This is a tough movie to talk about properly. I have to say this, I am not making fun of the real-life people involved in this, it sucks what happened. I am not a completely heartless bastard….most of the time. Still, I need to be a snarky dick at times, so I wanted to get this out of the way now.
Start Film
So we start off with this beautiful underwater scene with people exploring the wreckage, and this is modern-day 90’s. They are in these subs that are pretty sweet actually. James Cameron may make take a lot of shit from assholes like me, but he does make a visually stunning film, so I will give him props. This is actually one of the better scenes in the whole film, mainly because it’s not terrible. It’s nice to see some of the remnants from the ship, all the small details that really make this opening scene worthwhile. I especially enjoyed the piano, not sure why, but I did. They discover a safe and everybody is super pumped, so they bring it up, and they find lots of papers, pictures, and clay. One is the infamous drawing of Kate Winslet’s tits., and the necklace of course.
Now we go to this place with an old lady who is crafting a clay pot and hears something on the TV about the Titanic discovery. Wait a second, they can show a drawn nipple on TV? They could do this back in the ’90s, but American Horror Story still can’t show tits???? The fuck? Oh, the old lady is Rose, the lady who’s tits we just saw. What a TWEEST!!! M Night probably saw this in the theater and blew his wad as soon as that was revealed.
They fly her out to the boat because this is some important shit right here. Rose is checking out her titty drawing and has a quick flashback. Our main explorer guy, Brock (played by the awesome Bill Paxton) has a really thick sweater. These are important things that you need to know. Anyway, Rose checks out stuff, as you’d expect, sees all of her fancy shit, and she’s all super nostalgic. Beardo shows Rose this computer-animated take on how the ship sank. Of course, they want her to share her experience. Let’s do the Time Warp again.
Honestly, the movie could have ended here, and I would have been satisfied.
Back to 1912, and the best thing I can say is that there’s a 9 Deuce in that number. We see the massive amount of people ready to board the ship. Rose is a choice piece of ass, as is Billy Zane. I love Billy Zane, especially in Tales From The Crypt Demon Knight. He plays a great dickhead. Oh, lots of chatter about how sinkable it is. Was that the selling point? I’m being serious. Like, were there ads to get on a boat that wouldn’t sink. Imagine the ads. “Are you sick of your boat sinking when going to America? We were too! That’s why we invented a brand new boat, and it is unsinkable (and the word unsinkable would be flashing).” Billy Mays would have been doing the commercial.
Now we meet Jack (Leo) and Fabrizio who win some card game, and they are broke-ass fools heading to America. Cue the music and the excitement, and yeah. Time to set sail. I wish Styx “Come Sail Away” was playing at the moment. We are 30 minutes in. We have a rich chick who is banging Billy Zane, who is a dick. We have a young, fun, exciting, and dreamy poor boy. Oh, and we have Kathy fucking Bates, who I still adore when she’s doing horror. We get to see all the guys shoveling coal and the ship is going. Fucking hell, I’d lose 3 chins if I was doing that type of labor.
Jack and Fabulous are up top doing the whole “I’m the king of the world” bullshit. Like, why isn’t that part more packed? It strikes me odd just a bit. Rose tries smoking, but her mom and Cal aren’t having it, so Molly Brown has to crack her joke. Kathy Bates was truly perfect for this role. I gotta say, the casting was pretty exceptional for this. Jack sees Rose for the first time, and Fab and Tommy are picking on him, basically saying that he has no chance. The reality is that dumb bitches love a project so they can take credit for making the man something better. Man, I’m jaded.
Rose has her crying and running meltdown in that lovely dress, and I know what we are thinking: “Jack, just come up from behind and rape dat ass.” Instead, she is ready to jump off and kill herself because being rich isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be per the social commentary that James Cameroon is trying to shove down our gullet like Jack should have shoved his wang down Rose’s gullet. Jack goes to stop her, saying that he has to jump in after her, blah blah blah, water is cold, we get it. Well, he talks her off from the precipice of disaster, but she slicks, and she dies, and then we go back to modern-day and come to find out, Rose is a ghost and she is haunting Bill Paxton. I wish.
Well, security shows up and give Jack the business, including Cal. “Women and machinery do not mix” says one of the gents. Tell that to the ladies and their cell phones nowadays, am I right ladies??? Yeah, I am. Cal invites Jack to dinner to regal them with his heroic tale.
Cal gives Rose the big ass necklace to try to make his girl happy, but as always, can’t ever please a woman with objects. It’s gotta come from the heart fellas. Girls aren’t materialistic, duhhhh. Hang on, I need to watch a Kay Jeweler commercial to make sure that she will only say yes if I drop a few grand on a ring. My mac and cheese is incredibly good. If I had to choose this mac n cheese or Rose’s tits, I may opt for the mac n cheese.
Rose is blathering on to Jack, and he asks her if she loves Cal, and she is not giving a direct answer. This is so unlike a woman to be indecisive and angry when called out. Oh, and then while being angry, she admires his drawings because artsy guys are super deep with beautiful souls. Lots of tits and some bush, he’s a fucking pervert. Oh, there’s some hairy armpits, delightful. Rose’s panties are getting soaked looking through his drawing book. I used to have a wrestling coloring book. See ladies, I’m super deep and have a beautiful soul too.
Catty bitches don’t like hanging out with poor Molly. Jack is teaching Rose how to spit, not worried about her swallowing. This is really how all of these blogs are going to be, a series of lewd comments. Molly helps out Jack with a nice suit for the big dinner with Rose’s posse. Oh, he cleans up so nicely, even I’m beginning to tingle in my no-no area. Blue Danube is playing as Jack makes his way down the lavish staircase, looking all dapper. Good song choice. I may have gone with ZZ Top’s Sharp Dressed Man or Salt N Pepa’s “Whatta Man”, but to each their own. Cal gets a nice insult in on Jack, and this is why I like him. Think about how cool this movie could have been if suddenly Cal went on a murder spree, like a slasher flick. You’d have Cal take out everybody pretty much, and it’s down to Cal, Jack, Rose, and Molly. Molly warns Jack and Rose while she gets killed. And it ends with Jack spearing Cal overboard and the 2 freeze to death and Rose navigates the ship to America. How fucking awesome would that movie have been?
So we have the dinner scene, Jack is overwhelmed by the posh life, and the vast amount of silverware. Cal gets another insult in, as does Mom. Jack gives his speech about how great life is to be a Jack of all trades so to speak. Cal wants to murder him. Cal SHOULD murder him. After dinner, Jack slips Rose a note to meet him by the clock. Time to see how much more fun the poor life is.
I enjoy the music quite a lot. Jack has his big dance scene, and the little girl, Cora, is jealous. I get exhausted by just watching the dancing. We go from the fun to the stuffy rich guys all reading and being chill. The tiptoe thing was solid. Uh oh, Old Man is stalking and finds Rose with Jack. He is looks pissed. Only a third the way through.
The next day, Cal gives Rose the business about not doing that lower-class bulllllshit ever again, and she better recognize, sucka. Ohhhh no, he is such a big bad meanie. He treats objects like women. Mom is now forbidding Rose from seeing Jack ever again. Mom is trying to talk some sense into Rose, to marry Cal so they have money again as they are really surviving on their name. Well Rose, do you suck it up with the rich asshole, or break your mom’s heart and choose the broke ass fool?
Jack goes to see Rose, but Old Man ain’t having it. He needs to be put back down in 3rd class. The captain is speeding this boat up. Seems smart to me. Wait a second, the biggest bullshit moment of the film. Rose decided to do the math and realized that there are lifeboats for only half the people. Why is it bullshit? Because women can’t do math, duh. Sorta like how black people can’t swim and white guys can’t dance. Jack pleads with Rose to see him again, and she is adamant about being with Cal.
Now Jack is brooding, so Rose finds him so they can chat. Oh, she changed her mind. Get the fuck out of here, a woman changed her mind! Jack did the smartest thing, he instantly shushed her. Annnnnd then the iconic scene. Hello, movie poster. Sorry, but this is cheesier than my Mac N Cheese, and I already said that shit was loaded with cheese. Now they gotta make out because that’s what you do on a boat. I need a boat and some hoes. Yes, that was my sly Step Brothers reference.
Rose wants Jack to do some artwork. As Matthew McConaughey would say: alright alright. I gotta pay attention here for a moment, be right back. Leo is no Bob Ross, but he did just fine. Kate Winslet was in peak performance here. Old Man is now stalking and chasing Jack and Rose. I wish he was played by Angus Scrimm. I think that this is like female porn for teens. They end up down in the boiler room, and no sightings of Freddy Krueger sadly. 1, 2 Old Man’s coming for you. 3, 4 better lock the car door. 5, 6 Jack should wrap his dick. 7, 8 or else he will impregnate. 9, 10 Let’s go back to the Titanic again. Oh, yeah, they are in the car and she’s about to leave the most famous handprint in film history. Good for Jack. Hey, we are at the halfway point. Bout fucking time.
Cal just looked in his safe, and he knows that he has been betrayed, and now he’s gonna whoop some ass. “When the ship docks, I’m getting off with you.” The 16-year-old in me giggled at that. The 35-year-old me just giggled. Ahhhh, maturity! Oh, and they are just seeing the iceberg. They need Goldberg. The movie actually picks up here, well from Rose’s tits onward, this movie isn’t awful. Boom, the ship is taking a pounding similar to Rose a few minutes ago. No other iceberg is gonna want the Titanic after that pounding.
Sooooo, water is flooding in and the doors are closing, one guy didn’t make it. We should pour out a 40 for our homie. Cal is complaining about being robbed, and only a few people know the true damage. How convenient, Jack and Rose happened to overhear this conversation. Old Man plants a stolen object on Jack. Jack is claiming that it wasn’t him, and of course, the jacket he is wearing is borrowed, and yeah. Rose has her doubts suddenly.
We know are getting an explanation of how the boat with fill up with water and sink. They got an hour to get the fuck outta there. 2,200 people on the boat. Cal just slapped Rose, and now he is being told to get dressed in life vests. These white life jackets are weird to look at, I much prefer the bright orange. Jack is handcuffed to a pipe and Old Man is going to stand watch. The closest vessel is 4 hours away. We have a case of uh oh. Time to get the women and children on the boats first. As the old joke goes, this is done so the men have peace and quiet to figure out a potential solution. The band is out and playing some music. They aren’t letting the lower class people out……those bastards!!! The boat is slowly tipping, got a lean to it.
Old Man just gave Jack the ole gut punch. Mom is worried about the boats being seated by class, and not being too overcrowded. It’s time for Rose to get in the boat, and she’s having her moment. She leaves and says that she would rather be Jack’s whore than Cal’s wife. Nothing wrong with being a whore. Rose is on a mission to find her new man. The tension builds as the water starts creeping into Jack’s room. Rose is wet, so are the hallways. She finds him, she apologizes. Here we go, having our Transformers moment, time to make small talk instead of focusing on the task at hand. She can’t find a key, so he sends her to get help, and he assures her that he will be “right here”. Inappropriate timing for comedy.
So now she is looking for help and is not getting anywhere with the 2 men that she has found. Hey, a fire axe!!!! That pumps me up. The water is up to her nips now, so things are going swell. I love how he makes her practice swinging the axe, it’s probably the funniest bit of the whole film. Jack has more good lines being handcuffed than he did throughout the movie. Oh, he just dipped his nuts in the cold water. Shrinky dink time. Just thinking about it made my penis crawl inside. Oh wait, I’m fat, that’s how it always is. Dick jokes!!!!
Old Man’s name is Lovejoy come to find out. I prefer Old Man. I do like Rose with a bit of attitude. These assholes loading the boats have been severely underfilling them. The gates are unlocked and the poor folks are revolting. Jack finds Tommy and Fab, so now it’s time to find another exit. They can’t get through the gates. So time to make a battering ram. That’s why Jack had friends early on! That is convenient! Cal and Old Man are working on trying to get a boat, and he’s trying to buy his way onto a boat, can’t say I blame him.
I love the band, they really are a great part of this film. Cal has a chance to get on a boat, but he’s gotta get his vengeance dammit!!! That’s why he is such a great character. I love the dude that jumped in and just stood still. I can’t blame him. What good is chivalry when you are dead? Let’s see: be a dead chivalrous man, or be a living asshole? Chivalry is dead!!! Cal insists that Rose gets on a boat, and tells her that he and Jack will get on a boat after. Cal just owned Jack’s bitch ass. She has beautiful eyes in this scene. Of course, she second-guesses herself, jumps back on the ship to be with her man. Dumbass. Loud audible sigh. Cal witnesses this and, man, he is livid. He grabs Old Man’s fun and he shoots and misses. Get ’em, Cal!!!! Shoot that wife stealing son of a bitch!!! They run away, and Cal realizes that they have just run to their death. Annnd Cal realizes that the necklace is in the coat that he gave Rose. Dumbass. Lots of dumbass moments.
I have to pause briefly, and I want all of you fans of this movie to stop and consider what is happening. Some times you get so caught up in the drama that you don’t take a step back at the absurdity. They are on a boat that is going to sink into freezing waters. A guy is chasing down his fiancee and some bum. The guy has a fucking GUN! Like….fuck man, really? Back to the film.
This has turned from a romantic movie to some horror film, which is kinda cool if you think about it, until you realize that the Titanic is real and when it goes from fictional to non-fictional, but fuck it. I love how conveniently the guy dropped the keys and then ran off. I mean, this is like the epitome of having the slasher villain stalking you, you find a car, and then the fucking thing won’t start. Were there any black folks on the Titanic? I don’t recall seeing any. Honest question. It’s about time, the guy who was paid off finally realized that the money ain’t gonna do him any good, and then he shot Tommy (I think) and then shot himself. Cal finds a crying child and grabs her, claiming that she is his so that he can get on. Cal is the best character in this movie, and it’s not even close. Rich dude in the top hat won’t wear a life vest, but dammit, he wants a brandy if he’s going down. I applaud that man. I kinda want a drink myself.
The band says their goodbyes realizing that it’s all over, and the one guy keeps playing, and the rest join in realizing just how fucked they are. They may as well go down doing something that they love. Very admirable. The old couple lying in bed together as the water rushed in, the mom with her 2 little children in bed, visually, it’s killer. It’s almost fully submerged now, well, not really, shit we got over 30 minutes to go. There’s Mr. top hat!!!! The captain is in his room, and the water finally breaks in, he’s a goner. The boats are fucked because they can’t cut them loose from the ship. People are making a jump for it.
It’s crazy to see the desperation in people, and obviously, this is pretty legit in how humans would be. Boom, one of the big pipes comes crashing down, see ya Fab. The ship is tipping really badly, one end is coming up. It’s time to pull a Tom Waites and Hold On. Yes, I would have absolutely played that song here. Stupid ass Rose: “Jack, this is where we first met.” For fuck’s sake lady, you are on the verge of freezing your taint off, and that’s the concern. The ship is more vertical than horizontal now. Once again, I have to say just how stunning the visuals are. The people on the ship look on as they watch the ship lose power. NOW it’s time for the boat to snap in half. This stuff never happens on Deadliest Catch. The boat didn’t fully break off so the submerged side is gonna drag it down to Hell. Jack is smart enough to understand all of this and gets a good angle. Good for him.
The bodies are falling, the ship is vertical. It’s like watching Plinko on Price is Right, and everybody is getting zeroes. Jack is insistent that they will make it because he knows all the science behind a ship sinking apparently. I reiterate, good for him. I wonder how many girls first touched themselves to this movie, or Leo in general, lest we forget that he also did that awful version of Romeo and Juliet. The best part of that movie was the soundtrack. Love me, love me, say that you’ll love me. Fool me, fool me, go on and fool me. Also, Garbage had a song called #1 Crush that was fantastic.
Anyway, some guy was trying to drown Rose in his panic. Jack knocks him out, finds a piece of wreckage and gets Rose on it. Jack can’t fit his fat ass on it, but hey, some chick that he barely knows and put out, well she’s safe. True love, right ladies? Molly is insistent on the ladies grabbing an oar and going back to get the people, but all of these bitches are cowards like Hollywood Hulkster, per Macho Man Randy Savage. Really, ladies, you are just cool with being safe and not even trying to help? Fucking A.
Jack looks cold. Still cracking jokes eh? Awww, Rose loves him. Jack doesn’t want to say goodbye yet, and James Cameron doesn’t want to say goodbye to cliches. This whole scene is fucking terrible. He makes her promise to survive and never give up. Is that you John Cena? She’ll never let him go. Awwwww. Well, the men got in one boat on a rescue mission, and there is a sea of dead bodies, quite literally. They are checking for survivors, but Destiny’s Child is not around.
Rose looks over, sees the boat, but she has such little energy. She tries waking up Jack, but she is unaware of his state. Then reality hits. Bitches in the theater are grabbing for napkins and tissues. It’s about to get fucking emotional up here, up in here. I am totally ruining the mood. Rose is trying to yell to the guys in the boat. She finally has to break Jack’s icy grasp, and then she fucking let’s go. Fucking women, always breaking promises. I won’t do this, I’ll love you forever. you’re the one for me. We will always be together. I will never lie to you. Sorry about that. I’m not jaded, I swear. Rose gets a whistle, gets the guys attention. That’s how she is saved.
So they get rescued by the Carpathia I believe, and Cal is looking for Rose, and Rose is there, she sees him. She doesn’t say anything, let’s him walk by. He killed himself over the stock market crash like any reasonable man would have done. She arrives in America and is asked her name, she says it’s “Rose Dawson”, she took Jack’s name. Awwwwww!
Back to the present day, old Rose wraps up her tale. At night, she approaches the railing of the ship, gotta be a sentimental old broad, right? She gets up on that railing to have that moment of happiness. She has the necklace. Of course, she tosses it back in the water. She is now at peace. She is now drifting on, and she is now back on Titanic, and everybody is waiting for her, and there’s Jack. And everybody is gathered, and they kiss and everybody claps. What is this, the Shining?
End film.
Holy fuck, that is the longest movie that I’ll be watching for this month. Oh man, here we go with fucking Celine Dion. Ugggh. I really don’t dig that song. OK, so let’s break it down to the TLDR’s of this world.
What we learned:
If you are a woman, if you find something better, pose nude for him, fuck him in a car, let him spare his life for yours, and keep the incredibly valuable necklace from the fiancee that you screwed over. If you’re a guy with money, never trust a bitch because she is running around behind your back. If you’re a broke-ass fool in 3rd class but are a free spirit, well you can get any bitch you want. She will be a succubus, but I bet that pussy was good, and he wasn’t going to have a great life. Really, he went out like a champ. He banged a chick far out of his range, drew her nude, saw those amazing tits, dodged a bullet or 2, literally, and damn near survived the fucking Titanic. Had he lived, she would have got bored with him once she realized that he wasn’t really that charming and had little ambition. He would have then lived a lonely, depressing life. I say that he won.
As for the movie, this may surprise you, but this isn’t a bad movie whatsoever. As a matter of fact, if you cut down on the bullshit love story, and just make it about a couple trying to survive the Titanic, you actually have a great-looking movie with lots of solid effects. The love story worked, obviously for women. For guys, it was dumb as fuck. I want to criticize this more, but I can only bitch about the shlocky love story so much. The acting was very good, as was the cast. The old lady was fun too. Billy Zane was as exceptional as Kate’s tits.
Rating: 6.3 is fair. 3 hours is a tad long, and since 90 minutes was spent with love, I can’t go 7.
All the pictures used in this blog are for review purposes. They are the property of:
- Twentieth Century Fox (present) (as Twentieth Century Fox)
- Paramount Pictures (present)
- Lightstorm Entertainment
Please go find a copy and support the creators.