start mowing down these zombies. Oh, there’s Katie, she is hugging Julian. Haha, Katie got hit, she is bleeding out the mouth. Awww, I am so happy, but would have preferred Becky getting got.
Hey, it ended. It finally fucking ended. Is this the feeling of elation when you bust your nut for the first time? Not quite, but really close, really fucking close. I hated the movie. Don’t watch it, just don’t. I am giving it a 2.9, because 3.0 seems too generous. Actually, no, 2.3. That feels more accurate. Time to eat a pork chop. Fucking film.
In conclusion, no, this movie doesn’t get off the hook this easy.
1. In a movie, you establish rules. If you are at the 4th installment, those rules are clear. You MUST give an adequate explanation to change something, especially the way in which you can kill the zombies.
2. The dirtbike riding scene felt like the Italian Job.
3. All characters except Mimi and maybe Katie were flat out awful.
4. Uncle Charles, why _____?
I don’t know.
Carlos threatens
Truth
Rinse repeat
5. I stand alone while a group gets together to infiltrate a facility. You are a fucking group. I mean, what the fuck?
6. Becky
I’m giving this movie a 2.0. Sorry, it’s fucking unforgivably foolish.
Final Rating: 2.0, 2.3, or 2.9 depending on mood apparently
All the pictures used in this blog are for review purposes. They are the property of:
Please go find a copy and support the creators.