I have had this on my list for a long time now. Time to see if it was worth the wait. Also, I feel Bill Goldberg should be involved in some way.
Alright, we start right off with sex and an exposed breast. SOLD. Maybe this had such a high rating for this opening alone. She is walking around in an unbuttoned shirt with no bra. May I ask, what the fuck is the point? Ladies, why would you do this? She thinks she hears something and shows more boob. Her man is getting a shower while she has some juice and listens to bad music. She looks in the mirror and then looks behind her. He gets out of the shower. He’s an ugly fuck, how did he get her? I always wonder how that happens. Oh yeah, he sees “You’re next” written in blood on the window and sees his dead piece of ass. And then a person comes up with a machete and he’s dead. But seriously, how do such mediocre-looking dudes get such mildly attractive women? And don’t you dare say confidence, because I am confident that I can’t get a hot chick. See, confidence! Back to the film.
So we go back to the film, and we have a middle-aged couple. No idea, maybe 50’s. We now have an ugly dude in his late 20’s-early 30’s with a stupid beard, with a hot chick that kinda reminds me of Rashida Jones from Parks and Rec. He’s portly too. What the fuck? I am calling bullshit!!! They are going to visit his parents, his dad used to work for the KGB. The old couple is Paul and Audrey, and Audrey heard something upstairs like footsteps. Paul will investigate and tells her to go outside, which is entirely reasonable. The last thing a dude needs is some chick giving away his location. Fact. But seriously, how do we have 2 ugly dudes with 2 girls that are at least 2 points hotter? I don’t like it. It instills false hope.I swear, I want to be done dwelling on this, but I may not. 9 minutes in and 2 full paragraphs. Yup, it’s gonna be a long one.
Haha, jump scare as Paul is looking around and his bearded son shows up. His name is Crispian and so that makes his woman Erin, and I was way off on the Rashida Jones comparison. My bad. I would go back and edit it to make myself look better, but no, that’s not who I am. Crispian asks him why his mom is in the driveway crying, so they go downstairs. And the door Paul was checking out, well it just opened up some. Ohhhhh. Erin is still way better looking than Crisp. Tomorrow is his parent’s 35 year anniversary, which is funny because Paul was approx 47 in real life while filming. This has a Strangers vibe to it. I don’t need jump scares, but good quality storytelling. Please. Crisp said something about how he hasn’t talked to his brother in so many years or some such nonsense.
Now we meet his brother Drake and his wife Kelly. I also like Drake because he taunts his brother and gives Erin the business for kissing Crisp. This guy is a dick, and I like dicks. Wait……there’s no going back from that one. Onwards and upwards.
Drake makes fun of Crisp for being chubby. They are watching MMA. Aubrey sends Erin to the neighbor’s house to get milk. I hate how IMDB listed the actors, tough to get names straight. Hello, Kelly in her bra and panties. And Felix just undoes her bra and we get some titties. Those are some nice tits on Kelly. Little, but nice. The neighbor is the couple from the opening, way to tie it all together. Seriously, I have had to redo the names 3 times already. Fuck you IMDB. We now meet Aimee, another sibling, along with Tariq, her man. Then here’s Felix and his girlfriend, Zee. She is a tad off-putting. I looked up Felix and found this. This is from IMDB: “He has also written several screenplays, both adapted and original, and all mainly rooted in the horror genre. A rabid, lifelong Stephen King fan, he owns a well-mannered Maine Coon cat named Church (after his favorite novel). Church is alive and well and lives in New Haven, albeit by a busy road.” Terrific. I love me some Pet Sematary!
Holy fuck, too many characters overload. 10 people are too many. So lots of death is the hope. My god, they have a big beautiful home. It looks very familiar. Wait a second, the guy who was the ugly fuck in the opening scene named Eric, he was played by Larry Fessenden, who I just wrote about in Jug Face. OK, now I feel that he absolutely deserved the hot chick because he is awesome. I’m so distracted, but we are in for a home invasion type film. I’m pretty stoked.
SPOILERS abound from this point until the point at the end where you see End Film, and even then, there will probably be spoilers. You shouldn’t read this if you don’t want spoilers is what I am getting at.
Drake is being a dick to Tariq, hahaha. Tariq is a director and Drake is saying that he thinks commercials is where it’s at. There is no doubt in my mind that Eric will be the stand out in this film, they focus way too much on her. I wish it was Drake. We find out that Erin used to Crispian’s student and is no his TA. Drake says that it was a tad unprofessional. And Crisp is being defensive. HAHA. The family is trying to settle them down. Tariq gets up and looks out the window, he sees something. HAHAHA, Tariq just got an arrow to his face. And Drake and Crisp are still arguing. I know this supposed to be scary, but I am giggling. Don’t judge me. Everybody runs around hiding and panicking. Paul gets up, twists his ankle. Oh my, the chaos is delightful.
NOOOO, Drake stands in front of his mom and takes one in the back. YOU MONSTERS! Damn you all to hell!!! Nobody has a signal to call 911. Felix says that they must be using a signal jammer and that you can get them for like $39. Drake calls Felix a low life, and I am cracking up. Shit, Erin is one smart bitch, props to her. They are using the chairs to shield themselves to walk past the window. Yup, she will be the survivor. Obvious things are obvious…..until I am wrong. Everybody makes it and Erin is the last one and the shooter misses her head by inches. I don’t know if I am happy or upset. I kinda like her, minus the accent. He and Drake have been the 2 likable characters so far, and the 2 girls who showed their tits, but uhmmm, that’s because their characters were so well constructed….right?
We are a third through, and this is decent. Kelly, you stupid fucking bitch, she wants to pull the bolt from Drake’s back. God, Kelly is a fucking idiot. She needs to show her tits, shut up, and die, useless whooooore. I mean, she’s really smart and talented. Thankfully Erin is there to keep Drake alive. I think Aimee will get it soon enough as 2 guys have been shot. Paul is trying to do work with Erin. Felix has a great idea. Whoever the fastest person is, should run out to the car and go get help. Felix, you’re about as much of a fucktard as Kelly. Crisp is saying something about Drake running, and Drake calls Crisp fat and Crisp gives a Cartmen like response of “I’m not fat”. Yeah, and I’m not, pasty white, bald, fat, lazy, obnoxious, and confident…….yeah, confident. Now I’m gonna do my confidence dance. This is why it takes me 3 hours to write a blog about a 90-minute movie.
Erin says that they just need to stay put, but Aimee starts blathering on about nobody believing in her, and she’s up. Come on bold prediction, pay off!!! She is gonna be the runner. Now they move a table and the vase falls. They show this and I am positive that this will play a role later on if my horror instinct is accurate. I am so happy that Aimee is going to be the runner. She is gonna run barefoot, and they are gonna open the door at the last second. Felix, this is a great idea, you fucking twit. Slow-motion run. BOOOOOOOM, bolt in her fucking throat. Nailed it!!!!! OK, pausing to think about who’s next. Must listen to Goldberg’s theme song. This is like watching The Royal Rumble. OK, so I figure Felix, Zee, Kelly, or Aubrey make the most likely candidates as we have no black people, unfortunately. Fucking racists!
I pick Aubrey, then Felix, then Zee….for the moment, in that order. We see that Aimee ran through a fishing line and that’s what sliced her throat. I can get behind that. So we got rid of one couple. I know where I recognize Erin, she was in a movie with Tywin Lannister called Patrick. What a stupid fucking name. I’ll review it at some point. I’m hungry. Erin goes upstairs, making sure all the windows and doors are locked. Man, I just want to call her Shane Jr in honor of Shane from the Walking Dead. A female in a horror film that I don’t loathe, interesting. Uh oh, Paul is taking Aubrey upstairs. I worry that Paul gets killed protecting Aubrey, I hope I am wrong. Sweet! Paul is leaving Aubrey alone in the bedroom. Thank you, Paul!
OK, Drake’s wound has gone numb. Ohhhhh shit, there is a person crawling out from under Aubrey’s bed. YES! YES! YES! This person has a wolf mask on and a machete. YES! She just got it! Everybody hears her scream. People run upstairs. Meanwhile, as Erin is locking windows, Tiger Mask, not the wrestler, reaches through to attack Erin, but she stabs his arm and goes to reach something else, but like Keyser Soze, he’s gone. Well, not you have a broken window in the kitchen, how do you stop them now? The family enters the bedroom, and it says “You’re Next”. I am digging this.
2 for 2 on picks. It’s either Paul, Felix, or Zee next. I think a dude for balance purposes. Kelly covers up Aubrey. Maybe she is next. I still am going, Felix. Kelly is doing some weird shit though. She is looking under the bed. The Wolf is there, and yet no Harvey Keitel. She flips out, runs downstairs, ducks the wire. Drake gives chase, and he ducks the wire, but the wire hits the bolt sticking out of his back. OWWWW, shit. I don’t think I am going 3 for 3. He rips out the bolt and he collapses. Kelly runs through the woods. Something, the archer sees her. They pull Drake back in. Crisp decides it’s time to go for the car. Seriously, cut the wire first, makes life easier. Erin gives Crisp a cleaver. Crisp goes out. Kelly is being hunted, and she ended up at Eric’s house. Haha, and he is dead sitting on the couch. And now we have Eric Rowan with a sheep/lamb mask and she turns around he punches her face and she flies through the sliding glass. I am good with her dying. Lamb throws her through a glass table. He buries an axe into the side of her head, all the way to the eye. That is deep. Hahaha, fuck you, Kelly, you stupid bitch! I love Mr. Lamb. Crisp is back inside. Wait, why? So we are down to only Erin and Zee for the girls, and then Crisp, Paul, Felix, and Drake (kinda, but he will probably do a last-ditch save for his brother and get killed for it is the easy guess. I think Paul may be next, but I don’t understand why Felix is still alive. Halfway point.
Crisp is going on another run, much to Erin’s pleas not to. She knows that he’s gonna get got. Maybe Drake saves Erin instead if they are dividing them up. Drake will make a save. Hey, Crisp cut the fucking wire!!! Good for him. Erin points out that at least one of the killers is inside, and that pisses off Paul. OK, maybe I have a chance still. Paul is my pick. OK, interesting development. They move Drake in front of a window, on the ground and pull the curtain to cover him. I am telling you, this is happening with the save. Erin is trying to figure out where a safe room would be. Felix suggests the basement due to lack of windows. Erin immediately rejects that idea as they can pour gas down there and light a match. I may have a crush on a horror character. Just saying. I am close to a full inch and a half erection now.
Erin grabs weapons from the kitchen, knives, and shit. On her way back to the group, the glass shatters, she falls and the weapons go flying. It’s Tiger, and he brought Kelly with him. and he swings at Erin while she is down, but she is taking the meat tenderizer to him, he is getting pounded by a female without a strap on. Yup, I am lewd. Shiiiit, meat tenderize to the back of the head 3 times, and he is down. Erin is one bad bitch. OK, she ended up with 14 hits, she had some aggression. Yup, I have a horror movie crush. Erin calls out Felix, “thank him for the help”, haha. Uh oh, Paul is alone. Can I give myself a point for a Paul death now, because technically Lamb mask was next? Damnit, 2 for 4.
I still am saying Paul is next. Erin won’t get another kill til towards the end. Paul finds the room where the killers were hiding, and then the power goes out. Erin asks Felix where the power box is, he says down in the basement. He wants her to go to the basement alone while he and Zee go check upstairs on his dad. What a scumbag. I hope Felix is next dammit! You don’t just split up, and you don’t just send a woman to the basement by herself, unless she is Michonne caliber, and even then, no, stay as a group. She’s better off without those useless fucks. When Paul gets it, I am calling Felix then Zee. Fucking Felix startles Paul. Paul explains that he found the room, and his throat is slit. OK, 3 for 5. Yikes. I am still going Felix then Zee. Felix does nothing, he just stands there as his dad is writhing in pain and knocking shit over, Felix stands and watches. Doesn’t go after the attacker, but stands there. He’s too calm, something isn’t right, and hasn’t been….and now it all makes sense. He is working with the assailants. I admit it, I should have seen that coming from the moment I saw Zee and said that she was a tad off-putting. Combine that with Felix being a dink, and it all makes sense.
Soooo, we have Felix, Zee, Lamb, and Wolf left on the bad guys, and then Erin, Crisp, and Drake. Erin will absolutely kill Zee, because of the girl getting the evil girl always seems to be a thing, like how often do you see the good guy beat the fuck out of the evil girl in a film? Felix will go after Crisp, and Drake will intervene. I think that is how Drake and possibly Felix dies, leaving us with a 2 on 2. Wolf and Lamb will die, but will Crisp? I say no, I think he lives now. About 35 minutes to go. Sooo, I have Drake dying next, followed by Felix, then Zee, then Wolf, then Lamb. You can hold me to it, until I change my mind.
I’m actually going to have popcorn, so I am gonna enjoy the film without typing for a bit.
OK, so I am back after 15 minutes. Drake did save Erin, and he did die. I think the rest of my picks as far as order goes are fucked though. It appears masks will outlast Felix and Zee, but nothing is guaranteed yet. Erin also has a huge thigh injury thanks to a shard of glass. OK, we just had a Home Alone/Nightmare on Elm Street moment. Hilarious. Felix orders Wolf to see what all the raucous is, and is having a moment, so Zee mounts him and takes her top off. She has no tits. B cup at best, but unlikely. Felix is pissing off Lamb, Felix is now upping the payout to $500,000 to Lamb for him and his dead bro, and $300,000 for Wolf. I was hoping when he got pissed, they’d off Felix, that was how my picks were playing out in my head. Fucking hell. Uh oh, Lamb I think is on the verge of being next. Yeah, he got stabbed in the face and collapses, potentially dead. I really want to see Erin’s ass. Ohhh, she just set up a definite replica trap from Nightmare. Wolf is in there with her now. As feared, Eric hasn’t done any nude scenes….sigh. She knocked all the lights out, is hiding and set up a camera to repeatedly flash, distracting Wolf, and she kills him. OK, I think Lamb and Wolf are dead. That leaves Felix, Zee, Erin, and Crispin. I mean, Drake technically could still be alive but doubtful. I want Crispin to turn heel. OK, Zee is now alone in the house with Erin. Zee is as good as dead I’d speculate. Felix with the save. It’s a handicap match. Felix stabs Erin in the back. Erin is just being all John Cena at the moment.
WHAAAAA, she plugs in the blend and puts it on Felix’s head. He dead. OK, down to Zee and Erin. Erin rips the knife out of her back and impales the top of Zee’s dome. OK, now is the perfect time for Crisp to turn heel and kill Erin for the inheritance. Please…..pretty please. YES!!! Crisp calls Felix’s phone, and he admits that he chickened out on helping. Awesome!! God, who do I cheer on? My crush, or the new heel? I hate females being the lone survivor, but I am sticking to my girl for once.
Hahaha, I love Crisp trying to talk her into going along with him. This is great work by him. I liked everything that he said, but inevitable things are inevitable. She stabs him. He’s dead. And then………..holy shit, the cop shoots her. She’s not dead quite yet. He calls for backup. Oh shit, he’s gonna get the Nightmare death. HAHAHA, BOOM.
End film.
Well, that was fucking awesome! Not sure though how to compare or rate this. This was suicide Kings meets The Strangers/Them. I can’t compare it to just the latter 2 as the motivation in those movies change the whole complexity of the film and make them both more terrifying. What this did have was a lot of good action, some decent suspense, some laughs, and a great lead character. I will go so far as to give this a 7.3. Yeah, I am VERY impressed. And looking back, all the clues were there, so that’s what I appreciate even more. I highly recommend this film.
The lead, played by Sharni Vinson, she was in Patrick, as I have mentioned, and also in a movie called Bait. Why is Bait important? It stars her and Xavier Samuel who was in The Loved Ones, one of my personal favorite horror films of the past 10 years. So I will check that out if I can find it.
All the pictures used in this blog are for review purposes. They are the property of:
- Snoot Entertainment
- HanWay Films (in association with)
Please go find a copy and support the creators.